Dear Harvey

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Dear Harvey –Advice Column 11-5-2002

Acknowledgements: Thank you pitdog, StarsGoBlue, Reefrunner, and Peacekeeperchuck for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.

Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.

(I’m still here and still publishing directly from Moya’s neural cluster)

Dear Harvey,

My wife ran off with the cable guy. She said he looked just like John Crichton.
She also took our dog.
My question to you is:
a) who is John Crichton?
b) why do I miss my dog more than my wife?
c) the cable guy never hooked up the cable-should I call and ask for another one to come out. Or should my new girl friend call?
Sincerely,
missing Rusty the beagle and pining for cable.

Dear missing,

How can you possibly not know who John Crichton is and know about me? We are practically one and the same! (Well, we were up until just a few weekens (weeks for erplings) ago. We shared the same body.)

But, I’m much better looking than he is, if I do say so myself. There is simply no accounting for taste as evidenced by your wife lusting after a Crichton look-alike. That was a terrible thing for your (ex) wife to have taken your loyal and loving dog, Rusty. It makes perfect sense for you to be longing for your dog, as he didn’t make the decision. I’m sure he is pining for you. You have a girl friend so you don’t need your ex.

You call the cable company and request a female cable guy.

                          ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

Just because I am a girl and smart, the species around me keep telling me to go away or shut up. One even called me a "nerd," which I did not understand (my brain cannot tolerate translator microbes) but am convinced was not complimentary.

Do you think they are jealous of my tight red curls? My tight red body? My brain? My unparalleled knowledge of leviathans?

How can I get them to treat me with the proper degree of respect and awe?

I await your *immediate* reply.

S.S.

Dear S.S.,

First, let me apologize for not having responded before now, but what with all the goings on, the e-mail, etc., I find the soonest I can get back to you is a monen (month for the erplings) since you wrote.

Nerd? Are you sure you are worthy of being a Nerd? That was a compliment! The body I shared was that of an erpling, and Nerd was in his vocabulary, and I assure you he only used it with the most deference and awe.

So, it seems you don’t know everything there is to know, after all. You are not worthy being dubbed Nerd. It is you who have to measure up.

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey:

I'm a young Kalish female, considered by many males on my home world to be quite attractive. Currently I'm on board a ship of escaped prisoners, so my opportunities for male companionship are somewhat limited. My problem is, I'm attracted, not by the superficial characteristics outside, but by the quality of a male's mind, and there are two males among my shipmates who fit that criteria. Neither are of my species, although one comes from neighboring space, and the other is from so far away, no one knows where his planet is. Both are obsessed with wormholes. How do I choose between them?

Signed,
Divided

Dear Divided,

Why choose?

Alternate.

That way, where one may fall short in one area, the other may well be conversant.

Lay out a schedule and share it with both of them so that there are no conflicts. This will aid them as well, because each will know when each calendar is free for other activities.

And if they are as intelligent as you say they are, they would probably be able to assist you with the schedule if they know about the arrangement.

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey,
As Napoleon put it, rascality has its limits, but stupidity has none.

De Gaulle was quite correct when quoting that the graveyards are full of indispensable
men.

Anger and hate and so much better then love and friendship. We constantly lie to our lovers and friends to protect them and ourselves. The honesty that goes along with being enemies is safer. Purer.

Your so called friends will hurt you just as much as your foes. Only you have to take your friends weak attempts at apologies instead of ripping their eyes out with your teeth like you can do to your enemies.

I hear that's it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in the flap-jaw space with the tuning fork-does a raw blink on Hara-Kiri rock.

Honestly though haven't you responded to enough e-mails.

Don't you have anything else to do with your time?

Look it the mirror, look in the mirror....

I need scissors! 61!!

Cinte D'eht

Dear Dentic,

So you think you are being clever disguising yourself by reversing the spelling of your name and throwing an accent mark in it to make it look exotic! Plus, you can’t even reverse the letters correctly; it should be Citne D’eht, not Cinte D’eht.

And on this false bit of logic, you assume that you should give me advice. A pox upon you, little Dentic.

It is you who does not know what to do with his time.

Yevrah (two can play at this game!)