Yackitysmackity

Remind me to put up a different pic for this page...

The Tangent At Hand
.......... This is the part where I pretend that you are in the room with me and I'm just talking out loud. Free flow thought. Rambling. Ranting. Tangenting on my own tangents. Y'know, stuff. I may update this page as seldom as several days at a time, or twenty times a night depending on how wired or bored I am at work. You get the really good quality tangents when I'm hyped up on supercaff. In fact, I think I'll go get some right now. That'll force the creative juices for sure!
.......... Beware! The author of this page does not condone the use of subversive thought, antidisestablishmentarian ideals, Marxist economics, or anything Ford makes. Read the following drivel at your own risk of understanding me.

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15:15EST-SAT-9/30/2K

I've given up on Linux. Even though I've been using Windows 2000 and then Millennium for the better part of a year, I find that it's not worth learning a stripped down version of UNIX just to replace a flawed and yet well marketed operating system. Does this mean that I'm going to keep using Windows products? Yes and no. First thing I'm going to do is install FreeBSD and learn UNIX. Naturally, I'll keep a small partition on my hard drive that I can use to play Unreal Tournament and Starcraft. Other than that, my daily tasks will be done in UNIX until I can learn to port Unreal Tournament and/or Starcraft. Granted, that's an almost impossible task but I'm good at cheating so I'll cheat and find a way somehow.

14:42EST-SAT-9/30/2K

It's Saturday. The weather outside is beautiful. The temperature is just right. My spelling sucks and I'm getting ready for work. What's up with that? Why is it that I get promoted and as a reward, they schedule me to work on the weekends? For centuries we have been training animals to do our bidding through the use of the positive reaffirmation and punishment method. If your dog fetches the stick, newspaper, slippers, beer, or car keys you say 'good dog' and give it a treat. If it eats the stick and newspaper, craps on your slippers, drinks all your beer, and buries your car keys we beat its ass. It's that whole thing about association to cause and effect. I kick ass at my job and as a reward, they make me work on weekends. I don't get it.

19:58EST-THU-9/28/2K

No sooner did I show up for work today than someone came up to me and asked if I wanted to go drinking tonight. In fact, over the course of the next twenty minutes, three people came up to me and asked if I could go drinking with them. One wanted me to skip out of work to go drinking. I've been soooo tempted. I had a few beers with my room mate last night and watched Platoon and Sleepy Hollow. He was good and wasted but I went through several without feeling affected. This calls for a trip to the liquor store. It's time I started to investigate some of the drinks I'd been curious about. I'd have to get a bartending book or something. No, wait, I just need to go here and find one online. Cool. I love the web.

22:15EST-WED-9/27/2K

I realized that things were wrong when I saw the Morgan County Corrections Facility down the road. I pulled on the emergency break, threw the car into reverse, turned the wheel and executed a perfect 180 degree turn in the road. In retrospect, that probably wasn't the wisest place to pull that stunt. I drove on until I got to the nearest sign of civilization to try to figure out where I'd gone wrong during my attempt to go hiking. I finally found someone at small engine repair shop that told me I was on the right track, I just turned around too soon. Fair enough. I finally got there and began my journey. It would have been more fun with other people going with me but what can you expect on a Wednesday? For that matter, it probably would have been more fun if I had remembered to take the bag of chips I forgot in the car. As I hit the trail for the first time in eight years, everything I'd ever learned about hiking hit me at once like walking into a spider web. After removing the web from my face, I looked for a good stick to keep held in front of me to clear the trail of such obstacles and poke at things I find along the way. I also remembered that cotton boxers aren't the most comfortable things to be wearing for activities where you sweat a lot. Don't ask. I don't expect you to, but I just wanted to be sure. Oh yeah, go here for sagely advice. The sign at the front of the trail said that the average hiking speed was 1.5 miles per hour. I began the trip with my normal pace of about 6 miles per hour but after half an hour of climbing over rocks, I'd slowed down to about 0.5 or so. Round trip was over 9 miles and I still managed to pull it off in a little over two hours. When I got to the camp site, I found that there were some tables donated by a Boy Scout troop I used to be in. I was happy about that but mad that some asshole fucked up the fire pit that is there for public use. Damned inconsiderate pointlessly destructive bastards. I'll bet they were left handed albino French Canadian midgets. Either that or commie rednecks. I haven't decided yet. I got back tonight and had the best damned cold shower in history. I swear, it was magical or something. If I had a bar of Irish Spring, some leprechauns would have jumped out to dance and sing show toons to me or something. Too bad all I had was Dial. Instead, Tony Danza jumped out and started dancing but I kicked him in the nuts and locked him out of the bathroom. I'll bet he was the one who fucked up the grill at the camp site. I should kick his ass for that. I'll bet he's still hiding around here somewhere.

14:40EST-WED-9/27/2K

Well today is my day to finally get out on the trails and get some hiking done. I woke up early this afternoon and went back to bed. I wound up staying too late at work again. I'm here at work now waiting on a single phone call before I can leave and head for the hills. Do I like hiking? Not as much as I like camping. I am going to try to hike all the trails at Frozenhead State Park in hopes of finding a cool campsite for a camping trip I'd like to set up in the upcoming weeks. Do I normally put forth this much planning for a single weekend? Not usually. I guess I've just been feeling uppity lately. Besides, it was either this or I stay at home all day, play with the ferret, and let Starcraft kick my ass again. It's kicked my ass for a week straight so far and the ferret keeps jumping on my keyboard on it's way up my arm to give me wet willies. It's bad enough when someone you know gives you a wet Willie, but when an albino tube rat has an unhealthy fascination with your ears, things can get a little bit strange.

20:14EST-TUE-9/26/2K

I hate banks. I really do. They are generally pretty damned slow to process any request. I checked my account on Friday night online and it said that I had more than enough to order my rims and tires. I get a reply from the vendor stating that something went wrong with my transaction and therefore nothing is going to happen. That was on Friday. I pull out a hundred dollars this afternoon for lunch money and the receipt says I've got nine bucks in my account. That's fucked up. I checked the account online again and it shows the withdrawal I made on Friday but I -still- have plenty of cash left over for all of my purposes. Death. Death to all who oppose us!

04:41EST-9/25/2K

It's late. I'm drunk. I'm -really- drunk. It has taken me almost five minutes just to write this much. I keep trying to respell each word until I think I've gotten it right. Wow. It's been a grand weekend. First I bleach my hair blonde and then I go drinking with two -very- sexy women, then the usual amount of nothing happens. Today, I wake up at the wee hours of this afternoon and could have sworn that the ferret was crawling on me again. That was the weirdest part. I shot bolt-upright trying to figure out where the ferret had gone but I couldn't figure it out. Then, I realized that the ferret was still in her room. Yeah, I figured out that it was a she the other day because I was talking on the phone with someone and they asked what sex it was but I didn't know. I took it upon myself to ask the ferret what sex he/she/it is but I didn't get the answer until after lifting the tail and finding out for myself. Anyway, the ferret is a female and as such we can't call it "Guy". Even though it has knocked over many innocent ash trays, we cannot even call it Pontus after knowing this little tid-bit of info. It's a shame too. It would be a great honor to be able to name him after one of our good friend due to the beasts keen ability to knock over ash trays in the most uncool areas (Patrick's keyboard, etc) but alas, I cannot do that to Pontus by relating his name to a female otter. Even though it's not an otter, I am too drunk to make the distinction. I think otters like water more but the ferret (yeah, that's what it is) likes water a whole lot. It even tried to jump into the shower with me this morning. How cool! Granted, that would have been very weird, but not for the reason that I've got another sentient being looking up at my wang. I rather enjoy it when I've got other sentient beings looking up at my wang. Heather, I love you. If you didn't click on that link, you simply must or else your life is forfeit. Tycho and Gabe are l33t3, y0. Anyway, I'm currently getting my drunk on over at a friend's house and it's fun. I've started coming over here on Sundays because that's when the best liquor is served. I was informed the other day that there was a pool this weekend and asked if I would like to place my money on any of the contestants. The pool involved the drunken Sunday (today, this evening, whatever) and involved three people. The pool was for which person would be frolicking in the front yard naked first. My ears immediately perked up. This was just the sort of thing I get myself into. Apparently, people at work know me better than I thought because of the three people to place bets on, it was the guy who was talking to me, another guy who is really crazy and extremely cool, and myself. I was flattered and surprised that they included me in that pool. Apparently I was the favored to win the competition and as such I couldn't have won much by betting on myself. Am I really that much of a weirdo that people from work would include me in such a bet? Damn skippy! I'd like to refer you to one of my personal motos. "Anything for a laugh". That goes right along with "Anything for a friend" and some other stuff. Lucas can attest to both. I've helped him out a great deal in the past just as he's helped me and I'm still a cheap date and a notorious slut to accompany the first moto. Did I mention that I'm a hedonist? To quote Jason Hyde, "Good head is good head" but I'm still painfully straight. The only sexy woman I know who thinks like a guy (i.e.:beefbeefbeefbeefbeefbeefbeefbeefbeef) lives too far away to be enjoyed on a regular basis. I hope she's getting more than I am.

17:01EST-SAT-9/23/2K

Well I got my promotion yesterday. I'm fairly happy about it. While they were interviewing me, one of the questions they asked "Where do you see yourself in five years?". I'd heard tales of people saying things like "president of the company" and other such high goals. This is supposed to show motivation in the employee, but it's not my style. I thought about saying "King of the world," or something like that but I realized that I too was losing sight of the overall purpose of a job and desire for promotion. That's why I said the bit about the beach and taco. That's the reason we all want to get paid more. It's so we can live a more comfortable and rewarding life. I don't want to be president of any company. I just want to be cozy in life. Besides, don't you think that would be kinda stressful as the president of XYZ Corp or something? I do. Damn, look at the time. I'm off to hang out with friends and drink some booze.

03:56EST-FRI-9/22/2K

It just walked right in and sat down like it owned the place

While we were sitting in our usual spots in front of our computers, an albino ferret just walked right in the front door and made itself at home. We were really fucked up by this at first but after I jumped up and down a few times "can we keep it, can we keep it, can we keep it" we decided to keep it. We'll need to get some kind of cage or something to keep it in but for now it has full roam of the house. In this picture you can see it nestled in Patrick's lap. So far all it's done is sleep in his lap as we watched the awful fun at StickDeath.com and then ran around the house looking for stuff to break. Seeing as how we didn't have anything to keep it in for it and our safety, we put it in the new room we're building. It's first day in the house and it gets the largest bedroom.

18:42EST-THU-9/21/2K

I talked to a guy at the NOC today and someone else within the company while on a 3-way over the phone. They both live and work in Atlanta. I've been talking to all sorts of people from the Atlanta area today. Mostly we've been talking about the horrible traffic, the high crime rate, the exorbitant prices of living, the horrible traffic, the mere existence of Buckhead, the horrible traffic, the bad weather today and accidents because of the horrible traffic and the bad roads. Am I sick or something? I actually -miss- living there.

23:31EST-WED-9/20/2K

I've been trying to organize a camping trip for this weekend because the weather is all nice and chilly. I -love- fall. No, really. I -LOVE- fall. It's the greatest season of all. Anyway, I was wanting to get a group of people and take off to the local mountain and pitch a tent. Shut up. That's not what I meant. Ok, that would have been amusing too, but I meant a real tent. Any tent I pitched would only be a couple of inches tall at best. Never mind... Anyway, I forgot to tell anyone about the trip but except for two people. Now, it's too late to get anyone to go with me because they're all working and I've almost been talked into driving down to Atlanta to help Zak get a new car. Oh well. I'm sure all it'll take at this point is gas money and promise of a free meal.

21:38EST-WED-9/20/2K

Follow-up to my attempt to become better paid: I came in to work early today and was asked to do an interview for the new job. After chewing on my nails for about 15 minutes, they finally called me into a sound proof room with glass walls and three senior supervisors interviewed me. One of the questions was "Where do you want to be in 5 years". Oh, this is just too easy. I looked at my watch to see what today's date was and then without missing a beat replied, "I will be lounging on a Maui beach with a Corona and a taco". This went over pretty well. I was hoping they would ask where I'd be in 10 years. I would have replied with, "trying to pay off that taco".

18:08EST-WED-9/20/2K

I remember when a man could openly say that he wanted a "manwich" and people would know that he was referring to a hearty beef sandwich and not some sort of perverse gay slang.

17:58EST-WED-9/20/2K

Just for laughs, I told someone that I got into a fight with my penis a moment ago. They looked at me and replied, "So that's what they are calling it these days".

15:35EST-WED-9/20/2K

I was talking with someone about penises. He said that he has named his. I've heard of this phenomenon, but I don't buy into it. First off, they're damned uncooperative as it is and any mental association with independence of the member would inevitably lead to more problems. It's not Spike, Dick, Roger, or any other cute name. It's just "my cock". Associating your penis with an independent mind and personality can be nothing but problems. Let us just imagine what the world would be like with these new social implications. First off, the brontosaurus is said to have a separate brain located in it's tail. If it's part of your own body and nervous system and has it's own personality, it's got to be able to communicate with you. Just imagine the conversations you'd have with your cock. Depending on it's personality, it would probably be all about sex. I'm sure this would be fine for a while but in the long run it'd probably get old. What if your penis was really annoying? What it if wanted to talk to you ALL THE DAMNED TIME? What if it had different sexual preferences than you did? Wouldn't that make the shower room at the gym so much more embarrassing? What if it wanted to be played with constantly ("Play with me, play with me!") and wouldn't shut up about it? What if it didn't like the person you're dating? What if women's genitalia were sentient too? Would everything be a double-date after that?

00:32EST-WED-9/20/2K

Cool! Job stuff is going very well. For some reason, I was tricked into applying for a promotion at work and in order to get it we had to pass a written test and a couple of monitored escalations. I took the written test on Friday and completed it in under twenty minutes AND paid for the pizza that arrived while I was taking the test. The people who were around me gave me evil looks. Mostly it was just Sydney. He has closed his mind towards all things Macintosh and that's probably why. I was congratulated by a supervisor today for getting the highest score on the test. Today I took the escalation calls. I thought I did horribly but apparently I did better than average. Damn, I'm good. With the meager raise associated with the new position I'm trying to get, I'll finally be able to afford the chrome plated wheelbarrow to haul my ego around in. I think I'll celebrate and go home on time tonight.

22:35EST-MON-9/18/2K

I watched Breakfast of Champions today before work. What a twisted movie. Before we started it, Patrick told me that he had tried to watch it with Zak but they fell asleep after the first five minutes. He said that those first five minutes were REALLY friggin weird. He was wrong. The whole movie was weird. Verging on surreal. No, more surreal than that. Not quite as surreal as Strange Planet, but not as twisted as anything that Dali has done. Where the Buffalo Roam? Worse than that. Not quite as visual as Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Still, because I -really- get into the movies I watch, it really messed with me for a couple of hours as I calmed down and became more comfortable with reality. My reality at least... Reality is subjective. It's been proven. If we're sane, then does that make people who don't believe in the same reality as someone else less sane? If you believe in something completely, then what is to say that it is not real if it can affect you and you it? If someone else doesn't believe in it, but it still affects them, does that make THEM insane? If we adopt a new reality, then what is to keep it from becoming true? If we don't like the one we're in now, as a whole, then why don't we try one of the realities that other people are living in? Can we come over and visit?

17:03EST-SUN-9/17/2K

Yesterday was a damned good day. I woke up to the pleasant surprise of friends visiting from Atlanta. I then was ecstatic to find out that fall has us firmly in it's grasp. The temperatures were chilly and I was able to don my leather jacket again. I then got to play Starcraft and Unreal Tournament for a few hours while UT lost the game in the last 13 seconds of the 4th quarter. That was the worst part. I was hoping they would beat Florida for a change. Of well, the massive amounts of booze I had that night more than made up for it. Now, I'm trying to get a camping trip together. I'd love to go out to Frozen Head state park for a weekend. Preferably for two days, but I'll settle for overnight.

17:45EST-FRI-9/15/2K

Is it taboo, or dogma? Go here and think about the religious ramifications of such a truth in our society. If Jesus came back, would he at least have the forethought to email us first so we'd know to log off and look for him?

01:20EST-FRI-9/15/2K

I've been slack. I admit this freely. I am a slack rat bastard. Anyway, enough self debasing. It's only fun for a little bit. I've been playing Unreal Tournament a lot lately. A lot more than Starcraft. This is a shame. Stracraft is such a great game and I spent forever trying to track down a copy of Brood War once I found out that it was released. You would be surprised how quickly retailers stop stocking a game. Besides, it is pretty old by now and I'd expect to find it in a bargain bin if I found it at all. Luckily, a friend of mine had it so I'm playing with his copy. That's when I figured I'd upgrade a few parts on my pc and mess everything up in the process. Speaking of which, I am now trying to build a server to use as FTP, game hosting, and web serving. I'm sure I'll think of other uses. Maybe I'll also set it up as a VPN and tunnel server. Hell, while I'm at it, I'll set it up to be a DNS and Proxy server as well. I can throw a shell on it so I can run a fake domain name (like inyourpants.org) or something else. I'll throw enough firewalls and security countermeasures on it that every computer on either side of it will never surf again! There's a program that you can put on your server called "Mantrapper" that will make someone who hacks into your system think they're in it. It will respond with fake answers to the hackers commands and just keep him isolated in a virtual environment while it tracks the intruders information and calls the cops. What fun! Hell, I might even feel safe running Gnutella on that thing. Granted, I'm going to try to build it out of spare parts so it'll probably be a low grade Pentium 133 (yeah, old sk00l). The motherboard I'm using is so old, it has a removable L2 cache slot (shudder). Once it's built, I'll move this page to it. That way you don't get any of those annoying pop-ups in the corner. I'm actually pleased that they're so much less annoying than they used to be. I've been using geocities for so long, I remember when they were still independent, based out of the UK, and HTML 2.0 was the shiznit. I should break down and learn flash but then you'd hate me and I'd hate Photoshop. Scratch that... I already hate Photoshop.

17:53EST-WED-9/13/2K

I stumbled upon www.neopets.com yesterday. I've created a pet named ShastyMcNasty. The web site needs work. You can tell it's fairly new and the coders are in over their heads, but it's amusing anyway.

23:54EST-TUE-9/12/2K

Alrighty then! I was just cruising around the web and Zak showed this to me. Apparently there is a web site where guys submit pics of themselves and other people grade it. They also have little biographies about themselves. This guy had a lot of things written in his bio like "madd krazy ski11z" and what not. I was very disturbed. Zak just chose this pic at random and we almost fell out of our seats when we realized that he's getting all "friendly" with this... this... woodchuck. I think it's stuffed. I can't be sure though. I don't know which one is more disturbing. If it's dead, that means it's not likely to run away or complain about being manhandled, but it's still kind of weird. If, however, it's alive and just posing with him, THAT would be funny!

16:26EST-TUE-9/12/2K

I don't smoke. I never really have. I remember when I was nine years old, this one kid and I got a pack of cigarettes and a couple of dirty magazines. We hid behind his garage and smoked the entire pack while looking at the magazines. That kid started turning various shades of green and complaining about not feeling well. He went back inside and I finished browsing the magazines. I didn't get a single buzz or anything else from the cigarettes, but the magazines were great! I've always had a really strong metabolism and immune system. A lot of things just do not affect me at all. For the most part, this made being a druggy impossible in high school. Thank God. Unfortunately, this also meant I was immune to pain relievers. I guess that's why I didn't get off on cigarettes either. From that day on, I decided two things.

I don't smoke
Porn is good for you

This great immunity, luckily, does not extend to booze as well. I'm a cheap date, and I'm proud! During my wonderful week in Florida, I drank EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and enjoyed every minute of it. The problem was when I got back. My tolerance had shot through the roof. I drank four times as much as I typically did and I was still far from buzzed. What a rip off! I worked for a couple of weeks and it was back down to 0. Now I can have my occasional few beers or shots and I�m gone with the wind again. Cool. The problem I face now is that I am fighting a bad habit of smoking while drinking or in other social situations. It seems to be getting easier to resist the temptation again (praise Eris) but what with it being Tuesday, I don�t get an urge for damned near anything. I�ll know by this weekend.

19:51EST-MON-9/11/2K

Have you ever had one of those mornings where you wake up and you just don't have the energy to do a damned thing? That was me Sunday after waking up the wrong way again. I didn't have a hangover. I had that while I was drinking. Woke up fine. I meandered around the house in my boxers for a few hours and kept reminding myself that I still needed to shower and wash my hair but never left the keyboard once I sat down. For that matter, I didn't even comb my hair for another 6 hours. This is extremely atypical of me. I'm notorious for always wanting to have perfectly combed hair. I always have a comb in my pocket, a backup in my car, and three in the bathroom. I spent 18 hours sitting in front of my computer surfing, listening to Front 242 and Fat Boy Slim MP3s. I didn't even bother to get dressed and go out for food. I would have cooked my favorite flavor of Ramen Noodles (Hot and Spicy) but I was out. Damn. I called Papa Johns and flirted with the order taker trying to order a pizza but I had to wait until Patrick got back in before she'd take my order. I guess she wanted to give me a hard time, or was just too bored to harass anyone else. That's pretty damned bored. Patrick said he'd bring me a pizza when he got off of work but it might be another hour or so. I looked at my watch and noticed I'd waited 7 hours to think about what to have for breakfast (making it 8pm) and figured another hour was fine. Four hours later, Patrick showed up with the goods. I was still in my boxers. He wasn't impressed. I'm glad. That would have been weird. I finally got up and showered at 5am. Then I went to bed. What a hard day. I can't take much more of this. >:P

19:12EST-MON-9/11/2K

I need to make sure that people who enter and leave our house know how to lock and properly close the new "Entry System" to our house. I call it an "Entry System" because that's what it said all over the box and documentation. They couldn't just call it a door, noooo. That would be too easy. I guess the technical writer was being paid by the word (or better yet, by the letter) and decided to beef up the documents and their paycheck. Anyway, our new "Entry System" is really neat and aside from not yet having a hole for our fish-eye or a hole for the dead bolt, it's super (thanks for asking). Anyway, have you ever been shaken awake? You know how you get really jumpy when it happens? I was shaken awake by an 8 year old kid Saturday morning who was asking if he could borrow a CD. I sleep with a loaded HK USP .45 under my pillow that I caress during my sleep. When I refused, he asked if he could play a game on my computer. I refused again. He started to ask me something else but all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. In an attempt at manipulation, I told the kid that I would be more likely to say yes if he asked me later. It worked! He left, and I locked the door. I didn't hear from him again all day. Sunday morning he shook me awake again. Gun. I lock the door before bed now and make sure Patrick knows to lock it if he leaves in the morning. Just to be safe, I unloaded the .45 before going to sleep last night.

16:11EST-MON-9/11/2K

The best part about Saturday was not getting another speeding ticket. I had to throw this one into the glove box with the other one. I thought about that as I sped to work today. After the recent string of speeding tickets, I'm actually in fear of losing my license again. That's not cool. Six months without being able to drive my car. That would make working almost impossible. I was jobless last time but this time I have too many things that I'm depending on. I think I'm going to start slowing down. At least I'll try.

15:00EST-SUN-9/10/2K

Although the turnout wasn't what I was expecting it to be, the few of us who DID make it to the bonfire had quite a bit of fun. Many an alcoholic beverage were consumed and several bits of food were burned badly before consumption. You'd be amazed at how quickly a hotdog or keilbasa cooks on a grill. I'm serious, it doesn't take any time at all. I turned my back for a second to get another beer or flirt and the next thing I know, I've got another oblong piece of charcoal on the grill. We were having the party as a sending off for our friend Lucas and even Jason showed up from Memphis. After several beers, I was able to debate the viability of the Probability Kit with the women there. Once again, I found myself in a discussion about the good, the bad, and the ugly of oral sex and stressing the necessity of deep-throating while giving head if it's to be a successful endeavor. Time to upload some pics...

03:34EST-SAT-9/09/2K

Threesomes. There is a certain level of etiquette involved in threesomes. You may not realize this, but it's true. The essential item here is the Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich. Let me explain by way of example: Two guys and one girl are having a wonderful evening together. With two guys and only one girl, this inevitably means that one of the guys will have the actual sex and the second guy will be relegated to further the foreplay and lend a hand wherever appropriate (passing the lube, condoms, butter, a towel, etc.) until it's his turn at bat. When the first guy finishes up (usually pretty quickly the first time) then he's usually pretty exhausted and while fighting the post-coitus chemical in his brain that's trying to convince him that now's the perfect time to fall asleep, he has to do something to keep him awake and alert until he's ready to go again. During this time, it is vital to replenish fluids lost from exertion (sweat, mostly). So he'll need to make a stop by the kitchen for a tasty beverage. While he's there he MUST NOT FORGET TO MAKE A PB&J! By this time, the second guy is probably either just about ready to take a breather. When it comes time to get back into the action, he must tag in by presenting the other guy with the PB&J. What could possibly be better to receive after giving it your all than a vitamin and mineral enriched tasty snack that has been the staple of our growing years. So, remember guys, the moral of this story is: When it comes time to tag in, be considerate and don't leave home without your trusty rusty rubbers and a tasty sandwich in case of an emergency booty call.

22:54EST-FRI-9/08/2K

I fell asleep while I was at work tonight. We all stayed up late and moved the living room into the other room so I've been kind of tired. I somehow managed to slip straight into REM sleep or something because I managed to have a short dream before someone woke me. It was a really cool dream! I was on the Love Boat and I met this one girl who kept talking about black leather. We got very "friendly" in a hurry (it's a guy dream, leave me alone) and while I was feeling around, my hand stumbled upon the Heckler and Koche USP 10mm that she had hidden on her. I'm -still- sporting a chubby.

17:23EST-FRI-9/08/2K

I plan on moving back to Atlanta some time soon for two reasons. The first is that I've been offered a kick-ass job which will give me an instant 50% pay increase to start with and then top out at three times what I'm making now. I'm all about it. The down side is that I will be leaving behind the majority of my friends who remain up here. I haven't hung out with my Atlanta friends in forever. I guess I should start emailing them and open lines of communication again. I wonder what Erik and all the White Wolf guys are up to... The second reason I'm going down (and one of the major deciding factors) is that Heather may be moving there once she finishes her Masters degree. I'm very proud of her. I always have fun when I'm with her and if she moves to Atlanta, I'd like to move down too because she's my favorite ex-girlfriend and if she's there, Atlanta can't be as lonely as it was last time. I swear, all I ever did down there was drive, work, drive, play Everquest , sleep, wash, rinse, repeat. The sad part, is that I value my friends so much more than financial security that if she doesn't move up there, I'd just stay here where I am now and drink myself stupid every weekend. Sacrificing career wealth for being slack with my pals.

Does this make me an idealist, or a dork?

01:04EST-FRI-9/08/2K

Sydney was shown how to get AIM to use while we're at work. He showed me and that's what I've been doing ever since. Damn, I'm slack. Now I can be reached just about any time via KarlGruber. Is it wrong to work hard towards low achievements?

19:49EST-Thu-9/07/2K

Zak just gave me the best idea. I'll take the top 17 remixes and put them all on a Hamster Rave 2000 CD. After I made and then lost a CD I made for Paintball, this should be interesting (if not maddening).

19:00EST-THU-9/07/2K

Have you ever found yourself with the Hamsterdance song stuck in your head? I do this at least once a day. It's just too evil. Everyone knows it's just a sound clip from a song that's been looped, but I never really thought much about the song it came from. Someone reminded me that it was indeed a real song and that they had it somewhere on CD. I wanted to hear the real thing pretty bad but having an attention span so short that it even makes watching a music video difficult, I forgot all about it until someone else brought up the subject. I mentioned my desire to hear the full song and he said that he'd look into it. What a guy! Days later, he came up and told me that he found the original song, and a techno remix of it on Napster. Hampton the Hamster. Naturally, as soon as I got home, I did a search for it. I maxxed out my search with enough results to choke a camel. They were all named the exact same thing, though. "The Original Hamsterdance" by Hampton the Hamster. I picked one from a random T3 and sucked it down. I played it and was amazed to discover that it was the techno remix. Damn it, I wanted the original. I downloaded another one. It was a DIFFERENT remix. I downloaded 7 different versions and they were all different techno remixes. I still haven't found the original, but by the time I find it I'm pretty sure I'll have enough remixes to throw Hamster Rave 2000. Keep an eye on your windshield wiper for more news.

17:02EST-THU-9/07/2K

I think after I finish reading all the stuff that William Gibson has written (except for the Difference Engine because it's not cyberpunk) I'll read Orson Well's 1984. After reading the Dune series, the Illuminatus Trilogy, and then a whole bunch of cyberpunk books by various authors, it should fit right in. That, and it's one of the great political classics that I've been dying to read for a long time but the local library has warrants out for my death after borrowing Vivaldi's 4 Seasons CD and then being hospitalized for a year. I didn't know libraries legally could charge you that much money in late fees. Maybe I should learn how to hack into their computers and erase my debt before they send someone to break my knees. Welcome to Oak Ridge.

16:38EST-THU-9/07/2K

Lucas was over at the house and we started talking about what computer elitist we are. I asked him to elaborate and he pointed at the house we are living in. It is a thirty grand piece of shit that we have knocked down 1/4 of the walls and added about 300 square feet of space to. It is still under construction and amongst plaster buckets, wood, tools, spackle knives, drywall, and piles of nails and dust we have got thousands of dollars in home theatre and computer equipment. Hell, I am using an old Pentium 133 file server as my mouse pad. I realized how right he is and laughed.

23:27EST-TUE-9/05/2K

Tomorrow is Lucas' going away party. One of them at least. I kept trying to think of some way to get out of work early. I had to be sneaky. I had to be subtle. I had to make them think that it was really urgent that I left early. This will be tricky since I called in on Monday so I could drink with friends and have a longer Labor Day weekend. I planned for hours about sicknesses, accidents, fake dramas at home, deaths of the family, death of myself, ends of the world, free money, free love, catching a 24-hour Ebola flu, imprisonment, being sealed up in a wooden crate and shipped to Mexico while under the effects of a "zombie drug", and then it just came to me as I bit into my taco before work. With my story all planned out in my mind, I walked into work, found my supervisor, and set my plan into motion.

"Regina, around eight or nine o'clock, I'm going to leave early and go drinking with Lucas and a whole bunch of hot chicks."
"O.K. Tell Lucas I said 'hi' and make sure they're legal," she said.

I honestly expected more of a fight. Lucky me that all the management is corrupt.

20:04EST-TUE-9/05/2K

I like Tacos.

19:53EST-TUE-9/05/2K

If you need a laugh and don't mind downloading video clips or large images, then consumptionjunction.com is where you want to go. Don't tell them I sent you. In fact, try not to talk to them at all. Not that the webmaster bites or anything. Biz does, but it's worth it for some of the weirdness he throws into his reviews. He's almost as random as I am.

18:32EST-TUE-9/05/2K

Wow. I just checked the stats for this page and was amazed at the diversity of people who have been visiting the page. I started this site as a way to keep my journal online and have somewhere to refer people I meet who wanted to know what I looked like. The sex page received 49 hits last week and the majority of them were Macintosh users. How exciting! I'm almost tempted to hook my poor old 7500 back up again. Actually, that would be really funny. Using an old Mac on a cable connection would probably make it choke. Probably not one that was working properly, but this one is my graphics workstation and as such I've had an ass-load of shareware put on it and it's been tainted by the unforgiving touch of AOL software. It's never been quite stable since. Still, I'm getting kind of nostalgic about it. I might just do that.

16:53EST-TUE-9/05/2K

Good morning, friends and neighbors! What a weekend. After knee boarding, Patrick and I have really sore arms. It hurts to stretch or straighten our arms. This must be worse for Patrick than it is for me. He actually has to move around at work lifting stuff and smacking dumb monkeys who aren't doing their job. Meanwhile, I just sit in front of this computer and talk on the phone. How stressful, I know. That's probably why I enjoy as much booze as possible on a rather irregular basis. Last night was one such occasion. I woke up in the middle of the morning (around sunrise) and stumbled into the kitchen to try to relieve my dehydration. Much to my horror, the bottle of Sprite that I was hoping would be there was missing. So was the bottle of Dr. Pepper that would have been superb at just that moment. Other than various other types of beer, the only thing to drink was my jug of milk. I try not to drink milk at night because it just makes me want to have more and the foul breath the following morning. The choice was obvious. I grabbed the jug and was about to close the door to the fridge when I noticed the bottle of Hershey's strawberry milk syrup. Mmmm. Moments later, I had an entire jug of strawberry milk. It was very tastey. I should have brought the rest to work but they think I'm strange enough already as opposed to walking around work with a suit, tie, and a big orange jug or strawberry milk.

03:36EST-TUE-9/05/2K

Well, it was a blast up until a few minutes ago. We started off by going to a local thing called Boomsday where they use tons of fireworks in conjunction to a radio show to set fire to one of the busiest bridges in Knoxville for about 25 minutes every Labor Day. For this, I called in sick to work. Actually, I could care less about the display. Instead, I just wanted to hang out with cute women, good friends, and drink a lot of cider while burning various animal meats on a $5 grill. We spent more on the charcoal than the grill. Sick, eh? Anyway, that part was a real blast. After that, we went over to the girls' house to finish the alcohol that we didn't finish during the brief 25 minute firework display and just relax, hang out, and discuss cities of birth. I was shocked by some of the answers and found out that one of the girls has a remarkably similar background to myself. It's a shame I'm not her type. Trust me, I asked long ago. We all had a lot of fun, drank some booze, and talked for a long time. Ok, so maybe I did the majority of the talking, but they said that I was more fun when I am drunk. That's a shame. Usually, I consider myself to be a regular barrel of monkeys if you get me going but I usually hold back a lot if I'm around people I don't know too well. After all, I don't want to scare them away, now do I? Never mind the fact that I act up a lot while I'm on coffee, but that's an entirely different kind of rant. When I'm drunk, I couldn't give a flying fuck what I say and I usually do it in the most colorful and entertaining manner I can manage. The greatest compliment you can give me is your trust, but nothing makes me feel better than for me to be able to make you laugh. Yes, even better than sex. I started going on about all sorts of things and before I knew it, I was told that I was more fun while I was blasted and I realized that I was standing up doing my thing and everyone was just watching me, pointing and laughing again. It feels good. When I got home, however, I found someone on AIM that I hadn't talked to in several years. She was an old girlfriend. She was the girlfriend before last. That was three years ago. Don't get the wrong idea. I don't date for long periods of time. They all last only 3.5 months. This one and I broke up on very bad terms. This is a rarity for me because nothing pains me more than losing a friend and she knew how to push all my buttons like a master. We talked tonight (probably because we were both drunk) and although she would say that she didn't openly hate me, there was probably something in a box she's kept sealed up all this time. That's harsh. I thought I got it bad back THEN. We were civil and all but I couldn't help feeling like shite. There's a lot of history involved and the whole relationship seemed like it was all based on fighting and make-up sex. That was one of the most emotionally draining, dramatic, and rewarding relationships I've ever had. Remember how I keep talking about how I'm a sucker for bitches and women who make the first move? Bingo. Anyway, I still feel like shite after that conversation but I had a great day nevertheless. I'm looking forward to work tomorrow.

04:19EST-MON-9/04/2K

Today was a good day. We went to the lake and had fun riding around on the boat and inhaling water during failed attempts to ride a knee-board. In spite of not really being thirst as a result, we were sure to have a few drinks during the day. This could be part of the reason why we fell off the board so many times. Give me a few minutes and I'll get off my lazy bum and upload some pics of us being dumb on the water. Actually, never mind. You probably don't care. We're all pale white boys who are either Irish, Scottish, German, or redneck. I'm the German.

02:42EST-SUN-9/03/2K

THE MOST FUCKED UP THING ON THE WEB

19:10EST-FRI-9/01/2K

I remember the time I bought an inflatable sex sheep. It was called a "Love Ewe". What a laugh! It was black, life-sized, looked like it was wearing lipstick, and only cost $20. I -had- to have it. As I looked at the box on the shelf between vibrators and fur lined handcuffs. Sure, there were inflatable guys and girls, but I wasn't in the market for either. In fact, I wasn't even there to buy anything but to have fun with a few friends when we decided that we absolutely HAD to stop by the place and pick up a gift for our friends wedding. I stared at the box and had mental images flicked through my mind of all the fun I could have with such a thing. It would be a great toy for tossing back and forth like a beach ball. It would make a great pillow while reading a book. It would make a great floatation device at the public pool. I could take it to the wedding as my guest. It would look great conspicuously placed wherever it would seem the most embarrassing. I looked at the price tag and quickly weighed the money I had in my pocket with whether or not I wanted to be able to eat that week. I took it out of the box and inflated it while we were at Applebees later that night. They kindly asked us to leave. We never got the bill. A few days before the wedding, there was a scandal about someone having used it while we were sleeping and then it would up with a pinhole in it's... hole. We bid farewell to "Ellis, the Inevitable Sex Sheep".

00:54EST-FRI-9/01/2K

Some days I hate my job so much that I swear I'm going to walk out and give everyone the bird as I set fire to the building. Other days, I feel guilty that they pay me perfectly good money to do this. Today has been a little bit of both. I'd say that's a good thing because I've noticed a trend within the past couple of days where I show up and life sucks, but after a while, things start going pretty damned good for me. In fact, come to think of it, that time is usually around sunset. Could there be something to this? Will we ever discover a link between tech support and after-dark calls? Will we ever figure out if Miami has slid into the sea and that's why nobody can get onto the internet? Where will the party be? Think of the attraction a sunken Miami would make for the scuba hobby. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop? What the hell is a "tootsie"? Is "tootsie" a natural or synthetic compound? The world may never know...