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This page lists a collection of
top ten lists about the X-FILES.
If you'd like to make a suggestion about a future top ten list, make a
comment about this page, or if you don't get a joke (what are the odds of
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The truth may be out there, but this ain't it.
These lists are meant to be funny. Please don't take anything on this
page seriously.
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From the homepage office in Washington,
D.C.:
TOP TEN RECOMMENDED MOVIES FOR
X-PHILES
by Cancer
Fan
10)Conspiracy
Theory.
9)Contact.
8)Men
In Black.
7)JFK.
6)The
Empire Strikes Back.
5)The
Blair Witch Project.
4)The
Manchurian Candidate.
3)The
Sixth Sense.
2)The
Iron Giant.
And number one...
The
X-Files: Fight the Future.
TOP TEN THINGS MULDER AND SCULLY
FORGOT TO DO ON THEIR RECENT TRIP TO KANSAS CITY
(in the episode "Fight Club" airing May 7th, 2000)
by Kansas City native Cancer Fan
10)Pose in front of a fountain
like every other idiot who visits here.
9)Eat at Arthur Bryants.
8) Get sick at Arthur Bryant's.
7) Make fun of the Royals.
6) Make fun of the Royals some more.
5) Tune in to the
ROCK!
4) Re-accredit the school district.
3) Get a bunch of Derrick Thomas jersies.
2) See Dean Haglund perform at Stanford and Sons Comedy Club in Westport.
And number one...
Realize that the real Kansas City is in MISSOURI.
(Yes, there is a Kansas City, Kansas, but there's nothing there except
low-income housing, a couple of McDonald's, and a lot of people on there way somewhere
else! For more bitching, click here.)
OUR VERY FIRST BOTTOM TEN
LIST!
BOTTOM TEN REJECTED OPENING CREDIT TAG LINES
by Cancer
Fan
91) "Don't you have anything better to
do on a Sunday night?"
92) "Role that beautiful baked-bean footage!"
93) "We're sorry our movie sucked."
94) "Brought to you buy..."
95) "There Can Be Only One!"
96) "Log On at WWW.THEX-FILES.COM!"
97) "Manos...the Hands of Fate."
98) "VELVEETA!"
99) "Sock it to me!"
And the absolutely last rejected tag line...
"Is that your final answer?"
REJECTED OPENING CREDIT LINES #30-21
30) “Doggett! Doggett! Doggett!”
29) “Is It 2004 Yet?”
28) “The Tribal Council Has Spoken.”
27) “Number nine…number nine…number nine…”
26) “Who Let the Dogs Out!?!”
25) “Dave, My Mind Is Going…”
24) “Don’t’ Blame Us, We Voted For Ralph!”
23) “Is It Soup Yet?”
22) “Special Guest-Star: Tony Soprano!”
21) “D’Oh!”
REJECTED OPENING CREDIT LINES
#20-11
by Cancer
Fan
20) "Nobody Talks About FIGHT CLUB."
19) "Insert Title Here"
18) "Austin 3:16"
17) "Interested in the BEST of the Web? Click HERE!"
16) "SCULLIRIFIC!"
15) "Yo Quero Taco Bell"
14) "La Vida Loca"
13) "Skinner? We hardly know her!"
12) "DUDE!"
And...
11) "Oops!...We did it again!"
TOP TEN REJECTED OPENING CREDIT
TAG LINES
by Cancer
Fan
10) "The Truth is Right Behind You."
9) "Yatzee!"
8) "No One Expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
7) "What's the Frequencey, Kenneth?"
6) "Look Closer."
5) "Obla-di Obla-da, Life Goes On."
4) "Do You Smell What the Rock Is Cookin'?"
3) "David Duchovny's a Big Jerk."
2) "Shazaam!"
And number one...
"May the Force Be With You."
TOP TEN LINES CUT FROM THE
EPISODE "FIRST PERSON SHOOTER"
by Cancer
Fan
10) "Did she say her name was 'Soylent Green Afterglow'?"
9) "Who wants to make the requisite 'joy stick' joke?"
8) "We really need to stop letting William Gibson write for us..."
7) "This game is almost as cool as SOUL CALIBER for Dreamcast."
6) "Hey, Frohike, what's the deal? You haven't hit on Scully yet!"
5) "There can be only one!"
4) "Thank goodness we weren't trapped in Q-BERT."
3) "Get your fist out of your mouth, Mulder...you look like
Squiggy!"
2) "If this was a real video game her boobs would be way
bigger."
And number one...
"They were in this other room the whole time?! Boy, should we feel stupid!"
TOP TEN WAYS TO TICK SCULLY OFF
by Invisigoth II
10) Ask her where her office is.
9) Call her "Dana".
8) Take her to a karaoke bar and make her sing "La Vida Loca".
7) Say how much you love her hair...then ask what number it is.
6) Ask about how the "old ball and chain" is. (Yes, this is a not
so subtle reference to how Mulder acts around her.)
5) Make a joke about how she once wanted to be a doctor.
4) Ask her what the new count for metal implants is the back of her neck is.
(Then duck really fast to avoid her fist.)
3) Ask her how her last date went. ("How is Ed? Oh, right! He just got
his sentence reduced to 30 years, good for him!")
2) Say something about Emily...then pray that she aims for the bullet-proof
vest.
And the number one way to tick Scully off...
1) Easy! Just point at her and laugh. Then be reassured that they will not
find your body for a long, long time.
A.D. SKINNER'S TOP TEN FAVORITE
THREATS
by Cancer
Fan
10) "I'm going to make your
life so miserable, you'll think you're on VH-1's 'Behind the Music.'"
9) "Don't make me rip your arm off and beat you with it."
8) "I'm going to stick my foot so far up your @$$ your intestines will
say 'Gucci'."
7) "When I get done with you, you're going to look like Michael
Jackson's spare parts."
6) "I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse." (I really
couldn't resist that one.)
5) "You're going to be in more pain than the audience at a Paully Shore
movie."
4) "By the time I get done with you, Jehovah's Witnesses won't even talk
to you."
3) "Don't make me open this vintage bottle of Dom Perim-Whoop @$$ I've been
saving."
2) Your mouth's been running up an expense account your butt can't sign
for."
And number one...
"I'll crush your onions!"
© 2000 by Cancer Fan.
Please don’t rip me off.
Come on, I asked nice.
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