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Joke Collection #13
Big Business..... from SPsyEds
A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise. "The hiss is the rubber
being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a
needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss,
hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states.
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
YOU GET WHAT YOU WISH FOR.....from PROMANCE
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it
vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job
that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
BOTTOM 20 WAYS TO ANNOY IN CLASS...... from Loren114
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you,
and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your
name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and
snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board.
Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and
scream "IMPOSTER!"
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet
#5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the
professor answers.
43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for
"stud".
44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while
playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces.
Repeat.
46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in
ghosts.
48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of
ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.
SHORT TAKES.... from KathavnFun
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional
extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor,
"Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
"Elation."
"And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddyup," Squiffy replied.
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