|
Overview
Collection #1
Collection #2
Collection #3
Collection #4
Collection #5
Collection #6
Collection #7
Collection #8
Collection #9
Collection #10
Collection #11
Collection #12
Collection #13
Collection #14
Collection #15
Collection #16
Collection #17
Collection #18
Collection #19
Collection #20
Collection #21
Collection #22
Collection #23
Collection #24
This site is created by Ivan Choe. |
|
||Back|| ||Next||
Joke Collection #6
NEVER...
hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and
heavier. --Anonymous
accept a drink from a urologist. --Erma Bombeck
say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to
hear at your trial. --Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"
say "Oops" in the operating room. --Dr. Leo Troy
comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or
"size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
--Tim Allen
wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for
the job of umpire. --Dan Zevin
thrust your sickle into another's corn. --Publius Syrus
drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local
sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. --Anonymous member
of a chain gang
invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys
them very much. --G.K. Chesterton
use while sleeping. --Instruction on Conair hair dryer
play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end
to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's
always gonna be me!" --Rita Rudner
murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. --Woodrow Wilson
hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the
room. --Winston Churchill
stand between a dog and the hydrant. --John Peers
take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. --Geraldo
Rivera
give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts. (Sounds
like that group in the White House).
--Ruth Gordon
pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. --American
adage about antagonizing newspaper editors. You got a problem with
that?
ruin an apology with an excuse. --Kimberly Johnson
criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way,
if he doesn't like what you have to say, it'll be OK because you'll be a
mile away and you'll have his shoes.
be led astray onto the path of virtue.
be first. Never be last. Never volunteer for anything.
--Lackland's Laws
attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
stupidity. --Hanlon's Razor
do today what you can do tomorrow. Something may occur to make
you regret your premature action. --Aaron Burr
tell people 'how' to do things. Tell them 'what' to do and they
will surprise you with their ingenuity. --General George S. Patton
advise anyone to go to war or to marry. --Proverb
use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or
get a splinter in it. --Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb
eat more than you can lift. --Miss Piggy
offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
--Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. --Hartley's Second Law
make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make
it complex and wonderful.
trust a computer bigger than you can lift. --Micro Credo
let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
--Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
try to out-stubborn a cat. --Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
meddle in the affairs of Wizards: it makes them soggy and hard to
light.
argue with a fool. He may be doing the same thing.
lick a gift horse in the mouth.
underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes
hurtling down the highway. -- Andrew Tannenbaum
try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked
"petite" and hold on to the receipt.
blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do
nothing, they don't hurt anybody. When they do something is when they
become dangerous.
Source: The Mailing List of Tom Johnson *see link page*
SHIT LIST!!!!!!
THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where u feel shit come out , see shit on the toilet paper, but
theres no shit in the bowl
THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where u feel the shit come out, see shit in the bowl but theres
no shit on the toilet paper
THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped.so you end uo
putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so that you
dont ruin them with those dreadful skid marks
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,
and then you realize that you have to shit somemore
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as 'Pop a vein in your forehead shit'.You have to strain so
much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
without breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush
THE NORORIUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.The
most noticable trait is the trade mark
left at the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE 'GEE,I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT' SHIT
The kind where you want to shit but even after straining your guts out,
all you can do is sit on the toilet,cramped and farting
THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the 'Power Dump'.Thats the kind that comes out of your ass
so fast that your butt cheeks gets splashed with all the toilet water.
THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and at the same time,
chronically burns your tender poop-chute
THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
show it to someone before flushing
THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the
aid of a newspaper
THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odour so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity
within the next 7 hours is affected
THE GROANER
A shit so huge that it cannot exit without vocal assistance.....
THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatibility , this shit has been known to
resurface after many flushings
THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go.It is usually necessary to engage in
rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push
it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting
it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you dont. This shit is playing games with
you.Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
inappropriate to shit(ie. during love making or a root canal or you are
no where near shitting facilities.
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a 'Still going' shit
THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you
are done
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big that it plugs up the toilet and it overflows
all over the floor(you should have followed the advise from the Lincoln
Log Shit.
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you swear its got to be
coming out sideways.
THE 'I THINK IM GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE' SHIT
Similiar to the Lincoln Log and the Spinal Tap shits.The shape and size
of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can.vacuous air space remains in
the rectumm for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like a toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You
have 2 choices:(a)flush and keep going or (b) risk it piling up to your
butt while you sit there helpless.
THE 'I THINK IM TURNING INTO A BUNNY' SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and
make tiny splashing sound when they hit the water.
THE 'WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?' SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. of course you dont warn
anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently
near the dooe and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for
air.
THE 'I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE' SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to
drop off because if you wipe now,its going to smear all over the place.
||Back|| ||Next||
|