Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you StarsGoBlue, Lassievorc, bum,and uisceboo for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
(Still confused, but I am able to get this column out. I may still be in Moya’s neural cluster, but the surroundings are not that familiar. Something must have happened the last time we went through the wormhole. Please bear with me if I seem a little disjointed from time to time.)
Dear Harvey,
I think you're very sexy. Would you like to meet for stimulating conversation and a beverage?
Erp Girl
Dear Erp Girl,
I always knew I cut a dashing figure, and I always hoped that I was SEXY, so it is extremely good of you to confirm it for me. Thank you!
There is nothing I would like better than to meet you for conversation and a beverage and... well wherever that may lead.
However, at the present time, I am not corporeal which means that a beverage is out of the question, out of the question. As things stand now, I’m afraid that meeting you will be out of the question as well, and for the same reasons as I am not corporeal (I’m not sure just what I am at the moment).
But, we can communicate. I would love that. Keep in touch please and at the moment I am corporeal (or have my very own body, which ever comes first) I will absolutely look you up so that we can have our beverages and share other fluids together, as I will have some to share.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
There is a movie entitled "Harvey," I believe it was Crichton's inspiration for your name! It must be available on videotape and since since Aeryn bought John a VCR! On second thought, I don't suppose it's likely that Aeryn would select that particular title. Then again, maybe Olivia would, if she recalled that her brother was a fan! I think you should suggest that John look for it. You would enjoy it!
Lassievorc
a fan
Dear Lassievorc,
There is a movie about ME? Oh, be still my heart.
I didn’t know Aeryn bought John a VCR. How does she know about those things? I thought the only thing she ever bought was supplies and weapons. Wasn’t that terribly frivolous of her? (I’m going to have to speak to that woman! On the other hand, if she did get a tape of... but I digress.)
Thanks for the heads up, Lassievorc, I will make it a point to watch this movie, and if by some oversight, they do not have it, I will make them turn around and get a copy, post haste.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
Wonderful news! Team of translators have deciphered the complex language used by my cat. Apparently, it’s an elaborate mix of sarcasm and four letter words. I’ve even picked up a few words myself. Ahem, meow. Rowl. Meow, purrrrrrr. It’s so much fun. I finally decided on a name for him, too. To honor you and the advice you gave me in finding a pet, I named him Harvey.
After I had gotten to know Harvey better, I decided a change in rank was in order. So it became Lieutenant Harvey, and I thought I’d see how Braca was as a pet. However, Harvey does not entirely happy with its position. No matter. Dance, Braca. Dance. Hmm. Something seems to be going on. I’d better go see what it is. I’ll finish this later…
Well that was an ordeal. Decided to restore Braca to his previous status. Giving the cat that level of clearance was not such a good idea after all. We’re still repairing the damage from the attempted coup. Harvey tried to escape, but was easy to capture as he still can’t open any of the doors on the ship. I’m glad I was slow getting those little kitty doors installed. When we caught him, he was just sitting there batting his little paws at the door. And then he’d look back at us expectantly.
He’s in the brig right now awaiting his court martial . Normally I would have just had him executed, but I feel I owe him more than that. He’s so soft and fluffy. Have decided that the Fancy Feast is too good for him, though. He wouldn’t it anyway. I found that he would eat the crocodile as long as I pour some cream on it. You can’t really call it cannibalism as Harvey’s not a pet anymore.
My question for you is this: Should I be lenient with the little bugger? I mean, he’s brought so much warmth to this ship, what with the fire and the bodies strewn about and all. But how can I hurt the little guy?
Seriously.
Yours,
Commandant Grayza
‘Why do I bother? She doesn’t listen. It almost seems as if she does just the opposite of what I suggest. Hmm, this suggests an experiment.’ I thought.
Dear Commandant Grayza,
I know from experience that cats, a highly intelligent and loyal species would never divulge the secrets of the universe to the likes of you. You have but begun to decode its language, but any more work would be futile. You won’t learn anything. Make the cat captain of the Command Carrier and have all the others, save yourself, take orders from it. The cat will take orders from you only.
However, what you have learned, what the limits of your feeble mind will allow, should be sufficient. I suspect that all you really need to do is purrr. Between that and the Hepple oil, you should be able to get anything you want.
As for Braca, reassign him to KP duty or cleaning of the drainage ducts, or something else equally suitable to his intelligence.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I'm being sued. No lawyer wants to take my case; in fact, when I tell them what my situation is, they don't say anything, they just...laugh at me. Where in the universe can I find legal representation? Can you recommend anything?
Michael Jackson
Exectutive
The Sci Fi Channel
Dear Michael Jackson,
Yes, I remember a place called Litigara, a planet of Lawyers. I wasn’t actually there, but I heard about it and they seemed like a very clever and honorable bunch of people. I’m sure you will be able to find someone there.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I'm being sued. No lawyer wants to take my case; in fact, when I tell them what my situation is, they don't say anything, they just...laugh at me. Where in the universe can I find legal representation? Can you recommend anything?
Michael Jackson
The King of Pop
Dear Michael Jackson,
Sheesh, you can’t even wait for me to answer your first e-mail, you have to send me another right on its heels?
At the risk of being redundant, I will repeat the advice I previously gave:
There is a place called Litigara, a planet of Lawyers. I wasn’t actually there, but I heard about it and they seemed like a very clever and honorable bunch of people. I’m sure you will be able to find someone there.
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