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Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Dear Harvey –Advice Column 10-3-2002

Acknowledgements: Thank you Basil, SciFiChick, Reefrunner, Lassievorc, and biganoyinpainnthebum for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.

Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.


(I’m still here and still publishing directly from Moya’s neural cluster)


Dear Harvey,

I have a problem. Since the 1960s I've been living with a teenage boy. By day we would live in my big mansion and by night we dress in skin-tight lycra and leather and cruise the town. Lately my friend’s school has complained about apparent abuse after finding rope burns and whip marks from a rough night out. They are threatening to take him away. What shall I do?

Bat from Gotham


Dear Bat,

Go into hiding immediately and take your forever-young friend with you! You must not let anyone else get their hands on him. They are only using this so called abuse tactic to sleaze you out of the discovery of the ages: The proverbial FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH! And not only does he get to keep his youth; but he knows what to do with it.

So you must, post haste, leave that mansion and leave Gotham far behind. You will only be able to emerge at such time as you have patented your YOUTH SERUM. I only hope that you get this message in time.

Then, not only will you make a fortune that no soul in the universe has experienced, but also you will have those little people who are threatening to take him away groveling at your feet.

Maybe the secret is the rope burns as experienced through skin tight lycra and leather.

                          ______________________________

Dear Readers,

My next e-mail has been forwarded to you with this message:

Harvey -

I recently got this message from a certain tall, dark, handsome, sexy as hell, and enigmatic man, who's very much ALIVE!

Just passing it on to you, to do with what you will... hehehe

~ sfc ;-)


Dear Harvey,

My young friend and I saved the universe from Peacekeeper domination by destroying the Peacekeeper wormhole project. Now, our allies think we're both dead. They "buried" what they believed to be my friend's remains (they were obviously mistaken), but they never gave me a proper memorial service or even said "thank you". In fact, they never even mention me at all... Granted, our alliance has been an uneasy one, and my young friend and I had our own reasons for remaining incognito after completing our task, but now I see one of our allies needs our help yet again. Should we return and save him, or let him fend for himself?

Btw, I know you were once presumed to be "dead", but my sources have assured me that you are indeed alive.  So from one "dead adversary" to another - what do you advise?

~ Former PK Captain



Dear former PK Captain,

I’m not dead. In fact, I am quite happy. So it would seem are you.

You have to understand, these people here rank pretty low on the sensitivity scale, if you ask me. At least they gave you a burial, and at great risk to themselves, I might add. They never even BLINKED for me! *sniff* And after all the good advice I’ve given, and after saving you-know-whose eema I don’t know how many times.

But, it seems you have your fans, as do I, and so I would say, take heart and let them know that you are no longer “critically dead” as Chevy Crais* has believed and thus led us to believe.

Welcome back, and I look forward to the time when we can work together for the common good.

However, be warned, another former adversary of yours is also aboard Moya and was also erroneously presumed dead. So if you do make yourself known, I would work the angle of one formerly dead person to another with Scorpius. That should win him over, and he is now on our side, I think. Regardless, he is working quite hard to protect Crichton, and he may need your help at this moment as it seems the fates and forces of the universe are not cooperating.


*Chevy Crais has his own column on Unohoo’s Shorts which also has reprints of this column.

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey:

I am having a difficult time fitting in with my shipmates. I have spent monens trying to cultivate friendships, trying to share the benefits of my many years of experience, but my shipmates persist in seeing me as a crazy old woman who is fit only for cooking meals. What can I do to get them to view me in a more positive light?

Signed,
Noranti


Dear Noranti,

I can see two possible avenues where you may attain your goals.

1. Put a little additive in the meals so that they see you for the incredible person you are; or

B. Take a bath, wash your hair, and ... nope, that won’t work...

Go back to choice 1.

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey,
You have spoken to me before, although you may not remember. John Crichton introduced us, although I didn't get your name at the time. I have a long history with Scorpius, although we parted under difficult circumstances. I have learned about this new groupie, Sikozu, who is pursuing Scorpius. Does this signal the END for Scorpius and me? I would really like to work things out with him! Do you think it's possible? Would you put in a good word for me?  As I once told him, "we were made for each other!"

Respectul and Lonely,
Natira


Dear Natira,

Natira! How could... I forget you? You always did go for the baby blues, if I remember correctly. Are you really concerned for Scorpius or are you just after his eyes, which are blue and better than 20-20?

And as for Sikozu, how can you assume she is a groupie? She is one hot... well, nevermind.

You may be lonely, but since when were you ever respectful? And didn’t you try to kill him?

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

A friend of mine recently brought this TV show called Farscape to my attention. Normally I’m not into scifi, I usually watch Lifetime. But my friend said that there was something I absolutely HAD to see. And he was right, it was quite shocking. I am, of course, talking about that consummate toady: Braca. For three plus episodes, he did nothing but lick Commandant Grayza’s boots. Following her around, waiting and hoping for a chance at some… sort of sexually gratifying situation. He would do ANYthing to please Grayza.

But that’s not what I am here to write about. I’m complaining about John’s nickname for Braca. Smithers? I’m really offended that Crichton would use such a pop reference. What relevance does the town of Springfield have to the Uncharted Territories?

Respectfully yours,
Weyland Smithers


Dear Weyland,

I’ve gone through my memory banks of the miscellaneous stuff that I found while rummaging around in Crichton’s brain (actually much more entertaining than that boring old wormhole stuff both he and Scorpius are obsessing over) and I must conclude that you are absolutely correct in your assessment.

For one, Grayza and Montgomery Burns are not at all alike. And there is nothing sexual between you and Mr. Burns, you are more like his gal Friday, a trusted associate, not a consummate toady whom licks Mr. Burns’s boots.

But, I wouldn’t take what Crichton says personally; he just likes to hear the sound of his own voice, and can’t stand silences. He will therefore fill a blessed silence with the most trivial drivel that flops out of his mouth at the moment.
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