Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you bum (formerly known as biganoyinpainnthebum), Cybergal, uisceboo, StarsGoBlue, and Reefrunner for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
(Still confused, but I am able to get this column out. I may still be in Moya’s neural cluster, but the surroundings are not that familiar. Something must have happened the last time we went through the wormhole. Please bear with me if I seem a little disjointed from time to time.)
Dear Mr. Harvey,
I’ve been having this problem with one of my sisters, and I heard that you give advice, so I was wondering if you could help me out. Pretty please?
Well, my sister, let’s just call her… oh, Buttercup. Hypoetiquettely speaking. She has this problem in bed. I have another sister, we all three share the same bed. When we’re asleep, Buttercup keeps having this dream where she’s beating bad guys and monsters. And she keeps kicking me in her sleep. Right through the wall on the other side of the room. It’s getting really annoying, because she keeps waking me up. I mean, have you tried sleeping through getting kicked through a wall? I’m not getting any sleep. And when I complain to my other sister, she just sits there brushing her hair in her sleep. I mean, we all know that you have long, beautiful hair, but give it a rest, for crying out loud. Just because your the leader doesn’t mean your better than all of us. And why won’t Butter cup stop kicking me?!?! I’m not Mojo Jojo!!! I’M THE CUTE ONE!!! AAUUUUUUGGGGHHH!!!!!
Relax. Think happy thoughts. Bunnies, flowers. Butterflies. Your cute. Oh yes, your so cute. Don’t have to worry about that. Nobody else. Nobody. No cute, I cute. I’ll zap em.
Yours truly,
Bubbles
The Cute One
Dear Bubbles (The Cute One),
I’m not sure I understand your predicament. You seem to have come upon the solution independent of any advice I can offer. Why not just zap them as you have proposed to do?
Alternately, have you tried to hide the hairbrush, and use the long hair to tie the kicker up? That should keep them both busy while you get your beauty sleep.
Yes, that should do it. Zap them to lull them into a deep sleep, and then while they are sleeping, tie one up with the other’s hair. That way, they will be kept busy and not bother you should they awaken before you do.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I read your column all of the time and am a huge fan of yours. You're a snappy dresser too! Anyway, I am writing you because I have a small problem. I lurk around the bb's all of the time and found this silly game over at Kansas.
http://users.boardnation.com/~scapeartist/index.php?board=1;action=display;threadid=2587
[Dear Readers,
I have inserted the exerpt here for your convenience as posted by gbbarb.
What's your new name???
Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. Here is your dose...
Follow the instructions to find your new name. The following in an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:
a = poopsie b = lumpy c = buttercup d = gidget e = crusty f = greasy g = fluffy h = cheeseball i = chim-chim j = stinky k = flunky l = boobie m = pinky n = zippy o = goober p = doofus q = slimy r = loopy s = snotty t = tulefel u = dorkey v = squeezit w = oprah x = skipper y = dinky z = zsa-zsa
Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = apple b = toilet c = giggle d = burger e = girdle f = barf g = lizard h = waffle i = cootie j = monkey k = potty l = liver m = banana n = rhino o = bubble p = hamster q = toad r = gizzard s =pizza t = gerbil u = chicken v = pickle w = chuckle x = tofu y = gorilla z = stinker
Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = head b = mouth c = face d = nose e = tush f = breath g = pants h = shorts i = lips j = honker k = butt l = brain m = tushie n = chunks o = hiney p = biscuits q = toes r = buns s = fanny t = sniffer u = sprinkles v = kisser w = squirt x = humperdinck y = brains z = juice
Have fun
Loopy Cootiebrain]
I know. I know. It's silly, but hey, I've got to have something to do while on Moya. These people don't take orders very well, but that's another story. Anyway, I can't figure out what my fake name is. It's not fair! Grayza gets to be Boobie Gizzardbrains and Crais gets to be Poopsie Cootielips! I want to play too! I only have one name, and it doesn't tell you what to do in that situation. So how do I find out my secret name? I'm so frustrated that it's making my cooling rods overheat. Please help.
Yours truly,
Scorpius
Dear Scorpius,
You must really be quite bored to want to participate in a game where your name can become the equivalent of Loopy Cootiebrain! Who would believe this? I must conclude that you are not Scorpius, however, as you were he, you would have known to take your mother’s name, as is the custom among Sebaceans, and I didn’t think there was any love lost between us. So, to whoever did write this lovely e-mail, thank you for enjoying my humble effort. (I do so love giving advice, and I’m quite good at it, I must say.).
But, this request is harmless enough, so I will play along, Scorpius (wink, wink) and develop your new name based on Scorpius Jeema. Following the above instructions, your name becomes: Goober Toiletbuns.
Hmm, this is fun! Lessee, if my name is Harvey Crichton (why not?) then my name becomes Loopy Gizzardface.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
My girlfriend gave me the Christmas gift beyond my wildest dreams. She also bought me a great TV system and even handed me the remote. Is she not the most perfect woman in the universe? Anyway, she isn't the problem today.
It's all my crewmates...now that I have a phat home theater system, I can't get them out of my room! All they want to do is watch TV. One girl keeps trying to tune in Oxygen (she likes to watch Xena), the former dominar wants to watch the financial networks and old Orson Welles DVDs, and Granny likes FoodTV. The red-haired chick watches PBS and The Discovery Channel. This all is pretty much what I expected, but my bed bud, the big Luxan lummox, all he does is switch from CNN to Fox News to whatever news beacon ha can catch off of our ships' hull. He's news obsessed -- who woulda thunk? -- but I want my room back. I'd like to actually be able to use my gift. Myself.
How can I ge them to lay off without causing a problem? I have to lie with these people, after all.
Thanks for the advice, and pass the popcorn.
John
Dear John,
Being a little stingy with your goodies there, aren’t you John? Why not share? I’m sure they will grow tired of the system and go back to their old routines. Then you will have the system all to yourself, if that is what you really want.
So, what was the other gift?
And why can’t I watch? You should get me out of storage and let me enjoy the bounty now and then, you know.
Alternately, you could move to another cell and set up a reservation book so that people could sign up for respective time slots and that way you could get some time of your own for watching, all by yourself (selfish person that you are).
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I have found myself in a torrid affair with my superior officer. She says that I meet her needs and desires most satisfactorily.
I am, however, just the slightest bit concerned. You see, I cannot *remember* our past few physical encounters.
Is it possible that I am so good, that I render myself insensible?
I'm Da Man
Dear Da,
This is very serious. Are you sure you can’t remember anything? It doesn’t bode well at all.
You should see a doctor and find out if you are going senile, or are having border heat delirium problems.
I doubt that anyone can be that good.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
My former brother-in-law married my sister against my wishes and was directly responsible for the events leading up to her death. He refuses to take the fall--er, accept his responsibility. How can I get him to own up to what he did?
PK in the TS
Dear PK,
Simple, invite your former brother-in-law to take the Aurora Chair test to prove his innocence. He won’t be able to refuse because if he does, that will imply his guilt. Then you’ll have him.
And to prove your good intentions that you are only interested in the truth, volunteer to take it yourself first to show there are no hard feelings and that you are only interested in the truth, and wouldn’t he want to do the same?
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