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Joke Collection #19
Little Johnny from Kathavnfun
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand!!!!"
Teacher: "Hello, boys. Remember! Nothing is impossible."
Johnny: "OK sir. Will you please squeeze out all the toothpaste and put
back it into the tube again?"
Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer
interested?"
Johnny: "A teacher."
Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Johnny: "My mother and father got married on the same day at the same time."
Teacher: "Who is the fastest human being in the world?"
Johnny: "My mother... she can catch me doing anything."
WATCH CLOSELY..... from Wodize
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"*&^%!!!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."
MODERN MEDICINE..... from Wodize
At a doctors convention in Switzerland,
a conversation was taking place in a
tavern after an enthusiastic mid-day lecture.
A Jewish doctor said, Medicine in my country
is so advanced, we can take a Kidney out
of one person, put it in another, and have
him looking for work in six weeks.
A German doctor said, Thats nothing, in
Germany, we could take a lung out of one person,
put it in another, and have him looking for
work in 4 weeks.
A Russian doctor said, In my country, Medicine
is so advanced that we could take half a
heart form one person, put it in another, and
have both looking for work in 2 weeks.
The American doctor, not to be out done, said
"Ha" We can take an Butthole out of
Arkansas, put him in the White house and
Half the country will be looking for work the next day!!!!
MORE THAN ONE USE...... from Lablady1
A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house
juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks
on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man, "Mornin'
stranger, what can I do for ya?".
"Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're
paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers
like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're
soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly.
Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?"
"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away
young man", says the homeowner.
Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks,
"Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?".
"Yessir, for as long as I can remember".
"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the
survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready
to record the answer.
"Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."
The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around,
leans forward and in a low voice says "We pride ourselves in
being very thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry
skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you
use it for sex?".
"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper, "we put it on
our bedroom doorknob". The survey-taker gets a strange look
on his face and takes a step backwards before the homeowner
continues, "It keeps the kids out".
WE'LL KEEP THE LIGHT ON FOR YA.....from Lablady1
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't
care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager,
"and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he
snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the
past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next 1orning John,came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
'Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, "Goodnight, beautiful,'
and he sat up all night watching me."
POINTS TO PONDER....from Cateyesgrn
I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
I went to school to become a wit, only got half-way through.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
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