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Joke Collection #4
Four international executives are playing golf. On the third hole
a ringing sound is heard. The British golfer fumbles in his bag, picks
out his cellular phone, turns away from his partners and has a brief
converstation.
"Terribly sorry chaps, but one has to keep one's finger on the pulse
and all that." His companions murmur acknowldgment.
On the fourth hole there is another ring. The American says "excuse
me", places his thumb to his ear and holds his pinkie near his mouth,
and has an intense converstaion. He turns back to the bewildered group.
"Oh, this is the latest thing on the Coast," he says "I've got a
microphone grafted into my pinkie and a receiver in my thumb. It's
really convenient."
They play on for a few more holes, at which point there is a loud
ring. The German, who had been leaning over his putt, snaps to
attention. "Ja, verstehen, verstehen, ja, ja. Auf Wiedersehen." He
snaps back to normal.
"This is really the state of art," he tells his playing partners.
"I have the microphone grafted into my lower lip, and the receiver
grafted into my earlobe. All I have to do to answer the telphone is
to straighten my neck." Everyone is impressed.
Finally, on the 18th hole, muted chimes are heard. The Japanese
businessman drops his clubs, blurts "so sorry" and runs into the bushes.
Everyone waits.
After 15 minutes the American goes to check on his colleague. He
finds Mr Tanaka squatting, trousers around his ankles, eyes closed andgrimacing.
"You okay, Tanaka-san?" he asks.
"Everything is fine," Mr Tanaka replies. "Just awaiting fax from home office."
WE'LL KEEP THE LIGHT ON FOR YA.....from Lablady1
A TOURING golf professional was having a drink at the club's bar when he
was approached by a chap with a white cane and dark glasses who introduced
himself as a golf champion.
"I am champion of the Blind Golfers' Association and as one champion to
another, I would like to challenge you to a match which could be a
fund raiser for the blind." He said he didn't want any favors and told the
pro he was keen to play for $50 a hole.
The embarrassed pro tried to avoid the challenge, but the blind man was so
insistent he finally agreed. "Okay, when will we play?" he asked.
The blind man answered, "Any night. Any night at all."
This middle aged couple had played golf together for most of their married
life. One night over the evening meal she mused: "If I die before you, will
you get married again?"
Although he was absorbed in the evening newspaper he muttered, 'I guess
so."
"Would you play golf with her?"
'I guess so," he mumbled.
"Would you take her to our club?"
"I guess so," he said.
"Surely you wouldn't let her use my clubs?"
"No, of course not. Anyway, she's left handed!"
ONE golfer was taking so much care before driving from the fifth tee that
his partner asked: "Why the concentration?"
"I'm very anxious to make this shot a good one," said his partner. "My
mother in law is down there in the clubhouse watching me."
"Impossible," said his mate. "You could never hit her from this distance!"
TWO businessmen took time from the office to play a round of golf during
their lunch break but were hampered by two women playing ahead and slowing
their game.
Finally one said, "Listen Jack, I'll go and ask if they mind if we play
through."
He had only gone a hundred meters before he turned and hurried back. He was
visibly shaken. "Jack, you won't believe this," he said, "but those two
women... one is my wife and the other is my mistress."
Jack was a cool hand. "Listen Reg," he said. "Keep your head down while I
approach them and we'll sneak past."
Jack had only gone a hundred meters when he turned back. "Listen Reg, you
won't believe this ..." he began.
HIS drive from the third tee sliced to the left of the fairway and the ball
ended in an impossible lie in front of the green keeper's tractor shed.
His wife summed up the situation. "No need to take a penalty shot darling,"
she said. "Just open the doors of the garage, push the tractor out, open
the rear doors, and with a number three wood you could hit straight through
the shed."
"Brilliant, darling," he said. He took a mighty whack but the ball hit the
rear of the building, cannoned back and struck his wife, stone dead.
The following day he was playing the same hole and by sheer coincidence
landed at the same place in front of the shed.
"No need to take a penalty shot," said the caddie, "we can push the tractor
out and open both sets of doors. You can hit straight through the shed."
"No way," he said. "I tried that yesterday and ended up with a double
bogey."
THERE were no caddies left when Fonsenby arrived at the clubhouse, but the
manager said old George, sitting in the corner could do the job. "He has
amazing vision. Has eyes like an eagle, "said the manager.
Fonsenby had his misgivings but he gave the old bloke the benefit of the
doubt and hit his first drive a magnificent 500 meters down the fairway.
"Did you see where that went?" he asked. "Of course I did," said the old
bloke. "Good," said Fonsenby, "Where is it?" "I can't remember," said
George.
WHEN the club secretary explained to Fred that he couldn't play because the
course was fully booked out, Fred was more than upset. He had been a member
for 20 years too.
"Look," said Fred, "If the President of the United States lobbed here for a
game today I bet you would make room for him."
The secretary admitted that he would have to.
"Well I just happen to know that he's in Washington today, so I'll take his
place!"
KEVIN had made his money as a car salesman and had done so well he thought
it was time to move up in society and join the golf club.
On his first day he slashed and bashed his way around the course cutting
divots from fairway and the greens alike. He left a trail of disaster.
He was in the club dining room half way through dinner when he was tapped
on the shoulder.
"Excuse me," said the stern official, I am chairman of the green committee
"Just the bloke I want to see," said the new member. "These Brussels
sprouts are hardly fresh."
Above From Renato Ditomo.
Source: The Mailing List of Tom Johnson
Four golfers...from Ladyblue29
Four golfers met at a golf course and were discussing how they got their
wives to let them play golf.
The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red roses and fixed
a gourmet dinner for two.
The second golfer related that he would do all of the vacuuming, dusting
and laundry.
The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that his wife would
let him play.
The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the alarm for 5:30 AM
and then he would wake up and roll over and ask his wife "Intercourse or
Golf course?" and his wife replied "Don't forget your sweater".
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