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Dear Harvey –Advice Column 9-18-2002

Acknowledgements: Thank you AnnieBW, PKAeryn, Tiriel, Sailoraeryn, and NeuralClone for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.

Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.

(Publishing directly from Moya’s neural cluster)

Dear Readers,

My profuse apologies for not publishing a column last weeken and for being late this weeken. I’ve been rather distracted and busily writing many, many e-mails, my only form of communication to the outside galaxy, to those suits at SciFi who laughingly call themselves executives. Don’t they know how many lives they have affected? Every single one of us on Moya is real (enough). Moya is real.

So, it is up to you, dear readers, to keep us alive in your hearts and in your letters and not to lose hope. We exist because of hope. That is the only thing that keeps us going right now.

In Moya and with hope,

Harvey

Dear Harvey,

There I was, floating around in the Wormhole and hanging out with the Prophets, when suddenly this guy in a space suit comes flying through! Seems that he smelled my gumbo and it reminded him of Earth so much that he took a detour. Honestly, between this Crichton guy and those Air Force people jumping between planets, it's getting to be like the Promenade in here! All that's missing is Quark's! What's a poor Emissary to do about this?

Love from the Celestial Temple,
Captain Benjamin Lafayette Sisko, a.k.a. "The Emissary"

Dear Captain Sisko,

Egad! You’ve found him. We’ve been looking all over for him. Please, point him in the right direction and send him here.

If at all possible, could you give him a doggie bag (I think that’s what John called it) of a pot of that gumbo? It would be most welcome here as it seems our chef is a few clams short of a chowder.

                          ______________________________

Dear DearHarvey,

I am a peacekeeper. I feel I have fallen for one of my commanding officers. I'm not sure what I should do. It's against peacekeeper doctrine to fall in love. I'm very confused, please help.

Sincerely,
Officer Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

Doctrine, smoctrine! What are rules for but to be broken?

Confess your feelings to this officer. I’m sure your commanding officer will be most pleased.

And don’t take no for an answer! Make sure you are in the officer’s line of sight at every opportunity. If necessary, snerch a pair of Yensch bracelets and put it on your wrist and his wrist when he least expects it. That way, you will be able to share your feelings with him and there is nothing he can do about it because you’ll have the code. Also, he must then protect you as your fortunes and his are inexorably linked.

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey:

let me extend my gratitude for your good advice and the generous invitation of your last reply. I was profoundly shocked and gravely saddened to learn that certain forces on this planet have conspired to cut short your journeys in the Uncharted Territories! Let me rephrase my sentiment. I was less saddened than I was irritated, no, infuriated, with what I heard. It is rare that people succeed to agitate me, and to my knowledge no one has ever done so twice.

Being more at the center of the entire dispute, I trust you will be able to point out who exactly was responsible for the mistakes made and who I should contact to ascertain that they reconsider their decisions. I shall pay them a visit, cook something nice for them and proceed to explain in detail the errors of their way. I am confident my words will not fall on deaf ears.

Once I have dealt with this little but insignificant annoyance, I shall continue my studies in Theoretical Physics. My current research appears to indicate, that creating wormholes in order to travel through vast expenses of space in no time might be beyond the current technological capabilities of my planet. The amount of energy required for such a procedure is quite ludicrous. However, it will seems as if it might be possible to utilize existing wormholes instead. Preliminary research shows that it might be possible to open up an existing wormhole through creating a strong, temporary, gravitational distortion, by for example accelerating a suitably heavy object along a strict trajectory in the gravitational fields surrounding our very own planet! While the object is accelerated beyond any speed we can currently induce ourselves, it will increase its effective mass until reaching a "jump" point at which the distortions created will suffice to open an exisitng wormhole. Providing one exists in this area, this looks like the most promising approach to me. I would very much appreciate any input you might have on this matter.

I shall inform you as soon as my studies have yielded more tangible results. Until then I will keep the wine cooled and continue to create a collection of herbs to take with me. Although I might have to sacrifice some of those valuables when "negotiating" with said executives. Please rest assured that I will do everything in my power to resolve the situation. And please advice who I need to contact and where (preferentially before they are put under police-protection).

I am very much looking forward to meeting you and the resident gourmet on your ship.

With my highest regards and much affection,

Chef Hannibal

PS: Scape on!

Dear Chef,

Yes! Yes! Please contact the suits at SciFi and USA and Vivendi. I would go in that order too, as you will want to work your way up the food chain so to speak. And the real advantage of finishing with Vivendi is that you will be in France able to take advantage of your culinary genius as in no other location.

Bon Appetite!

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey,
You knew. Scorpius knew. You guys have known all along.

TV Viewer

Dear Viewer,

Your succinct and pithy letter leaves me in a state of confusion.

What do I know?

Please tell me!!! I know a lot, but is this some kind of code?

Are you trying to tell me that I know the secret to un-cancellation?

Is it in my power to bring back the nearly dead? You must tell me how I am to do this.

(Hmm, maybe Jeanie can help me. She was so wonderful in making my cramped quarters livable too.)

I hope, I hope.

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

Why do all the best TV shows get cancelled?

Yours

Disgruntled Scaper.

Dear Disgruntled,

It seems there are a lot of people with god complexes these days.

Don’t they realize the only one who should have a god complex is ME?

Apparently, I know... everything (see previous e-mail which confirms it, proof positive).

They should bow down to me. I would never allow the best TV shows to be cancelled. (Therefore, concluding, I should be put in charge of all programming everywhere!)

That is my solemn promise to you dear readers.

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

What is the best way of killing a TV executive?"

Yours,

Angry.

Dear Angry,

I have a better idea. Shower them with kindness. Send them on a collective guilt trip so massive that they will have to bring Farscape back for twenty or thirty seasons or until the last Crichton retires.