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Joke Collection #29
A scientist was successful in cloning himself.
He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The
meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone
sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending
a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.
"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word,
the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "he's an ASSHOLE!". The crowd
began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "sit down and
shut-up!". Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My
fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this
dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent
SON-OF-A-BITCH!".
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out
of the window.
The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New
York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired.
The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest
you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What
fell from the window was a clone, not a person.". The attending scientists
nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we can not let
this heinous act go unchallenged.".
The police chief thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for
"Making an obscene clone fall..."
Rich and Tony were shooting the shit at a local bar in Ft. Lauderdale
and having a few beers recounting old times when the call of nature
caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation.
But Tony could hardly ignore the fact that Rich was very well endowed.
"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy," Tony
was prompted to remark.
"Wasn't always that way," replied Rich. "Medical science can
do wonders with transplants these days," he said. "I got this
done over in Coral Springs. Cost a thousand bucks, but
as you can see, well worth every cent."
Tony was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and
drove to Coral Springs first thing in the morning.
It was a good six months later before he ran into his old
friend once again and Tony could hardly wait to tell him that he
had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.
"But Rich, I will tell you something else," said Tony. "You were
ripped off in the price.
I got mine for $500, not a thousand."
Rich could hardly believe it. Same address in Coral Springs,
same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he
asked Tony if he could have a look.
Once more they lined up at the porcelain and when Rich took
a peek over the partition, the worried frown which had creased
his face disappeared. "No wonder," he laughed. "That's my
old one!"
THE FACTS OF LIFE
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with..
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends.
If they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
to others.
Richards Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because
the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to
be on your way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left
them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be
evenly distributed.
Psychiatric Hotline
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.
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