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Joke Collection #5
The below from Phil Webster:
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an
engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer
reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level
of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building
improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a
fairly popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies,
"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake --he should never have gotten down there;
send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an
engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a
lawyer?"
The below is from STEVE MORGAN
THE customer in the nursery was spending such a long time looking at two
wheelbarrows an attendant eventually asked if he wanted assistance.
"Yes," he replied. "I can't decide between the red one or the green
wheelbarrow. It is a present for my wife's birthday."
"Will it be a surprise?" asked the attendant.
"I predict it will. She is expecting a diamond ring"
HARRY Henpecked had been ordered by his wife to buy only organic vegetables
from the market garden.
"These vegetables are for my wife," he said. "Have they been sprayed with
any poisonous chemicals?"
"No," said the gardener, "you will have to do that yourself."
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a
valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily,
it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool
who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was
H20 Was H2SO4.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the 'Y' becomes silent.
The minute you say, "I do, " she'll start saying, "I don't."
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
Source: The Mailing List of Tom Johnson *see link page*
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