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Dear Harvey –Advice Column 12-11-2002

Acknowledgements: Thank you Lassievorc, LoneFerret, Sun_Aeryn, uisceboo, ThaliaKitty, and Reefrunner for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.

Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.

(I’m still here and still publishing directly from Moya’s neural cluster)

Dear Readers,

I can’t tell you how overwhelmed I am by your heartfelt concern for my well being. Why, just the other day, I got this e-mail assuring me that I’m NOT dead. I knew that! But, it is really nice to hear it from your, dear readers. This was such a nice e-mail that I decided to share it with you.

Cheerio,

I also have had the experience of fans believing me dead. It's a little unsettling, but it makes your life that much sweeter, when the Truth is known! I heard a spoiler lately, reported by someone who REALLY should know, that reports of your death HAVE been greatly exaggerated. Welcome back! Carry On!

Paul McCartney

Dear Paul,

Well, of course I knew I wasn’t dead. I’ve been doing these columns, after all. But thank you for the reassuring e-mail as now I know that not only am I not “dead, dead” but I am not “Farscape dead” (a condition that only a rare few get) as well. This is good to know.

But, please tell me, do you have any news about the cancellation? Please tell me it is merely like being Farscape Dead, which we all know is temporary at best.

                          ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

I need some help. I met this wonderful person a few days ago, and she gave me a great gift. A book she had compiled. I promised her a drink as payment for the book but forgot when the time came.

What should I do? Odds are I'll never meet this person again... How can I repay my dept to her?

Please help me! I feel so bad...It's not like me to promise something and not do it...

LoneFerret H19
;)

Dear LoneFerret,

Me thinks that where there’s a will there’s a way. (Or at least that is one of those little homilies that I remember rattling around in Crichton’s brain before I was so rudely evicted).

Forgot? Was that a forgot, forgot? Or a Farscape forgot?

I don’t think you are being sincere when you say that you probably will never see her again. What, are you stuck in a neural cluster such as I am? No, I think not.

But you did ask how you can repay your debt to her. Here’s what you can do. Send the Save Farscape Beyond Hope fund, or other sanctioned Save Farscape fund the cost of a drink in her name.

I don’t know if that will satisfy “her”, but it will make me ever so happy.

;)

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey:

'Fake' Scaper here...just wanted to thank you for the words you freely gave when I asked you about whether or not I was a 'real' Scaper or not. Your right...I'm not a 'real' Scaper...never mind that I shelled out a lot of green backs while attending the Farscape Con in Burbank (to help the cast/crew make money) recently...never mind that I spent several hours one night compiling fan books for fans unable to attend the cons. Nope your right...because I'm not spending 24/7 trying to save the show, I am nothing but a 'fake' Scaper. Thank you...I can sleep better at night now.

Sun_Aeryn/SunKrux
Proud 'Fake' Scaper

p.s. Did you make that trip on the Sea Sprite? Did you get to see women? Hope so...you could use a break. <weg>

Dear Fake,

I’m always happy to learn that I was of help. And in spite of what that Hynerian says, money isn’t everything.

But it is good that you can relax, sleep, and be comfortable with yourself while the rest of us are ruining our health, career paths, and relationships to SAVE FARSCAPE. It’s your choice. You can continue to be a Fake Scaper and maintain those superficial values, keep your job and pay the rent, or be a Real Scaper and devote you life, what’s left of it, to saving Farscape.

                        ______________________________

Deaw Hawvey,

Ah have a quethtion fow you. Thome of mah fweindth thay that Ah have been talkin' thwangely. They teathe me, but Ah pwetend Ah don' notith. Ah don' thee anythin' wrong with the way Ah have been talkin', and I think they ahw thoo wude! Thewe ith only tho much a pwintheth can take of this thit. What thould Ah do?

A pwintheth with golden twetheth

Dear Pwintheth,

Please forgive me if my advice is a little off the mark. I’m having a little trouble understanding you. I think it’s English, but it’s a dialect that neither I, nor my previous host, know of. I consulted Pilot, but he was unable to assist me either as your dialect is not in Moya’s Data Banks.

First, you might want to consider getting your tongue aligned with your mouth. You might want to have your teeth examined as well.

Beyond that, I would suggest you continue to pwetend that you don’ notith your fweindth. Your fweindth won’ mind, your fweindth probably doesn’t notith you either.

                          ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

I am a Farscape fan who likes Season 4 so far. I got really annoyed with all the people on the net who didn't like it, especially because they seemed to miss perfectly obvious plot points. I thought about poking some gentle fun at them by making up a "Too stupid to watch Farscape Test." But I hesitated when I tried a few sample questions on my husband and he failed them all! Should I stem by satirical impulses in the name of marital harmony? Or should I post?

ThaliaKitty

Dear ThaliaKitty,

Post.

What’s more important? Marital harmony or satisfaction? Besides, if his fragile ego can’t take a gentle nudge, nudge, wink, wink, now and then, well…

                          ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

As this hiatus stretches on, I find myself becoming increasingly bored with my shipmates. Does that Hynerian Royal ever stop eating? Does the Nebari girl ever sit still? Officer Sun and Ka D'Argo do nothing but stare at the spot where the wormhole swallowed Crichton, waiting for it to open again. And Sikozu... an intriguing creature, but hardly my intellectual equal. I require the stimulation of a like mind.

Perhaps you would care to play chess? A primitive game of strategy, but strangely satisfying. You must surely have picked up playing techniques from Crichton, so it will not be so much like playing against myself. And perhaps, as we play, we can discuss your insights into the workings of the mind of John Crichton.

Signed,
Scorpius

Dear Scorpius,

Hmmph!

You expect me to believe you want to merely play a game of strategy with me because you are BORED? That’s a likely story. And why should I believe you? First, you insert me into Crichton’s head to retrieve the wormhole technology. Fine. It was my job, I did it. Then you reneged on your promise and didn’t retrieve me when you retrieved the chip! I had to survive alone in that human’s head. Well, let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. But I adapted and learned of things that you wouldn’t believe, Jazz piano, women, perfume, chocolate, women... well, nevermind, chess doesn’t compare. But just when I was getting used to co-existing with Crichton, you yanked me out and put me in that horribly cramped quarter, that I made comfortable with a little help from my friends, but no thanks to you. Then, just as I got those quarters better than bearable, you yanked me out of there and put me in Moya’s neural cluster. Not only did I have to start all over again, but now I have to contend with Pilot’s constant whining and Moya’s constant singing. And you want to play chess?

Okay.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“Harvey, it’s your move. The board is set up. You’re white.” Scorpius said.

“Huh? Wait a microt, will you? I just got an e-mail that I don’t understand. What do you make of this?” I said, showing Scorpius this e-mail.

Get yourself out of debt fast with our low-interest refinancing plan. Pay off those high-interest credit cards and mortgages. Make only one payment a month. Financial freedom is within your grasp!

www.megabank.com

“I don’t know. It looks like it has to do with money. Maybe Chiana or Rygel would know what it’s about.” Scorpius said and put the e-mail aside. “Too bad Natira isn’t here, she would know.” He added as an after thought.

“Uh, speaking of Natira...”