Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you Nanse, bum, and Lassievorc for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
Dear Readers,
By now you know that I have not been in Moya’s neural cluster, nor in that pitifully small container, but instead still in John’s brain, without his, or at first my, knowledge. Once I became aware of my situation and after a long heart to heart talk with Scorpius, I felt it best to keep the secret, if for no other reason than to preserve John’s safety. So, please forgive me my little deception, and also forgive Scorpius, for I know now that he is truly acting in the best interest for this end of the galaxy. Also, there would have been no advice columns but for his assistance in getting them to you, Dear Readers.
I must say, that if only Scorpius had opened his kimono to me in the first place, I would never have been disloyal. As Scorpius has created me in his image, why then could he not trust me to do my job even better if I had had the knowledge in the first place? No matter, what past is past, I must let it stay in the past, as hard as that may seem. While Scorpius is about revenge, I must remember the lesson I have learned from John, and strive not for revenge, but for love. And I know that even though I am still not corporeal, I can find love, if evidenced by nothing else than your letters to me. Thank you again Dear Readers for your heartfelt support.
Thus, it was a fortunate accident that I got left behind, both for me, as it gave me life, and for Scorpius, and thus the galaxy, as this may be the only means with which we can save it from the Scarran scourge.
Most sincerely and humbly yours,
Harvey 2.0 (I love my upgrade, btw)
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
The Strangest things have been happening to me. First, I got hit by a train, and while a lay there dying my blood formed out the words "God is Now Here," then a little boy healed me which killed him. Then I met a woman with severe brain damage who suddenly found herself healed, but then I had to watch her revert to her vegetative state. Just recently I fell in love with a dead woman and met what I can only call a "demon" who seems to know more about me than I know about myself.
I'm at my wits end! I don't know what to do! I went from always debunking false miracles to seeing miraculous and paranormal events all the time, and the only guy who might have answers isn't talking! What should I do?
Sincerely
Paul Callan
Dear Paul,
You are right to debunk these so called miracles. It is my experience that everything has an explanation. Are you quite sure you have been hit by a train and died. That seems really quite impossible to me. As far as I know that once you are dead, unless of course it is Farscape Dead, that you remain dead. (Farscape Dead is a special case, which I won’t get into in this reply, but suffice it to say that most of the time even Farscape Dead is Dead Dead, as it is only with preparation and foresight or plain dumb luck that you may find yourself merely Farscape Dead, which is a recoverable symptom.)
You are most likely hallucinating. Are there any Scarrans near you that may be causing these hallucinations?
Alternately, this could be a drug-induced hallucination. Do “invisible” strings unnaturally hinder your movements? This may be IV’s and other sensors attached to your body causing and recording your imagined experiences.
Therefore, what you must do, is flail your limbs about wildly so as to detach any needles and probes that might be attached to you. If you are tied down so that you may not flail about, then force yourself to exit this hallucination. Under no circumstances should you let yourself be fooled again.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I’m having a problem with my cat, and I am now totally baffled. I’m not really sure why I’m even asking you anymore, because you seem to be displeased with me for some strange reason. Oh, I did as you suggested with Braca and reassigned him to something more suitable. Now, I know that I could just have messages delivered electronically through the ship, but he looks so cute in his tutu, and he’s almost gotten the hang of the roller skates.
As you know, my cat Harvey tried to stage a violent takeover of my ship. In the last letter I told you that I had put him in the brig, and that he was awaiting a hearing. I decided to forgo that, and thought I would find out the answer to that age-old question: “What happens when you put a cat in the Aurora Chair?” You’ll never believe what I found out.
It turns out that Harvey already had a name before I found him. It was Mr. Jingles. And there’s more. It seems that this Mr. Jingles used to belong to Crichton’s family. I tried to find out more information, but Mr. Jingles seems to have Crichton’s tolerance for the Aurora Chair. Which is really a shame, because it looks as though Mr. Jingles has wormhole knowledge as well (which would explain how he managed to get out here far from Erp). I had planned on continuing with the Aurora Chair, but this brings me to my problem.
Mr. Jingles has escaped from the brig. I don’t know where he could have gotten to. It’s a rather big ship and he’s such a small animal. And now our engines are malfunctioning, and I just can’t help but think that it’s because of Mr. Jingles. I keep hearing something about evacuating and that something or other’s imminent. Some sort of meltdown or explosion or something. It’s kind of hard to make out because mixed in with the voice over the loudspeaker there’s this high-pitched maniacal laughter. And it sounds very cattish. What do you think I should do?
Very Concerned,
Commandant Grayza
Dear Commandant Grayza,
I can’t believe that you are still pretending to be an animal lover. Not only have you time and again caused immense harm and suffering to the animals that you have purportedly acquired as pets, but you also have abused your command to unbelievable extents and horribly mistreated a sentient being, Scorpius, in an unbearable display of cruelty. You thought I’d never catch on, didn’t you?
That’s right, Scorpius told me all about what you have done to him. (And I believed you when you said it was this Earth animal, a dog! Well, I won’t be fooled again, let me tell you.) You need to mend your ways. Haven’t you learned by now that you can’t rule through fear alone? Heppel oil will not gain you respect you know. If you used your brain instead of your boobs, you might be able to do something positive for your people. Or is that where your brain is?
To answer your immediate question however, turn command over to Mr. Jingles (poor kitty) immediately if not sooner. Everyone will be happier and better off for it. Then throw yourself on Mr. Jingles mercy.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I caught your magnificently creative return to active service on Moya last night. Bravo, it was masterful! I also know you have continued to dispense advice in a regularly published column. Talk about multi-tasking! Pilot has nothing on you, sir! You have my very professional admiration!
Yours Truly,
Buffy, v.s.
Dear Buffy,
Why, thank you so much for your heartfelt letter. Of course I have Scorpius to thank for my, er, resurrection and upgrade, as well as helping me to get the columns published.
And I may not have said this before, but I want to thank Scorpius for not interfering with me when I was less than kind to him in my advice to others. If only I was as ready to cut him the slack that he cut me. How unexpected.
Of course, if he had been upfront with me from the beginning, then, well... Um, I am grateful, however, that he is now including me in his planning and has told me everything.
Buffy, you say “professional admiration”, for which I thank you. But what is it that you do? And what does v.s. after your name stand for?
Thank you in advance.
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