Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you bum, StarsGoBlue, Reefrunner, Lassievorc, AnnieBW,and uisceboo for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
(Still confused, but I am able to get this column out. I may still be in Moya’s neural cluster, but the surroundings are not that familiar. Something must have happened the last time we went through the wormhole. Please bear with me if I seem a little disjointed from time to time.)
Dear Harvey,
I wanted to update you on my vorq’s condition. I had put him into cryogenic stasis like you suggested, but this proved to be detrimental to his condition as I dropped him while I was bringing him to a diagnosan, and he was still frozen. Found it easier to take the froonium rod out of his mouth with his head disconnected, though.
I am becoming distressed as I have already gone through yet another pet since my last letter. I got this thing called a crocodile in the mail the other day. Wasn’t sure what to do with it, so I shot it. Figured I could freeze it and save it for later. It’s kind of big, so it should be enough for the crew. Might even be leftovers. Could make a soup.
I managed to find the most delightful little animal. I’m not really sure how it managed to get all the way out here, as I here it’s an erp animal. I always fancied myself a cat person. I just never thought that it would happen. I’m not really sure what to feed it, and I was wondering if you had learned anything about cats while you were in Crichton’s mind. I’ve been feeding it some of the crocodile, but it won’t eat it. It just sits there over its food dish, giving me this inquisitive stare. I tell it that I don’t have anything else to offer it, but to reply it only says “Meow”. What is this meow? I began to doubt my translator microbes, so I set a team to work trying to decipher the cat’s complex language. So far nothing. I’m getting very frustrated. I thought that if I were to give the cat something that it wanted it would begin to cooperate. But I can’t figure out what it wants.
Can you help me?
Yours,
Commandant Grayza
Commandant Grayza,
I realize it isn’t entirely your fault regarding the crocodile, but did you have to shoot it? It was after all meant to be a pet which I understand you wanted. (Note to self, never give advice to S. Irvine under any circumstances, he obviously doesn’t listen.) As for the Vorc, my suspicions are up, are you sure it was an accident, or was it rather you not wanting to pay a diagnosan to fix up the dear little one?
Well, aren’t you the cat’s meow? (Sorry dear readers, I just couldn’t resist.) And just how do you know it is an erp animal? Are you going to tell me that of all creatures you are treating this one properly? I find that hard to believe with your present track record, crocodile not withstanding.
Of course this sweet little cat won’t eat the crocodile as that is tantamount to cannibalism. You are forcing it to eat another pet! You will want to get it a quality cat food. That’s the best I can suggest.
As far as understanding this lovely little creature goes, I would look inward and determine if it is not some deficiency within your person that is causing the problem. Is anyone else having this problem? I thought not.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
Are you at all upset that Crichton made a visit to Earth without you? What were you, Moya & Pilot able to experience of Crichton's home world while in orbit above the planet?
Inquiring Mind
Dear Inquiring,
What?????? They visited Earth and left me behind?????? How dare they!
Uh, no, I’m not upset.
Just you wait, John Crichton, just you wait.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
As this is the only contact address provided by Commander John Crichton, I request that you please pass along to him the following correspondence.
Thank you.
Paul Boone, Claims Adjuster
*************
Dear Commander Crichton,
Your father, Jack Crichton, has recently filed an insurance claim with us over damages inflicted on his house on 12/24/02 by a purported alien creature. Because you were present at the time of the incident, we request that you fill out the following questionnaire, as your father claims to have been unconscious during most of the incident. Any information you can provide us with will be greatly appreciated.
1) Who was present at the time of the incident? (For the purpose of gathering other eyewitness accounts.)
2) Did you personally witness the alien creature damage the house?
3) Describe in your own words the incident, including sequence of events.
Please return the completed questionnaire as an attachment to your reply e-mail.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Sincerely,
Paul Boone, Claims Adjuster
Dear Paul Boone,
What makes you think that I have access to John Crichton, or that I’d want to? I’ve been slaving away up here on Moya while he was apparently having a frelling good time.
I will not be party to this little charade.
So, what did he really do? Did he get drunker than a you-know-what and try to pin the blame on an alien of uncertain description? I see he cleverly got his father out of the way so he couldn’t stop John from running rampant. And he fell for that old story? Well, well, well, I’ve been giving the old man too much credit. The ancients must have influenced my perception of him.
I know nothing of what went on while I was slaving away up here. Go find him yourself.
______________________________
Dear Mr. Harvey,
It's a pleasure to speak with you! You know, I have a very special friend by the name of Harvey. He's an awful nice fellow. Everyone who gets to know him just loves him! He's a bit shy, but I try to encourage him to socialize more. I feel pretty sure the same is true for you. My world is a better place, because of this friend. I suggest that you try to reach out even more. I know it's not easy for you, but the effort will be well worth it. You can make your world a better place, too.
Most Sincerely,
Elwood P. Dowd
Dear Elwood,
This is very kind of you to write me like this. I should very much like to meet you and your friend, Harvey. I bet we have a lot in common ;)
And I will try to get out more, but right now, I find that my options are limited.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I recently attended some specialized training for focusing mental energies. During this training, we were encouraged to do mental battle with other students. To my horror, I was paired with a Hynerian, and he kicked my eema! The people who sponsored me to go to this training will not be happy when they hear of this. Not to mention my comrades, who will be on my case about losing to a lowly Hynerian in a battle of wills. Do you have any advice on how to handle this situation?
Sincerely,
A. Charrid
Dear Charrid,
Don’t tell anyone. And if anyone asks, pretend you don’t her them. Act innocent.
______________________________
Hey Harve,
I wrote to you last time about the crew hogging the TV. You replied and mentioned gifts from my girlfreind:
1) "So, what was the other gift?"
2) "And why can’t I watch? You should get me out of storage and let me enjoy the bounty now and then, you know."
1) None of your business.
2) You had better be referring to the TV system and not 1). If you ARE referring to 1) if I ever catch you doing 2) to 1) I am going to get the biggest shot of novacaine I can find and put you out of my misery until you learn some manners.
I've said it before, but I'll say it again...what is WRONG with you people?
Now who took my remote....
John
Dear John,
What are you nattering about? Of course I want you to get me out of storage. Can you spell boring? And why can’t I watch some TV and eat some chocolate and really hear some good Jazz piano?
What’s the matter? Are you getting the cold shoulder from 1) again? You haven’t got a clue, have you?
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