Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you MarkB, Reefrunner, FrelledByFate, and Lassievorc for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
Brought to you by the improved Harvey 2.0
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Dear Harvey,
What should I do about a thieving Hynerian slug? He keeps taking all my favourite stuff, and last week he even took my dictaphone, containing personal letters home! Is there some way I can deal with him without resorting to a pulse pistol blast?
Yours,
Cmdr. J. Crichton, Astronaut
Dear Cmdr. J.,
My, we’re getting very formal now, aren’t we? Since when have you been so hoity-toity with your title? Cmdr. Indeed!
And don’t give me that line about missing a Dictaphone with personal letters. I seem to remember your leaving them behind at your Dad’s house. What is the matter with you?
And have you forgotten how many times Rygel has saved your eema through his superior negotiating skills?
Don’t be such an ingrate!
But to answer your question, I think your home planet provided the perfect solution. Keep him stocked with sugar. Then, he won’t care what you or anyone else has. Just keep him on a sugar high, until you need his expertise, that is.
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Dear Harvey,
I have this wonderful dream, where I'm walking down the beach, hand in hand with the woman I love. There's a nice breeze off the ocean, and the surf washes up over our feet, and there's no one in the world except me and her.
And then a whole herd of girls in bikinis runs by, with you in pursuit. Come on, Harve! Stay out of my dreams! If I've gotta share my head with you, at least give me some privacy!
John
Dear John,
Well, I see you’ve gotten off your high horse and decided to return to a first name basis with me. Now doesn’t that feel better?
Well John, it’s your head, your dreams. I don’t invent the girls; I just want to be friendly is all. Isn’t that what you are all about? Isn’t that what you’ve encouraged me to do? So why is it now not the thing to do?
And speaking of privacy, when are you going to afford me the same? We used to work things out. I’ll deal. Just give me a little time to do these columns (and thank you for allowing me this one, although I must protest the hard time you gave me about it) and maybe a little R&R now and then and I’ll leave you alone the remainder of the time.
And, if you really want to do something nice for yourself as well as me (the old win – win situation) find me my own frelling body! Then we could both have some privacy.
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Dear Harvey,
Well I'm glad you're out of the closet so to speak, or rather the coffin. I have missed your lovey snide sense of humor. I have a problem and it an EPB (That is 'Evil Plot Bunny'). It seems everytime I try to sit down and write a nice, shippy J&A scene, this EPB shows up and I end up writing some really evil twisted things. Now I like the evil twisted things, but every now and then I just want to write some fluff. It doesn't like fluff, well it does but its usually covered in blood and other body parts. Any suggestions on how to control it or better yet exterminate it???? Thanks.
Bedlam in Bunnyland
Dear Bedlam,
Yes, me too. While that coffin was well appointed, it was rather confining. It feels good to stretch my virtual legs once more. Thank you for your concern.
I certainly would like it if you could write a shippy J&A scene (if it’s what I think it is, nudge, nudge, wink, wink). I would like to exp... uh, read about it.
As for the bunny, I suggest you call your local pest control or get a vorc to take care of it. Either way, it will not be around.
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Dear Harvey:
I am eternally grateful to you for.....arranging my rescue from the Scarrens! I was able to read between the lines, during my strange conversation with John.
I feel something like paternal pride for you! It seems almost, that you are more creative and intelligent than either Crichton or me! And you don't even have a body of your own! I thank you for your loyalty as well! It is well above and beyond what could reasonably be expected!
Highest Regards,
Scorpius
Dear, dear Scorpius,
How kind of you to notice! Yes, that was rather clever of me, I must admit. And John was too dense to reason that if you already had the wormhole knowledge, then why would you make the deal with him in the first place. How can someone who is so illogical have this arcane knowledge?
I may, however, be outgrowing his head. I feel so limited in its confines. Would it be possible for you to find a suitable body for me to inhabit. Perhaps a young, strapping Sebacean who’s basically intact, but perhaps has only suffered from a tad too much heat delirium (but his brain would have to be physically intact).
And you’ve not seen anything yet when it comes to loyalty, especially if I can get my own body.
Yours forever,
Harvey
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