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Joke Collection #9
FREE SEX... from Racysmom
Two rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up their truck.
They notice a sign saying "Enter here for a chance at free sex!" They wander
inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant says that they
have to guess a number between one and ten. The first guy guesses five. The
attendant says, "Sorry, but the number is eight."
The second guy guesses seven and the attendant says, "Sorry, but the
number was three."
As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and
says, "You know, I think that contest was rigged."
The second guy, the smarter of the two, replies, "Naw, it's on the up
and up. My wife won twice last week."
NEW WEIGHT LOSS PLAN ON THE MARKET..... from KathavnFun
Mr Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him in a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least
5 pounds."
When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
Mr Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead
that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
The Hyper-Active Aphrodisiac.... from LadyBlue29
An elderly woman walked into a doctor's office and told the doctor that
she and her husband had not been intimate in years. She said that her
husband seemed to have a lack of desire. After listening to the woman
for a while, the doctor said, "I have just the thing. Have your husband
take two of these pills right before dinner...."
The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor's office and
exclaimed, "You have to change my husband's prescription!! It is much
too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me,
and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in his
eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table; breaking all of the
dishes!! Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right there!!
"I feel awful," said the doctor. "Let me at least pay for all of the
broken dishes."
"Don't worry about it," replied the woman, "we just won't eat at that
restaurant any more!!"
MACHINES THAT CAN DO ANYTHING...from Dave
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting,
he called down to the desk clerk and asked
if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically,
"but down the hall is a special machine
that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate
machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening,
at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head
and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best
haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read,
"Manicures - 25 cents."
"Why not," thought the salesman.
He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot,
and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read,
"This Machine Provides What Men
Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents,"
The salesman was embarassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody
around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants
and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great
anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.
When the machine started buzzing,
the guy let out a shriek of agony.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands,
the salesman was able to withdraw his "thingy"
Which now had a button sewed on the tip.
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