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Joke Collection #17
I GET A CHOICE??? from Swtangeliz
A woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession finally takes
matter into her own hands. One night as he is sitting at the computer,
she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full
length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. She
pulls open the jacket and yells, "Time for Super Sex"!!!!!. He ignores
her.
So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex" "Super Sex" "Super Sex". Finally,
he replies, "Ok, I'll take the soup."
ONLY WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT..... from Swtangeliz
A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that the
farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that
it's 90 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the farmer and
asks why he's so happy.The farmer says, "I like it here. The temperature is
just like plowing my fields in June."The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's
answer and decides to get him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature
to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes
looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can
be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy.The farmer
says, "This is even better. It's like pulling weeds in the fields during
July."The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer. He
goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the
humidity to 100%."Now lets see what the farmer is up to," he says. So he
goes looking for the farmer. He finds him sitting on the floor even happier
then before. The Devil can't figure it out. He asks the farmer why he's
happy now.The farmer replies, "This is great, it's just like working in the
silo with my friends in August."The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this
farmer." He goes over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25
degrees. "Let's see what the farmer has to say about this."The Devil looks
around and finds the farmer jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "THE
BUCS HAVE FINALLY WON THE SUPER BOWL!"
THREE WORST CHINESE TORTURE TESTS..... from CMurphy662
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been
nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and
he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines
covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area.
However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the
ground. The old man squints his eye and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a
decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could
have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot
mess around with my grandaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause
you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you
the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to
himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how
beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had
only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without
companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her
grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other
throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time,
but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room
later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth
it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He
opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a
sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked
over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the
backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test:
Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out
the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd
worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".
On Lawyers and Politics.... from Swtangeliz
My Attorney is brilliant. He didn't bother graduating from law
school. He settled out of class !!!
Only a lawyer could write documents with more than ten thousand
words and call them briefs !!!
"Do you believe in capital punishment ???"
"Only if it's not to severe !!!"
A Lawyer comes in handy when a felon needs a friend.
A man walks past a grave and reads the writing on the tombstone.
It says, "Here lies an attorney and an honest man."
The man muses, "How did they get two of them in one Grave ???"
One lawyer's client believed in reincarnation. In his will he left
everything to himself !!!
The most important thing in a campaigning is sincerity,
whether you mean it or not !
"Sir, if elected, what will you do about the prostitution bill ?"
"I'll pay it !!!"
A political machine is a device invented by men who
don't like to work !
You don't have to fool all of the people all of the time.
During an election is just about often enough.
It was shortly before the election. Reporters seemed
to be having trouble getting one candidate to give straight
answerers to questions. Finally they corned him and
demanded a straight response to any question, not
necessarily even a political question. One reporter asked,
"What is your favorite color ? You can give us a straight
answer to that, can't you ?"
The candidate said, "Certainly. My favorite color is plaid !"
Our candidate for Congress always puts his best
foot forward -- as soon as he can get it out of his
mouth !
Nowadays a politician is a guy who divides his time
between running for office and running for cover.
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