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Joke Collection #14
Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. Anyway there was this young
Nurse. Every time she came in, she talked to him like a little child. She
would say in a patronizing tone of voice "And how are we doing this
morning??!!!"
Well, this is a story of revenge. He had received breakfast, and pulled the
juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a Urine
Bottle
to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.
The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "It
seems
we are a little cloudy today..." At this, he snatches the bottle out of her
hand, pops off the top, and chugs it, saying
"Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this
time."
MORE TELEFUNNY ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES....from JNapier
You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next
to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes
on the answering machine... You hear a beep...
I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and
number, I'll call you back when I am...
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name
and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is
an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion,
or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a
message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't
at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
You have reached 555-6238. Why?
You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the
nineties. You know what to do.
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Jerk. Right now, all our Jerks are
busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an
Jerk return your call as soon as possible.
Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone
right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the
tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to
you!
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now,
so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk
briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you
hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get
back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down
to test: 5...4...3...2...1...
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to
the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this
message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER,
except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I
mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING.... from Kathavnfun
This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had an
affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "what do you mean almost?"
The man says "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I
stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. Your
not to go near that woman again. Now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in
the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks
over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The
priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says "I saw
that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was
the same as putting it in!"
A PERFECT GENTLEMAN??? from Hugme40
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome
young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got
a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can
stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every
day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep
you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the
sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every
night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made
passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking
me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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