Dear Harvey

Return to Home Page

Archive:
Dear Harvey - Advice Column

Dear Harvey –Advice Column 12-25-2002

Acknowledgements: Thank you Kazbaby, PKAmmoTroop, biganoyinpainnthebum, Lassievorc, StarsGoBlue, and Reefrunner for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.

Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.

(I’m still here and still publishing directly from Moya’s neural cluster)

Dear Harvey,

I've got just a small question... How 'did' you end up in the neural cluster in the first place?

Just wondering

Dear Wondering,

This is not a small question, no indeedy, not small at all! There I was happily minding Crichton’s business when a person, who shall remain nameless, but who was responsible for my minding Crichton’s business in the first place, has a change of heart (if you can call it that), and decides to remove me from Crichton’s noggin. Well, I was none to happy, and neither was Crichton if I could judge from his reaction after I was gone, even if he seemed to all too eagerly comply with Scorpius’ (ooops, the cat’s out of the bag, so to speak) actions of removing me. (And after all we had gone through together too!)

So, there I was in this tight little cramped space, made tolerable by you dear readers (and a special thanks to Jeanie who made those digs luxurious) but still being able to write this column, when what happens? Crichton disappears through a wormhole. Well, Scorpius didn’t know what to do, he failed, you see. He was supposed to be Crichton’s protector after having relieved me of the job that he sent me in to do in the first place. So, he reasoned that as I probably knew as much about wormholes as Crichton did he figured that he’d put me in Moya’s neural cluster to possibly help find Crichton. Well, I don’t know as much about wormholes as Scorpius would have liked, found Jazz piano and women much more fascinating, but I’m doing what I can. I really do miss that human.

I hope this answers your question.

                          ______________________________

Dear Harvey

I have a '96 Leviathan Lemans with the extended terrace and the 4.6 Megaliter Tachyoncharged Starburst V98 engine. He's a nice candy apple red with blue pinstripes and chrome transport pods. His name is Dave.

He's been a really awesome leviathan and we've been all over the Uncharted Territories and even made a few trips into Disturbed Space without a single problem. However recently Dave’s been having problems starting on cold mornings. When the solar windchill gets down to about 15 below absolute zero he's nearly impossible to start, it's like

rrrRRRrrr....rrrRRRrrr...rrRrr... clickitaclickitaclickitaclickita...rrrrrrRRRrrrrOOOOOM!

Yesterday morning we had to call the PKtripleA and get a jumpstart. The only thing different is that I switched to decaff. Could that be the problem?

PKAmmoTroop

Dear PKAmmoTroop,

I believe you have sent your e-mail to the wrong column. The column you really want is “Prowler Talk” and is hosted by those two debonaire brothers, whoop and whomp. However, as I have no way to forward this e-mail to them, I will attempt to answer your question to the best of my and Pilot’s ability.

Pilot and Moya both want to know what grade of Amnexus fluid you are replenishing Dave’s store with. From the sound of the Dave’s engine on cold mornings, it sounds like you have been going for the cheap stuff. You must not do that. Further, I am assuming that this is 15 degrees Celsius below absolute zero and not 15 degrees Fahrenheit. It does make a difference, although it is slight.

Everyone knows that the non Tachyoncharged ’96 Leviathan Lemans requires high test Amnexus fluid replenisher. Add to that, the Tachyoncharged model requires not only the high test Amnexus fluid, but it must be caffeinated as well.

What were you thinking? Why did you switch to decaff? It’s hard enough starting under normal circumstances, but what with the temperature falling to 15 below absolute zero. You might have gotten away with the decaff if you are reporting a Fahrenheit scale.

So, yes, decaff is the problem, but it sounds deeper than that. You must resist buying the cheap stuff as well. Going for the cheap grade Amnexus fluid replenisher will cost you more in the long run in poor performance and costly repair bills.

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey:

I can’t make up my mind, can you help me? I had a dog that died a few months back. He was very dear to me, as he was always very loyal and affectionate (he used to lick my boots, isn’t that cute?). But ever since I… well, ever since my little bow-wow died, my days have been empty. I’ve been wondering, is it too soon to get another pet? I know that a Marauder isn’t the best place to have a dog, so maybe a cat this time.

Couldn’t you just see me with a cat? They’re so fluffy. Sorry. I just don’t want to seem too cold. My little bow-wow was such a dear, but to be honest, he was really just a mutt. And he was getting kind of scraggily before he bit it. Was a little scraggily before that, too, come to think of it. What can I do? All I want is a little thing that will love me unconditionally, and follow me around everywhere. Can you help me?

Yours,
Commandant Grayza

Dear Grayza,

I have to admit, your letter is a complete surprise to me. Dear Readers, this is indeed a lesson in how one should not prejudge people by what has been rumored about them. Prior to this letter, I would not have expected Commandant Grayza to be a caring person, and yet, this letter shows me that she is capable of caring for those creatures that can bring joy into many a heart.

To answer your question, Commandant, of course you should get another pet. Your letter shows me that you really do care about some creatures and would be willing to give some deserving creature a good home. Why, just the fact that you had a dog that was perhaps not Westminster Dog Show caliber, indicates that you, of all people, are deserving of a pet, and of that pet’s love. It really doesn’t matter if you get a dog or a cat, although it has been pointed out to me, that cats require a little less maintenance and would therefore be a better choice for your lifestyle.

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

I was interested in your reaction to the "pwintheth" in the last column. It got me to wondering, do YOU have translator microbes? I know that John Crichton does, and undoubtedly you were able to utilize them while you were a resident, but what's the story now? I suspect that you have a skill at picking up languages quickly. I observed that Scorpius seemed to understand the very complex and difficult native language used by Pilot's species. Can you shed some light on this?

Speech teacher

Dear teacher,

Interesting you should ask me about translator microbes! As you know, I am non corporeal, so therefore do not have a body in which to harbor these microbes. This has the potential for putting me at a huge disadvantage with corporeal beings, except that the one who engendered me has great linguistic skills, and has passed some of those skills to me.

However, pwintheth, was basically writing in a variant of English, which I learned while I was in Crichton’s head, so she wasn’t that difficult for me to parse.

Currently, I am learning Pilot’s language, which is helping me to pass the time while I await another corporeal residence, which I hope is imminent. Not that Moya’s neural cluster isn’t a nice temporary home, but it is temporary, and I got rather used to being a human. Now I’ll settle for being a Sebacean, or Nebarri, or Human, or any other sentient being, but I’d rather be in a body that can walk Moya’s halls, not be Moya’s halls. Do you know how strange it feels to me to have feet clopping around in and on me? I really don’t know how Moya has stood it for all these many cycles.

Anyway, back to your question, no, I do not have the benefit of translator microbes. I must learn each language, as Sikozu must.

                          ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

Do you resent the fact that you were named, like a child or pet or subservient creature, rather than choosing a name for yourself?

If you could choose your own name, what would it be?

Curious Scaper

Dear Curious,

First, what’s wrong with the name, Harvey? Are you trying to tell me that Harvey is an inappropriate name for me? What would you have me pick?

Second, I thought that most people do NOT get to choose their own names. Are you telling me different? For instance, I was led to believe that John’s parents chose his name; Aeryn’s parents chose her name, etc.

The only person that I know who chose his own name is Scorpius. I rest my case.

                          ______________________________

Dear Readers,

It has been brought to me attention that this is Christmas which I believe is a holiday that John Crichton celebrated. To all that celebrate this holiday, I want to wish you a Happy Christmas.

“Pilot, I’m done with the column, could you...” ‘what’s this? Another e-mail? How did I let this one slip by?’

Are you paying TOO MUCH for insurance? Visit us at www.walmartinsurance.com and compare. Lowest prices everyday, guaranteed!

“What is it Harvey?” Pilot asked.

“Ah, nothing. Do you know what insurance is?” I responded.

“No, do you want me to ask anyone?” Pilot said.

“Never mind, it’s just an e-mail I received. Apparently, I’ve been getting something that is called SPAM. Anyway, I think I’ll just ignore this e-mail. If it’s important, they’ll just have to send me another e-mail.