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Joke Collection #7
MODERN PHILOSOPHIES OF THE CYNIC
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level
of incompetence.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
(The corollary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
(Project Management at its best).
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great
(yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so good,
he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE
MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS!?" And this poor quaking little monkey
replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while
later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST
AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS!?" The deer is shaking so hard it
can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the
mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up
to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top
of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE!?!"
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him
down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The
tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just
because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."
Connections
The highway patrolman was checking the license of the driver he'd
stopped.
"You're supposed to be wearing glasses," he said
"But Officer, I have contacts," said the driver.
"I don't care who you know, you're violating the law," the patrolman
replied.
GOOD HUMOR - BAD ADS
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of
women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never
go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Sock up and save--limit one per customer.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Source: Mailing List of Tom Johnson
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