XanFactor.Tk

I’m tired… So, tired… I can’t do it anymore… no longer… I need to stop… stop pretending… stop refusing not to feel… I need to admit to myself that I’m hurt… I need to take a breather and cry… I need to cry… feel the pain… the hurt… I need to cry… or at least be in rage… be mad… angry… vent out!

I think I deserve so…

Actually, what hurt me is not being let down… It was not he dumping me… Well, I was kind of expecting it, so I know… I said goodbye… and my confession to him wasn’t actually a proposal… It was just letting him know so… Not that I wouldn’t be fine if he took it as a proposal and accepts it… But, it wasn’t… at some point I even think I wouldn’t like it both if he accepts and say he loves me back—what then? What I hated was he pretending I don’t exist… That’s what hurt me!

Friday before, I wasn’t feeling well… I got a fever for crying out loud! I was chilling! I told you this stuff… But still, I went because I miss him… I wanted to see him… I wanted to know how he was doing… And what do I get? I get a cold shoulder! If I hadn’t said hi and asked him how was he, he would have not said anything to me! Actually he didn’t say anything, he just said okay with the use of his hand and assumed I have HIV!

Then Saturday, at Degree’s Anniversary, he ignored me all together. As if he doesn’t know me. As if I didn’t exist! What was that all about? He just walked pass me! Like I have slept with him already and what lousy shag I was! Damn it! We had not shag nor did I ever make a move on him! And oh by the way, I am quite confident I’m good in bed!

Who does he think he is!?

I had never met anyone as self-absorbed as he is!

Self absorbed? I was shaking when I told him I was in love with him. He knows so! He was the one who pointed out to me because I didn’t realize I was that scared! All I know was I was scared and couldn’t say it… And how is this for self-absorbed: he guessed that what I wanted to say but couldn’t say and was making me tremble was I-am-in-love-with-you? And it doesn’t end there!

Yes, there’s more!

While I was having a melt down, he was anxious to leave. Not because he was uncomfortable. No, I don’t think that was it. He was anxious to leave, and he said so, was that because his boy toy was suppose to be waiting for him upstairs! And capping it all up with, “I love you as a friend”! I-love-you-as-a-friend? He would have went on pretending I don’t exist if I hadn’t cornered him! Come on!

That was the biggest insult of the night, he assuming I am that stupid to believe that! Why would he say so if he had not thought I would fall for it!

God!

Then he was preppy all night… okay, in those two-three times I have seen him because for some reason, I kept running into him… Even when I went the entertainment area already, he was there with his boy toy! As if there was no better spot than where I was that they have to be there! Told you, life’s a bitch!

He was preppy. I was at the lockers, seated at one of the bench, contemplating on where to go because I don’t want to go home yet as I thought that meant alone in my room, which would make it easy for depression to get a grip of me. So, I was sulking in the lockers when he came—I guess to get something. Saw me. He was smiling, then happily asked me, what’s the matter?

What’s the matter!? You just dumped me, you bozo!

The thing is that I was fine. I was okay. I know the rule. I was to abide by the rule! The rule: one doesn’t go looking for love in Degree. You do Degree to get laid. One should never do Degree expecting to find something more! You go to Degree to mingle, shag or whatever but everything stays there! I abided on that rule. But then he had to smile at me! Talk to me! And be oh so nice! Damn it!

I didn’t ask for this… I didn’t ask for this… I didn’t ask for this!

I didn’t ask for this… I didn’t ask for this…

I didn’t ask for this…

The worst part is… despite everything… I’m still hoping… Hoping he’d change his mind, realize that he loves me back… despite everything… I still love him…

…

I fucked someone that night… It wasn’t out of anger to Nick… I was down, he was there… he wanted me… got me to a room… I fucked him… I managed to get it up… but I wasn’t feeling it… I felt nothing… I didn’t orgasm… I tried… The guy tried to make me… In the end, I know I couldn’t… That was the first time that shit happened to me… Funny, isn’t it?

I better go now… I need to get pack already… flights tomorrow morning…