Dear Harvey

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Dear Harvey - Advice Column

Dear Harvey –Advice Column 11-11-2002

Acknowledgements: Thank you Lassivorc, Peacekeeperchuck, Sun_Aeryn for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.

Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.

(I’m still here and still publishing directly from Moya’s neural cluster)

Dear Harvey,

You wouldn’t have respected me!

Or rather, Scorpius wouldn't have respected me, if I hadn't attempted to kill him with the karat creatures! Predictability enough, the attempt failed. Fate always seems to intervene and save you from numerous deadly attacks! I'm well aware of this. It was almost like a coy flirtation, don’t you think? Anyway, I DO appreciate your giving Scorpius a good word on my behalf! You are a decent and kind soul, Mr. Neuralclone!

Mistress Natira

Dear Mistress Natira,

Why thank you mistress. I do my best.

But tell me, what makes you think that Scorpius would not respect you if you had not tried to kill him? But, point well taken, I am sure he will relish being able to see and touch you once more. He is such a forgiving person, not one who would seek revenge against one who tried to kill him, but rather see it for what it was, merely an exuberant example of your teasing and flirtatious behavior.

Think nothing of it, my dear, I will contact Scorpius immediately to let him know that you are planning on dropping by next time you are in the neighborhood. I am sure he will be thrilled to see an old friend such as you.

______________________________

Dear Leather Fairy,

Bright, white teeth are a many wondrous things.

If your body is your temple, than your teeth must be the gates of your soul.

BeLIEve me, I've seen more beautiful smiles worn by Komodo Dragons after they've gorged themselves on a rotting carcass, than that squalid orifice that you call your mouth!

Never fear, I the Tooth Fairy will help rid you of your dental problems!

-Take the enclosed section of dental floss and wrap it around your middle finger and draw tight.

-Slide floss between teeth, curving around tooth as you gently scrape between each tooth and gum.

Now isn't that easy?

You really should find yourself a good dentist though, then again I would be very happy to pull your rotten teeth out with a rusty pair of pliers!!!!

I hope that you enjoyed the flavor of the dental floss. I'll just let your guess of all the place I put it into before I sent it to you!

I see a red door, and I want to paint it black....

The 'New' Tooth Fairy
-or-
The Dentic

Dear Dentic,

So now I’m the Leather Fairy? And you obviously do not appreciate my gorgeous teeth. And in spite of what you may think, neither my teeth nor my mouth is in any danger what-so-ever.

Obviously, there is no accounting for taste. I’ll have you know that my choppers are the envy, yes envy, of most sentient species. Not only are they beautiful to see; but, they are also self cleaning!

My teeth are so precisely crafted, that food never gets caught in between them. My biologics are so pure as to prevent any tartar from even thinking of forming.

Far from being squalid, my friend, my mouth is like a breath of fresh air, springtime breezes smelling of lilacs and honeysuckle do not hold a candle to my breath.

And the last thing I need is dental floss from anyone, let alone from the likes of you.

______________________________

Dearest Harvey:

Just wanted to ask your advice on something. See I'm a Scaper, but I've chosen not to spend much of my time fighting to save Farscape (you do know about its cancellation, right? If you don't...I'm sorry to be the one to tell you. Please don't hold it against me) from being lost forever. I have different priorities in my life...like trying to build a better relationship with my boyfriend and work. I just don't have the time or energy like some of my other Scaper pals do. Yet some Scapers seem to think that because I have choosen not to do this...I am not a Scaper. I say that's bullshit. A Scaper is ANYONE who watches the show, at least it is in my mind and I have a feeling in all those fans who don't even come online, but watch the show.

After that longwinded explaination, my question is this. Do you think I'm a "real" Scaper? Thank you for your time and wisdom...even if I don't always agree with you. ;)

Sun_Aeryn
aka by some, The Fake Scaper

Dear Sun_Aeryn,

Of course everyone is...

“Cancelled!!!! Ack! What do you mean? Cancelled? They can’t do that!!! I was promised that no harm would come to ME!!! Pilot! Pilot! Have you heard? What is this about being cancelled?” I fairly screeched at Pilot through the neural cluster.

“Arrghhh! Stop that screeching, Harvey. Yes, I meant to tell you about the cancellation, but...” Pilot stated to explain.

“Why haven’t you told me? What am I, a cipher? Just because I don’t presently have a body you think you can keep this from me?” I interrupted Pilot.

“Oh dear, oh dear. I am sorry Harvey, but all this was on a need to know basis, and we really didn’t think you needed to know. However, there are quite a few scapers who are working feverishly to un-cancel Farscape. We just need a few more people to watch this show in January and all will be well.” Pilot tried to console me.

“How many more people, Pilot?” I asked.

“Actually, two, if my sources are correct, Of course, they have to be the right two people, else we need two hundred thousand more people.” Pilot explained.

“Which is it? Two or two hundred thousand?”

“I’m not sure. This is all very confusing, this erp rating system is more than my brain can handle, so I guess we need two hundred thousand, to be on the safe side.” Pilot demurred.

Okay Fake Scaper!

How can you possibly think you are a real scaper if you have NOT devoted your life to saving ME? What? You are not spending 24/7 on making sure I am okay, and will survive?

Your work and your boyfriend are nothing compared to me! How dare you put them ahead of ME!!!

I will hold you personally responsible for getting an additional two hundred thousand people to watch the show in January. You have your marching orders!