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September 28, 2009

So. Work. Has me stressed out so bad right now I want to shoot myself in the face. I think one of my partners is out the door. Involuntarily. I'm just over it. Over getting walked all over. Just OVER IT. Inconsistency is something I'm not going to stand for anymore. UGH. My ass is on the line too! Happy FY10 to me!

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I feel you hurting. I feel your heart beating. Feel it slowly healing but still wondering what could have been. And of everything that we've both lost along the way. I was thinking today about Josephine. And Benjamin. And Brooke. And I thought... well... I still want all of that. Still want all of that with YOU. So on the way to J's place, I just played it all in my head. I'm happy with him. VERY happy. We're so compatible... and happy. And this can really work. But he's not you. And I know it's too early to tell... but I don't think that he's the one. And I sit here thinking how I'm gonna figure this out. Because thoughts of you fill my head. And I can't stop. And I want to. But I can't. And it KILLS.

I'm burnt out. Almost moved in to the new apartment. I'm freakin EXHAUSTED! Just glad I have some time off coming up. Okay... not a ton... but enough =)

September 23, 2009

I'm sitting at the Toyota dealership waiting for my car. He was in desperate need of an oil change and a car wash. So there we go. Mission accomplished. I need to check his tires, get an alignment, and then vacuum the crap out of him cuz of all the dog hair... but that will be later =) I think I'm just avoiding packing at all costs. It's gonna bite me in the ass later but I kind of don't care. As long as he's in good running shape then it's gravy. I managed to archive everything but September 2009 today. WOOOOO! From all the lagging I've been doing lately, I genuinely thought that I would lose all my files once the geocities thing went down. I'm losing all of my photos on marpictures, but whatever. I'll find them again another time. As long as photobooks stays alive then it's all good. I don't know what the heck I'll do if that ever happens. I never bothered to save them on a card or anything, so all my photos are just online. Scary thought, isn't it? Eh. I'll figure it out. I need to start shoppping around for a new server for this thing. Blogger is good, but i already have a blogspot. So I dunno.

And there's a HOOOOOOOOOOOOT '95 candy apple red SUPRA sitting in front of me. I saw it and wet myself. It's frigggggin sexxxxxy!

Anyhooo.... I really like where J and I are headed. Working through things, talking about everything. Really the only thing that bothers me is his time management. But I haven't brought it up, so I know it's something that he would work on if I ever did bring it up. He's very supportive and helps me to rationalize through things. Thoughtful and caring. And he's very generous with the compliments. The mar likey! I told my mom that we're planning to head to SD for the Raiders/Chargers game on the 1st and she kinda freaked on me. She said that she's paranoid that I'm gonna up and get married again. That's not gonna happen anytime soon. We'll see what happens. We're both still fresh out of marriages, so there's really no need to rush anything. We still haven't even had "the talk." (Which, BTW, was HILARIOUS that we were watching the series premier of HIMYM and Barney and Robin were avoiding "the talk" altogether!). So we'll see where things go. We've already had the "i'm not gonna see anyone else" talk. The "i really care about you and I would like to see where this relationship goes" talk. But the bf/gf talk... kind of nowhere in sight. I'm thinking he's gonna pull something around my birthday? But I guess we'll see what happens. I'm patient. We're practically bf/gf already so that's how I treat it.

Work... well... all but 2 people are on the same page. I'm working on the two but getting nowhere. It's hard to get to someone that is full of excuses and always thinks that they are right. I need more than a sledgehammer for this one. But hopefully hearts will win and they'll stop being so self centered and realize what they're doing. It sucks... but I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

My classes are going very well. Hopefully I'll get that job at HR Block. I really need to get my foot in the door and get into the 6 figure mark. Patience is the key, right? All in good time, I suppose.

Anyhooo... I should really try to get ahead on my classwork. =) Sorry for the lack of updates. The last class was crazy hard!

J's making me his mom's mac n cheese tonight and I'm surprising him with PetcoPark ribs a la mar! This should be an interesting night ;)

September 17, 2009

I have to say.. that was 2 of the best days ever! Weezer, San Diego, Blink, lotsa QT w/ Bri & Oso, beach, hella good food, met my cousin CheChe, her daughter Phoebe, time w/ the FamBam, PADRES!, and just good times. Dude. Afreakinmazing 2 days! Now I'm back. EXHAUSTED! But very very fulfilled at this point. At J's place cuz we're both that needy that I had to come see him even if it is for just a few hours.

I was thinking on the way over that I don't really know how we're gonna do this long distance thing. We were apart for 60 hours and went completely bonkers. And that's with hella stuff to keep ourselves occupied. A bit scary. But it could just be because we're still honeymooning it. The thought crossed my mind to just end things now.... save myself the heartbreak later. But... that wouldn't be too smart. We still don't know what's going on.

Bed time! Will continue later ^_^

September 15, 2009

Chargers WON!! WOOOT WOOOOOT! Which means that J has to wear my Bolts jersey on a full day that I designate! I've decided to make him wear it during Thanksgiving dinner when his whole family is here to watch ^_^ Oh yes. The mar is evil! Last night for MNF was good times. Tequila shots, beer, wings, and irish car bombs. Freakin awesome times!

J is aaaaamazing! My BSHOM. This morning was... well... awesome. My alarm went off at 6:30, I turned over and he gave me this "I don't wanna get up" look. So alarm was turned off and we snoozed for another hour. Goooooood nap! Then we got up, cuddled a bit, then he jumped in the shower and I made coffee. So domestic. It's freakin cute. That was a great morning ^_^

Scary how good it is. SCA. RY!

I'm in SD. Hodads w/ bribri. Frankster w/ the Valecruzes. Padres game during Filipino Heritage Night. And nowwww... Pho w/ the broskis!

September 13, 2009

Sitting here @ the kitchen table in Mesa w/ Frankels curled up at my feet, J next to me and Aunt Jane in the living room watching TV. Hrm. We've been sitting here studying and getting homework finished for the past couple of hours. Really the only distraction is Frankels and his whining. Productive. I'm not complaining. It's just... different.

But a good kind of different.

Started my HR Block class on Thursday. So far so good. There's a good chance of me getting hired in the beginning of December. Cross your fingers for me. I'm gonna need the extra income for Christmas! Speaking of.... I ran into a customer at the nail shop the other day and she offered me a part time position. Supposed to start sometime in October or November. Hrm. Dude. I dunno. Seems like a lot to pile on in addition to all the stuff that I'm drowning in currently, right? I guess we'll see what happens. I'm really just prepping myself for when J leaves for his internship. But... that's still TDB, apparently. We'll see.

But... like I said... I could always use the extra income. Get my debt paid down and get started on that minicooper! WOOOOOOO!

K. Like seriously... I just paid off a bunch of bills and magically my credit cards are back to where they used to be. WTF? Blame having to pay tuition, I guess. UGH. Here's to hoping my financial aid clears very very sooN! Pray for me. My credit can't take any more of this crap.

September 9, 2009

I thought about Janice today. It's still so weird that she's gone! I miss her so much! Even though we didn't really hang out very much even while she was pledging, it made a difference to know that she was my sister. She was one of those people that I knew that no matter what kind of shit I got myself into, she would have my back... even if she didn't agree with the decisions that I was making. I remember not seeing her for a long time and having a really good conversation with her. The last time I got to see her I was going through a rough time and she picked me right back up. That's just the kind of person that she was. I miss her. As many people that I've seen die throughout my life, this was the first time I ever actually missed someone. The only one I actually cry for. The first funeral that I ever went to to actually mourn someone. I miss her.

Today I had my first official meeting with my new DM and she's amazing! We went over numbers, results, goals, and expectations and it sounds like she's really gonna be supportive. It's something that I need... I need someone to help me be the leader that I can be and actually follow up on my results... not someone to threaten my job! Crazy! It's definitely different. And exciting! I'm super pumped about what's going to happen in the next fiscal year. She's not taking any excuses from me, which means I can't make any excuses. All I can do is achieve results! And she's actually giving my business back to me and helping me through my challenges as opposed to letting my store feel like the ugly stepchild. It's gonna be a good year =) I'm gonna make this happen!

J and I went to dinner with Letty last night and had such a great night! Sat around watching little kids play in the fountain and just had a grand ole time having good conversation. It was very very nice! Then we went back to the apartment for some baseball, cuddling, and called it a night. I gave him the key to the apartment last night. I figured that since he was staying over anyway and I was gonna be at work when he had to leave and he was gonna take care of Frank for me that he should have access in and out of the apartment. So on my lunch break I brought him coffee, we made breakfast and I took off. J and Frank had some man time together (apparently, man time consists of large poops and peeing several times), and he was outtie. I came home to a nicely made bed and cute little notes everywhere (the toilet, the kitchen counter, the refrigerator!). Freakin hilarious! Last night he told me that he had never dated anyone that he's actually been 100% himself around. Like... uncensored, no BS... and I told him that I felt bad for him that he's had to live this long and have had that many relationships and have been MARRIED and had to give up so much of himself along the way. That really sucks! I can't imagine forcing myself to change so much for a person. Let alone having to sacrifice being myself for someone else. Identity is just one thing that you cannot lose in a relationship. That's just not cool.

Anyhoo... I should probably do some catching up on work stuff =) It's actually a good thing!

September 7, 2009

Mani/Pedi today. Spend a benny at Target. Spent a majority of the day at the mall yesterday. Multiple, actually. Paid bills online. So... my account is officially tapped for excess for the next few days. Looks like dinners at home and happy hours kept to a minimum in the next few weeks. It's okay. Fun stuff can happen on a budget ;)

My belly feels exceptionally large these days. Too much beer and not enough running. The bar-food binge has started up again because I'm with someone with the same passion for alcohol that I do. HAH! That's such an alkie statement I think I shall add it to the book.

I was scrolling through pictures today. Trying to figure out what it is. And it just hit me... like a freakin wall. Oy!

Details divulged at a later date. My brain is fried from all the reading and paper writing for the day. yeesh!

September 6, 2009

I feel like my team has violated my trust. So it's my turn to be a hardass. Reset my expectations of what is and what is not tolerated. It hurts to hear what they have been doing behind my back. I didn't think that they were capable of that. Of thinking those things and of acting that way. I thought that they were mature enough to act the way they were supposed to and to value their jobs. Well... I value my job too and I'm sure as hell not getting fired for the stupid shit that they pull in my store. Here's my billy gruff stomp along with the horns to get your ass in check. It's been very hard not to take it personally. But... they didn't act professionally, so now I have to take the next step to correct it.

So work has me a little stressed out. Now it's the opposite. Coming from my partners as opposed to my boss. WTF?!?!?! This is ridiculous.

Dogsitting was fun this weekend! The frankster's got himself a new girlfriend and a new best friend. It's freakin adorable when they follow each other around! AWWWW!!!! I have a vid of J playing with Jake & Zoe and it's the freakin cutest thing ever!

Other than that.... I've been finding myself missing J when we're apart. A full day apart and we're practically ripping each others' clothes off as soon as we see each other. It's a little crazy. But I'm lovin it! I'm still feelin for boundaries but can't find any. It's all systems go with the two of us. Complete trust. Complete honesty and openness. Like what I have with Brian. To have found that again has been amazing!

Other than that... it's life as usual. I signed up for an HR Block class that runs on Tu/Thu evenings so no more wing nights for mar unless it's late night happy hour. Todd asked me the other night why I haven't been calling or texting and I got lucky and Joe stepped right in between us. I'm such a chicken. But what are you gonna do? I didn't wanna ruin the bar! Here's to hoping that I didn't.

September 3, 2009

So. I'm super motivated to be on my new team. I'm actually CHALLENGED instead of threatened. It feels good to be a part of a leadership TEAM again as opposed to trying to stay afloat and gasping for air. We had our Via Launch this afternoon and I am super duper PUMPED! We're out for that money... my team can do it! If there's something I've learned about my team... it's that we can do anything we put our minds to. I just need to give them the motivation to do it. To LEAD them!

I still need to talk to trixie about taking that class =) Guess we'll see what happens, right?

Anyhoo... waiting for J to get out of class so we can get cupcakes. I've had way too much caffeine today and my teeth are starting to tingle <3 Needs stimulation.

September 1, 2009

I had a meeting with Trixie, my new DM today. She sounds amazing. Like she's actually gonna be able to support us. She understands the situation with my store. She has an open mind. She's willing to tailor things to our store. Sounds good =) Very very very good! I'm glad to finally have a leader that will help me lead my store and is interested in my development as opposed to hindering it. So. Here I go... trying to make the best of this situation. I know I can perform. I just needed a push in the right direction.

Had a chance to spend some time with Aunt Jane last night while J was studying. It was good stuff. J and I had a heart to heart before we went to bed and I'm a lot less scared than I was. It's comforting to know exactly where we both are, and that we both communicate to each other exactly how we're feeling. I tell him about all the insecurities. He helps me through them, and vice versa. It's a good thing. Nice to see things progress. We're on our way to exactly where you're thinking. And.... I'm not scared anymore =)

August 31, 2009

Things feel really good right now. Just in life in general. I have school under control. My love life is slowly but surely getting back to where I like it to be. Work gets better everyday. I'm learning from my mistakes and making a conscious effort to watch what I say and what I do. I need to be more professional, don't I?

Things with J are good. We need to talk about Florida tonight. There's somethin brewin and it sounds like it could be a good thing. Keeping my fingers crossed that it's what I think it's going to be. But I guess we'll have to wait and see what kind of stuff is gonna happen. See where he wants to take his career and how flight school goes before then. Like I said... play it by ear and just hope for the best. Good times for now, tho. And I think I'm really starting to develop feelings for him. It's a good thing, yes?

Amber and Megs are gonna be here for the final Pads series. I'm excited! But turns out that its the weekend that I'm moving and Tracy will be out of town. No sleep for the mar that weekend, I suppose. It's okay. Totally worthit to have actual Padres fans by my side =) J doesn't count in those matters.

And Kelsey convinced me to stay in Phoenix for the season opener for the Chargers. Should be good times!

Anyhoo... I should get crackin on that conclusion so I can meet J for a late dinner =) Yeah... things are gooood <3!

August 30, 2009

Tuned in to my UL station on Pandora and the first song that came up was "Cailin." Loverface. I love my Pandora! Sitting here in mesa @ the Power&Broadway SBUX. J to my left. Latte on my right. And trying to finish my paper and failing miserably. Created a Dean Martin station and the first song that came on was "Ain't that a Kick in the Head." Loverface.

Spilled some crazy in an email earlier about the Nick thing to J. He responded the way I didn't expect... didn't run. Didn't argue. Just ingested, regurgitated and responded. A very very good response too. Very understanding and then he spilled some of the crazy himself. Good stuff. We're a lot more alike than I originally thought. This is a very very very good thing. No longer fighting it... just taking it in and letting God do his thing. I trust what will happen.... it wasn't a coincidence that things fell into place right when they did.

Gave Steven my number today. He mentioned that he was up for football and Buffalo whenever we were there. Just to call and if he was off of work that he would be down. So. I did it. And we started talking about catching a Coyotes game so he can teach me about hockey. Is that weird if I start hanging out with Kelsey's brother? Hrmmmmmm..... something to think about, I suppose.

Todd called today. Hm. That's a whole nother issue and I should really get back to my paper. Loverface.

August 29, 2009

"Let's never stop falling in love" randomly played today in the store. So I hit repeat a couple of times. I'm not really sure why. But that song still tugs at my heart strings. I honestly don't know how I'm ever gonna let go of this thing. I just wish we had a proper ending fitting for all the wonderful that it was. Granted, it was such a short lived thing... but still. I cried my eyes out for him. Fully gave him my heart and trusted him to keep it safe. NADA. But I got ditched. Whatever. I'm still upset. Still bitter. Still pining every now and then. The relapse was a very very very bad thing. I still don't know how to talk to J about it. I brought it up the other night but didn't have the cajones to tell him AAALLLLL about it.

Things with J... getting a bit scary. He uses the word "love" a lot. Not like directly to me... but things like "i love your kisses" or "making love" .... along those lines. And it freaks me out. I don't want to say "thank you" but I'm not even close to getting there. He said he's developing feelings. You know where that ends up. UGH. Make it stop. I want it to stop, but it feels so good to be with him that I don't. So. Confused.

I got a call from Trixie today. She's my new DM! WOoT WOOT! I finally have a DM that will actually know how to do her job! YES! Maybe she can actually help me figure out how to get my store out of the hole! Answer questions and return my calls! I'm super excited. I know she's a hardass.... but I'll take that over a shlep anyday! I'm a little nervous... but I hope she'll take my "incompetence" as just lack of direction from previous leadership than anything.

I should really get started on my paper. J is running about an hour late, so no excuses!

August 27, 2009

It just feels so natural. Nothing is forced. I can be completely myself with him. Show him all of my insecurities and he actually listens and helps me through them. But not in a selfish kind of way... just talks me through to figure out a solution. That's how it should be, right? Frank LOVES him. They like their man time together. And everything just fits in all the right nooks and crevices. Yesterday we went to go look at apartments together and we seriously had a very productive day.

Last night we had another long talk about where this is going. What we're going to do, and just not really planning ahead... but just trying to figure out where our boundaries and limits are. And where this could possibly be headed. It seems like we're both aiming for the same goal... we just have to take our separate paths there. But just because we're on separate bridges, it doesn't mean we're not gonna end up in the same place, right? So we play it by ear. The goals are the same... but the means to get there are what's up in the air.

I like him a lot. We've spent everyday together. We just figure it out despite our crazy schedules and heavy workloads. But it doesn't feel like a lot of effort. It shouldn't. It doesn't. I'm happy to do it. Because I know it will make him happy.

Geez. So sappy. But really.... this could really be going somewhere special.

Then there's Bryan. Amazing. Funny. Intelligent. Hot. Bryan. The chemistry is definitely there. But.... I dunno. I want to see where things with J go.

And p.s. Todd came to see me the day he flew in. Dude. Lookin good as ever. Being a sweetheart... the one I started to get a crush on. Not the one I had drinks with. But... I dunno. Haven't heard from him since. Maybe he heard through the grapevine about kissyface last Thursday. Hrmm... I need to get a grip on this. The single me is starting to freak out.

August 24, 2009

I remember how expensive it is to be in a couple. Not that we're an official couple... although last night it did slip that I was gonna stop seeing other people. After this morning, I don't know how smart that last statement was. I still like Todd. And seeing him this morning reminded me why. And then there's Bryan. UGH. Mar needs to lay off the relationships. Mom was right.

But I'm getting a little too ahead of myself again. It has only been 3 weeks. But the time we spend together has been absolutely amazing and I can't wait to see him again. He started school on Saturday and so far it hasn't been as time consuming as we originally thought. BUT... he is still here in the same state. We'll see how the Florida thing works out. I just don't want to miss out on an opportunity. But... cart before the horse again. I need to stop.

It just feels so NATURAL. Like... he gets all the stupid little crazy quirks. I don't have to explain it. He just gets it. He actually thought the drooling was hilarious. The snoring he dubbed as "cute." But we'll see how long that lasts, eh?

Lately, I find myself using him as a crutch. And missing Nick. I think I'm just trying to psych myself out of liking J as much as I do already.

August 23, 2009

I can't believe Brian is 28 today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEST FRIEND! Seriously? I still remember his 21st birthday! With the brown cord Abercrombie jacket ^_^

SO. Last night. Good stuff. That's all I'm gonna say. Because Dumb&Dumber is an awesome movie and the Frankster was nowhere near where he normally is. I guess kids really do get in the way! LOL! But yeah. yeah. Double digits. feck me.

I really like him. Yesterday I was at work just thinking... trying to mentally distance myself from him. Because it's something I have to do so I don't get hurt tooo bad when he leaves for his internship. Found out last night he can't take passengers up, but he wants to rent a plane so we could get some practice flights up. But dude... that gets expensive FAST. I still don't know where he's getting his money. He had his severance package, but that's like a year ago. I know he's been actively dating. And spending money. And school is expensive. And his mortgage is still hitting his savings. Dude. I dunno. I'm confused. But yes... at like 5:30 yesterday I was trying to talk myself out of it. And it hit me...

I've been slackin on school the past 3 weeks. Been slackin on work. Been slackin on everything else in life because I'm so distracted. So. Maybe the long distance thing will be good. I can focus on school. I can focus on work. Getting my life together. Figuring out what to do in the meanwhile. And if it works, then it works. If it doesn't, then that just sucks. He's a great guy. But when we had our talk the other night, we both came to the conclusion that we're both looking for something good, but nothing too serious. We both just got out of marriages very recently, so the whole marriage thing is something that if this works out, will be something that we're gonna keep on the back burner for a long while. Neither of us are ready for that. But honestly, neither of us thought that this would be that great either. But look what it's turned into.

oh well. I should really get to the gym. My beer belly is getting out of control.

August 22, 2009

Anyhooo.... Tuesday night dinner was A.MA.ZING!!! J decided he wanted to cook dinner for me one night and tuesday just happened to work out perfectly. So after work, I packed up me and the Frankster and headed over to Mesa. He made rosemary chicked w/ apple stuffing, and parmesan crusted asparagus wrapped in prosciutto. DELICIOUS! The chicken was perfect! A man that can actually cook... my girls are gaga over him at this point. Then another evening of watching Weeds and baseball w/ the Frankster all cuddled up in between us. Wednesday evening I decided to surprise him by kidnapping him for sushi and cupcakes. I asked him to call me the second that he left the gym, then swooped him up, got ready and off to Snottsdale we went. Too bad the sushi wasn't great and Sprinkles was closed... so we just ended up at the Yardhouse watching baseball and having a grand ole time with the menu. Talking alcohol with someone has never been so satisfying ^_^

Thursday we did wing night and he was introduced to BWW... so baby steps from here... a couple of the servers saw us holding hands, so I'm sure word will get to T soon enough about the rendezvous. Anyhoo... I had a really bad morning that day. Didn't get up for work on time. Ofcourse the one day I was off my game was the day that it had to be busier than usual. And a conference call was scheduled. So. J knew. And his solution? EMMHK. WTH?!?!?! Turns out, EMMHK was the Emergency Make Mar Happy Kit. Which include red gerber daisies (had to make quite a drive to retrieve), a big bottle of jagermeister, and a carne asada burrito. SO THOUGHTFUL! Oh man. This one is really testing me.

We had a pretty long talk about our little situation last night. He basically told me that he stopped seeing other people because his focus needs to be on flight school, and the only one he wants to see is me. I told him that I'm still seeing other people, but I really do like him. That I'm freaked out about how much I like him. That the mar doesn't do long distance. That I'm still waiting for a dealbreaker. Basically, that I really need to think about it. We're both in transitional periods in our lives and it's going in opposite directions. The end goal is the same, but the way there is pretty uncertain. Bad timing for a perfect pair, in a nutshell. It dawned on me this morning that maybe we could make it work. These past few days I've really been slackin on my homework. Time apart could really be a good thing for both of our educations. But then there's the clingy side of me.... and seriously... the attached-at-the-hip thing is a mar staple. It's my ideal, anyway.

But I guess we'll take it one day at a time. We both like each other as individuals. But we're soooooo good as a pair as well. So. I guess we'll see, right? It kills to know he's leaving in a couple of months tho. =( Sad mar.

August 20, 2009

Been spending tons of time w/ J. Must update on all the wonderfulness (baseball, dindin, painting, etc.). But later. Maybe.

I wonder why you get up so early every morning. Shed some light for me. I'm curious.

August 16, 2009

Rough waters at work lately. Everyone's been getting on each others' nerves. Could be just the hormones. Mine have kicked up the extra crazy lately because I've been working with different people so I'm on a weird cycle. I know a big part of it is everyone slackin and not doing their part and it's irritating the next shift and the personal stuff and the claws are coming out. RAWR! I'm slowly addressing each issue, but dealing with an all female staff requires delicate hands and some real asskicking. The work stuff is getting dealt with. It's the personal stuff that I really need to watch. I drew the line pretty clearly that work is work and play is play. But I think that they think that I'm allowing that line to blur. NOPE! I'll listen to your bitching off the clock, but I'm not bringing that shit to work. If you have a work problem, then address it to me at work. On the clock. Then I'll deal with it. But otherwise, I'm just listening a friend vent about work. I'm not coaching you off the clock. Line has been drawn. Do not cross it. I will kill you.

Rain delay in the 6th and we're up by a run! WOOOO! The longer the delay the happier I am. The Cards have been reciprocating after each of our innings. So... the less we play the better off my boys are! Tomorrow we start a week-long stint at home. So the more wins we can gather on the road the better.

T has been trying extra hard lately. Go figure it would be right when I start seeing someone else, right? I'm not quite ready to let go quite yet. I still like him. Maybe he would be more fun in a different setting? I was still kinda tired that night from waiting for him. He needs to try harder if he actually likes me. I dunno. Whatever. My life shouldn't be this much drama.

August 15, 2009

It feels a bit like a weekly recap. Well... Monday night w/ J was AMAZING!! We met downtown at Jacksons and had a few beers. Then trekked over to Chase to watch MetsvsDbacks. It was a good time! We were pretty hammered at the park and really just did a lot of BSing and talking crap. Honestly, we didn't make very much progress of getting to know each other while we were at the game. But afterwards we decided to check out Majerles downtown. It was closed. SURPRISE SURPRISE! I think we've just about given up on downtown. So we decided to go to a hotel bar because we saw a bunch of Mets fans going in. Hunkered down, ordered a few Fatties, some nachos, and had a great laugh just getting to know each other. I didn't want to leave. I was having waaaaay too much fun talking to him. So we decide to cut out and take a stroll through downtown. Danced with statues. Hung out with the Pope. Took pictures of Palm trees. Had a very long discussion about angry lego-men in the gravel. I lost my BP hat =( SAAAD!!!!! It was an amazing night! <3!! And I dropped him off at his car and we parted ways.

Tuesday came around and I was off of work early (it happens when you start work at 4am!) Aunt Jane (his aunt!) told him to invite me over for dinner, so I obliged and drove out to freakin waaaaay out east in Mesa! Freakin 40 minute drive, but totally worthit! The three of us hung out, watched the first half of Season 1 of Weeds (I'm addicted!) and I left at a comfy 1:30am. He's nice to cuddle to because he's a freakin GIANT!

Wednesday was catch up day. For the both of us. He's got a TON of studying to do for all of his licensing exams at the end of the month and I just have a crapload of work to finish. And homework that I should keep up on and discussions that need to be posted. Monday, we decided that we would have a date-night on Friday because it would be the next time that the both of us would be free. Didn't plan on Tuesday happening. We had to be responsible on Wednesday, but Thursday he came over to Julianne's place to help us paint! AW! Cute! He drove that far to help the girls with hard labor. But honestly... that was the best thing ever because if he wasn't there... we would have been there FOREVER longer! So we painted. Then we went to get carne asada burritos because he had never had one before! CRAZY! Had a nice long conversation about our divorces and he took off around 2:30. (Getting later and later!)

Friday night was LAvsAZ! Crazy game, I tell ya! CRAZY! Soooo many Dodgers fans it was disgusting! It was a good time! Screaming like a crazy person is always good. Just be glad that I didn't get shot! hahhahahah! The beer lady recognized us from Monday night! Good times ^_^ Why do alcohol servers always remember me? Then we drove out to the airport to watch the planes... then parted ways. He's out in the mountains this weekend and doesn't have reception and I hate to admit it, but I actually miss him! UgHHHHH!

I really don't want to like him. Once he starts school it's gonna be intense. He's leaving for 3 months for Florida. Then who knows where he'll end up from there. I just don't want to get attached and get left behind. I don't want to do long distance. That shit never works out. And he's a pilot. And we all know the stigma about pilots. And... I don't know. I just don't want to like him as much as I do because I don't feel like getting my heart broken again. That last blow to the heart still hurts like a bitch. I'm not ready for another one. But I don't want to close this door either because he's so AMAZING and he gets me and... I don't know. We're just really really really good together. I don't want that to be taken away. And I don't want to give up my life to follow him either. I've done that before, and even tho it worked out to my advantage in the end... it was a crazy journey and I don't want to start from square one again.

I sent him an email about the whole commitment-phobia-self-destruction thing. So we'll talk about it when he's back in town, I guess. We're supposed to have date night tomorrow night when he gets back. So we'll talk about my mental issues then I guess.

August 9, 2009

I had all intentions to post earlier, but got distracted by grocery shopping and Frank. Then J called and I completely lost track of time. Whoops. It happens, I guess.

Last night at westgate... was EH. It wasn't so much the company... I was just tired and beat down and all I wanted to do was be at the pool with J and continue our adventures. Clingy, huh? Already. That's probably not good. But it just wasn't my scene at the time. Awkward moments with Cindy, and that never happens! I dunno. It was weird. Felt weird. But... going out is going out, I suppose.

I'm distracting myself from my paper. I know I just need to buckle down and get it over with already. Knock it out in a couple of hours. But... whatevs. I dunno. I just have no motivation lately. I think I should start taking breaks between courses. Because this is just reeeedunkk. I'm not in student mode anymore and it kills!

Plus, the lack of sleep also translates to a lack of motivation. I have a full day off tomorrow that I fully intend to use to catch up on my slacking (school, work, bills, frank, cleaning, etc). Then plans are in place to meet w/ J @ 5 for pre-partying and the Mets vs Dbacks game. GO METS! hahahahah! It's a long list of stuff to do, so hopefully I can keep myself disciplined enough to get it all done. I really need to stop wasting time doing nothing =(

And with that said... time to hunker down and get this done!

August 8, 2009

I don't think I've slept for more than 4 hours in the past week and a half. It's starting to take it's toll. So is the beer. YIKES! I need to get on it. My fridge was empty except for liquids for a solid minute there.. and went grocery shopping the other day and managed to eat through most of it already. Mostly veggies, so it's a good thing =)

Lots has happened, lemme tell you now. Sooooo... after our little conversation on Tuesday, Jon and I decided to have lunch on Wednesday. Such a good time! I can talk to him for hours and not get bored. Sounds familiar, right? Then drinks with Todd on Wed night. We met around 7:45 and didn't leave the bar til after 11:30. It was good talking to him... but it seems like all we really have is serious conversation. It's not as fun as I would really like it to be. Pleasant, would be the word. Thursday was girls night @ BWW and we got Julianne pretty hammered. That was freakin hilarious! Sox&Yankees! WOOOOO! During the course of the night I couldn't stop smiling because of our text convos w/ Jon. We decided to have a play date on Friday and go to the game on Monday. Soo friday we met up downtown trying to find a bar, and NADA! We ended up at HalfMoon at the Biltmore and got there around 4:30ish. Left around 11:30ish! CRAZY! I can't believe I was sitting there LAUGHING for that long!

So here's the scoop... Jon's from Seattle. Previously married. Has his shit together. He's here in Phoenix to go to aviation school and acquire all of his licenses. Then he has a 3 month internship in Florida. Then more school here in Phoenix. The next year for him is gonna be intense, and that's really the only thing that's holding me back. He's gonna be way too busy... but then... if I like him this much already, it could be a really good investment. We'll take it one day at a time. 3rd date on Monday! Hope he makes his move ;)

August 4, 2009

Smitten. Again. Story of my effing life, right? I don't think I've laughed so hard talking to anyone for that long in a very very very very long time! Livers on your pillow smoking a ciggie and giving you the finger. Chocolate covered ovaries. The smell of Jon rage. Beef stroganoff perfume. Chewed up rainbows in the sky because of flying weiner dogs. Drunk off of OE. OMG... this guy is HILARIOUS! Makes me wonder how our first serious conversation would go.

I give up on Todd. He's been kind of a DUD. BLEH. The last thing I need right now is to try to make it work with someone I'm not having fun with. Naaaaaahhhhhh!

My boys have been stepping it up. But Mujica just blew the game =( C'mon bats! Let's get crackin!

August 3, 2009

Okay. If I haven't mentioned how great MesaJon and I click, let me say it again... DUDE. He cracks me up! Oh how fun! He starts school on the 21st. 12 hours a day, 7 days per week! CRAZY! But that gets all of his licensing out of the way in 3 months instead of a year and a half, then he just has to get his 100 flight hours in and he's good to go! Then a 3 month internship w/ Continental Air in Miami and bueno! mar is dating a pilot... whodathunk?

I guess green-shirt-guy from Friday night keeps bugging Ash to get me to come out and play with them. Beer goggle are a horrible, horrible thing, I tell yah. What I saw in him that night, I have no clue. Height? I think? That, and that he ordered a jagerblaster for me. Eh... yeah... that had to be it. A tall guy that orders a jagerblaster for me. LOL... I'm such a sucker!

Still experiencing writers block. Sheeeeesh! The game starts in 5 minutes and I have 2 sentences written. I'm screwed.

August 2, 2009

It's been a strange weekend. Haven't really slept much at all. After Friday shenanigans, I went to work on an hour of sleep. MADNESS! Then 4 hours passed out on the couch last night. And tonight... we'll see if I can get some rest. I wish I could fit some naps in, but no such luck. Want an update? Here goes!

So MesaJon is amazing. He's freakin AWESOME! OMG our brains think exactly alike. We're constantly laughing at each other. He's great! Just lives too damn far. But I dunno... if it works then it works. I really like him tho. Here's hoping he doesn't end up being an asshole. I still don't know what exactly happened with his divorce, so once we open that can of worms, then I'll understand what his deal is.

And the Todd. So... I started to give up on him because he already knows how to get my number. All he had to do was ask. He knew which other servers has my number... I dunno. I thought it was a hopeless cause until Friday night. Sooo... Friday I received my horrible end-of-quarter review. I needed to drink it away. So Julianne and I decided to meet at Majerles to check it out, but the Padres started to catch up from a 6 run deficit and they didn't have the game on, so we trekked across the parking lot to Buffalo. Todd greeted us, asked us if we wanted him to serve and ofcourse we said yes. So he brings me my beer, puts his arm around me and tells Julianne I'm his favorite. We chat. Chuey joins us and Ashley shows up too. So in the heat of the moment, I decide to just write my number on the receipt. He told me that he got lost trying to find my store last weekend, so I told him to just call me if he gets lost. He didn't show. AGAIN. WTF? But we've been texting back and forth. He's a really good guy, but I don't know if we're as compatible as I thought. We'll see as things progress, I guess. We have a standing driving range date whenever I can get a free morning.

So we were gonna leave the bar on Friday but Ashley saw a guy that she thought was cute. I'm on a mission to get her laid so she can just shut up about it already! So we say hello to them and it's good times. They're a bunch of AirForce guys just out and about. They buy a round of shots and you know mar doesn't turn down free alcohol. Todd this whole time is asking why I haven't gone home yet. I just shrugged it off. The guys invite us to another bar and we tell them we'll go. In an attempt to make sure that we go, a couple of the guys hop into my car! WTF?!?! Why do guys always end up in my car?!?! So we get to the bar, learn how to play shuffleboard, drink a little more, and get kicked out at 2:30. We hang out in the parking lot for a little bit and off to home I go! Took a quick nap, got up and took my sleepy ass to work. After work I tried to nap but didn't have much luck. Last night Miguel and I used the floor buffer to clean both of our store's floors and that thing is a BEAST! I'm gonna be buff! LOL! But I'm sore as hell, didn't sleep because we finished so late, and I have to go do Jesse's floors tonight. Todd said I should go see him at the bar. I gave him a solid 'maybe.' I'm beat. Behind on homework, and in desperate need to finish my paper!

It's been quite the weekend. Hopefully I can get some sleep tomorrow night, but no promises =)

I would vent about my review, but I think I've done enough bitching as it is.

July 30, 2009

I've been listening to my myspace playlists. Not angry. Reliving the good feelings. The FEELINGS. Without Nick attached. It feels good. I'm trying to detach the songs from Nick so that I just FEEL what they used to make me feel... not HIM. Not the stuff I used to feel for him. All the dreams he threw away. All the bitterness that I harbored. Slowly melting because these songs were made while in love. So I'm just taking the PERSON out of them. It makes me hopeful. Makes me realize how good I've got it right now.

I gave the server at Cheesecake Ashley's number. She thought he was cute. So why not? She didn't have to cajones to do it. So I might as well, right?

Things are looking up. Know why? Cuz we just won our first series of the month! Sad to think of it that way, but it's been a ROUGH July! Started the month off losing to the Dodgers, followed by a sweep by the Dbacks. WTF. Downhill from there, and Heath blew the ASG. So... yeah. The last time we played the Reds we swept them and went on to a 10-game winning streak. We've beat them 3 games in a row... here's to hoping! Eck is back too! <3!!!

That cheesecake made me feel really good. Fat. But good ^_^ I should get some homework done before I pass out tonight.

yeah. Here I come, productivity!

July 29, 2009

Interesting weekend. Hm. Found myself at the Hilton Tapatio resort yesterday with an over-40 crowd of gay people. How it happened, I'm not so sure. I just knew that I didn't want to spend my day off just with the dog and wasting it not doing something I enjoyed. Yesterday was Letty's birthday. She invited me to hang out with her poolside at the resort with just her, her exGF, her BFF, and another buddy. I decided "why not" and headed right over. So we pool hopped. Talked about life in general. Talked about how hard this year has been for everyone in relationships. Had dinner. Had a great round of Marco-Polo. Floated on our backs watching the sky and how beautiful it was. Saw a shooting star- it's been MONTHS since I've seen one.

It was definitely different. But you know what? I really enjoyed myself. It was nice to be around people that have been there and done that. I think that hanging out with people younger (or less experienced in life) has really prevented me from looking at things from a different perspective. Here I've been.. whining about life and cautioning others because of what I've been through... never really bothering to listen for lessons because it feels like I already know the answer and the consequence. So... being around an older crowd really made me feel accomplished in a sense, but also refreshed. That I can still have more experiences. Still experience hardships and heartbreaks. Still can be over 40 and learning lessons and trying to remain strong. It wasn't discouraging at all- even though right now it might sound like it. I realized that I still have a lot to learn. A LOT. Tolerance, being one thing.

So I met a guy. Jon. I asked him to describe his perfect girl and he says this: a woman that loves to laugh, is sarcastic, enjoys the outdoors, likes getting all dressed up for a night out but prefers her favorite jeans and tank with flip flops. She needs to have her own passions/career or hobbies that drives her. Hm. Sounds about right, right? I like the term "sarcastic." Better than "smartass." Anyhoo... he's a funny guy. We'll see how this progresses.

Daniel text me last night. I don't know how to let him down easy. I just figured that he got the hint when I stopped calling and texting and responding. Just doesn't get it, I guess. So I need to be more clear? I dunno. Bleh.

July 26, 2009

I came home from work this morning and my lappie was FRIED. Well... turns out that my charger was only producing 14V and Quincy needs 19v to charge and operate. Oh well. =P

Last night was dindin with Ash. Kels planned the whole thing, but decided to bail... we were going to ditch out on it too but both decided we really really really needed some good Chinese food. So dindin was really yummy, and made me appreciate girly drinks again <3! I had one called the PF-X (x-rated, mango vodka, and sprite... YUM!). Satisfied my chinese food craving as well as the eggplant craving that I've had for the past 2 months. YIKES! Then shopping at the 2 story Forever 21... of which I only made it through the first floor before they had to close! CRAZY!!!

Retail therapy is something that has helped me through many many crises.... the current one is frustration about Todd being a flaker poo. The other would be the Padres and their HORRIBLE HORRIBLE playing! Holy crap. Thinking about baseball right now really makes me sad and angry and depressed. It feels like we're breaking up =(

Anyhoo... I've immersed myself in the land of Ted, Barney, Marshall&Lily, and Robin. Re-watched Seasons 1 & 2 last week. This week I'm watching Season 4. Then Season 3 next week. =) I can't get enough! <3

Remind me to tell you about "Fireproof" and Jeff ;)

July 24, 2009

I pretty much live on my lappie in my room these days. Except during Padres games, which I watch in the living room on the PC. Those have to be the most productive hours at home, because I wash dishes, get laundry done, clean, read through my mail, and play with Frank. Hm.

I've been cleaning the apartment for a solid hour now. Had to break down the futon/couch so I can figure out what to do with it. It's leaning against the wall in the dining room right now. I'm debating on where to stick it. Because I can't take it to the new house. It's gotta go. Along with the list of things that need to find a new home out of this apartment are: the dining room set, the TV stand, the longer coffee table, half of my closet, excess food in the pantry and the freezer. I have a little over a month and a half to figure it all out. This might take a while.

At least the carpet is clean and fresh again. It takes a lot of extra effort and vacuuming these days because Frank sheds so much. He tracks in SO MUCH DIRT! It's disgusting. ICK. Germ-phobes like myself shouldn't have animals that need to play outdoors. Frank is great and all.... but geeeeez... the upkeep is a bit ridiculous. And my apartment constantly smells like puppy breath. No matter how much I Febreeze and how many air fresheners I plug in. UGH.

So yesterday we went to Buffalo. With David and Cindy. REUNION! Oh it was wonderful! Same banter as before. Catching up over some brewskis and really just hashing it out with friends that are completely honest with you. Sigh of relief that as much as we've grown apart, we can still come together like that. Then those two took off and Ashley and Kelsey joined me. Todd was our server. He was a bit stressed out so we were pretty much neglected =( Lame. I called him out on it. He said he would come and visit me at the store this morning. He never showed up. I'm a bit disappointed. More than a bit, actually. But you know what? EH.

That's been the general attitude towards boys lately. Like... if they really want to do something, then DO something. Woo me. Make me want to go out with you. Mar doesn't need a man without balls. It's not worthit if I have to do all the woo-ing. The less strings I have here in Phoenix, the easier it will be to move away. This whole Todd thing... he has his opportunities. I have pretty much gone as far as I am willing to go. He just needs to take the next step in the pursuit. So we'll wait and see.

I'm freakin tired. I should be at the Shout House with Letty. Or at Cindy's party. But... EH. I'm POOPED. And tomorrow is gonna be another long day. Can't wait til Monday-- my "day off"!

I got approved for a loan today. Enough to get me through the next year for school. Hopefully next year will be easier to get through. So now I don't have to freak out about money. I know it's an additional monthly payment, but you know what? It's for my education. My peace of mind. My sanity. All worthit.

Here's to hoping I'm doing the right thing here. Jon (myspace jerk) just got a job offer today that pays 6 figures. And he looks like Andre Ethier. And he drinks like a fish. And he's a Libra. And I think we would have a really good time together. Make tall, beautiful babies. But. He's a jerk... to me anyways. So.... I dunno. Whatever. I'm just being stupid right now. The fatigue is setting in.

July 22, 2009

So I had a training session with my shifts today at Dysart & Camelback. Guess who shows up as a customer... Todd. Yeah. WTF? Totally threw me off my game. Couldn't speak. Couldn't explain anything. It took all of my self control to not blush. Holy crap. That was horrible. I felt like a little school girl again! I don't think I've felt like this in YEARS. Like... YEARS. The stupid butterflies. Shutting up when he's around. Dude. I feel like a little inexperienced girl! I'm so much better than this around guys. UGH. WTF. I'm very disappointed in me.

Oh well. What are you gonna do, I guess? I think I'm gonna ask Chuey if I should just man up and ask him out myself. Gr. It feels so freakin juvenile, but at the same time it feels nice to actually feel like this again. Yeah. I'm gonna ask Chuey. hahahahahh ^_^

Talked to Brian today. That's not really an event. But it was just weird because we didn't talk all day yesterday and it was just weird. That never happens. I think I text him once and that was it. WTH? It's weird because the night before, I was just telling someone that we don't really go a day without talking or texting a conversation. And then it happened yesterday. He was really tired, I guess. And I spent most of the day talking to other people. Which in itself is weird too. Hm. I dunno.

Jeff keeps buggin me to come to Vegas to see him. I told him I'll go when I have money. He said he'll fly me out. Provide food, shelter, and booze. He just wants my company. Not sure if that's translation for "get laid." But that's not happening either. I dunno. I think about our past, then I think about him, and all the feelings I had for him once. And it just doesn't translate to anything physical for me. It never did. So even if he was to sweep me off my feet, I don't think it would happen. The physical attraction and chemistry just isn't there. And that's a big thing for me. =P Oh well. What are you gonna do, right?


I kinda want a nap. I should get my behind to work tho to finish all that stuff I'm supposed to finish. I started getting some work done earlier and I should really go back and finish it all. Yeah. I think that sounds productive. Frank has been out playing for a few hours now, so it should be fine =)

That was such a pathetic post. Shoulda just twittered it.

July 21, 2009

Reminder to self: Eggs expire tomorrow. Boil them. Make egg salad. Yum! And bee-tee-double-you the chicken from last night came out FANTASTIC! I will be having yummy food for the next couple of days. I'm super excited <3!

I'm sitting at Toyota of Avondale... Adam's getting his tires rotated. His brakes serviced. His oil changed. His coolant flushed. His belts checked. His filters changed. I know it's all easy stuff to do. But it's too freakin hot to do all of that myself. And I don't have the tools for it (realized I have standard tools, but I need METRIC. Stupid US not conforming to global standards!). So... I'm just gonna suck it up and I brought him to the dealer. In any case, the money I would have spent in parts alone and dumping all the chemicals would have cost me the same amount that I'm getting parts and labor for. They're having this amazing summer special that I get a bunch of stuff done for under a benny. So. I'm gonna be a lazy bum and just have him pampered. Sucks that the car wash is free but it's sandy and stormy outside. Blech. Oh well. Whatevs. At least the initial grime will be washed off.

I started my day at 4:30 this morning. I didn't want to overwhelm my openers with all of the information for today's "Surprise and Delight" event, so I decided to just go in and help them out with the set up. Then caught up on some of my admin stuff because I haven't had any admin in about a month. So... almost caught up. I'm thinking I should be done with all of it within a week or so. Scheduled a couple of my "Go See" with my shifts. So... all in all I think it's starting to all fall into place. I know I've been kinda freakin out about my job lately. Trying to play catch up with homework. Stressing about stupid crap and just drinking away the stress. But... we all know how productive that is. =) I updated my planner. So I need to just stick to the plan. The to-do list is in the planner instead of lost on my bed somewhere ^_^

I need to start sorting through all of my crap in the next month. We're having a garage sale in about a month and I need to know what will fit in the house and what won't. So... yeah. I know for sure I need to get rid of the futon. And the dining room set. I'm not so sure what I'm going to do with my clothes because I know it all won't fit in my closet. Figure out the crating situation with all the dogs. I don't know if I feel comfortable leaving Frank un-crated when I'm away. But hopefully someone will always be around to watch the dogs. There are 3 adults... so yeah. I need to work on my friendship with Amber. As close as Miguel and I are, sometimes it feels a little awkward with her. But that's because we don't know each other very well... and I was there through the bad stuff with Miguel, so I still kind of have a sour taste in my mouth. Hm. Must resolve. If my friend loves her, then so must I. For the sake of zen in the house. And my little buddy Caysen. I love that kid!

Anyhooo... I really should be working on my paper. I've already wasted half an hour blogging and facebooking and texting. LOL. Tard. There goes the productivity of the day! hahahahah!

July 20, 2009

Today went by super quick. I'm not really sure how it happened, to be honest. One minute I was getting there.. the next I was headed home. Kept myself busy, I guess. But thinking back... I'm not really sure with what. Hm. Guess we'll figure it out, right? In any case... I felt productive. So at least it wasn't at a loss. I have a ton of stuff to do.. but whatever. I'll figure it out and get it all done over the course of the week. =) I have all week... so we'll figure it out =)

Remind me to finish the last of my homework tonight. I'm hella laggin. But so is the rest of my class. And it's not even a real class. It's a BS class that teaches me how to manage my time. Um. I already know how, thank you very much. It's a matter of following through and discipline that I have a problem with.

I'm making jefretti chicken. I don't exactly know what it is. I bought the sauce at World Market and decided I need to start eating all the food in my cupboard before I move out. So it's a spicy, chili/garlic red sauce. Kinda chunky. Smells like... well... like crushed chilis and garlic! LOL! So I stuck it in the slowcooker with some chicken and I'll hope for the best. If anything... it's gotta be good with rice, cheese, and wrapped in a tortilla, right? Any kind of protein is good like that =) I put it all in there an hour ago. Debating on if I should leave it for 6 hours or for 12. Hm. Guess we'll see how long I can stand the smell it leaves. Ick!

Dreading tomorrow. I think I have to make an appearance in the AM. Just because. Then work til my appointment at 7 for Adam. Yeah. That works. I have nothing else planned except Adam's appointment. And Frank at the groomers. Then I have to figure out what to do with the rest of the night. I was thinking BWW. But that might not be a good idea so soon. Let the dust settle before making another appearance.

And this stupid DVX thing on ninjavideo is driving me crazy! I just wanna watch Season 4!!! UGH! Guess I'll have to wait until it comes out on DVD on Sept 29! That's so freakin long from now! But whatevs. Season premiere is on Sept 21st! YAY! Suite-ing up for the Pads game on Sept 15th. Weezer & Blink on Sept 16th! Move in day on the 18th! WOW! September is gonna be NUTS!! SOOOOO excited! I'm dog/house sitting on Labor Day weekend. =)That's exciting too! All this coming up and I'm a little bored out of my mind right now waiting for the Padres game. Hahahahah! I should really not take this down time for granted!

No. Seriously. HW time!!

July 19, 2009

I've developed a bit of a crush on Todd (server Todd). Apparent, right? And I don't know if my actions on Friday night completely screwed my chances. But considering what he's seen me go through in the past year, then maybe it's forgivable? After all... I'm sure he's had very similar nights. Stupid drunk girl. He saw me upchuck. That's just gross. UGH. Goodbye chances with Todd. He started it anyway. LOL! But hopefully Chuey will help a sister out and put in a few good words. =) He's a good guy. We'll see what happens. It just sucks.

So Friday afternoon I decided to run some errands. Got to the store and Ashley was lookin like a hot mess. Her boyfriend wasn't picking up his phone when she calls him and wasn't replying to any text messages. She needed to drink. And she knew I was the person for the job. So I finished my homework, swooped her up and we were on our way to Buffalo. Todd happened to be our server. I shamelessly flirted with him all night. Refused to eat. And a few beers and some shots later, I put my head down. That ended the night. CRAP. That sucks. How weaksauce am I!!!! So a few events that I remember throughout the night... getting Chuey's number. Dropping my gum. Again. And again. Julianne arriving. Asking for Black Eyed Peas. Not watching the Padres game. Being stupid. Saying stupid things. CRAP CRAP CRAP. Stupid drunk girl.

I didn't think I would be there for long. So I didn't see the need to eat. BIG mistake! I only had ramen at like 11 that morning. 12 hours of no eating and 6 hours of drinking. That was a very very very bad combination. I really do know better. But after a few rounds I just don't care anymore. Damnit. So I have some making up to do with Todd, Kelsey and Julianne. I was a jerk. =(

I had a quickie convo with Aaron today. That came out of nowhere. It really was random. He said to call him when I decide to move to the bay so we can move up there together. I told him I already have a roomie, but we can always try to get a house! I'm trying to weasel my way into the company he works for. It's a younger crowd and they always seem to be having tons of fun at work.

Watching the Yankees vs Tigers game. Been watching the Tigers lately because of Todd. Is that sad or is that sad? But they actually do play very well. And it's been very painful to watch the Padres lately. VERY painful. Looks like we could have another man on the DL soon. Awesome =(

July 16, 2009

I thought I had a lot to do today. Apparently not. I knocked out most of it within 30 minutes of waking up. What the heck? I think it's because I'm not doing all the long stuff. Like getting my car aligned. Adam needs a fluid flush. I've been meaning to change out my spark plugs. But all that car stuff is too hot to do today. So I think I'm just gonna make an appointment for during the week. That way I can relax all day with Harry Potter. I really want to go shopping... but I don't know how smart that would be. I really really really need to find shorts for the rest of the summer. But I'm being cheap and lazy. I got my bill from school the other day and I'm kind of starting to freak out about it.

Frank is... well... Frank. I don't know how comfortable I am with leaving him with the sitters. Lea and I made an arrangement that her and the kids would watch Frank for a few hours a day so that they have something to do and I can get some sleep or get stuff done without feeling that guilt of leaving him crated and with nothing to do. But... I don't know. It seems like more of a hassle to deal with scheduling than to just miss out on some rest. Frank needs to get used to the vacuum anyway. The accidents are getting on my nerves tho.

Last night we got CLOBBERED again. Dude. I don't know what's going on with my boys. 11 guys on the DL and we really need to get our shit together. What the heck is going on?!??!?!? Too many injuries and Adrian is waaaay too tired! I think he's trying to beat the franchise record for most consecutive games played ... he's at 296 and the record is 305. So 9 to go and he ties it. But the wear and tear is really apparent. Take a day off buddy.

I think I'm gonna watch one movie before I start the rest of my errands =) Going backwards since I watched HP6 first ^_^ I went to pick up HP4&5 from Kelsey earlier =) Time for HP5!

July 15, 2009

Another night of going to bed at midnight and opening in the morning. Grr. Last night was worse tho... cuz not only did I drink in the evening, but I had to wake up at 3am so that Jeff could get up early enough to walk the dog and get to work on time. Why I volunteered for that job, I have no clue. Tonight was Harry Potter night w/ Kelsey. And I just finished my homework (wooo! and with half an hour to spare!). Tomorrow is my Friday and I'm so freakin excited I just might drink too much tomorrow again.

I couldn't stop thinking of Todd all day. I don't really know why. I think it's because a part of me is upset that he shut down so quickly. I almost drove over there after the movie to just drop off my number. But... I'm still kind of a little old fashioned and I think he should ask for it himself. He came close that one night... but we called it an early night and took off before he could actually say something. I have to admit that it's really his lips that I can't get off my mind. I've never been into lips before. Arms. Butt. Shoulders. Eyes. Jawline. Hair (or lack thereof). Never lips. But his... I dunno. I can't shake it. And like... I'm imagining scenarios... like what if we ever do become something... I would tell him about the first time he was our server. The time he saw Nick and I making out in the parking lot (and that it was our first time exchanging iloveyous). All of those times that he was our server. Even during Spring Training when EBear, Bri & Oso were here. And then the time right after I asked Pane for a divorce and we had dinner there with Pedro and I was miserable. He has seen me through 3 relationships. WEIRD.

We had a conversation about beer last night. How he almost made it into the Century club... which would be to taste at least 100 of the 150+ beers they had available at some place in Detroit he worked at. And how he's been golfing in the morning because he's trying to actually win the tourney that he's having at the family reunion. Dude. Aside from the blond hair and the lack of shoulders... I could actually see something happening between us. But... I'm getting entirely too far ahead of myself. So. Let's just keep it at my little crush, shall we? Whatever God intends to happen will happen.

I am EXHAUSTED. Time for bed! Good night world. -_-

July 14, 2009

So disappointed in the NL. Dude. Seriously? 13 years? Crapola. But when I saw the line up and considering the most recent performance of the majority of the players that were there... I was very surprised that we even kept up. Oh well... What are you gonna do. Just keep the faith, right? I'm a fan. That's what we do.

LOL! My status on myspace is "I need to meed the love of my life already" and Jeff just text me "I'm right here. You've already met me." CUTE. I miss that guy sometimes. I'm thinking of just heading up to Vegas and hang out. Not really to party. Just to be there with him. We never really resolved our little affair that we had going. One of us was always attached. And then there was that one night... <3. Nothing happened. But we finally had our first kiss that night and he ordered me a jager on the rocks. Oh memories. I can't believe we've known each other for 14 years. 14 years of unrequited something or other. LOL. I'm not really sure what's going on there. I just know he still gives me butterflies.

Todd was our server today. Weird thing. He was hovering up until I asked Robbie about the new manager for Kelsey. I think he was under the impression that I was the one with the crush. He was kinda different after that. A bit disappointing, but we'll see if Cindy clears it up with Joe. Um. Kinda hoping that it does. Because after today I'm really considering it. He's a sweet guy. We have the same sense of humor. I dunno. Guess we'll see what God has planned for me. =)

I'm tired. It's been a long day. Long night. Long week. I really need to be held. Like, REALLY. Geez. Longest dry spell ever. I don't need to get laid. I just need to cuddle. I need someone to take this anxiety away. I remember the feeling that I got when Nick came home to me. No matter how crappy my day was, him walking through the door and giving me a hug took ALLLLL of my stress away and I could take on the world again. I miss that. I miss that comfort. I need that again.

July 13, 2009

So I kinda dissed Daniel last night. I haven't talked to him since our little dinner on Wednesday night, but things have been kind of crazy. SoOOooOOOOOoo... I dunno. I just have no interest. Not even as friends. Don't really know how to let him down except to avoid calls. Eh. He's a big boy. He'll get over it. But there goes another tally in the "girls are evil" column. Oh well.

I really should be working on my paper so I can get to bed early tonight. But here I am. Killing time posting and killing time on facebook. Waiting for the HR Derby to start <3! Spent a few minutes playing with Frank outside in the freakin triple digit heat. Lingered a bit at work. And now... just filling in space to avoid that word doc. Eeeeeee.

I'm gaining weight again. After I finally started to shed pounds, it's coming back. Blame the excessive beer drinking last week. Or it could be my period coming back? I'm not too sure. It freaked me out about the whole not-getting-a-period thing. Today the thought crossed my mind that what if I can't get pregnant? Crap. Way to go, genius. Okay. I should get to work. If I start talking about my stupid birth control I'm gonna start on that Nick thing again. And I know that's the last thing we all want to hear. UGH.

July 12, 2009

I can't believe I freakin missed that I had a paper due tomorrow. CRAP. I waited aaaaallll day to get started on homework, too =( Well... to be fair... after work I watched the game. Then I cleaned the apartment (hooray for a scrubbed down bathroom! baths are fun!). And finished laundry. And decided to relax for a bit before I got down to homework. I allowed myself 45 minutes (which is pretty generous) to get my posts in and send hate mail to my team members that STILL haven't done their share! I did my part on the FIRST DAY and a week later nobody has responded. WTF. So. School is getting on my nerves right now. BLEH.

This should be an interesting week. I'm thinking of the time constraints. Tomorrow I was supposed to catch up on more paperwork that I'm laggin on at work. Then watch the HR Derby (WEEEEE!!!!), get to bed AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE and rev up for the next few days. Tuesday I was going to take Adam to get his fluids flushed and get aligned, but I just realized that that's the ALL STAR GAME!!!! And it starts at 5pm. And Kels and I made plans already. So sorry adam! Then we're going to the MIDNIGHT showing of Harry Potter 6 (cuz she's a big nerd like that ^_^) Keep in mind that I'm opening ALL WEEK except for Sunday. Laaaaame! So yeah. Damnit I'm gonna be tired! Then there's no baseball until Thursday. So that gives me Wednesday to either just REST or get ahead in school. Haven't really decided which one I want to do. Guess we'll wing it until then.

I have Sunday off and Saturday I'm done at 1:15. Ooh. Quickie trip to SD? It's visor day on Sunday ^_^ LOL! It's the cooperstown one too! I WANT ONE!!!

July 11, 2009

So. I just spent the last 3 hours chatting with erik. We're such retards. Spent quite a long time doing a scavenger hunt trying to figure out when the first time we hung out was. And stumbled across the first time we drank together. HOLY CRAP. But yes... the record shows that the first time we hung out was not alcohol related (mainly because i was still underage!). But we did get carne asada chips! LOL! See buddy? Our friendship still sticks to its roots! We should reactivate our AA accounts! 52 gov room. Rektmonkee! hahahahhaha! we are awesome. Blog high five! If anyone is interested, I actually posted the whole stupid conversation on blogspot =P

I should really get to bed. Been up for 19 hours on 5 hours of sleep and have work in another 6 hours. WOOPEEEEEEeeeeEeEEeEEEee!!!!! But I went to a whore. She said my life's a bore. Sometimes I give myself the creeps. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. It all keeps adding up. I think I'm cracking up. Am I just paranoid. I think so. I went to a shrink to analyze my dreams.... ^_^ DOOKIE!

July 10, 2009

I've been feeling like crap for the past few days. I'm thinking that it was a mild case of food poisoning? Nothing wants to stay down. It comes either back up or back out the other end. I'm not a happy camper! =( I don't really know if it was because I haven't been eating lately because of Frank then all of a sudden I was drinking more beer and eating greasy pizza again. I'm not really sure. But there's been a lot of beer drinking lately and a lot of pizza eating lately. So I dunno. Not so sure. All I know is that I've been taking Pepto like a madwoman and it doesn't help at ALL. It just makes my poop black.

So last night we took Mijon out for her birthday. Got her pretty drunk. Made her barf for the first time in her life (because of alcohol). Took her bar hopping for the first time in her life. It was great times! LOL! I miss having the romp around girls night =) Drank too much beer. Ate too much crap. EH. All in good fun. That wasn't as expensive as I thought it would be, so that's always a good thing. YAY!

Yeah. The whole money situation is starting to frustrate me. I don't know where my money is going! Well... most of it went to the Dog, I guess. And San Diego. And what else? I'm not too sure. Mostly for the dog. It's those nights that are supposed to be on a budget and end up being completely out of hand. Bleh. Happens more in Phoenix these days than SD. I don't know how that happens. But I really need to get a hold of the spending. As much as I love Frank... he's been quite expensive =( Oh well. The things you do for love, right?

I need to clean my apartment and do laundry. But I'm functioning at like 40% right now from lack of rest and just general fatigue from having this stomach issue. I'm slackin! Can't do that! Not enough time to slack!

July 9, 2009

So for some reason, I had July 2008 up. I'm not too sure why. Maybe I accidentally clicked on it? I dunno. But since I was there, I decided to read what I was up to at this time of year last year. Hm. Interesting stuff, I guess. I'm just remembering, I suppose. I could feel the anger building up and building up and my "love" being completely gone. I also was feenin for China again. And will you look at that... he's back in my life all over again! Hopefully he ditches the girlfriend by the time I move up to the bay. Maybe rekindle whatever we had going? YAY! ^_^ Dude. He was just amazingly hot. yum yum yum yum yum!

Had dinner with Daniel last night. Um. yeah. NO. I thought that hanging out would be more chemistry... but last night just put the last nail in the coffin of possibilities with him. Eh. Whatever. At least I tried. I should really stop dating older guys. He's like what... 2 years older? But it makes a huuuuuge difference in the fun factor. I'm just not that mature. Just not that focused on creating a family. I like being young and stupid ^_^

Did I talk about the Nick-pangs lately? And how irritating it's starting to get? I'm just really disappointed in myself. I'm stronger than this and I'm letting it get to me really bad. And I'm irritated at him for not even replying to that pathetic email I sent. At least send a message back that says "Please stop writing." or SOMETHING. Geez. BLEH. Whatever. I'm just sick and tired of being like this. over myself. O. ver. it.

July 8, 2009

so. We got SWEPT. SERIOUSLY?!??!?! Against the Dbacks of all people. SHEESH! I'm pretty PEEVED. Specially since I went all by my lonesome last night and this afternoon. At least I made friends =) You know I'm always good for that! LOL! One in particular asked for the Ds, but he was in his late 30s, early 40s. Ick. My cutoff is 30, thank you very much! LOL! hhahahaha! Brian said it's 21. These days it kinda is. =P But I made buddies with a 7 year old and we actually had a GREAT conversation about our boys! I was very impressed =) He was rattling off stats and talking about games that we watched and everything. This kid watches the Boys as much as I do! I bet if he could read he would be even more amazing!

Anyhoo... internet is back up and running! YAY! And I had Frank groomed yesterday. Figured out my internet. Got it all set up. Got a little tipsy at the park. LOL... I was depressed. Go figger.

OH! Okay. So yesterday I caught Edward Mujica checkin me out. I just thought it was just typical ball player behavior, right? But today everytime I was lookin down into the bullpen, there he was... just watchin me. Kinda creepy, but pretty cool. =) After the game, I kinda lingered to see if he would say anything. I got bupkus until I actually started walking away, turned one last time, and there he was, hollerrrr. HAHAH. Too little too late buddy. He's not really my type, but I bet it would be fun to date a Padre! And in other news, I have a beer girl now. HAHAHAHAH! She's the closest one to the bullpen, so I frequent her stand. And she remembers to always grab the coldest of either Fat Tire or Sam Adams... and to check both fridges. LOL! Cuz she knows she'll get a good tip too ^_^ We shoot the shit... I know her schedule and that she's goin back to school and I'm officially the fan that comes to games by herself. Sad. Hey. Whatever. Mar makes friends ^_^

So... I really think it's gonna take a million years to get over this Nick thing. That's just fanfreakintastic. I find myself holding back a lot. Like... A LOT. You know me. I don't do that. If I find a target, I don't let anything get in the way. I have targets. Just no motivation. Well... I have a lot of motivation... I just really don't have the desire to. =( Damnit Nick. Double You Tee Effff did you do to me?

July 7, 2009

SooOooOOOo.... went to the game last night with Doug. That was good times because I actually went with someone that was right next to me yelling and screaming and being obnoxious. Okay. We weren't being too obnoxious. There were old people and children that were easily offended around us. But that is definitely the first of MANY games we will be attending together. Love Hate with our boys. But it's for the love of baseball. Friday I told him to call out of work so we could go to the "Singles Event" at Chase. LOL! FREE TEQUILA TASTING!!! And it's only $15 for entry and they're good seats! YAY! So yeah. Should be really good times. I'm excited. I kinda wanna go just to go and meet other baseball fans. Just to have someone that's not gonna flake on me like my friends do. It looks like I'm flying solo on Wednesday. LAME. Whatever tho. I have no shame. I'll be rockin my gear and I'll meet friends while I'm there. =)

I've been sitting in my store for the past 2 hours trying to do homework and my group assignment but keep getting distracted. I really just need to go and buy a modem already because this really isn't working for me. =P And I need to get Frank to the groomer today. And ... eh... I have a buttload of stuff to do today and I'm taking my sweet ole time to do it ^_^ It's okay. I'm on "vacation" =P

So I'm re-thinking this whole Bachelors thing. The class that I'm in is just soooooo tedious and stupid! I understand that it's adults coming back to school after years and years and years... but I wish that they could learn BASIC instructions. You would think that professionals would understand how to FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. Not even for assignments... but things like participation points, substantial posts, and very very basic things like not creating new threads for posts or actually replying appropriately. Like... okay... this is not church. As much as I would like to include prayers in my posts and preach about how God has helped me in my every day life and that he provides me with strength... that's not appropriate for a classroom setting. Dude. I don't know. I just don't understand how some people can be so dense. But that's just me being snobby. It kind of feels like my learning is hindered because the idiots in the class have to play catch up with the rest of the kids. BLAHHHH. Whatever. I'm sure it's probably the same in the masters program too. Guess we'll see, right? Hopefully my other classes won't be like this. NO MORE GEs PLEASE!!! That's where you find a majority of the idiots. =P

July 6, 2009

Back in Phoenix. I actually cried on my way back here. I'm not really sure why. I partially blame the hormones. And because I didn't get to say good-bye to my nieces before they left. And my mom didn't see me off this time around. And my dad looked really sad when I left. And ... well... I don't know. I just don't know what I'm doing with my life. Trying to fill a void and I don't really know how much more I can stuff in my life before I go insane. I really just want a few things. But hey... what are you gonna do, right? Cry, I guess.

I'm really bummed about Scott Hairston. =( He was on the favorites list from the first day he became a Padre. DAMNIT! DAMNIT DAMNIT!!!! double you tee effffffff. UHG. Can't write right now. Must eat. And check on the dog. =P I'll update on the trip later.

July 4, 2009

So here I am in San Diego. It's freakin cold right now! But then again... I'm used to the desert. The drive was nice and long. I didn't feel like speeding. My Adam is getting old and I had the AC running so that Frank doesn't die in the heat of the desert. I should really get Adam checked out. One of the belts or the fan is making a funky sound when I start him up. Granted it's only when he first cranks, but still. He needs to go see someone about that noise so mommy can fix him.

My lil sis got us tickets ^_^ I'm super excited about tomorrow! YAY!!!!! But also dreading it. It's the Dodgers and Manny is back =( Lame. But it should still be good times =)

Cindy and the girls are here from Japan! I went to go see them and they're all so BIG! 3, 6, and 7 now! Crazy! Rory still loves me. Annabelle is still weary of me. And Yayay still is the crazy little kid that I remember. I love those girls! And they're the cutest things ever! Richie welcomed me to "the club." hhahahhahahahah! Dude I love my dysfunctional family <3 We're gettin OLD.

Anyhoo... I should really get some rest. It's been a LOOOOONG day!

Monday is with Dougie <3! Tuesday is with the trio (Cindy, Mar & David... reunited for shenanigans! WOOOOOOOOO!). and Wednesday is (i think) with Kelsey. If Kelsey flakes, then I guess I'll go by my lonesome again. hee hee! Or swoop up Daniel and make him ditch work (no one can be that responsible all the time!) I'm freakin excited! I genuinely believe that I haven't been myself because of lack of baseball. It's my outlet. And I have been missing a LOT of games! (Okay. I've missed 5. But still)

July 1, 2009

I'm slowly regaining footing on the whole time management thing. I forgot that it's not as easy without some practice. Frank is acclimating to me and we're finally starting to get into a groove. He has his favorite place to pee and poop and we're both getting used to each others' habits. So it's getting easier. =) YAY!

My first day of "class" was yesterday. I'm not really sure whether or not I satisfied the requirements for posting and participation, but I guess we'll see. I think the class is a big waste of time and money, but whatever. It's something that I have to do. I just need to keep thinking of the end result... and getting my ass out of here! The more I think about it... the more that living in the Bay is the most logical thing for me to do. Yes, it's gonna be expensive. But you know what? It's a stepping stone. It's something that I've wanted to experience. And at least I know people there. And I have a roommate! LOL! Unless by some miracle one of us gets into a serious relationship in the next couple of years. You never know. But hey... it's cheaper with 3, right? Colorado is still definitely an option. But like I said... we'll see where I get a job. Either way, I'll be happy that I get to go out there and live my life. I'm thankful to Pane for taking me out of my loop. The growing pains have really helped me to see what else is out there.

Daniel keeps hinting that he wants to go to one of the games next week. I'm just not so sure I'm comfortable with that yet. But then again... he's more fun in person. The phone conversations just aren't too entertaining. Eh. We'll keep it a text/in-person thing. How does that sound? hahahhahah! Hey... it's worked in other friendships in my life. So why not, right? If we're meant to be friends, then it will happen. If not, no big. Not sticking around here anyway =)

Yesterday Kelsey told me that I haven't been myself since Saturday. I knew that it was the case in my head... I just didn't realize how obvious it was. So I fixed it today. I think it's the lack of baseball coverage. The last game I watched was on FRIDAY!!! Maybe that's why I've been so grumpy too. I need to get my fix to be normal. And yesterday I missed an exciting ninth inning! LAAAAAAME!!!! Cuz of stupid work and stupid cox communications being jerks.

That's another story to come =) I should get home to Frank. He's been such a good little puppy ^_^ All falling into place =) Slowly but surely, right?


Frank pooped outside today ^_^ SoOoOOOo proud of the little guy! He's learning =) Baby steps. I know it's gonna take patience. But you know me... that's what I lack the most these days.

Trying to figure out what to do with my internet. I cancelled it because it's freakin expensive... thinking that I could just keep using it at work. But that was pre-puppy. Now that I have to spend more time at home... I think I'm gonna have to figure out a way to do this again. UGH. The nice part is that because the previous account was in Pane's name... and since I never changed my last name, hopefully I can get away with opening a new account and getting the cheapy internet until I move in with Miguel =) Gotta figure it out somehow. Or I could just take my chances and see if they even disconnect my service. Cracky's got free cable. So hey.. you never know, right?

Anyhoo... I think the reason I was feeling so beat down is because I didn't feel like I accomplished anything today. As busy and hectic as it was today... I felt the stress more than I felt the accomplishments (c'mon... I did a hard set, a schedule, payroll, inventory adjustments, a coffee count, a roasting plant order all at work all on the floor. Then I came home and gave Frank a bath, talked to my counselor about tomorrow and did our pre-walk, and got to hang out with Frank) Sounds like a lot, but in comparison to what else needed to be done today, I felt like I didn't even make a dent in the work that HAD to be done. So I brought it home. Parked myself in front of the monitor to watch baseball, and went at it. Finished 3 weeks of DCRs. Finally wrote out those reviews for the past month. And got another schedule finished. Now I just have to figure out the new brewing method for my store and we're gonna be good to go. Tomorrow I still have all that stuff to do... but not having that paperwork haunting me will be a huge weight off of my back. Tomorrow I have three hours to get to the vet, get to the bank, call my counselor, and finish my homework. And you know what? I'll get it done =) Because I HAVE to. And because I need to not be stressed out before this weekend. And because I need to figure out where my money is going so that I can go to Chicago!

Okay. Frank is starting to cry. I think it's bed time =)

June 29, 2009

So it's only MOnday and I'm freakin EXHAUSTED. I'm not really sure why. I'm sure it's the lack of sleep... err... continuous sleep. The stress from last week. And the anxiety of the upcoming 2 weeks. Yikes. I need to get on it so I don't freak myself out. I start school tomorrow. Have to go to the bank to wrap up a couple of things. Take Frank for a check-up. Then close. Then open the next day. Go to class. Wait. Ugh. I can't do this. I can't think about what I need to do because that's the point where I get super tired. Because I'm thinking about it too much. Like right now... I just finished giving Frank a bath. I thought today was going to be insane. But it turned out just fine and I still have a few extra minutes. =) I think it's because I"m not thinking about all the work that I haven't been doing. That big pile of paperwork waiting for me on my desk. =( I should really just bring it home so I have piece of mind and be able to watch the Padres and get some work done at home. I still have to finish the set up tomorrow night. OY! THere I go again. Okay. This paragraph is getting long. I need to just get up and stop talking about it and just get my butt to work so I can get the order done and over with and have Ashley babysit for me. yeeeeesh. OKay. I'm going. Because I need more caffeine ^_^

I haven't called Daniel in a couple of days. I figure that if I dread calling the guy, then I should really not pursue it anymore.

June 28, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRACKY!!! It's been an event, hasn't it? Dude. Seriously... still young at heart. Still pretty immature. But now we have big kid jobs and have big kid times. Age ain't nothin but a number, homeslice. We still kiiiiiiiids. And crackies for life ^_^ You. Are. legen... wait for it... almost there... here it comes... DARY!

I'm a little worried by Frank. He's such a lazy bum! And I need to take him to puppy obedience school. For the most part he's a good dog. But I need to teach him not to pee on the carpet and to poop when I take him outside. For the most part, he doesn't poop or pee where he sleeps and eats... which is great because he likes to sleep and hang out under the futon in my room and under my favorite chair. Those are both places where it would be very hard to see if he peed there. And as far as pooping... his poo is really smelly, so I can usually get to it before it's too late. I'm getting into the habit of ignoring his cries. I'm gonna start keeping him crated when I sleep because it grosses me out to think of what he tracks into the house. I have to have a clean bed. HAVE TO. and his little paws that have been outside is the furthest thing from clean.

But yeah. He's a bum. Which surprises me because I thought wienerdogs were more active. But it's nice because he's quiet when I need him to be. I just don't know if that's normal or not. But I guess we'll see what happens. It's the two of us getting used to each other and getting to know each other. Just takes time. I know that. And I know it's gonna be tough for the next few weeks. But you know me... I'm greedy and lazy and I just don't want to have to deal with the training part and the getting used to it all part. I like my comfort zone. I like my independence. This is why I need a househusband... so that I can have the fun part and not have to worry about all the cleaning and discipline and bleeeeh.

Oh well... one step closer to spinsterhood, I suppose.

I had a chick-flick-a-thon this morning. Cried my eyes out. Because it reminded me that I'm ALONE. Which is all fine and dandy until I realized that I've had that fairy tale love. Twice. And here I am now. Lost one out of sheer stupidity. The other not by choice. And the fact that both of their pictures are still up... well... between all of that and the hormones stabilizing... I'm not exactly the most emotionally-stable person in the world. Scares the crap out of me.

Surprised that I cried at a chick flick? So am I. That never happens. Ever. Coming off of depoprovera has really screwed up my hormones. I was emotional and cranky and just generally not a very pleasant person to be around these past 3 weeks. But you know what? Hopefully this will help me lose those extra 10 pounds. That... and the dog walking and the focusing on school. I used to consume so many extra calories out of sheer boredom. I had nothing better to do, so I would eat. Sit around, online or watch TV and just get fatter and fatter. Could be the beer too. But hey... taking care of another living thing and actually having other things to do aside from work and drink should be good for my health and my bank account, right? Well... aside from the next two weeks =) Baseball is still the top priority. ^_^

I'm starving. I've had a caramel macchiato, a red bull, and half a head of lettuce all day. But if I eat this late, it's probably not a good thing. I have to open tomorrow morning, so I should really get to bed. Good night world.

June 27, 2009

It's been a crazy couple of days with this dog! At first I thought he was doing well... didn't pee inside.... didn't really cry. He would follow me around and be well behaved. Well... he's getting used to things now. Starting to piddle on the carpet. We start crate training tomorrow. I kept him in the kitchen today and he scratched up the couch. Pooped on the floor and missed the puppy pee pad. It's gonna be a long few weeks!

It's been an adventure. I wish I could put it in more eloquent detail, but after the week I've had.. my brain is fried and I just can't wait until tomorrow! MY ACTUAL DAY OFF!!! And I intend to stay away from work. I'm gonna get coffee at another store. Go to church. Wrap up buying stuff for the puppy (I've already spent close to $200 on this dog!). Give him a bath. Clean up the apartment and hopefully get the stink out of the the two pee spots. Then sit down and have a nice relaxing rest of my Sunday before the next crazy week!

And this next week is gonna be a dooooozy! I scheduled myself for 2 clopens. Then I'm driving home on Friday for the Dodgers vs Padres series. Then back here for a 3 game series with the Dbacks. I start school on Tuesday which means I will probably be spending more time at work because my internet scrip is over on the 30th. I have a pre-walk w/ my counselor scheduled on Monday. A walk through on Tuesday. And a puppy to train. I think I've gotten a little bit over my head here.

You know what tho? TOTALLY WORTHIT. I just need to get some rest tomorrow... recharge for the next few days of madness and tackle these tasks head on. I have to. Because if I don't figure out what I'm doing soon.... I'm not gonna get to take that trip to Chicago in August. And you know what? That's just not an option.

June 26, 2009

huh. really? It's been that long since the last update? I think it's because I've been so frustrated at work lately that I don't want to hash it out again. I'm tired of bitchin about it because it makes my blood boil and I want to scream and my heart races because I re-live how livid I've been. Ooh. The mar has not been happy at work this week. Yikes. It's been bad.

So... one last time... for archive's sake. In a nutshell... I've been working my ass off this week trying to set my store up for success because it was going to be the ONE time this year that the big bosses were going to come to my store. So ofcourse I had to be on point. My partners had to be on point. So I worked an 8 hour day on my day off. Then stayed and lingered an extra 4 hours after my 8 hour 4am shift the day after. FOR NOTHING. Let me emphasize that I was promised a visit. And NOTHING. But you can bet that they made sure that I stayed in my store after I was off work. My closer was sick that day. And no one else could cover. Had they told me ahead of time that they wouldn't be able to make it to my store (I was the 4th stop of a 6 hour tour, and they spent the first 4 1/2 hours of that shift at the FIRST store! They could have told me that they wouldn't make it to mine!)... anyhoo... if I had been notified... I could have gone home, taken a nap, and closed so that I wouldn't have a sick person on the floor and the morale of my partners would stay high! But now I'm pissed. So they are too. And then yesterday after a long day, and a long night I had to stay an extra half hour at work because one of my partners wouldn't pick up his phone because he was having a fight with his girlfriend who also works at my store. LIV.ID. UGH. I'm glad I walked out. Because I would have fired him if I stayed an extra 5 minutes. So. I'm overworked. It's only friday and I still have a full 8 hour shift tomorrow and I've already worked 48.5 hours this week. Please shoot me.

So that's it in a nutshell. Not to mention I started one of my workshops for school on Wednesday. I start my first class on Tuesday. And today I adopted a puppy! Dude. Full plate here.

Anyhoo... yesterday morning when I opened with Kelsey, she told me about a little puppy she saw in the middle of the street. She didn't pick it up, but she felt so sad for it! So today Amanda's hubby Mike came in and started talking about a puppy he found while he was out walking the dogs. Same puppy! So Mike can't keep it because they have too many animals in the house already. Kelsey wanted to keep it but her mum said 'no' and her dog Daisy would probably eat it. So I said I would take him in! I'm gonna name him Frank. As in Furter. HAHAHAHAHAHHAH! Frankfurter. I'm trying to read up on the breed cuz a wienerdog was the last thing I thought I would ever end up with. But hey... God provides =)

I talked to Daniel for 3 hours last night. Holy crap that was a freakin long conversation. I don't even know about what. A lot about his Husky. And Pandas. And basketball... I dunno. Passed out at around 1am. Worked at 430 this morning. I'm effing tired. The game starts in an hour so hopefully Mike calls me in the next hour to pick up Frank. And I need to go buy a crate and a doggie bed and doggie food =) Cute!

Other than that... that's the update on life in general. I love my Academic Counselor ^_^ She went to SDSU the same years I went! So we had a lot in common. She's great! I told her to keep on my ass about being diligent about my assignments. You know how paperwork tends to pile up on me. That reminds me... I have to call Mike my enrollment counselor.

OHHH yeaaahahhahahahh!!! Erik and I are going to Chicago on Aug 13-17!!! SOOOOOOOO excited!!!! We're meeting in Vegas and flying up there together. Then renting a car and driving to Detroit for a day. Maybe. We'll see about Detroit. But duuuude. I could get 3 more ball parks done! WOOOOOO! I'm excited. Cautiously excited. I don't know how I'm gonna scrape up the cash... I figure that I just won't go drinking for 2 months and I'll be fine =) We'll see what happens! But this is definitely happening! YAYAYAYAYAYAYYAAYYAYAY!!!

June 23, 2009

So. I had to work this morning to do an observation at one of my previous stores. They're a "seed store" for one of the new programs rolling out in a couple of weeks, so i had to go see the training process and get a visual of what would happen on a day to day basis. This is all good and great for most other stores, but my tiny little store is sort of an exception. Not only would rolling out this program be completely a waste of time, resources, and does not apply to my store in any which way... but dude. WHAT A WASTE. But ofcourse, for the development of my partners, I'm gonna have to teach it. In my own special way ofcourse ;) LOL But I have to reconfigure a bunch of stuff because my store isn't equipped for what's supposed to happen. But we'll make it work. We always do. And if they don't like it... well it works perfect for my store and my partners are trained for if they are supposed to go to a different store, so THERE. No leaks =)

Anyhoo... it's my day off. I've officially been working for 2 hours now which makes it a total of 6 extra hours off the clock for the week, and the week started yesterday. UGH. Oh well. That's life, I suppose. I could put in noncoverage hours in and eat the cost, but I don't want to put my store in a position of being on that chopping board. So long term, this is a much better decision. I knew that coming into this position, so I have to do what needs to be done. I'm in a better position than some other managers, so I have to be thankful that I'm only doing what I'm doing and maintaining. =/ Hopefully this pays off in the end. It better. I'll be pissed if it doesn't. But hey... if that's what God wants to happen, then so be it. =)


Watched "The Proposal" tonight. Talked to Daniel for a bit beforehand. Oggled Ryan Reynolds and marveled at how funny his expressions can be. Oh... mar loves her meatheads <3! That movie made me miss my family and all their insanity. It gets lonely out here. Friends can only fill so much of a void. And even then... =(

I saw a few "friends" from high school/middle school. They came into my store on Sunday morning. WTF?!?! They were visiting a friend in Avondale. WTF?!?!? I think it took us all for a loop! Dude. I haven't hung out with those girls since the summer between 8th grade and freshman year. Then a bit more in sophomore year. But after that... nada. It was weird. Over 10 years later and they walked into MY STORE. WTF?!?! I'm still in awe.

Anyhooo... I should shut up. I've been up since 4am. Goin on 20 hours. WOO! And I have to work at another store in 7 hours. YAY. for. me.

June 22, 2009

Dude. So we're facebook friends now. And he's still amazingly hot. Still amazingly smart. And still perfect on paper. oyyyyy. But I think he has a girlfriend? I'm not too sure. I have yet to ask him. But... that can always change ;) And we're not in the same city right now. Maybe when I'm in NYC he can be my tour guide. Or move back with his fambam <3

I'm getting waaaaay ahead of myself, aren't I? hahahahhah! Here I go again. =P

David, Zach, Kelsey and I have a double date tonight ^_^ Kelsey is my date! hahahahahahah! David and Zach are gonna go make out in the corner because we're making them watch a chick flick ^_^ We're gonna go watch "The Proposal" because I'm still madly in love with Ryan Reynolds. MMmMmmMmMmmMMM.

SoooooOooOoOo... I talked to my financial aid counselor today =( aAaAnd because I'm only a first year student I only qualify for $9K in loans. My income is too high for any grants. LAAAAAAAAMEE!!! So I'm paying $4K out of pocket for classes. Sucks! But at least it's less of a loan that I have to worry about later on in life. But still. Dude. That sucks balls. All the extra money I was supposed to put away for my car or a down payment on a house is now accounted for =( Lame. I put a budget together last night too.... guess that's gonna be void. Lame. Face. So back to the drawing board, I guess =P Sheesh! And here I thought that I was finally getting to where I need to be =P Love you, life.

Anyhoooooo..... sitting on a conference call ready to blow my brains out. BLECH. Are these really necessary? It's kinda stupid. I sit here and most of what is being said is completely irrelevant to my tiny little store. =P Glad it's almost over!


So. Remember China? That I thought was gone from my life forever? The one I really wish I didn't play games with? "Perfect on Paper?" OMG. I found him. Or... actually... he was one of the friend suggestions on Facebook. I didn't think it was him until I clicked on the picture. Then there he was. Same lips I used to kiss. Same hair I used to run my fingers through. Same stance that made me swoon.

So I sent him a message. I feel really bad about the last time we were together. It was about a week before he left for the bay for his new job. I was pretty serious with Pane but Pane was already in Phoenix. So I decided to meet him for drinks. Then we had dinner. It was essentially a date. Dude. I missed out on that one. =( He loved Scrubs (but this was before my obsession with the show). The more I think about him, the more perfect I know he was for me. =( Stupid girl. I was actually talking about him the other day with Jeff. I don't remember how it came up, but it did. And I was telling him how I really wish I was able to get a hold of him, but after he moved he changed his number to a local number. And it was the same time his contract was up with the navy, so his email changed. I never even bothered to call him one last time because I thought I was getting married and that it would all stay behind me. Hm. Guess not.

He was my candy striper. My tall, dark, handsome chinese man. Man he was hot! And after we broke up he got even hotter! Duuuuude. It took a loooooot of self control not to throw myself at him that last time we saw each other. I can't believe our paths are crossing again. Hm. I'm all warm inside <3! Mar's grown up now, Christopher. Let's start all over again <3

June 21, 2009

So David and Audra broke up. It was a while ago, but everyone is just now catching on to it. =( He's a mess. He's a mess like I was a mess. It came out of NOWHERE! WTF?!?!? I'm a little peeved. They were so happy! And it went from "a break" to a break-up. It's been really hard on David. Confusing. Disheartening. He's so in love with her and she's CRUSHING him! Watching those two made me believe in the concept of "Love conquers all" again. But... another one bites the dust. This is just not the year for good couples to make it. So there was Me and Nick. Michele and Ken. And now David and Audra. If Jo and Brian break up, I'm gonna give up on love all together =( Why does this keep happening? It's just STUPID. Who ends a great, problem-free relationship? Inner turmoil will do that to you, I guess. You can't be completely and genuinely happy in your relationship when you're not completely happy with yourself and your own life. It seems to be the theme in all three very abrupt breakups. It's okay. Michele, David and I are a few of the strongest people I know. And the three of us have game ;)

LOL! It had to be said. Because honestly... that helps A LOT! NOthing like a rebound to get your mind off things. And lucky for the three of us, we keep busy schedules and love to socialize after hours =) We will survive, damnit ;)

Tomorrow starts my lets-stop-being-fat diet. Not necessarily a "diet." But I usually eat well and not exercise or I'll eat crappy and be a gym fiend. So... I'm gonna make a conscious effort to actually eat well and exercise =) Cut the grease. Eat more fish. I have my gym plans in my planner so that I HAVE to go by that. =) I know I've been saying for years, but this gut is really getting on my nerves! And I'm not getting any younger. =P

And wine is making me pass out early early early at night! It's because I'm not napping =P


Spent most of the day chatting it up =) I miss days like this. But I think that's why my GPA was below a 3.00 in college =P Blame the chatting. But it was good times =) Daniel taught me how to use the gmail chat. LOL! I'm so freakin lost when it comes to this stuff!

I'm a little sad that I'm almost finished with that bottle of Montgras Cab/Syrah =( It's pretty delicious! Even moreso when you let it breathe for a few hours. YUMMY!

June 20, 2009

As unproductive as yesterday was.... BOY DID IT FEEL WONDERFUL!!!! I did NOTHING yesterday. I slept in until 9:30. Got up, made myself some breakfast (kind of.... it was a salad w/ strip steak and a quesodilla) and plopped myself in front of Quincy to finish the rest of Disc 3 of S3 of HIMYM. Followed by a nap. Then "lunch" which consisted of a cheese&salsa lettuce wrap and ice cream. Then more Quincy and Mar quality time online and then popped in 40-year old Virgin.

I should have done my dishes after I ate. But I didn't. Should have started doing my laundry. But I didn't. Should have taken the trash to the dumpster (it's been sitting next to my front door for a couple of days... GROSS). But I didn't. Should have gotten dressed and grabbed some coffee. NOPE. Should have vacuumed my room. But didn't. Should have wrapped up some of my school stuff and get myself mentally ready for it. Didn't do that either. Should have gone to the gym, or workout to a DVD. But I was too lazy to. Should have taken David out to drink away the pain. But I passed out early (1030ish).

Sounds productive, right? Oh yeah. But I figure that I only have so many lazy days until things get crazy again... that I should really take advantage of it. So I made an effort not to touch the dishes (I rinsed them off so it wouldn't be crusty.. but that's not really effort... that's just being smart!). I intentionally kept my pants off because if I put pants on then I would have gone outside and started being productive. (Yes, I stayed in a shirt and undies locked up inside my apartment all day ^_^)

So today... kitchen's clean. I made food for the next two days. Grocery shopping. Laundry started. Trash is gone (everywhere). Payroll updated. Had my coffee. Fridge is clean. I found $3 in my jeans! I need to make a trip to Sprouts later just to get some greens (and wine for tonight!), and try to finish the day productive =) Game starts at 7:05.... wondering if I should make it to 80s movie night or stay home and watch the game. The crazy side of me tells me to stay home and watch the game. My rookies need me! But the good friend side of me wants to go to movie night. But everyone else is flaking so I dunno. Guess we'll see, right?

Erik and I played with the idea of just skipping through Denver and head straight to NYC b/c his aunt has a rental property in Queens. hmmmm. I brought it up to Kelsey and she advised that I go to visit before I make my decision. =) Guess we'll see for NYE 2011!

June 18, 2009

I'm not gonna lie. If I start drinkin that full glass of wine, I'm not gonna wake up in the morning. I'm okay with it tho. ^_^ Tomorrow is my day off. I had a great day at work. Had a great time at the bar. My boys didn't disappoint. My game feels good. My Mike registered me for classes. <3 !!!! Dude. I'm happy. =) It's been a while.

So... the owners at Buffalo were there tonight. And the boys (Joe, Todd, Chuey, James) made it a point to hang out at our table the majority of the night. I was supposed to be catching up with Cindy and it ended up being a getting-to-know-the-servers kind of night. =) Joe was hassling us for not visiting him in Section Q at the ball game last wednesday. Todd gave us crap for not staying as long as we normally do. Chuey was buggin just cuz. It was cute tho... everytime one would stop by, another would conveniently butt in. =) Cute, I tell yah. Cute. LOL... Brian (the manager we all think is gay)... the first thing he does when he sees us sitting there... pulls up a stool and asks "which games are we watchin and which TV would you like them on?" LOVE IT. We're there like once every other week =) I feel special.

Mike, my counselor at UoP called me today to congratulate me on being officiallly registered as a student!!! My orientation is on Wednesday and I start classes on the 30th! CRAZY!!! And speaking of Mike... soo.....

Okay... let me start off by saying that he's MARRIED. But from our first conversation, it's been just CHEMISTRY. We just have so much in common and we just click on so many levels. It's weird. But a good weird. Like... I really want to get to know him better and meet his wife and be a part of his life. He decided to start calling me "Mars" today. Like... randomly. He normally calls me "maria" and today he started calling me mars. And asks "Is that okay with you? I just feel more comfortable calling you that." And so I told him it sounds a lot better.... less awkward that he call me that than "Maria" because no one ever calls me that! I dunno... there's something about him that I need to be around him. =)

Swarley and the gang are waiting for me. <3 update later? Or just call me. You have the number. USE IT.

June 17, 2009

I was marking syrups this morning and I realized that in a month G is turning 31! 31!!! Duuuuuude. Scary. Little bit.

Speaking of work. I accidentally took a "nap" today when I got home. CRAZY dreams!!!! So the premise of it was that some girl got sick after going to my store, and she totally came after me! So all of these inspectors came to my store to analyze my water, labor practices, and the most random things. For some reason, there was also a party going on in the backyard?!?! And at the party there was a person-wash ... like a car wash but for people! WHOA! And it was very very thorough! And there were fireworks and stuff. Craziness. I dunno. In the end it wasn't our fault. It was whatever she ate. But I dunno. It just kinda freaked me out.

I filled out my app for UoP. All done! Waiting on my award letter from the school to see how much I can pay out of pocket. Waiting for the file for my 08/09 Fafsa. It was weird... cuz I start on June 30th, and since that's technically the last day of the 08/09 school year, I had to fill out a fafsa for that year for the ONE day. I dunno. Go figure. But everything else is done. But now everytime I think of going back to school my tummy starts doing flips!!! I'm so scared to do this online! I'm great at lecture classes but suck at the self-taught stuff =( But I HAVE to do this. Denver in '12! Hopefully get a great job in Manhattan in '16?!??! Dude. I'm excited! Just the thought of the possibilities of everything that can happen is so exciting =) We'll see where life takes me <3

And I'm thinking that the one is probably in Denver somewhere. Doing the same kind of waiting that I am. =)

June 16, 2009

I just can't win with you, can I? Dougie said it. So did David. Kevin was too polite to tell me. But yeah. I know what I need to do. But I'm stupid and scared and too much of a wuss to do it. (BTW, currently at a little over 1Kcals and it's only 10am. damnit) But whatever.

I figured out today who the mysterious 760 was =( Wasn't you. Well... it was YOU. But it wasn't you. Get it? Also by way of perusing figured out where you are these days. That wasn't a good thing to find out. As much as I wanted to. It was a really bad idea to know. But I'm glad you're happy. Or so you say. You're listening to music again ... OUR music. So that must mean that you're over it. Because I know how you are and if you weren't, then you wouldn't be quite there yet. But you are. FML.

I think I've moped longer than we actually lasted. Yep. Officially a loser in my eyes.

You should see this massive bruise I have on my leg from the sleep walking this morning. Yikes! I'm not used to being on that side! Oh well. Whatever.

Erik and I decided that we're moving to Denver when I turn "25." Long story. I miss that crackhead. Can you imagine all of our cracky adventures in a new city?!?!? April.May.ZIIIING!!!! LOL. Those couple of years there would most definitely go under the headline "Best Years of my Life!"

baaaaaahhhhhhhh. I made it all weezer and intentionally kept only 2 songs on there. BAAAAAHHHHHHHH. I hate you for doing this to me!

June 15, 2009

I'm impulsive. I know that. I've never thought of it as a problem because I was always the type that could think that I could remedy anything that went wrong because of my impulsiveness. huh. Not lookin too hot with those remedies these days.

That's the crappy part. I pride myself on being rational and practical and being able to think things through (sometimes OVERthinking things... okay... often times!) So in my head... it's balanced.

I'm soooo wrong, aren't I? That's not balance. That's just being bi-polar. So.... on an impulse (LOL!) I've decided that I need to start disciplining's the practical/rational thing to do! (HAHAHAHHA. dude. if you could only hear the laughter going on in my head you'd be dying too)

But no. Really. I've gotten myself into this much debt because of impulse buys (shopping. alcohol. trips). Gotten myself 25 pounds overweight because of impulsive eating. (cravings will kill me). I'm in this divorcee situation because of it (yeah. good job not thinking that through, genius)

So to remedy this... I really need to start learning how to discipline myself. Keeping myself on a schedule. Not spending so much money. Not giving into my impulsiveness when it comes to going out. Or drinking. Or eating. Or shopping. I need to learn to set limits for myself so that 5 years down the line, my debt isn't doubled and I gain another 25 pounds! I know it sounds crazy to think that it could happen in 5 years, but think about it--- My debt is gonna SOAR because of school. If I don't keep myself in check, I'm gonna not eat at home and eat fast food all the time because of the lack of time and energy. Which... hello 20 more pounds! And because of all of that.... less self-respect which means I'll probably be here in Phoenix for who knows how much longer!!! DUDE. I need to get a great job. Pronto.

SO. Game plan. I've never really been serious about losing weight. Never had an ACTUAL weight goal before because I always thought that I could just lose whatever I needed to lose and be okay. But.... that strategy isn't working so well. So... the goal (and you're my witness!) is to lose 10 pounds by the end of July. Not water-weight. Like actual weight. By the end of August, the goal is a total of 20 pounds. So I need to be at high school weight by the end of August. Think I can do it? I sooooo can. Just watch me. Beer minimum (only at games). Portion control. Snacking control. Sugar control. Exercise (like... actually exercise). There you have it. Mar needs to be at 125 by the end of August.

Mar will also have her second bachelors by the end of August 2011. If not earlier. Which means that Mar needs to have an accounting job by Fall of 2011. I can still make that NYC trip happen for NYE '11.

Mar will have her credit cards paid off by the end of the year. No excuses. I'm tired of making excuses for myself. When it comes down to it, I keep rationalizing purchases that I have no business making. And how I managed to spend $400 because of baseball in a week BAFFLES me. WTF was I thinking?!?!??! And that's just from tickets, food, and beer. That's frickin ridiculous. What I've spent in baseball this year alone could have bought me a very very very nice TV. It could have paid rent for a few months. Dude. I need to get it under control. =( For example... my EL BA just NOW called me to pre-sell for tomorrow's GWP. Um. Do I need anything? Probably not. But knowing me, I'm gonna go home and check, find a reason to buy something, and spend another benny on cosmetics that I really don't need. So. The lesson of the night? DO NOT CALL BACK RENEE!!!!

And I need to stay the heck away from Target!!! My last trip cost me another benny and I only had to buy contacts solution, lotion, conditioner, and a card! WTF is wroooooong with me?!??!?!

Mar is gonna be a better store manager. No more slackin because I think it's BS. They're crackin down on the stupidest things and I need to not be on the chopping block because I didn't read through material that doesn't pertain to my store. =( I know it sucks, but it's something I really need to do and get done! This is my JOB! And if I don't have a job, there's no way I'm gonna be able to make it out here for the next few years. Or complete the rest of my goals, right?

Okay. I really need to sit down and set a budget for myself. And actually STICK to it. No more of this writing down what I might have to spend and then skirting a payment because I went out and spent too much money. Budget needs to include utilities, practical amounts for beer money, gas money, coffee money, and grocery money. I've been doing really well with my groceries, but I know I could do a lot better if I tried harder.

Here goes. Mar's gonna try to grow up a little bit more =) Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it!

June 14, 2009

I knew I was having a bad day the first time I didn't recognize my alarm going off. It just kept going. And going. And going. And I'm not sure if it was such a great dream that I didn't want to end, or that I didn't want the day to start because I knew it wasn't going to be a good one. How my body knew that is beyond me. But it did.

It's the eve of. The eve of the I don't know what's going to happen, but if something does, then that's wonderful, but if not, all my hope just went down the crapper. Hard to believe, but I'm at peace with whichever one occurs.

Sitting in that pew today, I was haunted. His ghost stood next to me. And I couldn't concentrate. My mind kept wandering to things of past and present. Some of it future. HIMYM is really getting to me. Eating me up inside. It's like all the thoughts that have ever run through my head and all the stupid things that I've done and all the stupid things I've said and all the dating that I've done has been wrapped up in that show. All the dreams that I've dreamed has been wrapped up in it too. Crazy. It's driving me kookoo. I should really stop watching, but I just started watching disc 1 of Season 3 and it's gooooood.

Last night Kelsey and I decided to go to the Dbacks game/Lifehouse show. We bought $6 seats and ended up right behind homeplate in the first row. Just scooted over there like we belonged and no one said a thaaang to us ^_^ It was really good times. Filled out another hundred ballots for the ASG and we were good to go! I shoulda gone out with Dougie and his buddies, but I was feeling a bit pooped and I honestly just wanted to kick back with a glass of wine and take a bubble bath.

I saw Kalani at Target today. Kind of. Well... I was walking out and I heard a familiar voice... so I turned to look and it was Chanchan and Kalani. I didn't say anything. For all I know, he still hates my guts for putting Nick through what he went through. He's the best friend. That's his job to hate me (ugh. and reference to the most recent HIMYM ep I just watched!) Anyhoo.... still sad to have lost such good friends. =(

On the upside... I finally have my footing down. Still not all there, but hey... what are you gonna do, right? I'm working on it. But today's relapse doesn't help. =*(

June 13, 2009

Decided to stay in Phoenix. Ash kept picking up shifts and didn't realize that she would be going over 40 hours this week. YIKES!!! So I had to open for her this morning. And yesterday afternoon whilst at work (so I guess it would still have been morning) Julianne text me to see if I wanted the other 2 tickets to last night's Astros game. When do you know me to turn down free tickets to a ball game?!?!

So I went. Sent out a massive text that whoever text me back first would come with me to the game (Julianne had 4 tickets and it was just her and the hubs). Kevin won. So I took him =) It was pretty good times. Julianne and Randy didn't want to steal seats with us, so they stayed up in the nosebleed seats. We stole seats in bullpen reserve and had 2 homeruns hit right at us!!! Crazy!

You'd think that it would be awkward just Kevin and I at the game, right? Kind of sounds like a date situation? Totally not. It was like being at a game with Brian. =) We talked. We drank. We heckled. It was an awesome time. Him and Doug are having a get together at their place tonight. I told him I would call him after the Lifehouse show tonight to see if the trio are there. He started to bring it up.. and as much as I want to hear it... I really didn't want to hear it. It still hurts to think about it.

Anyhoo... I should really start cleaning up this place before people come over. And get some food in my belly cuz I'm driving again tonight. =)

I miss being in a relationship. Watching HIMYM makes it that much worse.

June 11, 2009

Still haven't decided whether or not I'm gonna head to Cali this weekend. Guess we'll see as the weekend progresses, right? If I get an invite to a worthy event here in Phoenix, then I'll stay. But otherwise, I'm renting a car and heading to Anaheim.

Cindy's birthday festivities were pretty interesting yesterday. Sign making with cops in the lobby. LOL. Weird. So we head out towards Chase... and look for street parking. I find metered parking, but when we go to check the meter, it was one of the 3 in downtown that is 8am-8pm enforcement. It was only 6pm. LAME. So we jump back into my little car, but Cindy's door is stuck on the sidewalk! Meanwhile, the light we're at turns red and there's a Phoenix PD SUV right next to us watching as I jump out of my car, pull up the passenger door, then literally HOP into the drivers seat with a *PLOP*! The cops are watching the whole time and are just laughing their butts off. So they let me cut them off when the light turns green, and a block up, we find sweeeet street parking! LOL! We look back up at the cops and they're both giving us the "OK!" sign and laughing. OH man. That was a great start to the randomness that would be the rest of that night.

We get there to meet Kevin.. all posing in front of the tree. He's eye candy and he knows it. We pick up our tickets and off to the game we go! I was cheering for the Giants. In my SD gear. On the home side. LOL... I got the most dirty looks ever. Worse than usual. But that's what happens when you talk a lot of shit. Poor Cindy. Her boys lost. And a drunk guy kicked us out of his seats. The whole avoiding Amanda adventure. Baxter, oh Baxter. Old men laughing at my comments. SD fans on my side. Kamikazis at the bar to finish watching the SDvsLA game (YAY!!! And Jo bought Benny seats at Dodger stadium! WHOA!) Kelsey getting groped by the drunk Sox fan. Ran.dom.ness. all night long. I love it. ^_^

I'm trying to play cupid between Kevin and Kelsey. They're soooo each other's types that it hurts. =) Mar is on a mission. Team 9415 is in on it too <3 everyone but Kels ^_^ shhhhhhh!

I really want BJs pizza. Or sushi. Nights like this when I have cravings like this I really miss Nick. And it's not that I miss having someone to do those relationship things with... it's that I miss HIM. I miss him as my friend. As someone I could talk to. Someone I could say anything to. And I know I could call up a different friend and go get pizza or sushi. I know that. But it's not the same. What we had was on such a different level. BLAH. This is the other part of why I want to go home. Because at home I have Brian. My best friend is still at home and I don't have that with anyone out here... not anymore anyway. I have David, but he's always too busy... now that he has a girlfriend he's even more busy than before =(

I whine entirely too much, don't I? I should probably work on that. And the drinking. And the lack of exercise. I just need a little bit of motivation tho.

June 10, 2009

Crazy day yesterday. Woke up and didn't want to go to work. Surprise, surprise, right? Well... the night before, I didn't sleep for a very long time because I was too engrossed watching HIMYM. Season 1... it's killer. It gives me hope and makes me sad all at once. =( But it's funny as hell. I'm making Kelsey watch it as I finish each DVD ^_^ Anyhoo... so yeah... wine, cheese, and HIMYM made for a very enjoyable self-date-night. I'm almost finished with that bottle of Tapiz Malbec. Yummy yummy!

So I get to work and nothing is done. Which was fine because it was me and another OCD person. So we were able to knock everything out in no time and then have plenty of time to play catch up =) 4:30 rolls around and i BOLT. 5pm date with Kelsey, Julianne, Boston, and the Yanks. Chuey was our server. Todd kept stopping by. The girls believe he's into me. But it's TODD! That's a little weird. Same Todd that caught Nick and I drunk making out in the parking lot. Same Todd that gives me so much crap for baseball. I bet he would be good times tho. I wouldn't be opposed to hanging out with him. ;) So Chuey hung out with Cindy and I after his shift. He has a little white crotch rocket. Insta-hot, right? You know how the mar likes boys that go fast. Seems to be the common denominator between all the guys that I've dated. (With the exception of one, I suppose... silly brian.)

In the middle of dinner, Miguel calls me and asks if I can babysit. I oblige and make my way to his house after the bar (didn't realize I had 4 talls!... oops) to hang out with the baby and the doggies. Cindy kept me company for a couple of hours, then it was just the dogs and I cuddled on the couch. Well... more like those two beasts sprawled out on top of me so that I'm unable to breathe. 2am rolls around and I hear Caysen start to cry. He got himself stuck in the corner of the crib. So I soothe him. But he refuses to sleep. UGH. Miguel and Amber get home around 2:45, I give up the baby and make my way home. Home in time for a 45 minute nap and off to work I go!

I'm dead tired right now. And I'm not sure if I have to go in after work to get my applications filed for financial aid with UoP. Then sign making for the game. Then the game tonight. Then open again tomorrow. Then back to UoP. Then wing night. Then open. Then SD?

I just don't know anymore. I'm BEAT. I'm so glad I don't have a baby -_-

June 8, 2009

So I bought the first 3 seasons of How I Met Your Mother. It's my new obsession because Friends and Scrubs are no longer airing new episodes, and apparently, Pushing Daisies ends at season 2. LAAAAAME!!!! So yeah. HIMYM is my new thaaaaang.

I keep forgetting that I work at 8 tomorrow. I keep looking at the clock thinking that I need to get ready for bed and sober up (LOL!!!). Dude. But seriously. I need to get my fatass to the gym PRONTO. But I just haven't had the motivation to go. I've seriously been way too tired. =(

I've been talking to a counselor at University of Phoenix. I'm going in this week to fill out my application and get my financial aid application all good and done. Hopefully to get a BA in Business Accounting. The theory behind that is... well....

When I was little, I LOOOOOVED math. Loved the theories and the applications and the LOGIC of it all. Numbers never changed, but they sure as hell could be manipulated. So I loved it. I told my mom that I wanted to go into accounting when I grew up. She discouraged me. She told me that there was no future in what I wanted to do. BIIIIIG discouragement. =( So I pursued other things. Couldn't figure out what I wanted to do. I knew I was good at teaching. I knew I loved the logic of science. Knew that math and logic still came naturally to me. But still lost.

So... I still love crunching numbers. And now that I have had a good amount of managerial experience in retail, I think I have a good foundation to be able to really absorb and apply everything I learn in my courses. I love this stuff. So why not make a living off of it until I can make enough money to move myself back home with a stable job, be able to go back to school to learn how to do something that will actually be FULFILLING in my life. I don't want to be in business accounting for the rest of my life. I know I will enjoy it. But I'm not so sure it will make me happy or feel like I'm doing something good with my life. I really think that OTR is my calling. This is just a necessary step to get there without taking that step backwards in my life. Hey... another degree can't hurt, right? And I know I'll enjoy my courses. And it's something to keep me motivated in my life and keep me busy and out of my own head. (I put the Lookout picture back up on my nightstand).

I got a nice little note on my door yesterday from the leasing office. My lease ends on 9.30.09. Which means I need to find a new place by my BIRTHDAY!!!! And I'm not so sure if Miguel and Amber's house will be finished by then. And do I sell my furniture? Or do I keep it? And if the house isn't done by then, then where do I live? I officially asked Miguel the other day if I could live with him in their new house when my lease is up. He said yes. Which means I'm gonna live with newlyweds in the middle of freakin nowhere with a baby, 2 dogs, and 2 cats. Yikes.

But you know what? Cheap rent. I'll live with a really good friend that has his own stuff going on. I was thinking of living with Cindy... but we keep totally opposite hours. And I'm not too sure I'd be okay with people coming in and out of our place. I'm okay confined to one room of a house, but if I have to share a small apartment, it needs to be someone that I'm in love with or share all my friends with. I dunno. I love Cindy. I think we would have a blast together. I'm just not sure about the long term living together thing. =/ Is that horrible? I need to talk to her more about it. It's just that we have totally different friends. Like... her and her current roomie have the same friends from HS. That's different from SBUX friends. It just IS.

Anyhoooo... Jon is being a dick. DICK. man hating. leave me be.

June 7, 2009

I have wronged good beer. =P Last night after we finished off all the Fat Tire, we played caps and some game with dice with Bud Light. I was good enough on the fat tire that I really didn't mind the piss water. Hopeless, aren't I?

Well let's start from the beginning. Yesterday morning Kelsey and I decided that we really needed to watch "The Hangover" (BTW... BEST MOVIE EVER!!! OMG I was laughing the entire movie! that doesn't happen very often) So I invited Doug... well... just because. After that weird night after BWW, I know I can call him to hang out and do anything. But he already watched it, so he told me to call him after we got out of the movie. So I did, and he told me to come over and watch the game. So I did. It was just a small shindig, with 6 of us (Momo and Lance came over after we were all done drinkin tho). But yeah... SDvsAZ game. Burgers (which Doug and Kevin made and they were delicious!). A good game of bottlecaps. A good game of 7-11. Wii bowling and Wii baseball. Pillowfight. I got picked up and tossed into the pool. then Hot Tub!!!! LOL. I didn't bring clothes, so i was completely soaked! So I went home in Doug's shorts (the ones that I just brought back over to his place! LOL!).

I got home at around 1:30. Wrote that quick post (which clearly I was tired and delirious). Worked at 4:30am to train Lea on how to open. And had a very very long day. The mar is pooped! Hopefully I can catch a nap between now and the game. Then another between the game and church. I'M POOPED!!!

We had plans to just stay at the movies today. Kevin hasn't watched Up or The Hangover and I haven't watched Wolverine and Star Trek. So we were just gonna do that all day ^_^ Dude. I wish these two lived closer =(

June 6, 2009

you not having a computer is killing me. i know you know. And it's just not cool. I had a very long conversation with myself on the way back home. Because home for some reason is a lot further than I thought it would be.

This just isn't fair, is it? I miss you. Come back to me already.

June 5, 2009

So. I met this guy. 26. six footah. still goes to ASU. clearly as much of an alkie as I am. OMG. I want to jump on him and make beautiful babies. (LOL. that's disgusting. but he is super hot). He wants to go out for drinks tonight. But that means I have to drive to the east valley.

I would if I didn't have work at 4:30am =( Otherwise, I would be at Cindy's party in Glendale. Or Doug's daddy's house (I got an invite ^_^) So in essence, I'm flaking out on 3 people =P

Whatevs. I finally had some quality time with David. Our nights together have been very few and very far between lately and it supersucks. We used to hang out pretty frequently. And now... it's like once every two weeks. WAAHHH!!!! Mar misses her friend! Like... it was fine when I was with Nick. It was fine when I was married and he was single. Because during both of those phases we both carved time out for each other... OR we had no time for each other. I need to get into a relationship or he needs to get out of one. It's straining our friendship, damnit. LOL ^_^ JK!!! I'm happy for him. I just miss him, that's all.

Anyhoo... so this guy jonathan. He's a libra. LOL imagine a guy version of me ^_^ Sounds like fun, right? But it freaks me out because I don't think I'm compatible with me =P I dunno. I'm really keeping my guard up. He seems like a sweet guy. But. I dunno. We'll see what happens as it progresses I guess. He's got baggage like I got baggage. And I think that's what's holding me back.

June 4, 2009

I can't believe Joseph Christopher found me on facebook ^_^ I love him. BTW, quick history lesson, Joseph was my very first official boyfriend. We met on a party line! I was pager feenin and found his best friend Jason and left him a message in his box because I thought he sounded cute. Then we all decided to meet up at plaza bonita and watch "Joe's Apartment" (best roach movie ever!)... jason was shorter than me, and Joe was there, and we exchanged pager numbers and the rest is history <3!!! LOL! Wow. I remember when Joe, Jason, and John came over for Greg's bday party and they spent the night at my house and we had to pretend they were my brother's friends. ^_^ BTW, those three went to HS w/ Adrian Gonzalez =) But yeah... we've run into each other throughout our high school years. Then again through college. Then post-college at the clubs. We've always danced together and have been on great terms. We don't really keep in touch, but maybe facebook will change that =) I still can't believe that ^_^ Hilarity. i love it.

OMG. I miss my youth. I'm pretty sure I still have mementos from back then <3 the 1-hour-photo pictures of the two of us together. And the gum that we made out with. LOL! That's so disgusting! But it's probably still in the cK canister in my closet in SD.

Dr. Troy came in this morning and Kelsey totally chickened out. wuss! LOL. But she said that next time she was just gonna write her number on the cup. We'll see if it actually happens. I want to find out the scoop before she does it, tho. Just in case there's a girlfriend.... we don't want her comin after my girl ^_^

I've been craving Red Robin all day. I went to JIB after work for a sirloin burger and it helped with the cravings, but it didn't fix it =P My friends all suck. It's okay tho... better that I paid $4.78 for a burger than $13.95. I have to get the spending under control!

Okay. I really need to focus today and figure out what to do with my life. =P hollerrr adulthood!


I'm trying to wind down so I can actually sleep tonight. I don't know why I keep scheduling myself to clopen =P But we're out by 8:30 which is still technically 8 hours between shifts. Whatever. I'm a retard. But we all know that.

My boys got dominated by the Phillies. Sad face for sad mar. Which means we're 3 games below 500. Which means we need to dominate the Dbacks when they're in SD this weekend! Keepin my fingers crossed.

I forget how nice it is to go to work because it keeps my mind off of Nick. Save your lecture. You already know how I am. This isn't going away for a very long time. But anyhoo... for the most part I worked by myself today. I had someone else around, but they weren't technically on the floor (nor were they in uniform... clean sweep... yay!) So I basically closed by myself today. And still managed to get out at 8:15. That's a lot slower than my usual time... but hey... given the circumstances... I think I done good ^_^

I'm still debating on whether or not I want to go to Anaheim next weekend for the SDvsAnaheim game at Angels stadium. I really want to go, but I don't know if my car is in good enough shape to make it out there. I'm trying to preserve him long enough until I can get my new mini cooper =) But looking at my finances... I don't even know when that's gonna be able to happen. =( I can't seem to get my spending under control! Being single gets expensive. I mean... being the breadwinner in a relationship gets expensive too b/c you're paying for dates and what not... but .. well... I dunno. It's a toss up, I suppose.

Araceli asked me today how my love life is going. I told her it kinda sucks. She laughed. I would have laughed too. Bleh.

June 3, 2009

okay. You probably shouldn't read this cuz then you'll have another reason to be mad at me. I know, I know. I've been stupid. I know that. But I usually am when it comes to this kind of stuff, remember? Dude. How long have you known me? You should have known I would do something stupid like this. =P

Yesterday I sent the email that has been sitting in my "Drafts" box. It's been sitting there for a few weeks. I just never really had the balls or the reason to send it. I just liked having it there because it made me feel better to know that I COULD send it if I was drunk enough. Well... yesterday I needed to air out some laundry and i just decided to hit SEND. It wasn't as emotional or as needy as you think. At one point, it actually said "I feel like a crazy person. I feel like the psycho ex girlfriend that just doesnt know when to let it die." Because at times I feel like that. But that's because I have no closure from HIM yet. I just need him to tell me that there's no chance. I know that's being greedy. Because he probably still has no idea what to do with it either. I know he's thinking he would like to be friends, but is thinking that there's no way that it could happen or work out. He also probably has a little bird telling him that it's a bad idea. As in, worst idea ever. And that being my friend would put some things in jeopardy. I know he'll listen to that little bird. Which sucks.

Anyways, I also sent him the worst message that I could ever send. But again... I HAD TO. The text said "This is gonna sound really funny, but i got tickets to Weezer and i really want to take you. It's not til september 16, so maybe we'll be friends by then? LMK." Still no response. I'm kind of not expecting one. But I hope I get one back. At least have the courtesy to tell me "no thanks."

see? I told you you're gonna be yelling at me in your head. I knew you would be. C'mon. How long have we known each other? Don't you think I would already know how you would react?

June 2, 2009

I'm not gonna lie. I feel like shit. Not physically.... the fat tire, fat tire, jager bomb, sam adams, jagerbomb, liquid cocaine, guinness, blackout, irish car bomb, and sam adams was good times. I was good and drunk, you can count on that. But I feel just fine this morning. I feel really shitty because I realize right now how lonely I am.

Last night we picked up some random guy at the bar. I ended up in the hot tub with Doug and this guy Joe until the cops kicked us out at 3:30 in the morning. Then (thank God!) Doug passed out on the futon in my room so that Joe would pass out on the couch in the living room. I am seriously so thankful that Doug was there last night. Because he kept Joe away and was the super cock block. I really needed that =) Honestly, I was kind of interested in Joe when I was drunk... but this morning... even tho nothing happened and I totally gave the "I'm seriously not interested" vibe the whole night, I still feel kinda skanky.

Doug and I went to see UP this morning. ^_^ That was such a funny movie! I must watch it again! We were the loudest idiots in there laughing our patooties off! ^_^ I don't think the kids got all the jokes. It was a nice PG end to a very rated R night.

I picked up the $125 tab. SHIT! Okay... that's a freakin credit card payment. =( Dangit. But considering that I haven't hung out with Doug in a really really really long time, it was worth it. I just can't believe that I spent that much. I had a $20 in my wallet and that was all I was expecting to spend. It's okay... Joe the server got a really nice $40 tip. He totally deserved it after last night =( I feel a little bad. We were being so obnoxious!

Cindy got his number ^_^ Super excited about that one. Cuz once he actually started talking, he just got cuter and cuter <3 And Chris is being such a jackass to her.

I sent Nick a very blurry picture of Doug dancing. The text said "Doug is getting jiggy witit it! You gould see this! ^_^" Wow. I kind of don't know whether or not I should apologize for it. I really want to talk to him, but I know that it's a really bad idea. I don't even know what i would say to him. Doug kind of started talking about it, but he stopped. I don't want to hear about it. And I dunno.... as much as I want to know that he's doing okay... I don't want to know about his life without me in it. I don't know. I really don't know what to do. Doug asked how I was doing. He said that it seems like I'm okay with everything now. I told him that it's been quite the process and getting through this whole thing has been really hard. Because it really has been. YOU know that. I'm just trying to keep busy and live my life and try not to think about it. But I just can't.


So I'm so retarded. I'm glad I didn't sleep in more than I did! I totally forgot I had an SM meeting today at noon! OOPS! If I hadn't checked email (which I normally don't on monday mornings because it's usually a lot of bitching about stupid stuff that aren't relevant to my store)... dude I woulda been screwed. OOPS! LOL!!! Way to focus on your job mar! hahahahah!

I finally fell asleep last night around 3am after a few rounds of Scrubs Trivia. Woke up at 6:30 because I'm an idiot and I kept my blinds open all night and we all know how the AZ sunshine likes to flood everything =) So I couldn't sleep for the life of me. AWESOME. The nice part is that when I went in to work, Julianne commented that I looked really refreshed! hahahaah! On Sunday when I came in, she commented that I looked like crap. So note to self::: sleep less and I'll look more refreshed, because apparently, when I get an ample amount of sleep, I look like a bus hit me. LOL! ^_^ Good stuff.

happy hour time! ^_^

June 1, 2009 ((2:03am)

UGH. I should have known better than to drink that much caffeine that late in the day =( This is why I don't close anymore. =P Luckily... it's just an admin day tomorrow so I'm goooood ^_^

You know what? I really think I'm gonna need a rebound to get over this thing. UGH. I just don't wanna slut it up. =P We all know that never ends well. -_- And I'm getting too old to do that. And too fat. =P This stupid belly won't go away! WTF?!?!??!

It's freakin 2am and there's nothing on TV. And all my friends are asleep. OOH! Speaking of which.... last week I started sleeping through the night ^_^ No more waking up at 2:30 every morning =) Be excited for me! Cuz I am!!! (well... with the exception of the other night. I couldn't sleep to save my life. I would wake up every 10 minutes and be super uncomfortable. It was one of those nights where I needed someone to hold me to keep me in place. blaaaaaaahhhhh!)


Just finished watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 S5 ep1. It's a really sad thing because if you've watched the show throughout its 4 previous years, those two were such a TEAM. They did everything together. They were so excited about their lives... as tedious and as tiring and as consuming it all was... they were in it together and nobody was going to tell them otherwise. I remember Kate always being bossy... but that was the mom in her. That was the strong woman in her. And I bet that it's a part of her that Jon absolutely fell in love with in the first place. I remember that they used to put up index cards all over the house with proverbs and passages from the Bible. They were everywhere! I remember seeing that and thinking that that's something I would like to do with my family. Not that I wanted a big family... but they weren't planning on a big family either. But that closeness of doing everything together. Being a team with my husband and passing on our values to our children. Knowing that someone always had my back and that we wanted the same things in our life together.

Real love isn't about looking into each others' eyes, but looking forward together. Blah. I don't want to rush anything... but I'm getting impatient. God, please grant me the patience to wait for the love that you bless me with.

I'm doing laundry right now. Pane used to wear the same thing the whole week, so usually his weekly laundry consisted of one load. And Saturday used to be my laundry day. And it used to take me ALL DAY. Like loads and loads and loads... I don't know how we ended up with THAT much laundry! These days the only weekly load that I have to do is sheets and towels. I'm going out more which means I'm wearing more. But I'm doing a lot less laundry every week. How the heck does that happen? Everytime I go to do a load... there's not enough to warrant using that much energy and water, so I wait it out. hm. Go figure.

I've been trying to clean out my closet. I put away my winter clothes last week. Organized my tank tops. There's a nice big pile of clothes that either don't fit anymore, or I finally can part with. Mostly stuff that I keep telling myself that I'm going to wear again.. but the fit is so ugly or it's so uncomfortable that I really shouldn't keep it anymore. I just think of all the money I've spent on clothes in the past few years and cringe. But oh well. That's one of my many vices. Drinking. Baseball. Shopping. Eating. Shopping. Drinking. Rinse. Repeat.

We decided to skip out on tonight's festivities. I'm just feeling so bloated and disgusting after last night's late night nachos and beer. It's been a while since I've eaten like that. Then when I got home this morning, I polished off most of the bag of PiratesBooty. Which came to roughly 520 calories =( So sad. In one sitting. At least I take some comfort in the fact that I burned a lot of calories this morning putting the order away and didn't really eat anything at work. I tried to finish my latte, but got halfway through and couldn't do it. The rest of the snacks today consist of a chicken thigh and cheese and crackers. Total calories are still right around 1000. But I still feel like a pot bellied mar.

I should go to the gym, but ever since I started doing more cardio, the only noticeable weight loss is in my boobs. And since I'm already lacking in that area, the amount lost is pretty significant. Lame.

May 30, 2009

I forget how much of a potty mouth I can be. And that drunk blogging is generally a bad idea. But hey... in my defense, I've been a lot better at ball games about the potty mouth. I've become louder and more obnoxious, so I dropped the cursing. I'm just tired of the dirty looks about the potty mouth. They can give me all the dirty looks when I shit-talk, but whatever.

I don't know what possessed me to go to the bar at 11pm last night. I didn't even take a nap yesterday because of the visit-scare. Then I opened this morning and was actually early. Maybe I'm getting the hang of this again ^_^ That would be amazing! Tonight we're going to Hells again. Should be good times. I've never not had a good time there =) Well.... just the one time when Pane thought it would be a good idea for us to go to a bar together. But that was the night we ran into Nick and Kalani and had dinner with them at Margaritaville ^_^ So that was good times. Last night we sat with the servers that had just gotten off of work ^_^ That was pretty cool. They were givin us crap cuz it's been about 3 weeks since we've been there. Oops. Whatevs. We're both kinda broke so it's fine.

Speaking of which... Kelsey told me to suck it up and live at home too. So we'll see what happens.


Excuse Sam. He has no manners when he invades. I realize now what happened. It makes perfect sense now. I can't believe you've been here all this time and you never even bothered to say hello. I can't believe that you know exactly what's been going on and you don't do anything about it. I can't believe you. You're not the person I fell in love with. You're not who I thought you were. I've been making excuses all this time because of your situation and this whole time it's been YOUR CHOICE. YOUR FUCKING CHOICE. I can't fucking believe you.

I'm so angry that I can't think straight. All the angry and the bitter and the hurt and the loneliness that I've felt is just rising to the surface. >_<

Lord, please grant me the grace to forgive. Please give me the strength and help me understand why I hurt so much. Please Lord help me understand why I feel this way. Take the pain away. I give this to you to heal. Please heal my bleeding heart!

Still broken. Still bleeding. Someone please take it away.


I heard through the grapevine that you got into the business school at NAU. I'm really proud of you. I knew you would figure it out. I wish you all the best, because I still do care about you. I hope it makes the next few decisions much easier for you. You've worked really hard to get where you are and you deserve all the best. You'll HAVE all the best. You'll be happy. I know that because I know your heart and I know that God has put you on this path because He loves you and He wants you to find your happiness. Good job =)

I'm in relapse mode lately. My buddies called me earlier to see if I was up for late night happy hour. I open tomorrow, but I need a drink tonight. I need my friends tonight. Yesterday I hit another wall. Geeeez! How many of these freakin walls are there?!??!?! Ugh. O. Ver. It.

They're done in about an hour. I still don't know what the destination is. Hopefully somewhere with Newcastle. I could go for some sugar.

Anyhoo... i need to not be alone for the next few days. Someone come pick me up.

May 29, 2009

So I'm sitting in my store again. I got a heads up from another store manager that my boss's boss and her boss might make a surprise visit. So to ease my partners' minds, I decided to skip my nap and give them some moral support. So I'm sitting here trying to chat with an admissions rep at BrownMackie about their Occupational Therapy Assistants program. It's not accredited, but they will be getting a visit soon. So hopefully by the time I finish they'll be accredited. =P Here's to hoping! It's a 2-year full time program... so he says I won't be able to work full time. Obviously he's never met me ^_^ But then again... I'm not 19 anymore either. So we'll see what happens. And since it's only an OTA program, I'm hoping that costs stay below $10K. The program in grossmont would run me less than $2K (tuition and books!), but I can't exactly afford to move back either. I'm still debating on whether or not it's smarter to move back home for a couple of years and just work as a shift, or stay here and work my ass off and spend a million times more for school. But I dunno. I have to think about it some more, I guess. Part of me wants to stay here because I love my independence. I love not blowing all my money on partying and lunches and dinners. But the other part of me wants to just MOVE BACK HOME where it's comfortable and where all my friends and family are and where the program would be CHEAP! But... I dunno. Sad to say, but I like it here.

I was talking to David about it. He's working a full time job, a part time job, and taking 2-3 classes per semester (and in the summer). And he's my drinking buddy. And he has a girlfriend. He's living insanity. But basically living the life I had back in college (full time work, full time student, sorority, and boyfriend). No sleep. Just LIFE. Living life and not letting it pass by. I feel like these days I'm enjoying myself, but I could be doing something more fulfilling and working towards my real future. But hey... you know what? I'm gonna get there. And I'm not gonna waste my time being a bum (unless relaxation time is necessary). I need to live my life right now. And I don't mean in a drunken stupor... but actually DO something other than sit around and watch TV. I see some of my friends doing that these days and it makes me so sad for them. =(

Anyhoo... exciting news... I went grocery shopping for the week and only spent $23.50 for the next few days ^_^ Tons of pre-marinated chicken, snacks (pita chips, popcorn puffs, ice cream), rice, soda (Hansens... lol... i dunno if that counts!), fish, veggies for salad, and eggs and tortillas. I dunno how I pulled that off, but I did =) Be excited for me! Cuz seriously... food gets expensive!

I'm still wondering what to do with my life. hahahhahaah! after all that... I'm still right here.. not able to make decisions. WONDERFUL!


Hate to admit it... but I've been seriously looking into any interesting programs here in Phoenix. I need to go back to school.... and OT is definitely something that I would like to get into... but accounting and something with numbers-crunching is also an option. (I love crunching numbers ^_^! It's the asian in me) Right now, the smartest option would be to do something in accounting or maybe in business management. That way, starbucks would foot the bill for most of it, and it would hopefully lead me down a different path with a company that I love. I love working for starbucks... but I just don't want to be in a retail/sales environment for the rest of my life. I want to be able to have holidays with my family and have the option of traveling at one point in my life. But who knows, right? I know the company isn't in the best position right now, but once everything gets better, then hopefully I'll end up somewhere that I love. Hey.. that 150% 401K match is very appealing and the discount/markout for life?!?!? Hollerrrrr!!!

Marie asked why I don't just go into PT instead of OT. OT is a lot more emotionally draining and it's just as labor intensive. But I told her that I don't think I could deal with just helping others with their physical therapy. I'm better with the people side of it all. Understanding how to help them adapt to their world. LOL... teaching them how to jimmy-rig life around them so that they are functioning, self-sustaining, and successful. It's a great feeling to see someone go on a path that they want to be in life. And to know that you helped them get there.... it feels great, I tell yah. And I know that counseling is also an option... but a lot of times those people aren't as willing and don't try as hard as OT patients. They just want you to tell them exactly what to do and then a lot of times they don't even listen. I have thick skin... but dude... to subject myself to that everyday would probably depress me. No thanks. I see enough stubborness at work... and it's only coffee!!!

Anyhoo... in other news... I kinda feel like lately on my myspace and my facebook that I've been a little bit... well... I dunno. Boy crazy? Or baseball player crazy. I dunno. That's just my personality, I guess. I see something, I like it, I want the whole world to know that I like it. ^_^ Just sounds a little slutty sometimes tho. =P Not that I'm actually doing anything about it. Not even that I'm entertaining thoughts of actually "Luke hunting" or anything of that sort. I dunno.

I think I've hit the point of wanting to be adored again. I need that attention. Not just from anyone.. but someone I can actually care about. And lately, I can't seem to get through all the superficial stuff. But then again... the last guy I was with was superhot.... so anything subpar would just be a huge step down. That sounds SOOOO shallow, doesn't it? I don't care. Just like Brian set the standard in personality and compatibility, Nick set the standard in physical attractiveness/compatibility. (BTW, all but 2 photos have been taken down! PROGRESS!) I'm just not being patient, I guess.

LOL. So funny story.... A couple of weeks ago, Kelsey decided that she thinks that Cameron is a stud. So ofcourse, me and the girls were on it to figure out his single-status, etc. to see what was her chances were. Well it just so happened to fall around the time that I started working in the AM consistently again. So you know... small talk... blablahblah. One day, Mijon got the cajones to actually RUN after him, then ask "Cameron, inquiring minds would like to know if you have a girlfriend?" He did. And he brought her in later that evening (WTF?!??!) He also started making more random appearances at weird times. We came to the conclusion that he's come to the conclusion that it's either Kelsey or ME that is the "inquiring mind." So lately he's been lingering a bit longer. Giving that weird stare when we're on bar.... you know the stare... the "i'm standing here... SPEAK TO ME!" stare. And today he actually was crackin jokes and was doing the "oops! can you grab the card out of my hand?!? Almost got it... nope... no.... okay here you go!" thing with his debit card. I dunno. It was weird. We decided that he likes the attention. Maybe we're his little self esteem boosters. LOL. Cuz from what I've heard... the gf is not so pretty and she's not very nice. =P

I entertained thoughts of dinner at BJs. Or happy hour. It's been entirely too long since I've had a Jeremiah Red. But it just feels wrong to go without him.
May 28, 2009

Okay. SOOOO sad that it's not you anymore. =( What happened? Get bored? Get scared? Not interested anymore? Both of last nights' episodes of Sex and the City were very relevant. The first was about being friends with an Ex. Um. Yeah. My ex is my best friend. How often does that happen? The second was about the "Katie girls" vs the "Simple Girls." I'm still on the fence about which one I am. I'm easy to please... but I have so much baggage that it's a bit draining and complicated.

But onto the first ep. I was thinking about all of my exes. Still on good terms with most... and at this point, it's about 50%. Joe and I still will have a drink when we run into each other. Erik is still around because the wifey and I will chat every now and then. Jeff... well... I don't think Jeff will ever be out of the picture. Genaro... out of my life by choice. Mark... we're on good terms. But there's no real effort at keeping up a friendship. Pane... well let's face it... that's never gonna be repaired. Brian... best friend in the whole world. And then there's Nick. I think I was trying to fool myself into thinking that I'm ready for a friendship with him. But NOPE! I just don't know how we would do that. Because there were no problems with us. NONE. And to start a friendship and to still have all that tension... BLAH. Not happening. I'm not strong enough for it. Maybe he is at this point. But I'm not gonna even attempt it anymore. Another heartbreak is not worthit.

I couldn't sleep last night. Maybe it was the red bull right before I left for the game. Maybe it was the Sam. Maybe it was all the naps I took yesterday. I dunno. But I just kept tossing and turning and couldn't stay asleep for longer than 45 minutes at a time. No nightmares. No dreams. There wasn't any REM. And I should be pooped right now, but I somehow managed to finish all my lattes and my coffees today. Yeah. Multiples of each.

Yesterday I deduced that the only time I was actually in shape enough to last through my workouts was when I was having a glass of wine every night. Hm. Something to think about.

May 27, 2009

Now I'm all confused. Did you get a new lappie? If you did, then good for you! It's about time. LOL... just kidding ^_^ Someone should be telling me that, right?

I finally finished my to-do list today ^_^ Freakin after a million years! hahahahah! No... just after 3 days =P And I finally went to the gym after like 10 days! No... wait... the last time I went was the day before we beat the reds.... and that was what started the 10game streak. So that means the last time I went to the gym was 12 days ago! ACK!!! That's a long time to be a fatty mcdaddy. Explains a lot why I couldn't keep up with myself. How embarrassing -_-

I went the SDvsAZ game ALL BY MYSELF today! Kelsey and Miguel and David totally flaked on me. But it was either go to a bar and watch the game by myself or go the the game by myself. I decided that it would be much easier to make friends at a ball game than at a bar. And I spent less at the game than I would have if I went to a bar. I spent a total of $20! $6 for seats (even tho I sat in GREAT seats!). $2 for seeds. $12 on beer ^_^ I made friends with SF fans. Ick. And helped a little kid beg the bullpen for balls. He ended up getting one from Brian Giles <3 that's why he's my favorite.

Anyhoo... I have to open in the morning. It was a quick game, but dude... I'm pooped! Good night folks. Call me soon. ^_^


I'm asssuming camping? That would be my best guess. Cuz I know it's not partying or out galavanting. I would have known or seen or felt if that was the case. And as for yesterday, I know the whereabouts of the other one so that would explain a lot. I still can't figure out the other one on bf tho. There was no referrer, so it was memorized. Kinda freaks me out. And it was on a teenie screen. Assuming internet phone? Ugh. I dunno. But then if that was looked at, it wouldn't make sense to not check main, right? I need to stop overanalyzing and creating theories in my head because it makes the OCD go into overdrive.

So my myspace status was about to be "he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar" because that song was playing on the radio at the time. But I changed my mind 'cuz then it would give David a reason to get on my case about it. =P LOL. Stupid internet. Anyhoo...

It kinda sparked thoughts. That happens a lot when I'm sitting here listening to music. I should really just limit the music to work and the car. It drives me nuts when I listen at home alone. =P But i got to thinking that it's the end of may already. CRAZY!!! So we've been apart a week short of 2 months. Then I got to thinking that if we had waited this long in the first place, that we would have saved ourselves a lot of trouble. Well... maybe. I still don't understand what the view would be had we waited until after the divorce papers were drawn up.

Because although it's still a technicality that I was married.... it wasn't recognized by the church. Our vows were "legal" vows. He's not baptized. There are just so many loopholes found in Scripture that I genuinely believe that I'm good. And although I've made a lot of mistakes along the way... I'm a sinner. But that makes me human. I dunno. Coulda woulda shoulda. Those months that we were together were absolute bliss, tho. It gave me hope for myself. Gave me hope for my own future. It also made me start dreaming again.... and those dreams are shattered. But I guess that's part of the punishment.

ACK! We're sitting on the home side tonight =( I'm not bringing a sign. I might get kicked out of the park =P

[4:55pm]I just finished reading Feb'09 and started bawling. Between the happy and Janice... I'm dying here! Chicken Fry just came on. Peavy better not abandon me. Or I come Coronado, hurl me into the bay!

May 26, 2009

My big mistake was watching tv after lunch. I passed ouuuuut! It's 2pm right now and I still have tons to do =P and it's hotter than an effer outside so I really don't wanna do anything =( But I have to. Before 6pm. Eek!

That was a good nap tho ^_^ Seems like because I'm opening more these days, I've gotten accustomed to taking afternoon naps. Today's nap was longer than my actual sleep last night. That tends to be the case lately. My internal clock is all outta wack. Mar needs some consistency in her life =P

Anyhooo... i need to get out of my jammies so I can go and be productive ^_^ I'm cautiously excited about tonight. I thought my boys were gonna break my heart last night =X But for what they've done in the past couple of weeks, I know that they love me <3

I just know that if they start losing again, I'm gonna end up in my funk again. And i'm gonna be that depressed mess again. Now nobody wants that! -_-

May 25, 2009

I've been waiting for this series ever since the MLB released the regular season schedule ^_^ I can't believe it was THAT crowded at the park! 30K people.... the most crowded game I've ever been to at Chase Field. Isn't that sad? Anyhooo... Dougie and I made plans to go together ever since I met him (back in December!!!) and he flaked out. So did David and Audra. So it was just me and Cindy. BIIIIIIG surprise!!! ... yeah... NOOOOT. But I don't care. WE WON!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!! Dude. The win was just the icing on the cake. But dude... that was an AMAAAAZING game!!! Buddy finally got tossed from a game... and so did my Nicky ^_^ Ecky and Adrian were still arguing with the umps after those two were tossed so i was a little freaked. But totally worthit!!! Blanco made an essential hit and we won after 10 innings *_* I love this game!

I finished the day with a few eps of HIMYM (my absolute new fave) and an ep of Rules of Engagement and now it's time for my nap before I open again tomorrow >_< Could still top off the night with reverse happy hour. Guess we'll just wait and see. (LOL... weytensee tribe hahhahahah gotta love scrubs!)

Remind me that it's very very important to go talk to the leasing office tomorrow. Get a car wash. Bring in my tower to get sent out to Texas. Go to work. MEET AT 6PM!!!! OMG I'm pooped.

I should be looking for a job right now. =) Mar needs a future!

May 24, 2009

I ended up on the new partner website for Starbucks. How? I was checking out OTA programs (BTW... there's one at Grossmont College in SD!!!) and realized that as much as I love all that stuff that I would be learning... and I would be making great money as an OTA... then move forward to get my masters and make double that... I don't know if I can be strong enough to do it. And honestly... I'm leaning more towards staying here in Phoenix than moving back to SD asap. It's a financial issue.

Let's wrap up this whole financial issue before I get off track. I make good money here. I can save up enough to buy my car, save up for a down payment, and make a significant dent in my student loan if I stay here for a couple more years. Especially if I rent a room in Miguel and Amber's new house. But that would mean putting off school. Staying in a job that I love, but feel stuck in. But for just a few more years, it isn't so bad, is it? But I'm not getting any younger, and I really need to start making better money. I just don't want to risk my cushy life and risk it all by moving back home. My job is just much safer here. And if I start looking for a job back home and get hired right away.... then I still have a lease and a responsibility to my store HERE.

I thought I had all my ducks in order. But that lack of response from the grad program totally threw me off course. So now what? Ideally... if I can find an OTA program here in Phoenix, then I can get started on everything, hopefully transfer to the Grossmont program and see what happens from there. I just don't want to be under my parent's roof again. Brian said he'd be my roomie, but that would require him to be rent-free because of Sam. Yeah... I'm not that rich. I'm not rich at all, remember? I guess I'll keep looking. I just don't want to be stuck here forever and I certainly don't want to be stuck in my job forever.

So how did that get me to this whole thing? Well... after kind of killing my immediate hope to be an OTA, I went to the partner career site to check out what my options were. I got distracted by the DM success profiles and the competency indicator. It's safe to say that I don't exactly fall in one category if I was to rate myself. I found myself in a lot of the "Effective in Role" category, but on some success indicators, I ranked myself as "Poor/Unacceptable." Don't worry.. I still had a few "High Performance" indicators. But the fact that I felt like i was "Poor/Unacceptable" told me that I'm totally not ready for that role just yet. Well... ofcourse I would need to go into training. But it also showed me how much passion I've lost for my job. I LOVE my job. But i guess not as much as I used to. I blame it on not having a role model to look up to or someone to push me along and motivate me (e.g. a high performing DM!). But then I thought about it, and I figure that if I really want to succeed, I have to want it for myself regardless of how crappy my DM is, or the lack of support I get from him. I know my staff will support my decisions and will want our store to succeed. I just need to fuel the fire and really motivate them to do better. So in that effect... I haven't been doing my job to motivate them to strive harder. I USED to... but not lately. It's because I don't have the motivation to. Because I don't think that anything that I do will make a difference. But it did when I did work hard. So who's to say that it won't work now? I have the time to do it.... I just need to take the time to accomplish that list of things that I told myself I would do for them. Yes... baseball has been very distracting... but I have Quincy now... so I can bring baseball to work and work my patootie off.

Anyway... that got me thinking about how I really need to go back to school. And get a masters? Maybe? an MBA?!?!?! And Starbucks would actually pay for it. So I guess we'll see. UGH. I hate being like this. I just need to make a decision already!

May 23, 2009

If it's any consolation, I posted last night on myspace ^_^ I don't really know why. I just know that I was super tired and I just wanted to type and I was there so I did. And my boys have SEVEN!!! ^_^ Poor ecky, tho. That hit looked like it really hurt! =(

I just finished watching How I Met Your Mother Season 4 Episode 23. Dude. It gave me hope. But it also brought back some pain. (p.s. I love Sarah Chalke!!!) That he's out there. Getting to me as fast as he can. But it can't be rushed. I already know that. And I have to be patient. It's just hard to be right now when I have so much time to think. Ted had it exactly--- it's what I want. And to see other people have it around me, it makes me impatient. I thought I had it... well... as far as I know, I've HAD it. And to not have it anymore... that's all I want again. That happiness.

Anyhooo.... I know I just have to have patience. I know I just need to be happy where I am and with what I have. And I am. I'm not UNhappy. I.. well... I dunno. I guess I'll just live my life until he gets to me.

Time for one more episode, then it's baseball time!!! ^_^ (Gotta love Saturday baseball on Fox!)

May 21, 2009

I should really be passed out right now. But I drank enough to still be processing all the sugar. I drank a lot, but not enough. That sounds really alcoholic. But you know what? All they played was Dino and Sinatra and all the songs that remind me of YOU. And you were supposed to be there with me tonight. The seat next to me was empty. UGH. Still bitter, can you tell?

We'll get into the details of the wedding later. I have to work in a few hours. And it's 11:11 right now. =( And I opened this morning. And I really wanto to be with you right now. And this is my attempt not to drunk dial or drunk text you because if by chance you're with your mother right now, I don't want to put a damper on her birthday. Happy birthday, momma.

I got some good pics tho ^_^ But yeah... more later. I just wanted to stay away from my phone. Just in case.


Herb went to the SDvsSF game today. He posted how he's excited to watch the Giants kill the Padres. I love that boy, but he got my blood boiling ^_^ So I wrote him a fun little comment and we'll see how it turns out tonight ^_^ Gotta love our rivalry! Keeps things interesting.

Early Happy Birthday to Nick's mommy <3 I really hope that their relationship can be repaired soon. I think that was the toughest consequence to swallow... the whole effect it had on his family. =( The guilt still haunts me. But what I feel is just a fraction of what he feels. So I have no right to talk. But let's not go down that path again. God will heal the wounds.

Tomorrow is gonna be crazy. Again. =P Seems to have a lot of those lately, huh? I guess that's a good thing. Keep myself occupied =) So after tonight's close, I get to open again tomorrow morning. I didn't write the schedule that way... but Clopening was the only way that we could make our driving range weekly date happen today. So open tomorrow, then I have to train Kassy on closing. Then off at 2pm. Head to target for some wrapping paper then head home, wrap the gift, get ready for the wedding, and I have to be at Julianne's house by 4pm. Let's hope that all goes well. Cuz after the wedding, I have to open again on Friday morning. And it's OPEN BAR. And I'm not driving. All signs point to mar not being functional for her 12 hour shift on Friday. Awesome. I'm so responsible, aren't I?

I'm just glad that David and Cindy are out of town this weekend. Otherwise I would just not get any rest at all again. =P I don't need a repeat of the past few weekends. I'm getting too old and too fat for all of that! But I'm SUPER EXCITED for this upcoming week! My boys are in town and we're gonna have some fuuuuuun! Monday afternoon w/ Cindy and Dougie (and maybe Chris and his brother?). Tuesday w/ Kelsey, Julianne, Ashley & Letty. Wednesday w/ Miguel, Caysen & Amber. Should be WONDERFUL!! I LOVE MY BOYS!! <3<3<3!!!

Dude. I didn't realize how much I've been spending again. Crap. I need to get it under control before I shoot myself in the foot again. I just have to focus on that mini cooper.

tweet tweet. Bochy just got TOOOOOSSSSED!!!! Arguing for Ishikawa (<3<3<3<3!!! Travis is just delicious). That's why I love Bochy ^_^ We won our pennants with him =)

May 20, 2009

Oh man. You shoulda seen us out at the driving range today. More hilarious than last week. It was pretty sad. I'm thinking it was the crowd of people (LOL...not really. there were like 5 other people out there) that got us all nervous and couldn't perform. At least now it only takes an average of 3 swings to finally make contact with the ball! ^_^ We were wondering why it's so much easier to hit a ball flying towards your face at 80mph than it is a ball that's on the ground. stationary. UGH. We just suck that much, I suppose.

Anyhoo... finally picked up my Lancome stuff. YAY FREEBIES!!! Well... I spent enough money there to warrant all the freebies. I shouldn't be allowed near a cosmetics counter any time soon. But we've been over this already so let's not go there.

Last night in a fit of insomnia I watched a couple of episodes of Bones. "The End in the Beginning" was very very good ^_^ I can't wait for the next ep <3 And it really goes to show that when there is chemistry, it's apparent to everyone except the two that are involved. Explains a lot about Nick and I's relationship before the relationship actually began.

Weezer announced the tour dates. They aren't coming to Phoenix, but they will be in San Diego and in Irvine in the middle of September. EXCITING!!!! ^_^ Even more of a reason to go home!!! On the drive back from Biltmore I was thinking of who to bring if I actually got tickets for Weezer here in Phoenix. I would really only want to take one person. But how awkward would that be? But honestly... he's the only person I can think of that would actually appreciate and enjoy the show as much as I would... well... that's here in Phoenix anyway. And it's in September. That's plenty of time for us to mend our friendship, right? I'm hoping it is. Because I'm dying without my best friend here.


I know I should get to bed. But I actuallyl had coffee today and it's keepin me up. In retrospect I think I really should have just had a double tall instead of the quad. Oh well. I'll burn it off eventually. That was the other mistake... didn't use that for the gym either.

Okay... ready? It's TMI time. You can totally just scroll down to the next paragraph. It's a little gross. No really. SCROLL. Anyhoo... I don't know what it is about being at home that makes me not poopy. I ate SO MUCH CRAP!!! And still nada. I kinda couldn't eat as much as I wanted to because everytime I ate to capacity I felt like I would throw it up because there was too much in my system already. But the second I came home, I was all good and gravy in the poopy department. Even more regular than normal. But I guess when you don't go for a couple of days then it tends to build up. EW. Gross. I just thought I would entertain with those thoughts. ^_^ And now back to your regularly scheduled boring update. =P

Kelsey and I decided that baseball is more important than going to the bachelorette party. Better off. Her friends are probably all crazy too?!?! You never know. But neither of us wanted to be in that position to make nice. And the mar is not in a position to spend extra money on someone that she doesn't consider a friend. I think I overdid it on the spending this weekend. And that was just on baseball and food. Can't wait for next week! Another series here in AZ and I'm ready to take on these guys! We've got some freshies from the minors and Greg Burke did wunderbar tonight!

I was on craigslist today just randomly clicking and I found the most entertaining stuff! ^_^ Apparently, there's a section called "missed connnections" that you can post about how you saw/met someone and see if the community can help you find them! LOL! Oh man. It was great! If you have time, I highly suggest reading it for funsies. There's some back-and-forth between people and it's pretty entertaining.

My mom was giving me crap the other day when we are at my cousin's house. Being around my niece really made her want to be a grandma... and her true feelings came out. She was layin it on THICK about how she wants to have grandkids before she loses the ability to run after them. She actually hit me! SHE HIT ME!!!! Because I didn't produce a child in that year and a half that I was married. Oh good grief. PRESSURE! PRESSURE!!!!! LOL... good stuff ^_^ So ofcourse my aunt started getting on my case too about finding another man and shackin up and makin babies. AWESOME. No thanks. I'm still recovering from the loss of our pretend kids (Benjamin James and Brooke Josephine). UGH. Shoot me now please. I can't believe I actually wrote that out! Oh goodness where is my head?

I dunno. I LOOOOOVE being in a relationship. But that wouldn't be fair right now. To anyone. Hard to explain. I need to gather my thoughts before I vent about that whole thing. =(

The weird part? Today on my drive I actually entertained thoughts of mark. Like. As dysfunctional as we were when we were together... that was... well... we could actually make it work if we tried harder. He's matured enough from what I hear/read. But that was just for entertainment. Realistically I don't know if it would ever work out. I'm gonna guess NO. But we'll see what fate sends my way ^_^ Or WHO... I suppose.

May 19, 2009

Back in Phoenix. WAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! -_- I shouldn't complain. I have it good here. But you know what? I have it gooooood in San Diego too! My best friends are there. My family is there. The beach and my life is there. =P But I have a life here too.

I took a detour on the way back home today. Instead of taking all freeway, I took a detour through La Mesa and El Cajon just to do it. I found a few apartments that I woiuldn't mind living in. I'm sure the rent isn't so high either. And passed a few buildings that I will most definitely look into for employment. We'll see what happens, I guess. I still have to go back to school and get my big girl job before I can even think about moving back. My dad was talking to me about buying a house. My cousin Rommel bought a house this past year and we went to visit. It's BEAUTIFUL!!! And totally affordable. I could smell the ocean from his front yard! (Gotta love paradise hills <3) My dad was telling me that instead of buying a car I should put that money towards a condo and get a roommate. But nah. I don't think I could afford that at this point. And really, as stupid as it sounds, my mini cooper is my priority right now. Baby steps. One big purchase at a time, and I want to get the smaller one out of the way first. My Adam is getting a little old and he needs to retire within the next couple of years.

Anyhoo... my drive today helped to clear my head a little bit more. I need these long drives to put things into perspective. Like... a LOT of things into perspective. We won't get into that right now. I need to take a nap and a shower and get unpacked. ^_^ But clarity... it's a good thing ;)

May 18, 2009

So last night was Phils BBQ with Brian, Mike, Jo, and Jo's coworker and her hubs and Butch. That was a really good night. Good food, good company, and good beer ^_^ Brian and Butch (I say "and" because Butch tried to pay for it but Brian wouldn't let him) got a pitcher of Yellowtail which is a lighter beer from a local brewery. It was okay... but you know I like my beer like I like my legs... dark. Jo's coworker Wilma was super cool. She and the hubs are from Atlanta and they're our age. It was good times talking about pager code and singing the GummiBear song and just reminiscing about our youth in general. So that was great times. ^_^ And she got me a drink out of nowhere. That was awesome too ^_^ LOL... anyone that picks up first round is on the good list =)

We were supposed to meet them at Dave&Busters but I got home and PASSED OUT. Between the food coma and all the alcohol, I had no chance ^_^

Anyhoo, I took my mom and dad to the beach today. It was cute. And I forgot how amazing Coronado is. ^_^ But that walk down to the water will mos def wear you out. But good times. We visited my dad's sister and my cousin. Good times there too. Then we came home, ate, watched Scrubs, and I passed out for a good 3 or 4 hours. I keep debating on whether or not that was a waste of time. But it was a great nap! And I'm here on vacation, right?

I had a super weird dream last night. Like, I was at a party or something and Nick and his parents showed up. I gave Nick the "why are you here?" look and the next thing you know, his dad bear hugs me from the side. I was a little scared. But his sister and his mom do the same thing and that's when I was super confused. All Nick said was "You're breaking hearts. They understand now. They've been reading your blog." And that's when my alarm went off. STUPID ALARM!!! But yeah... it was a little weird. And then it had me thinking (cuz I was still asleep) that I haven't written anything sad in a really long time. Right? I don't think I have, but then again you never know.

Anyhoo... speaking of which... I drove out to Coronado this morning. Dashboard's "Don't Wait" was playing while I was on the bridge... followed by Pink Martini. Followed by Dino. That's when I realized that the last time I was on the island was with Nick. That's when it really got to me. I couldn't turn right. I couldn't focus. It KILLED. I was going to go to our spot and take a picture and send it to him. But changed my mind. I don't think my parents would really understand what was going on if I started to break down. So I avoided that spot completely. I'm strong... but I'm not THAT strong. BLAH. I need to stop this. But I don't know how.

On my way back tomorrow morning. My mother convinced me that it would be a very bad idea to miss out on the bachelorette party. =P But you know what? It'll be good times cuz we'll MAKE it good times. =) And if anything... there's a bar underneath. Holler.

It's gonna be tough getting used to not seeing hot guys everywhere. Gotta get used to the uggos everywhere again. DARN. Speaking of.... there was a guy sitting on the beach fully clothed earlier. I looked closer and realized he had his backpack, riding jacket, and helmet next to him. Instant Hot. I realized a few months ago that I have a thing for guys that go fast. Like... vroom vroom fast. aka Hot car or motorcycle. I'm such a sucker.

May 17, 2009

I just realized that you can still access my blog on myspace even if you're not my friend. =P Oh well. whatever.

I gotta say that today was a great day. Funny. And I'm getting to spend quality time with each member of my family. I'm excited for family date night tomorrow! <3 Church with mommy. Driving with Rodel. Padres game and shoppping with Kuya. And Butch and I are on our way to Phils ^_^ My dad and I are supposed to watch T3 tonight. He's excited. That TV is his best friend ^_^ well... that and the MagicBullet. LOL! It's been really good. And the weather has been absolutely PERFECT.

My boys swept the reds!!! WOOOOOOO! And all in 2.25 hours! That's about as fast as Peavy's last game that we lost in the 9th inning. =P He actually pitched the entire game. So does he get the win AND the save? I'm not too sure about that one. Poor Bell. He missed out on a save opportunity. LOL... it was good times with my Kuya. We sat/stood in section 105 and puched 100 AllStarGame Ballots EACH. ONE HUNDRED EACH!!! That's crazy. So we both got free beanies and a NachoLibre SD mask ^_^ Good stuff. Then we hung out in Right field cuz it was too cold in 105 with the breeze and all the shade. I needed to get as much SD sun as I possibly could. You should see my flipflop tan. It's muy bien!

Anyhoo... time for dindin with Butch and Brian and Jo <3 Good times ^_^

May 16, 2009

Okay... so technically, it's the 17th because it's 1:51am right now. but I don't care. I'm gonna pretend that it's yesterday because yesterday was freakin insanity. After I posted the previous last night, my boys beat the Reds! WOOOOOO! So I was pretty excited about that. So I stayed up to watch the remainder of the Mariners vs Red Sox game so I could give Kelsey the run-down of what happened at the end of the game. I could at least do that, right? And we were by ourselves for 4 hours... a play by play would have been a good thing to have in my pocket to talk about ^_^ So needless to say... I didn't fall asleep until well past 11pm. (baseball plus excitement plus Leno equals no sleep!). I had to open the next morning. Did I mention that?

Ah, yes. So I opened. All was just dandy. I love working in the morning because it's such a routine. I had everything done and finished a lot of the admin that needed to be done on Monday. The only exception would be the schedule... but no one really looks at that until the week before and mine are written 3 weeks out. So.... if I'm only 2 weeks ahead... no one is really gonna notice. =) 9am rolls around and I realize that I completely forgot to do the other stuff that needs to be done during the morning (e.g. the deposit, breaks, etc.) we were just having way too much fun =) Then 10:30am rolls around and I SKEEEEDADDLE!!! I drive my butt home, wrap up the cleaning, put everything in the trunk, and I was on my way! Well... had to gas up, find sunglasses, buy water, theeeeeennnnn I was on my way home ^_^

104 degrees the whole way and I didn't want my poor car to overheat so I made do without AC for most of the trip. I was a sticky, smelly mess by the time I got to momma's house. It took forever to get home too because aside from the gas stops, I also had to make a million potty breaks because I was trying to stay hydrated by drinking 3L of water and a couple of quad grande lattes. Not such a brilliant idea... but I was running on low energy. As a matter of fact... I'm getting pretty close to that 24 hour mark as we speak. That's a lot of stuff going on in 24 hours ^_^

So anyhooo. the plan was to meet at the Left Field box office at 6:15. I knew they would all be late. GUESS WHO WAS RIGHT!!! Yeah... so I looked like a doof standing there by myself for a good 20 minutes waiting for these fools to arrive. I don't care. I was HOME!!!! So a couple of rounds at Fleetwood and we were on our way. We started the night with 2 in the bottom of the first. Ofcourse the Reds took the lead. Bottom of the 8th comes around and Ha and I found ourselves pork-choppin some gravy seats next to a couple of gravy guys. I had Billy take turns wearing my rally cap and each time he wore it, my boys delivered and we tied it up. I told him to keep it on until the bottom of the ninth. But I think the luck ran out. So off we went to steal even better seats (namely.. i could TOUCH the visiting bullpen pitchers where we were sitting) and that's where we stayed for the remainder of the game. UNTIL THE BOTTOM OF THE SIXTEENTH INNING. OMG. I lost my voice because I was screaming and heckling and being a downright turd. And my NickyPoo hit a solo shot to end the game. <3 So off we went... to J6 to meet up with E-bear and home at last at almost 2am =) I love this city.

Another reason I remember I love this place? You never really notice how hot everyone is in San Diego until you leave. I mean bygollygoodness the men out here are delicious. And the uggos are just handfulls... as opposed to Phoenix where the yummies are a handful and there are uggos galore! And everyone actually looks put together. There are oodles of nice cars. Dude. I know this sounds completely superficial and disgusting... but now I know why I coulda whored it up during my destructive phase in San Diego and why I really don't want to at all in Phoenix. If I stay here, it could get pretty dangerous. Being out here actually makes me want to date again. But we won't get into that tonight.

I'm pooped. The mar is exhausted and is ready to dream in my old room. Aww... I feel like a kid again <3 The last time I slept in this bed I was devastated because of You.

K. I have a date with my mommy and Father Dennis at 10am ^_^ I'm excited!


Dude. Halfway through that previous post I took an hour and a half nap and I seriously thought I slept until the next afternoon. Something is loopy in the cabeza. I think I'm just excited about going home and I'm not really caring about anything else. Tomorrow I have to finish the DCRs cuz I don't know when I'll be back in Phoenix ^_^ I love it when that happens!

Anyhoo... At the very least, I know my way much better around my tower. I finally called in my tower again. Unfortunately, I had to deal with the call center in India for tech support. So had I not already known how to rip apart my tower and how to access my RAM and all that other stuff, I would have been completely screwed. I couldn't understand a single word that the girl was saying. Thank God I had someone stateside the last time I called ^_^ So they're sending me another box and I'm sending my tower again. =P At least this time I have my lappie (which I've decided to name "Q") to get me through all of it. ^_^ Luckily, the last guy I talked to renewed my warranty. I was looking at the pricing for a refurbished motherboard for my PC and it runs around $375. Which is pretty much what I paid for the thing in the first place... so that would have been a no-go. I think when I get it back, I'm gonna put back the factory settings. All the stuff that Xiong did to it is causing it to act funny. As much as I like all the programs... and I really wish I backed up my itunes... it's just not worth not being able to let it hibernate. I don't want to have to worry about it crashing just because I'm poolside.

Changes in the bullpen again. Hopefully it will make a difference. Usually changes are a good thing for the boys. So we'll see where it takes us. This streak is really starting to get to me. We have to win, gosh darnitt!

So what's left to do tonight? That totally threw me off course with the calling in and the nap. So I still have the kitchen to clean (dishes, mop the floor, trash, countertops, throw away any food that will expire this weekend). The bathroom could use some love (mirrors, sink, floor). And I have a few loads of laundry to finish so that I have fresh clothes when I come back. And I want to pack a little heavy just in case I decide to stay in SD for a few extra days. Which is highly unlikely. Knowing myself, I will be on the road back to Phoenix before 6am just so I can get payroll done. =P But you never know... I'm debating on whether or not I should stay for Family Date Night on Monday night. But... I guess we'll see, right? I really want to see a few people. [sidebar: Scott Hairston is such a stud]

Adrian just hit a SOLO!!! <3 That's motivation to keep on my stuff and get this stuff DOOOOONE! I just got off the phone with Miguel and he's gonna process payroll for me. WEEEE!

I was looking through a disk of photos that used to be on Brian's computer. So like... photos from '02-'05. DUUUUUDE. There was some good stuff on there ^_^ I sent Todd the photo from Mardi Gras a few years ago before I became a partner and right before Brian's review was due. LOL. My 23rd birthday was there. Bay area. man. Just a lot of stuff. That was a very nice half hour distraction =) I miss my early twenties. That was super good times.

I was talking to Kelsey today about our futures. I think it's gonna be a team effort for all of us to grow up. And the fact that we're all rooting for each other to succeed in our personal lives is a testament to how close our store has become in the past year. Granted, we have had a lot of drama... but that's what happens when 14 girls work together ^_^ I love it <3

But yes... they're rooting for me to find a graduate program here in Phoenix. I wouldn't be totally against it. I don't hate it here anymore. As much crap as I've been through... financially it makes more sense for me to stay here. Home is only a few hours away... and realistically... most of my friends have their own things going on, and I have made some really really good friends here. I like my independence. It feels good.

Anyhoo... I should really stop slackin. =) Next post from San Diego?!?!? YAY!

May 15, 2009

I had to date all the syrups 6-15 today. Threw me for a loop. In a month he'll have to be out of his house and out on his own. hm. I wish I could help. But... well... I no longer exist.

I've been such a space case today. I don't know if it's because I didn't sleep enough. Or if it's because I already checked out. Or... I dunno. Whatever.

Jesse called me today at work to tell me his friend was jockin the NewOrleans photos. He said that since I'm officially single that it would be okay. I told him I'm far from ready for all that madness. He brought up Nick. -_- I wanted to die.

Okay. My brain is fried. more later?


ugh. Whole wheat penne in a red meat sauce this late at night was a very very bad idea. My belly looks like something could be growing in there. But ofcourse, it doesn't help that I made myself the fattiest dip ever right after the gym this afternoon. But duuuude.... that was GREAT dip. ^_^ But really.. considering that it's a cream cheese based dip, and it was only like 400 calories for a pretty hefty serving, it's not so bad. That's less cals than a cheese danish. And for the record... those stupid danishes were being shoved in my face all morning and it didn't help that I had a sweet tooth and my stupid Padres were being stupid and I was stressed out because of it.

Anyhoo... let's not talk about baseball. My blood is boiling because of it.

I'm super excited about this weekend ^_^ Padres vs. the Reds with two of my best friends. And maybe a couple of guest appearances. I'm planning to buy a TV when I get home so that my little brother gets the commission. Hopefully he can figure out what's wrong with my tower. I'm sooo over that stupid thing. And I'll be out of the Arizona HEEEEAAAAT!!! So I'm super excited <3 I need to remember to pack tomorrow afternoon. I was thinking of just laying out by the pool. Or maybe catch David for a brewski before he disappears with Audra for an ENTIRE WEEK. (Dude. I'm gonna miss my friend). But I'm most likely gonna end up poolside catching some rays before my long drive on saturday morning. ^_^

OH... and remind me to get gas tomorrow after work. Can you believe I've only filled up ONCE in Phoenix since I came back from Opening day? A FREAKIN MONTH AND A WEEK AGO!!! Dude. Crazy. But if you think about it... I live a mile away from work. I drive maybe 5 miles a day. Then on nights out I drive maybe 10 or 15. Church is only 16 miles away. My tank gets 335-350 miles per tank. And the last time I filled up was like a week after I came home from San Diego. That's crazy. I know gas is cheap right now... so I should really be taking advantage of it.. but still.... LOL... that's good stuff.

I should really attempt to sleep right now. But I just put a load in the washing machine and those dishes are haunting me. Maybe get off my lappie, huh?

One of my neighbors from waaaaay on the other side of the property gave me a high five as we were passing through the gates. ^_^ I must say... that had to be one of the more random moments lately. I don't even know the guy. well... not that I know of, anyway. He looks familiar... but I don't know if it's because I've seen him around the property or if we met at a bar? I dunno. Who knows these days. Everyone kinda starts looking exactly the same.

BAH. I knocked over our framed picture earlier. I haven't really LOOKED at it or your face in a while. Dude. I dunno. FML.

May 14, 2009

Why do my boys hate me?!?! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!??!?! [[LOL... i mis-typed and typed HWY and immediately Rascal Flatts' Life is a Highway started playing in my head ^_^]] And I don't know why Buddy Black keeps putting Duaner in... each time he pitches he blows it. Like... COMPLETELY. I don't think I've seen him pitch without giving up at least 3 runs. Bastard. SEND HIM AWAY!!!!! SEND HIM AWAY!!! We need some offense!!!

I'm very very frustrated with baseball right now. I'm just really glad that everything else in life is not horrible. Otherwise you would find me at the bottom of the river somewhere. Or in some random alley. Or rotting in my apartment. Or something pretty horrible. =P Gruesome.

I was watching Sex And the City last night and it's the last few episodes of the final season. When Carrie is dating the Russian. The particular episode last night was when they had a dinner party at the Russian's apartment with all of Carrie's friends and it's totally apparent that the two worlds don't mesh. It reminded me of my relationship with Pane. It always seemed to be like that. He didn't mesh with anyone in my life. And I wish that my friends were more vocal about how they felt. Even the ones here. I would have had my freedom earlier. UGH. Lame.

Whatever. Julianne and I were talking about it today and it made me realize how much I really like where I am right now. I know it's a few steps behind... but it's a lot of steps forward from where I would be had I stayed in San Diego. At least I learned to stand on my own two feet without a safety net. It's nice. Liberating. It feels AMAZING to be on your own. I dunno... I guess as different as it is than I imagined it... it's still better than I thought. Like... not ideal... but better. Does that even make sense?

Brian made a comment about my playlist being depressing. Whatever. It's not depressing. It's what goes on in my head. It makes me feel better to hear it outloud. And yes, I know he's just trying to help me get the EFF over it already... but it doesn't happen like that. This is me healing in my own way. It's do it this way and just get it all out there, or do it the destructive way and spend all my money, screw up my life even more, and whore it up. NO THANKS. Been there, done that. Lesson learned. (BTW, I still love that song ^_^) I dunno... I'm still waiting on closure and I'm not gonna get it until I talk to him face to face. But I don't think he's quite ready for that yet. And I'm not either.

Anyhoo... that comment caught me off guard. I just don't know what to do with myself lately. I'm already filling my time wisely with activities and with people. I'm trying not to spend too much money. Trying not to drink excessively. I'm doing my best to cope. Yes, COPE. That's what it still is at this point. Listen... when YOU'RE in a big, empty, quiet apartment all ALONE and most of your friends are in relationships or hundreds of miles away.... when just recently you were the happiest person in a wonderful relationship that didn't fall apart but was TAKEN away from you.... then let's see how you cope with it. Let's see if you can be over it in a matter of weeks or days or however long it takes. I consider myself a very resilient person, I think I fare very well with breakups and meltdowns and tragedies and crises. I do. I am a very strong person when it comes to that kind of stuff. It doesn't show. But you know what? I'm broken. So... still not sure what to do with it. Still sorting through all of it. Still figuring out what my next step should be and which direction I should be heading. My confidence is shot to shit because of all this but if you hung out with me or talked to me on the phone you wouldn't be able to tell. It's only been a month and two weeks. I can't believe I haven't talked to him in that long. I really want to know how he's doing. How he's faring.

I think that's the part that kills right now, too. That I don't know. He was one of my best friends here. And to not be able to know that he's okay and that things are going well... I dunno. I dunno. Whatever. I go back and forth on wanting to know and not wanting to know. Between caring and not caring. Oh goodness... i love being a Libra. -_-


This is why I shouldn't CLOPEN. =P I get very distracted. NEW PLAYLIST ON MYSPACE!! <3 LOL... i really just wanted to put up "sinners" by Scott Russo (<3!) [[sidebar:: my buddy Angie got to meet and greet the band! and Got a tour of the tour bus and has tons of party pics with him! She's kissing him! SO JEALOUS!!!]] But it turned out as a playlist. You know how I am. It all needs to tell a story. This one... well... it's not a clear consistent message. More of what I've been feeling lately. Namely... I'm a sinner... save me... but I still feel abandoned... but I'm moving on... but I still can't... cuz I still feel all of this... but I hope you end up okay and that you figure it all out. Yeah... well... in a nutshell that's what the story is.

Listen if you have a few minutes to spare. I tend to use my playlists to deafen the silence. To saturate my life in my emotions. Hey... it's the only time I'm allowed to, right? Well.. aside from on here. But that will change soon enough, won't it?

I had a great time with Lupe and Letty tonight. ^_^ I really do love my staff. =) It's because we all know each other well and all get along SWELL and we all love each other like family (translate: we get on each others' nerves, but it's only temporary ^_^)

I've become obsessed with finding the Weezer "The Good Life EP" It was only released in Japan and no one freakin has it! OR is willing to sell it. I just dropped monaaaaay on a limited edition CD of 5 Live songs. On "The Lion and the Witch". Yeah... i saw that I didn't have a Weezer CD and flipped out. Like.. I have all the songs... but its LIMITED EDITION!!!

kick me in the face. I suck with my money. This baseball and weezer obsession is gonna break me. Let's forget that I just blew a bunch of money on product this past week because I was cruising the counters after mass. =P At least I haven't bought a new TV. That's something I actually have been pretty smart with. I found one that I could actually afford and is a pretty large size... but we'll see what happens, right? LOL... I'm gonna end up with something I don't need... watch... that's what always happens. =P

Dude. I need to sleep. It's freakin 11 already >_< But I put on my bandana and it uncovered our picture.

May 13, 2009

The Mar hurts. The mar hurts BAAAAD!!! Yesterday after the driving range I was a genius and decided that it would be a good idea to hit the gym afterwards. The stupider part was that I thought it would be a good idea to work on obliques, abs, legs and arms all in the same day. UGH. Yeah. I can barely move today. Tomorrow is gonna be even worse. =( I was gonna go do some cardio today, but seeing as I could barely get any work done today... it wasn't gonna happen. I didn't realize how much I've exhausted myself in the past couple of days. ^_^

It doesn't feel like it's only Wednesday. It feels like it's friday or some other day later in the week. Monday I actually worked a full shift. 6am til 2:30... I was supposed to stay until 4:30 but decided to cut out and finish my admin later in the week. So midway through my shift, I sent out a massive text to my girlfriends to come hang out by the pool with me. So 2pm rolls around, I cut out cuz it was SUPER slow and head home. I packed my little cooler full of beer and out by the pool I went. I think Sam, Cindy and I were out in the sun/in the pool for a good 3 hours. That was good times. ^_^ Between the screaming from the bees and the beer-in-the-sun... I was good. I didn't burn which is even better =) Then we head back inside and I start walking off my buzz when I get a call from David. He wants to meet at the Yardhouse, but last minute we decide that it would be fiscally better if I just came over and bring the massive amounts of beer in my fridge. We killed 8 of those beers in just under 2 hours. David is good times. I miss hanging out with him one-on-one. Like I've said in the past... he's my Arizona Brian.

Yesterday consisted of waking up early after a FULL DAY OF DRINKING so that we could get to the driving range before the sun started to kill. WOW. The three of us looked like IDIOTS out there. I'm just glad that there was three of us to diffuse the embarrassment. It was HILARIOUS! I hope Sam sends me the video soon ^_^ All you could hear was *WHOOSH* of the clubs swinging but no ball in sight. That, or you would see the ball jet in the most awkward position. I think we're getting better tho. We decided to make it a weekly endeavor so that in time we could actually do 18 holes without taking an entire week to finish the course. And since I make the schedules and Sam doesn't have school or work all summer long... this is gonna be pretty interesting ^_^

The evening consisted of the gym, happy hour at Buffalo with Cindy and Robbie and me cursing because of how sucky my boys are doing. UGH. Let's not talk about it. But just know that I'm pretty much ready to shoot someone in the face.

I turned in pretty early. 11ish? And didn't wake up til 8:30 this morning. WOW. I didn't realize how crazy it's been the past few days. Sunday was a doozy too. Not really in terms of wackiness... but just a super hot day and too much going on.

Anyhooo.... I get to open tomorrow morning. I'm not too worried about it because I set myself up really super well for tomorrow morning that all I have to do is show up and I'll be good ^_^ Lea called Kelsey and I while we were at the driving range and said that there's a cute, tall customer that told her that he's interested in meeting a single brunette. She told him to start coming in in the mornings. So Kelsey and I have to stay on our toes ^_^ LOL!

Nah. I was talking to Dennis today and he asked me if I was dating. I told him that I wasn't ready to date just yet. It's just been too crazy. Divorce and a pretty devastating breakup all in the span of a month is pretty draining. I don't think I could handle anything more than coffee right now. He told me that I needed to go out dancing and just have fun with my youth. Then he told me to buy a house and stay in the desert. Cute. He's like my nosy little Arizona dad from Jersey <3 Always looking out for me. LOL... he keeps giving me suggestions on how to make customers come in and make business happen for our store. He really cares about us and wants us to stick around. I love that our customers are so loyal to us. <3 It gives me hope for Avondale. ^_^

I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life. I can't find a graduate program and it's starting to get really frustrating. =( I want to start my life already!

May 12, 2009

Last night was awesome. This morning was awesome. Tonight will be awesome. ^_^ I'll update after my awesome workout ^_^ LOL!!! Well... we'll see how awesome the workout will be. I'm hoping to actually get some work done today =P David and I had a talk about the fattie last night. But I really need to get to the gym. More later?

May 11, 2009

Laying out by the pool gave me that confidence boost that I really needed. It made me realize that as chubbalubz I've been lately, I can always be worse. But yeah... I don't look great.. but I could be much much worse. Okay. And it didn't help that I had a few beers and beer always makes me not care ^_^

... oh. And being tan is slimming ;)

My tower crashed AGAIN. Same problem. It's the hard drive. AGAIN. LAAAME!!! This is so freakin STUPID! Whatever. I'm over it. =P It's time for a new tower. Or maybe I should just learn how to build one and then I can freakin fix it myself. -_- I'm over it. There's nothing on there that needs my immediate attention... yes... I have some music on there that I would rather not lose.. but at this point I just don't care anymore. =P I'm tired of dealing with it. UGH. But I'm tired of spending money.

That's part of the reason that I didn't want to go to happy hour today. Because the Sox and the Padres have the night off. Most of baseball does. So it's pointless to go to a sports bar to watch nothing and see no one. So that's why we were hanging by the pool. Because I still have a lot of beer in the fridge and food and why not share the wealth? I told Julianne that she was welcome whenever ^_^

Amanda got the teach for america job! WOOOOOOOO! That alleviates a lot of problems in my store. Just one more pain and we'll be goooooood ^_^ I'm pretty excited! My store is like a freakin family. And without her there, we can be even closer because we don't have to censor anything anymore. <3 HOW EXCITING!!!! Awww.. that makes me not want to leave. =(

Things are slowly coming together again. Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with good friends. For your guidance and strength. For giving me the strength to let go of my frustrations and showing me the kind of love that surrounds me. Thank you, for not letting me give up and for raising my spirits.

I still have a lot to take care of. Still responsible for many things. But it's good to know that I have a lot of support... not just in SD... but here in Phoenix too.

May 10, 2009

The tears came again. It usually comes after communion when I'm kneeling there just praying and having a conversation. I don't know if it's because I miss my family so much and I want them so badly to be close to me. Or if it's because I'm still mourning that relationship. Or if it's because I know I've committed such a horrible sin. Or if it's a combination of all of the above. Or if it's just because I'm there. In His presence. I'm not too sure. I just can't keep them back tho. I'm glad the people around me usually leave earlier than I do. That's a bit embarassing, but I kinda don't care.

Tracy and I decided that we would start being good starting tomorrow. So we both celebrated with a morning burrito ^_^ I'm not going on a "diet"... just being more conscious of what I eat and exercising self control when it comes to eating CRAP. Beer and happy hour will still find it's way in, but it won't be a grease-fest like it has been in the past few months. I think the reason that I haven't budged is because I'll have those off days that I just don't care anymore and eat everything in sight. Then I'll have a few days of being really really good... then KABLAM... another 5Kcalorie day (yes... I've had quite a few of those). Nachos and hot dogs and lots and lots of beer add up. A tall will usually run you about 360 calories, depending on the beer itself... But in general about 320-390 cals for a tall. Then factor in my daily latte (running about 285 cals per day). That's half an hour on the elliptical just for one freakin drink. Is it worthit? I'm not really sure. Honestly... at first I was after the health-factor... but the whole belly-not-budging thing is a little bit more motivational these days. I hate getting old.

Speaking of which... I need to stay away from cosmetics counters =( I ended up pre-saling stuff for Lancome. And I need to call Tonia for my Clinique stuff. =P That stuff adds up. My one order... well... let's just not go there. Tracy already gave me the "stop spending your money and save it for your mini" lecture today. =( At least I know she's looking out for me. AWWW... my store really has become a family! <3

May 9, 2009

I made two of my shifts cry today ^_^ It's a good thing! I left them Mothers Day cards on the back board because they have tomorrow off. It's just a small sentiment of how I really appreciate them. Not just for all of the hard work that they do, but also for what they do for me personally. I told Roz that I look up to her because she inspires me to really work for what I want. Her example shows me that I can do everything and still be amazing at what I do. That there ARE enough hours in the day to do everything and do it well. (I knew it all along... but she's my daily reminder). I thanked Lea for being my moral support while I'm out here. That no matter what the situation is, that she always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better about myself. That she's someone I know that I can turn to if I need anything. So they both called me to tell me that I made them cry. But those two are easy ^_^

Brian kinda got on my case about my eating habits today. I told him about my chili cheese dip that I decided to make after eating taquitos (for the record, it was only 4 taquitos and like a third of a can of chili). I had a parfait for breakfast and an orange and a salad for lunch... so I'm not being horrible. But I do tend to eat the yuck. But then again... if I don't eat the crappy stuff, then my stomach won't be used to it anymore and then that's when all the bowel problems start. I don't think I could ever deprive myself of my cravings unless it was during lent. I love food too much to do that to myself.

But I really do need to lose this midsection. It's ridiculous what happens after 25. It's like my metabolism decided to hit the crapper and give up on me. I still blame it on the stupid depo shot. Because the rest of me isn't getting any thinner. But mid midsection is just gettin bigger and bigger. It's kinda freakin me out. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. I better NOT be because I've been drinking a lot! =( Crappers. But it's just my love handles. And my belly. And my back. You know what? I'm just getting fluffy and soft all over the place =P My face isn't getting fat, so at least I can hide the rest of it. And my ankles aren't swelling and my thighs aren't bumpy so that still gives me passport to wear shorts ^_^. But my arms. MY AAAARMS!!!! -_- As much as I work on my core, my arms, and cardio... I still can't shed this. And I'm watching my calories. I just don't get it. I think it's time for lipo =P JK!!!

So I found a tat that I actually really want. My thing with tattoos is that they're so... PERMANENT. Anyone that knows me knows that I have a thing about "forever." And tats... well.. they're forever. But the one I want is a stargazer lily. I want it on my back... closer to my right shoulder. I still don't know about the details of it. But I decided on my back because that's something that won't expand with childbirth or sag tremendously when I age. And I've always had a thing for lilies... I used to draw them when I was little on everything. So... yeah. I dunno if I wanna do a like a green-green outline or a black. Or how much color to put it. Cuz it would look weird without the white. But I've seen white on other people and it looks scary. I dunno. Guess we'll see. And I just have to muster up the balls to actually get it done. Mar and needles do not get along very well. =P

I was telling Kelsey about the encounter with HotNeighbor today and we started devising a master plan to get him and Cameron to realize that they can both do SOOOO much better. Not that we're better than their current girlfriends... but that they deserve to be with someone that doesn't make them miserable.

Mar of all people knows that you can't stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. It's just stupid.


I went to the gym to burn off some of the frustration and to watch the Dbacks/Nats game to see what happens. Cuz if AZ wins tonight then we would be tied for 3rd in our division. =P But I got a little distracted when HotNeighbor came in in his denim shorts (HAHA Brian!!!) and started talking.

I gave him a funny look because of his shorts and he said that he needed to burn off some frustration too. ^_^ So we started talking and he was telling me how him and his girlfriend broke up his engagement and are trying to work things out. He just wants to go to school and have some fun and work and have some fun. But I dunno... I don't really talk to his girlfriend that often cuz she's never around so I don't know what her side is. But we talked a bit and it was pretty cool. Like... I might actually end up with a friend in this stupid apartment complex. He kept talking tho so I couldn't really watch the game. I was watching... but I missed all the good parts =( At the end of the inning I started to air out my frustrations and he gave me a funny look and it was the "sorry I don't know what you're talking about" face. (The Nats loaded the bases with no outs and only scored one run. lame) So hopefully we see each other more often. Which just means I have to start going to the gym more regularly again. Hey, it's motivation, right? He said he would come visit at the store more often but he really doesn't drink coffee so there's kind of no point.

I bought Carrie Underwood's "Some Hearts" and it sounds like she took all the thoughts that I couldn't formulate into sentences and turned them into songs. ((LOL... remember the scene when Elliot and Dan hook up and JD goes to Elliot's apartment and steals the Dido CD?!!? "If my heart could write songs they would sound like these." I LOVE JD!!)) But yes... my heart wrote songs and conveyed them to Carrie and they're on CD now. ^_^ I love it. It's nuts.... like everything I've been going through lately (with the exception of "Before he cheats"). YAY. New favorite <3

I'm thinking of buying "How I met your mother" on DVD. Are any of the seasons even out? What season is it even on? I know it's been on for a while, yeah? LOL. Dude. Already I'm suffering from Scrubs withdrawal. I need a new addiction. But FRIENDS has been "gone" for years and years and years now and I'm still hooked. But still. I need something to keep me in my apartment locked up and glued to the television so I don't go out and blow my money.

But yeah... the final episode of Scrubs.. that final scene just really killed me. Like... Everything that JD saw in that tarp... How all of his hopes and dreams.... All of that stuff... was all the stuff that Nick and I talked about. The whole wedding thing. I dunno... like... and it's stuff that tortured JD and Elliot throughout the series and to see all of that happening... it just made me start bawling. Like a stupid girl. And it was that feeling... the "LIFE IS HAPPENING HERE AND NOW AND I'M MAKING IT HAPPEN AND I'M HAPPY" feeling. Zach Braff got it down. He finally knew what he wanted and he visualized it... didn't daydream it... it was bigger than his stupid fantasies.... it was real and he could grasp it and taste it and he knew that he would live it. He finally knew what would genuinely make him happy. And he was gonna take it.

That's what killed. Is that we already saw exactly how to make each other happy. Like... our values were there. We had the same vision for the rest of our lives. And now I'm just kind of left with a blank slate. I know that I want to be happy. I know I want to help teach people how to make something of their lives. Help people LIVE their lives. I know I want to have 2 or 3 kids. Want the husband that isn't necessarily perfect... but perfect for ME. The dog and the house and the yard and the summer vacations traveling as a family. I know I want to be somewhere close to the ocean. I want the flexibility to take my kids to day games during the summer. Sundays off so we can go to church as a family. Holiday seasons that aren't stressful because I'm worried about goals and working overtime because I'm still in retail. I know what I want... but now there are so many holes. The details are gone.

I'm just sad because Scrubs is really over (the ending credits, you hear Bill Lawrence say "And that's a series wrap for Zach Braff!" because Zach is done with the show and won't resign.) And the Padres are doing horrible. And I could possibly be stuck in AZ. I dunno.... I need to figure out my life.

May 8, 2009

The Padres suuuure know how to disappoint, don't they?!?! UGH. Seriously? We get that many hits and we can't score a single freakin run. FML. I should really be at the gym right now after eating two giant chicago dogs. I dunno what it is with this hot dog craving right now. I think I'm just seriously needing to go to a baseball game. Dougie said he's going tomorrow. And the Dbacks are gettin whooped by the Nationals (the NATS!! LOL!!!) right now so maybe I'll tag along and see what happens with their new coach and what not. I dunno. I need to go to a game and just feel the excitement buzz through me. I haven't been to a game since the second week of the season and it's killing me! I know it's just been like 2 weeks but still... BUT STILL! I don't think I can wait another 2 weeks to go to another game. =P Although... I will be going to one next weekend. ^_^ I dunno. Don't listen to me. I'm sleep deprived.

Me and Sam and Julianne went for pedis today ^_^ I had a serious itch to get pampered, sent out a massive and got 2 replies. My friends out here really know how to let me down. =( Well... they're just not as impulsive as my buddies back home, I guess. And that's something I need to learn and adjust to. But my toes are cotton candy pink and I love it! After today's triple digit weather... it really feels like a Phoenix summer again.

We made plans to start going to the driving range to get ourselves some exercise, fresh air, and PRACTICE!!! Apparently, me and sam and kelsey all suck at it. So we're all gonna go and look like idiots together ^_^ BTW... I'm really proud of Kelsey. She's finally coming out of her shell and getting out there. =)

Anyhoo... gym time. Remind me to post about Scrubs when I get back. Hopefully David and Audra call so we can go out and play ^_^ So maybe you won't hear from me later =)... that's what I would like to happen anyway =P


Wow. Really? what are the odds of that happening? =P I just finished watching the FINAL episode of Scrubs. I laughed. I cried. Laughed again. Cried again. I need to not write about this right now because I'm gonna cry again. And seriously... I need to freakin go to sleep so I can function tomorrow morning. x_X Good night, folks.


I was really at Target for an hour. Holy crap. And I can't believe I really spent that much. I can usually talk myself out of a lot of things... but not tonight. =P

I walked outside and the big FullMoon-eve-eve moon greeted me with it's bright smiling face <3 Wow. Another complete phase already? My how the time has passed by! It's been a month and 3 days since the last time we ever talked. We were supposed to celebrate this full moon as our first together as me as a "single." huh. Funny how things change in such a short amount of time. We should already have had our tickets booked and our hotel area picked out. My fridge shouldn't be so full of beer. The wine would have been finished by now. But... NOPE!!! Eh... whatevs. My heart is done aching. It's a dull beating now.

I've been trying to watch the season finale of scrubs but it's too SLOOOOOOWWWWW!!! Too many people are trying to watch it right now so I CAN'T. That's lamerpants. (sidebar: the cashier guy at Target got called a "doodie-head" by the SBUX girl! LOL!) I think I'll just watch it tomorrow? Cuz I have a few hours to kill between work and baseball. =P

Speaking of baseball... Cindy and I decided to do a roadtrip out to Cali for her birthday in June. She's never been to Angels stadium, so we're gonna go out there the weekend after her birthday (her bday is on a Wednesday) to watch the Angels play the Padres!!! HOW EXCITING!!! ^_^ And how very very convenient!!! Dude.. if the Sox are there the week of... we're totally gonna be in Cali for a few days! <3 But I'm excited.. the only people I've road-tripped with is family, Brian, and my sisters. So... this should be very very interesting. ^_^

My neighbors are driving me nuts. Someone please kill them. =(


MY BOYS LOOOOOOOVE ME!!!! <3 Ecky hit an RBI single on bases loaded in the bottom of the 10th inning. THEY LOVE ME! They really love me!! <3 And Bob Melvin got the BOOOOOOT today after the game. NUTS!! It's a craaaazy day in baseball! And the RedSox batted in TWELVE runs before an out!! HOLY CRAP!!! What the effff is going on?!?!?!? Nuts, I tell yah. Absofreakinlutely NUTS.

So I ended up going to the gym. After I got home from watching baseball I came home, made myself 2 giant Nathan's hotdogs and covered those bad boys in mustard and jalapenos. Dessert was a yogurt. And afterwards I felt like craaaaap. So instead of depressing myself with a big bowl of ice cream, I decided I would take cramps over calories and dragged my fatass to the gym. The smelly ghetto boys that work out in jeans and dress shoes all came halfway through my cardio and left before I was off the bike (yeah. I was on the bike. I can't do elliptical or the treadmill after two hotdogs and dairy... that's just asking for the toots!) But I feel good. Worked on arms and back afterwards and did a few lunges (okay.. a few meaning one set -_- it's a bit hard after an hour on the bike =P) So... now it's shower time and off to my favoritest place... Target! ^_^ I need to get my mommy a Mothers Day card to apologize for not coming home. And I need to get a salad spinner for a wedding gift. And face wash. Crap. I know I need more than that... darn. I should start writing this down. OOH! Conditioner. And maybe a movie. We'll see, I guess ^_^. Oh. and a laptop cooling thingie. Yeah. Okay. That's it. That's a hundred bucks right there. =P Okie dokie folkies.... keep me posted on what's going on in baseball! <3

May 7, 2009

Wow. Really? I didn't post yesterday? Hee hee ^_^ That tickles me because I didn't step out of my apartment for a whole 36 hours LOL!!! I stayed in bed or bummed around the place for a very very very long time ^_^ Hey... it was my day off... I didn't feel like doing anything. I didn't HAVE to do anything. So I didn't. =)

Anyhoo... I'm still dying of laughter about Manny. WHAT A TOOOOOOL!!! Hahahahhahaha! Kelsey showed me all of her buddies' facebook statuses about him ^_^ Oh man. That's awesome. If you haven't read it... I think you should. It's quite entertaining ^_^ Tool.

I took the "What kind of engagement ring are you" quiz and I got "You are a round solitaire." Which is what I picked out for my first engagement ring ^_^ Well lookie lookie at that. How very very appropriate ^_^ I've thought about my next one. I LOVED my first one.. but my next one I want it to look nothing like my first one. I'm thinking that I'll let the boy sweat it out. ^_^ Is that mean? Well... I've learned my lesson already. Next time around, I'm actually marrying someone that knows me through and through and understands me and knows what I like and what I would love to wear. ^_^ That's not asking too much. And honestly.... I'm gonna be patient this time around. That, you can count on. No. Seriously. And if I don't... please please PLEASE beat me in the head until I get the point.

Just lately... I've been getting back in touch with people that I haven't seen or talked to or heard from in YEARS. Like... almost since graduation. And these are people that I hung out with for most of my high school years. And they're married. Started having families. And I'll see wedding photos... and it makes me want that. With someone that I love that much to make that kind of effort to have a ceremony (in church!) and reception and everything. Because with Pane... I didn't really care. I just wanted to have the title. Wanted to get out of my comfort zone and "start my life" with someone. I was impatient. And I didn't care to think it through. Not again.

So church wedding. Nice reception. The bouquet throwing and first dance and cake fight and everything. ^_^ I'm excited! LOL... but I gotta find a man first, don't I?

I'm still at work. I'm going on 12 hours here ^_^ I opened and I've been sitting here watching the game for a few hours. Cindy came to hang out with me for a bit. Then after this I have some cleaning to do at home and maybe go to the gym? We'll see... I'm starving right now so I kinda wanna eat first. But I know myself that if I eat then I won't go at all tonight. =( It's okay. I'm not THAT fat. Just gross-looking. LOL... I'll blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol ^_^ Gotta love my beer love handles!

okay.... last few minutes of the game. I'll update later <3


A letter from My Sassy Girl...

This is the story of the first and last time I ever fell in love. And of the beautiful, fascinating person that inhabits my soul. I'm pretty sure you're gonna leave me tomorrow so I'm gonna say this while I have a chance. Whether we're together or apart, you always be the man of my life. The only woman I will envy is the woman who wins your heart. And I will always believe that it was my destiny to be that woman. If we never see each other again and you're out walking and you feel a certain presence beside you... that will be me.... loving you wherever I am.

Then it continues with...

And as for the question of destiny... all I know is that even when destiny really wants to accomplish something, it can't do it all on it's own. You still have to go to that restaurant. You still have to show up. You still have to build that bridge... to the one you love.

Somewhere in the middle she says::: "You're wrong cuz time will pass and she'll be fine. Cuz that's the way it works. It has to be. >>>> Some of us are meant to suffer. Some of us are led to believe that we have this certain destiny and it just gets snatched away. But we have to stay alive. Because we have to see how the story ends. Right?"

Her letter went something like this:: All he said was that he was sorry. But that there was too much pain. I was devastated. I couldn't accept it. So I started to drink. >>>> And then I met you. You reminded me of him. You were both strong, and kind and confident... in your own way. I was very sick and he took care of me... like you did. As you and I got to know each other, I felt the cloud lift a little bit. I thought it was because of the similarities between you and him... >>>> All of this was crazy and selfish and wrong. And at a certain point I realized that I didn't like you because of him. I liked you because of you. >>> And for this I needed time. I hope I've healed during our year apart, and that I'm sitting with you while you read this. But if I'm not, it's not because I don't love you... because I do. And it's not because I don't miss you... because I miss you already. It'll just mean that I'm not better, and that the story isn't over yet....

The story is about a crazy girl. And the stupid guy that falls in love with her. She goes through her reckless phase. It all seemed too familiar. All in different times of my life... not just recently. Anyhoo... I recommend the Korean version if you have the patience for subtitles.

Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love..... I wish you a story with a happy ending.... and the wisdom to look for it.

Tonight was a bit uneventful. EXCEPT FOR BRIAN'S WALK OFF RBI!!!!! <3<3<3!! Freakin FINALLY!!!!! Cindy and I had a good talk over a fridge full of beer and taquitos. Then started watching My Sassy Girl and listening to Carrie Underwood.

You came up. =/ I still don't know what to do with this silly heart of mine. I'm not gonna box it up and put it away. I don't want to this time because whenever I do that, I become reckless and heartless and it takes me further and further away from where I want to be.

Will came up too. I guess he's coming back tomorrow? I dunno. I guess we'll see. I have no one to watch the SDvsAZ game with tomorrow. So maybe I'll find out. =/ I can't watch it online cuz it's on FSA. LAAAAAME. So I have to go to a bar. =P

Anyhoo... I'm tired. I should get to bed but these movies are very distracting.

May 5, 2009

I was putting lotion on and realized how gross I've become. Not like dirty or anything... but just fat. Fat and ... well... fat. Out of shape I guess. And Fat. You can never hear enough of that, can you? ^_^ Too bad.<

I'm trying to decide if it's just lack of motivation or what. I dunno. Maybe it's because I'm content? Or not. Maybe just lazy. I can say it's for the lack of trying. I've been watching my diet better. Not to watch calories or anything... I just don't want to die of a heart attack or have a stroke (P.s. having a stroke is one of my biggest fears... inability to use part of my brain?!??! OMG!!!). So I'm doing well nutritionally. I'm wondering if it's the stupid depropovera shot that's making me fat. I've been exercising. And my calories stay under 1700 per day. So in theory... I SHOULD be decreasing? Yes?

BUT NOPE! Not a lick. Stupid shot. I don't even need it anymore. Stupid shot.

Anyhoo... I've sunken into baseball depression. After last night's game I'm in a slump again. =(

I've been on facebook lately. I found a lot of old friends from high school and college that I've lost touch with. I know they're on myspace... but myspace I use for Phoenix friends. And facebook... I'm actually in the loop again when it comes to my sorority sisters and my HS buddies. See what they're doing and what they're up to. It's nice. It's like text but at my own convenience ^_^ It's weird seeing who everyone married. And like most of my graduating class married people from '98 or '99. It's WEIRD. I think it's weird because the people I stayed close to or kept in touch with throughout the years actually went to college and partied and lived it up instead of getting knocked up. Not that it's a horrible thing... I have to give them credit because they look genuinely happy with their lives.

I feel a bit left behind.. But I really don't. I had a lot of fun in my years. I'm still having a good time trying to figure out what to do with my life. There have been a lot of detours. A LOT of detours. But you know what? I've made my choices and I'm happy where I ended up. I can't imagine if I had done the settling down thing and already have kids. I mean.. okay... I did the settling down thing... but I never actually settled down, you know what I mean? I TRIED. I genuinely tried to make it work. But you can't force something that was wrong from the beginning.

=/ I do want all of that stuff though. I was looking through some friends' wedding pictures and I just thought... see... I want that too. But with the right person. With someone that is my best friend and my everything. Someone that can make me happy FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Someone I can build dreams with. Someone I can grow old with, grow up with, and live a life with. Someone I can share my passions and my fears and my crazy with. Someone that accepts me and challenges me and digs deeper and loves me unconditionally. That's the kicker... the UNCONDITIONALLY part. I've been loved. But I'm not sure it's been unconditional. Okay... I have been before. But it wasn't with The One. You know who the perfect man is? I do. It's an odd combination of things. But bits and pieces, I already know. Isn't there a "Build-a-Man" workshop I can go to?

Okay. Seriously... ((you can stop reading at this point. Because if I were you, I really would)) If you take Nick's body. And his heart. And his smarts. And his faith. And his dreams. Then you mix in Brian's dedication. And his heart. And his SPIRIT. And his love of life. And his passion for baseball and food (and drinks ^_^). Then you mix in Chris (China)'s ambition. His accomplishments. (lol and his bank account). His sense of humor. And his face. And his intelligence. Then sprinkle in Mark's taste and his style and his charm. And you have Mar's perfect man. Ofcourse... a lot of their traits overlap in each. Which would be why I love two and still can't stop thinking about the other two.

And there it is. I have officially become hopeless. I just built the perfect man in my head. I doubt that he's out there. But hey... you never know, I guess. I should really look up China ^_^

May 4, 2009

My mom called me this morning because she was worried about me. Apparently, the losing streak that the Padres are on was on the news while she was watching, and she was worried that I would be depressed. I told her that I was holding up. HOW CUTE!!! Awww... my mommy knows me so well ^_^ I think she finally realizes how obsessive I can get. [sidebar: she also told me to be more understanding about Pane. She knows I bounce back fast and made it sound like it's a bad thing =P] Anyhoo.... the fambam is planning a trip out here soon. I dunno what to tell them because I have the schedule written through the end of May already (yes... believe it or not... it's FINISHED! WOOOOO!)

I was watching Fever Pitch yesterday afternoon (the other reason I couldn't sleep when I got home) and it made me laugh. Made me cry. Made me realize the hilarity of the obsession. LOL... I remember actually busting out the Padres schedule out of my wallet when we were at Hells cuz Nicci brought up hanging out on a certain weekend. I had to check to see what time first pitch was so that it would be okay. She brought up a Vegas trip and I had to check to see which series I could possibly miss. I know it's early in the season... but my boys need support =( But TANGENT!!! LOL! I told Brian that I feel bad for Jo and whoever my next boyfriend is. Because really... everything depends on baseball. Who we're playing, where we are in the standings, EVERYTHING. The obsession has progressively gotten worse. =P Kelsey and I were talking about how appropriate it would be to have a room like Ben... you know... like a team gift shop. I would LOVE IT. I've had the "grown up" bedroom and I didn't enjoy it much. Right now because I'm single I can be greedy and make my room look however the heck I want!! ^_^ But I guess given my current financial situation... the Padres dream room is gonna have to wait. In time... just accumulate stuff along the way, yes?

p.s. I LOVE JODY GERUT'S up to bat song <3

I'm wondering what's going through your head. I think I know. But I think you're just stuck in the middle. Wondering what's going to happen to you. Wondering what's going to happen because of what's already happened. I know it's hard. People keep telling me to listen to my heart. But I know it's easier said than done. I know where you stand. I know that you take that position because of how you've grown up. I'm not by any means going to try to convince you otherwise. I want you to do what truly makes you happy. If that means forgetting, then so be it. It's something that I have to accept. I understand what you've been taught and told and in what direction you've been guided. I just hope that deep in your heart and soul that you really believe in your decision to keep on this path.

See, the thing is.... As screwy as all of this has been... As painful as the past month has been... As much as I want to wish that we never split up... I know it's all been for a reason. God has a plan. Part of His plan was to bring me back to Him. I don't know what his plan is for you. I hope that things are working out (... well... as well as they could be in this situation) just as well for you. I hope you're learning from this. I hope you're growing from this. Well... I know you're learning and growing. I just hope that you're growing and learning in the direction that YOU want to go.

And on some level, I know you don't like when I do this. When I talk to you this way. But honestly... these are my thoughts. This is my journal. You knew that from the beginning. You know I don't censor here. This is where my thoughts go. This is the reason that I can maintain my sanity. I let you in, but I'm not going to stop writing and venting on the off chance that you still read this.

And to answer your question... I still do. And ofcourse I wonder if you do too. I talked to a few people. I read a lot of what has been written. And I know that I shouldn't have. I know that it was wrong at the time. But you know what? Now... I have every right to. I'm not going to force myself to stop anymore. That would cause me more pain. I'm just going to let it be. And if I fall out, then I fall out. If not... then I don't. That's not for me to decide. I've been through enough to know that it's not something that I can control. I've learned enough to know that fighting it makes it worse. It makes it more confusing because I'm forcing myself to feel something that I don't really feel. I trust my heart. I trust my head. And I know better to let them do what they are meant to do. One to feel. And one to rationalize. Two separate entities.

Now I'm just babbling. It's the lack of caffeine. And we just lost because the Claw gave up a grand slam to give up our lead. LAME. -_-

May 3, 2009

So last night was INSANE!!! So after my lack of sleep yesterday, David and I decided that we would cut out after an hour or so. YEah.. we forget that if you ever put David and I in the same bar, you know it's gonna get craaaazy! So after round one, we decided to take a shot. Then another. And another beer. I remember 3 guinness. I remember a bud light (EEEK!!!). I remember a Newcastle. I remember taking an irish car bomb with David. Then one with Chris. Then another with Will? There are pictures. I was going through my camera this morning and there are a lot of very um... inappropriate (?) pictures. LOL They'll be on myspace and on shutterfly. It's David, me and Cindy. It's gonna be nuts. I love those two so much ^_^

So after we closed down Hells Half Acre, we ended up at Audra's place. Then we ended up at Dennys. Then 20minutes before I have to OPEN MY STORE... we leave. So ofcourse I'm late. Tracy and Lupe got a kick out of it tho. But mar is freakin TIIIIIRED!!!! The night before I only slept for 2 or 3 hours because we were out being stupid. And I didn't get to take a nap all day yesterday. And I took a nap at Dennys (for like... 45 minutes?) I'm BEAT. I've slept 4 hours in the past 60 hours. =( And now that I'm in bed, the game starts in 10 minutes and mass starts at 5.

OMG. I can't believe I drank that much. It was the 151. And the jager. And the rumplmintz. UGHHHHHH. Me and david need to stay away from each other. =P

I don't know how it came up, but David and I were talking about me and Nick's situation. And he just says "You guys need to grow up. Just talk to each other." And I thought about it. And it makes sense. BUT.... I'm taking Nick's cues. We're gonna go at his pace. =/


Dude. I've been trying to sleep so i can go out and play tonight. NOTHIN. This is booty. And the SDvsLA game starts in an hour. UGH. Laaaamerpants. Anyhoo... Pane gave back my Bible ^_^ I'm excited. [sidebar: I was driving next to a Lotus today =9 and the new Camaro is freakin sexy!]

So today at work the filtration system decides to blow up. Floods my back room and gives me a dirty-water-shower. I had to climb up a wobbly ladder to stand on a small, slippery, soaking wet ledge so that I could unplug the thing that's spewing water at me. So not only will I die a slippery death and smell like wet towel/wet dog... I will also be electricuted along the way. FABULOUS!!! So after I stop the flooding, we had to tell all of our customers that we could only serve Frappuccinos and Iced Coffee because we had no filtered water. AWESOME. You can just imagine how well that went, huh? So not only am I tired, semi-hungover, under-caffeinated, and riddled with guilt with the stupid drunk text from last night... but I also had to deal with this mess (and work with a cranky sick person). Wow. Today was just FABULOUS. Wouldn't you agree?

BUT... God provides. I prayed that he would make my day better. And he did. After work I decided to pick up the UPS package from the front office and they informed me that I won the early bird drawing... which knocks $200 off of my rent next month ^_^ I also get a credit for the garage for this month. YAY! So I was excited. That means I don't have to worry about paying for my anatomy class because I can just use that rent money =) YAY! Hopefully I'll still qualify for tuition reimbursement with Starbucks. I'll just say it's towards a biology degree. Guess we'll see, right? I need to get on it tho. But if I do get that... YAY! That means more money for a down payment for my mini cooper ^_^

I also applied for a best buy card just for kicks and got approved. So I think I'll treat myself to a new TV cuz Pane took the bigger one in the living room. ^_^ Is that such a smart thing to do? I need to get on my citizenship papers too. =P Oh money money money. I've been much better with it.. but still slackin on the saving part. C'mon mar... get on it. You're so CLOSE!!!

I still need to figure out how I'm gonna pay for grad school. Crap.

May 2, 2009

Forget that that was totally stalker status. How crazy have I become?!?!?! -_-!!! THIS IS BAD!! BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD.

I need to detox. I need to just run away. I need... I need to bury my heart so that I can't feel it anymore. Screw loving people. I was better off a cynic.

But that's not me. UGH. I just don't want to be that destructive person that I was in the past. I haven't destroyed anything yet. So I just need to stay on that path. Everything has been positive lately. Like... I'm taking the right steps instead of going down the wrong path like in the past.

It's just so much easier to be destructive. The pain doesn't get to me when I'm self destructive. It doesn't hurt as much. It just gets dulled because there's too much of everything else that's going on.

This is killing me.

May 1, 2009

Okay. I'm a liar. It's technically the 2nd already. But I don't care. It's freakin 2am. and I just got home. Because Cindy is awesome and she loves me and by default Chris has to love me too. (LOL!!! harharhar relationships!!!)

I drunk text nick again. FML!!!! I'm such a douche. Sorry nickie. I really didn't want to. It kinda happened on accident but not really. i was just gonna send it to colleen and to brian as defaults but i sent it to you in a drunken stupor.

Chris was on a mission tonight to hook me up with his brother. A little awkward, but thank goodness for great beer and BASEBALL!!! And brian for calling and for David for texting. I think he got the message that I'm not interested. Not just in Will... but in anyone. At all. Clearly.

I dunno. I've hit that wall again. Just when I thought I scaled it and everything was good and dandy.. *BAAAAAMMMM!!!!!* Cigarette cravings and all. FML.

I got to play with Caysen and with Carter!!! Cutest things EVER!! I'm gonna steal Caysen. I'm sure Miguel wouldn't mind. He's my little buddy and he loves me! <3 And holy crap carter is freakin HUUUUUGE!!!!

BTW... I approached one of the BWW managers today and he knew exactly what I was gonna ask. Is that sad? Or is that good? =P Gottta love it. UGH. I need to sleep. Thanks Newcastle. And Guinness. And Sam Adams. And Killians. And... well... lots and lots of sake bombs later. The mar needs to cuddle.

Which.. BTW.. you would be very proud of me. I've had plenty of chances to whore it up lately and I've been very very good. UGH. remember the days when a good lay would do the trick? A good lay, a cigarette, and all the pain would go away. Take those away and all i have left is...

well... I guess I'm not that girl anymore.

miss something???
check the April archives