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Joke Collection #18
NEVER FORGET A FACE..... from srupp@ersmgmt.com
A man decided to have a face lift for his 47th birthday. He spends
$5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he
stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to
the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do
you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the
man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds
for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the
reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47!" This makes
him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old
woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my
eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of
telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with
your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her
slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says,
"OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant!
How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in
McDonalds."
COME SEE THE SOFTER SIDE..... from Fastrabbi1
A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool next to a smaller fellow. The
smaller guy looks at the first guy, grabs him by the arms and neck, and says
"That's a choke-hold from Judo." and lets go. The first guy , figuring that
the little guy is just a bit drunk, lets it slide.
Two minutes later, he finds himself in another hold, and the little fellow
says "That's a secret bracing hold in Karate." Now the guy is getting a
little steamed, but he lets it pass.
Five minutes later, the little fellow jumps on him again, and puts him in
another compromising position. He says "That's a Death Move in Tae Kwon Do."
Now the guy is angry and quickly leaves the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back into the bar, and the little fellow is still
at the bar, waiting for another drink. The guy walks up to him, and before
the little fellow can move, he lunges at him, his arm flying out from behind
his back. The little fellow falls off of his stool, and is out cold.
He turns to the bartender and says "That was a monkey wrench from Sears!"
THE YELLOW PAGES HAS IT ALL..... from HugMe40
A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the
phone book and finds a gorilla removal service. When he asks if he can
remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it a male or female?"
"Male," he replies.
"Oh yeah we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun,
& a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions.
"I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he
falls out of the tree. When he does the trained Chihuahua will bite the
gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect
himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him.
The man asks, " What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does,
shoot the Chihuahua."
JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN..... from Wodize
The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last
test has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the
bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up
with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly
face.
Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and
threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital
when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his
arms which drew the attention of the security guard. The security guard
ask: "What's going on?" To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit
out of a ghost.
NEVER MISS A GOOD SALE... from CateyesGrn
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice
neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the
lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another
couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the
house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man
asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man. "Oh, we're
having a yard sale today."
SECRET HIDING PLACE..... from Promance
An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It
was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived,
no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see
while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother
pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by
the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first
breath.
"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in
the first place!!"
WORDS OF WISDOM..... from GFord24021
A bartender is just like a pharmiscist except he has a limited inventory----
I would rather be a lover than a fighter--someone told me to get married
and you can have them both--
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