Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you NeuralClone, Ravenwing, and Lassievorc for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
(Publishing directly from Moya’s neural cluster)
Dear Readers,
Once again, my apologies for not getting this column done sooner. And it is, I’m afraid, a rather lean column at that. Only three people have asked me for advice!
In Moya and with hope,
Harvey
Dear Harvey,
In Valen's Name, greetings.
I wrote to you a few weeks ago about the husband predestined for me. You will be pleased to know that in part I have managed to carry out your advice. My betrothed did leap off a cliff. Unfortunately he somehow managed to survive! (His exact words: "I was dead, but I'm better now.") To use a word common in your part of the universe - frell!
What is worse, he returned with a new "friend" he claimed he met "at the bottom of a bottomless pit". This being is, if anything, more irritating than my betrothed. He claims he is the oldest being in the Universe - *the* First One. Truly, judging by his conversation, he has lived far too long. Meanwhile he has taken up residence and is busy consuming all the flarn.
I am completely at a loss as how to get rid of this univited guest. Do you have any suggestions?
Yours, between the Candle and the Star,
Delenn.
Dear Delenn,
Hmmph, some people have all the luck. When someone died in my universe, it cost someone else her life to bring this person back. In your universe, not only isn’t death permanent, but there is no quid pro quo for bringing the person back to life!
Furthermore, in my universe, the person who sacrificed her life was beloved by all who met her. In your universe, the person not only did not sacrifice anything, but instead, is a pain in the eema, if I have it correctly.
Well, the only thing to do is to hide all the flarn (whatever that is) and tell him in no uncertain terms that *you* are not at all enamored by his behavior, and that if he really wanted to be useful he should spend all his time with that husband of yours so that you can have some peace and quiet. Oh yes, tell him where to take your husband and give him a map that shows him in the most excruciating detail on how to get there.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
My image really sucks. I've spent over 50 years amusing the kiddies with my heroics, and I'm tired of it! What can I do to project a more mature image?
Regards,
Dudley DooRight.
Dear Dudley,
For starters, don’t amuse the kiddies. They will complain to their mother’s that you are no longer amusing them. This will be preparation for what you will next do. Also, make sure you have a fan club, as this will be the vehicle for what you will next do.
Your promoters will complain. You will offer to meet with each mother one-on-one. Make sure your promoters get the word out through whatever media is available to you, especially the fan club. I have just discovered the “internet”. It is one of the best, most efficient ways to get the word out. Make your fan club is internet based.
Once you have set up the one-on-one meetings with the mother’s, amuse them. Let them know that you are ready, more than ready, for a more mature venue.
______________________________
Dear Harvey:
I think it would be beneficial if someone, maybe Scorpius, could 'inject' you into the mind of a certain, influential Sci Fi executive? I'm not entirely sure which ONE, but it looks like your influence on Berry Dillie's mind could certainly NOT hurt our cause. You know what to do! Keep a low profile, do what you gotta do, and you get back out! Just a little amnesia, and Mr. Dillie could return to the anonymity he so richly deserves! With FARSCAPE back in production, perhaps we could get an extended subplot about Harvey getting his own body...! I can see it now: FARSCAPE; the Chronicles of John Crichton and his heroic neural clone, now recognized as Commander Harvey!
Lassievorc
Dearest Lassievorc,
This is possibly the best idea I have seen since this debacle started. I have already discussed it with Scorpius and he is in complete agreement.
The quest for Berry Dillie is our highest priority! Wormholes have been put on backburner for the nonce.
We have just one teensy ask of you, dear Lassievorc. Where may we locate Berry Dillie? He seems to have mastered the low profile himself.
Until we hear from you with Mr. Dillie’s whereabouts...
Scape On!
______________________________
Dear Readers,
I find myself in the rather awkward postion of not having a backlog of e-mail for future columns. It is my fondest hope that you have recovered sufficiently at this time to be able to resume seeking advice from the one who is best able to disseminate it, me.
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