|
Overview
Collection #1
Collection #2
Collection #3
Collection #4
Collection #5
Collection #6
Collection #7
Collection #8
Collection #9
Collection #10
Collection #11
Collection #12
Collection #13
Collection #14
Collection #15
Collection #16
Collection #17
Collection #18
Collection #19
Collection #20
Collection #21
Collection #22
Collection #23
Collection #24
This site is created by Ivan Choe. |
|
||Back|| ||Next||
Joke Collection #16
THE FIRE DEPARTMENT....from ASUM1
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department
was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire
department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be
called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any
assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled
straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and
stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying
water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire,
breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire
department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that
right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.
A local news
reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do
with the
funds. "That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat.
"The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!
Creative Answering Machine Messages.... From JNapier
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can
talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on
and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We
aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine
simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have
to suffer through another long answering machine message when you
call me...
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale
in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a
message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't
return your call, it means the machine did not work.
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to
suggestions.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to
myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the
shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is
done... (Cachunk!)
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped
with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want
anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the
phone.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and
don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your
name and number and they will get back to you.
ANOTHER VISIT WITH LIL JOHNNY.... from Orbiter875
The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the
animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo
and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Litte Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was
noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could
damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are
so big she can only "fasten 8."
GENERATION X OFFICE LINGO.... from Kevin_D_Shaw@compuserve.com
Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a
deadline was missed or a project failed and who was
responsible.
Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when
their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode.
Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions,
and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.
Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and
so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going
on.
Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea
generators running .
Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch
potato.
CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to
describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while
he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you
realize you've just made a big mistake.
SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive
Mortgage.
Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out
and whiny .
Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a
vacation from their jobs-"We had three serious students
in the class; the rest were tourists."
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss.
Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell
comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old
man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
||Back|| ||Next||
|