Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you Nanse, AnnieBW, NeuralClone, Sailoraeryn, and Reefrunner for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
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______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I am in need of advise and I hear you are the one to talk too. I am a noncorporeal being myself. Some silly humans even think of me as a Demon. They are so laughable sometimes. To get to the point, I have recently been "evicted" from the human body I was "sharing" and am finding it hard to find another corporeal body. I hear you are in the same predicament. Have you had any leads? I prefer someone of a weaker countenance, who has some sort of psychic ability.
Any help you could give me would be much appreciated.
Sincerely,
Mr.Friendly
P.S. If you ever hear from a Paul Callan, please tell him hello from me, and that I still have his mother on the line.
Dear Mr. Friendly,
Actually, I am not. I wasn’t evicted, I just laid low for a while, and now I am much improved, thank you very much.
But you have been evicted you say? It would be best if you find a cooperative soul, one who will accept you for what you are. You will also have to give a little to gain the cooperation and trust of this individual.
However, your first problem is to find a suitable partner (you must consider this a partnership if it is to ever work out). I have been made aware of many matchmaking services that are available on the internet. I suggest you find your partner through such a service, as this will allow you to screen and eliminate those who would be unsuitable for your inhabitation.
Paul Callan, if you are reading this column, and I have reason to believe that you may be, please contact your mother. Mr. Friendly says hello.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
Do you have a soul? Because I recently reclaimed mine, and it's making me feel guilty. Not to mention that the people that I hurt before don't believe me that I've changed. If you do have a soul, how do you deal with the guilt over the things that you've done to people?
Sincerely,
Spike in Sunnydale
Dear Spike,
Of course I have a soul, everyone has a soul, or so I’m led to believe by my host. Why just the other day, John even suggested my soul should go somewhere, which I know he meant in my best interest.
I don’t know why you are so worried about these guilt feelings. It seems to me that you are a man of good conscience and that you would never do anything wittingly to hurt anyone.
Are you quite sure you have really hurt anyone needlessly? Of course not, you should hold your head up high and ease your conscience as you undoubtedly haven’t hurt anyone without cause. Surely, the twinges of remorse are sufficient punishment for anything you could possibly have done.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I've just learned a very dear friend of mine has been brainwashed into joining some kind of political crusade. He has totally abandoned his old friends - worse, appears to have turned on them - and done a 180 degree turn on all his old beliefs. I'm afraid he's going to get caught up in some kind of terrorist group if he's not careful. Help! Is there anything I can do to save him before he makes a disastrous mistake?
Concerned.
Dear Concerned,
You have offered no corroborating evidence to support your suspicions. Therefore, if you are truly the friend you say you are, you should first join your friend in one of his endeavors. If he doesn’t want you to be with him, then tail him to see what is going on.
You will either discover that he is doing nothing dangerous or illegal, at which point you can show your face and join in the fun; or he is doing dangerous, harmful and illegal acts, in which case, you should turn him over to the authorities before he does more harm.
______________________________
Dear Harvey:
I've been a real fan of your column and would like to offer you a really cool opportunity. You see my boss is away trying to get better from, well that's a long story and not really necessary. Look I would love it if you, Harvey, could come down to New York City and guest host The Late Show this week. I know you are a very busy person and probably have better things to do than host our little show till David gets better, but I would be honor if you sat behind the big desk and did the show. Hey you know, you could also bring along your alien friends that have become so popular here (note as popular as you of course). and interview them. You could even join the band in a number, I hear you play a mean set of drums. And I bet it would be better than that Bruce Willis guy harmonica solo last week. I bet you would bring down the house. So what do you say? Will you do it? Bruce, Regis, nobody could be better than you Harvey.
Your biggest fan
Paul Shaffer
‘This is what I have always dreamed of, ever since John taught me the Letterman list! I’m sure John will just as eagerly want to co-host it with me. Hmm, before I ask John, I had better clear it with Paul that it has to be a twosome.’ I clicked my nails in delight as I thought about hosting the Late Show. ‘Be still my heart.’
Dear Paul,
There is nothing more that I’d rather do. But, I am essentially not a corporeal being, but am instead residing in John Crichton, who is corporeal. Therefore, I implore you to consider that you invite John Crichton to co-host the Late Show with me.
I am eagerly waiting to learn of your decision.
Harvey
______________________________
Harve,
Just wanted to let you know that I think you're the second most sneaky SOB I've ever met. Top place goes to Scorpius, of course.
Your unwitting (and unwilling) host,
John
John,
I am aghast! I only have our, er, your best interest at heart! You must understand as I now do that Scorpius has done everything to ensure your well-being. Is not wormhole technology a small price to pay for his aegis?
Besides, Scorpius did have a heart-to-heart with me, and I now know that he has the best intentions for saving the galaxy, if not the universe from evildoers.
Please, reconsider your venom against Scorpius and me. We only want to do what is best.
I know I consider you to be a friend. Think of all the fun times we’ve had together. Think of all the times I’ve saved your eema. Think of possibly co-hosting Letterman before you make any rash judgments.
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