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Dear Harvey –Advice Column 12-3-2002

Acknowledgements: Thank you BKTheIrregular, gbbarb, Kazbaby, and Reefrunner for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.

Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.

(I’m still here and still publishing directly from Moya’s neural cluster)

Dear Harvey,

About a year ago, I met this gorgeous Luxan who seemed too good to be true; I finally had to throw a tantrum before he would sheath his Qualta blade within me and prove to me he was real. Since then, we have developed a marvelous bond.

The only problem is, other people insist on intruding! I've let him know that he's the only one for me, but his friends, male and female, insist on laying hands on me, even using his DNA to fool me into thinking they are him, my one and only!

How can I make him understand I want this to be an exclusive relationship?

Sincerely,

Lo'La

Dear Lo’La,

Simple, just tell him. Plant you feet flatly and tell him that if he loves you as you do him, then you will not let anyone else touch you.

Furthermore, if he continues to spread his DNA around (eeew! How disgusting.) leave him immediately. He is only an opportunist taking advantage of you. You can do better.

                          ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

My computer's hard drive keeps getting sucked down a wormhole leaving a blank screen behind. Are the Scarrans or Peacekeepers trying to steal my data or is there another evil villain out there trying to drive my crazy.

Thanks

gbbarb - who is tired of talking with the Dell technicians

Dear gbbarb,

Yes.

That can be the only answer. Be very, very careful. I think Dell is a special super secret branch of either the Peacekeepers or the Scarrans. It makes little difference; you wouldn’t want to meet either in a dark alley.

Oh, and thanks for the heads-up about the Dell’s trying to sneak in the back door to steal the wormhole technology.

‘My goddess! First there were the Peacekeepers, then there was the Scarrans, then the Nebari, not to mention the Halosians, and what not, now we have to worry about the Dells? I’d better warn Pilot.’ I thought.

“Pilot, what do you know about the Dell’s?”

“Nothing, why do you ask?” Pilot queried.

“I got an e-mail and it seems they are after the wormhole technology too. I only know their species name, Dell.” I said to Pilot.

“Thank you for the warning, Harvey. I’ll add them to our data banks. It would be nice if you were to stop by and chat some, it is rather boring for us to have to sit around and wait for Crichton to pop up.

“Yes Pilot, but I’m busy with my column right now. Later.”

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey:

I am starting to miss our conversations about life and love. I never realized until I was floating out here that sometimes your help was invaluable. Do you think there is anyway we can resume our 'friendship'?

Signed,
Earthboy

Dear Earthboy,

What is this, some kind of sick prank? The only Earthboy I know is John Crichton, but he is missing. (‘goddess, I do miss him terribly. We are soul mates. How could he abandon me like that?’)

Oh, I get it, you’re from Yale, are you not? Well, get a life buster, because if you were really John Crichton and could find your way to e-mail me, then you’d also be able to find your way back to me.

                        ______________________________

Dear Abbie,

I'm a college freshman living in a dorm. My roommate asked one night not long after she moved in if she could borrow one of my sweaters, and I said yes. She's been borrowing my things, without permission, ever since. I can't get her to stop. How do I convince her to respect me and my property without making the rest of the school year unbearable? Switching rooms is out of the question.

Signed,
Perplexed in New York

Dear Perplexed,

Before I give you the advice you need, I must tell you that my name is Harvey, not Abbie. Anyway, I know just the thing you can do. It will mean you must sacrifice something of yours.

Here is what you do, pee but DO NOT FLUSH. Then wash this article of clothing in the toilet WHILE YOUR ROOMMATE IS WATCHING! To make sure you have her attention, tie her to the plumbing while you are doing this. I guarantee, she will never “borrow” anything of yours again.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Oh, wait a minute! I seem to have missed one e-mail.

You have won a fabulous Caribbean cruise! Spend three luxurious nights on the Pretense Line ship Sea Sprite. Visit duty-free ports in exotic locales. To claim your prize, call 1-800-555-2743, ext 51, between 8:00am and 5:30pm, EST, or visit our web site at www.pretensecruises.com and click on "Winner!" Have your special code number handy. (275K4016DL5)

Must provide own transportation to the port of embarkation. Offer only valid for next thirty days.

‘WOMEN! I get to see WOMEN!’ what a piece of luck, I thought.

“Pilot, do you have a phone at your disposal?”