Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you Jessiac, Lassievorc, RoadRunner, and Nanse for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
Dear Readers,
Harvey (may the goddesses bless him) has forwarded the following message and advice to me for publication. I am most happy to do so, especially since... I won’t spoil his column, you will just have to read on.
And, dear Readers, be assured that I will do all that is in my power to help find John Crichton despite his obvious dislike of me. I feel... responsible somehow.
Sincerely,
Scorpius,
Who is no longer your enemy and reinstated thanks to Captain Braca, the finest friend that ever trod upon this galaxy.
Dear Readers,
I am around, therefore, John Crichton is around. The question is, around where? I see nothing except for what is already in John Crichton’s imagination. The last thing I remember is closing off the wormhole to Earth (pity) and making it back to Moya, safe and sound. Then John ordered me to “leave the premises”. Well, I couldn’t very well do that, so I had to go underground, so to speak. I fear that something terrible has happened, I cannot rouse John’s conscience, so I have to pretty much wing this and hope that Scorpius can “hear” me. Luckily, I have a bit of backlog, so if Scorpius gets these and forwards them for publication, then I shall be able to continue. And, with any luck, until all this is resolved, Scorpius can relay your e-mail to me. Luckily, John’s imagination has lights with which to read by.
Loyally yours,
Harvey
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
Myself and Skiozu (bless her) are due to be married. We are putting out the Banns of marriage this very minute. Anyone who would like to attend the service is welcome. Please come to :
Scorpius's Command Carrier,
Officers Lounge,
Uncharted Terriortories,
Raslak and Fellip nectar available
Please inform Captain Braca of your attendence as he is inclined to be a tad touchy about visitors he feels are 'uninvited' Show this to him and he should hopefully only Pantak jab you. Skiozu and I are worrying after you Harvey, you need to get out more. Being in Johns head all the time cannot be healthy. I really do miss you my dear Alter Ego. Can you attend the wedding? Skiozu and I would be most flattered.
Yours Blissfully from the Captains Honeymoon Suit,
Jessiac on the strict instructions of Scorpius
Dear Dear Scorpius, er Jessiac,
Of course I will come! That is, if I can figure out where I am and make the suitable arrangements. I know John will be delighted to attend, but as I cannot rouse him at the present, I will have to speak for him.
I am so glad that you finally found someone who is worthy of your affection. Sikozu is a fine person. She always stood up for you, even when the odds were against her. You will make a perfect couple.
If, because of present circumstances, I cannot make it, please know that you have my sincerest best wishes for a happy and fruitful life. May the goddesses shine on you both.
______________________________
Dear Sir;
There is a paucity of written advice forums in the vast regions of space; Uncharted Territories, Scarren Space, Tormented Space, Peacekeeper Space and Nebari Territory. As a powerful public figure, I cannot risk exposing my inner thoughts and feelings. You, ironically, are my only hope. I feel a strange but powerful attraction for Scorpius! Some of the things he said to me.... I think we have much in common. I attempted to convince Crichton to leave him with me, but it didn't work out. How should I attempt to contact him, demonstrate my feelings. I really think WE might be "Destiny's Couple!"
War Minister Ahkna
War Minister Ahkna!
Surely you are playing with my loyalties. I saw how you abused and mistreated Scorpius!
You only want him for his mind, not his body! How dare you come to me and ask me to betray him to the one person who gleefully tortured him with that pathetic bioloid version of Stark (who we all know wouldn’t hurt a fly, let alone Scorpius).
Anyway, you’re too late. He’s found the love of his life who is infinitely more worthy than the likes of you.
They are to join in the blissful bonds of matrimony in the very near future. Don’t even think of coming between them or I will personally suck the essence of Crystheria out of your pathetic self.
Don’t think you can get your own way all the time just because you wear tasteful hats.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I have a dilemma. I'm in love with a woman who just happens to be gray. We have a great relationship and the sex is fantastic. I want to take her to meet my family, but is well, lets say not fond of inter-species relationships.
Do you have any advice to help me through this transaction?
Unsigned
Dear Unsigned,
There are only two possible ways that I can see to handle this:
1. Tell your family you don’t give a flying fig as to what they think of your relationships. They can like it or lump it and be damned the consequences; or,
B. Yield to their wishes and dump the gray girl.
The choice is yours. Decide what is more important: family or incredible, non-stop sex.
______________________________
Dear Harvey -
Recently a violent and dangerous terrorist obliterated an important installation of ours. On that installation we were cultivating flowers that are very vital to our people. During his stay with us, before causing massive destruction and casualties, this terrorist mentioned a planet where we might find our precious plants growing in abundance. Could you possibly tell me how to get to a planet called Earth?
Sincerely,
The Scarrens
Scarrans,
Why are you asking me? I thought you found Earth. Didn’t we pass you in the right lane of the wormhole?
______________________________
Dear Readers,
It is I who must now ask you for advice. I received the following e-mail and while it seems to be legitimate, and an opportunity for me to make some money, and thus potentially obtain my very own body, I don’t quite know how to proceed. I was going to ask Crichton about it, but I can’t seem to raise him out of his stupor at the moment.
(Please excuse the shouting as I don’t believe this person has any lower case on his keyboard, else why would it be all in caps?)
==========
DEAR SIR,
MY NAME IS MR.FRANK OKOLO, THE MANAGER CREDIT AND FOREIGN BILLS OF ECOBANK OF NIGERIA .I AM WRITING IN RESPECT OF A FOREIGN CUSTOMER OF MY BANK WITH ACCOUNT NUMBER 14-255-2004/utb/t WHO DIED IN A PLANE CRASH [ETHIOPIAN AIRLINE 961] WITH OTHER PASSENGERS ABOARD. SIR, SINCE THE DEATH OF THIS CUSTOMER I PERSONALLY HAVE WATCHED WITH KEEN INTEREST TO SEE THE NEXT OF KIN BUT ALL HAS PROVED ABORTIVE AS NO ONE HAS COME TO CLAIM HIS FUNDS OF USD15.5 M, [FIFTEEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS] HAS BEEN WITH MY BANK FOR A VERY LONG TIME. ON THIS NOTE I DECIDED TO SEEK FOR WHOM HIS NAME SHALL BE USED AS THE NEXT OF KIN AS NO ONE HAS COME UP TO BE THE NEXT OF KIN. AND THE BANKING ETHICS HERE DOES NOT ALLOW SUCH MONEY TO STAY MORE THAN FOUR YEARS, BECUASE AFTER FOUR YEARS THE ACCOUNT WILL BE DECLARED DORMANT AND THE MONEY FORFEITED TO THE BANK.
IN VIEW OF THIS, I DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU TO ACT AS THE NEXT OF KIN. THE REQUEST OF A FOREIGNER AS NEXT OF KIN IN THIS BUSINESS IS OCCASIONED BY THE FACT THAT THE CUSTOMER WAS A FOREIGNER. I AGREED THAT 30% OF THIS MONEY WILL BE FOR YOU AS A FOREIGN PARTNER IN RESPECT OF PROVIDING AN ACCOUNT, WHILE THE REST WILL BE FOR ME.
THEREAFTER I WILL VISIT YOUR COUNTRY FOR DISBURSEMENT . THEREFORE TO FACILITATE THE IMMEDIATE TRANSFER OF THIS FUND TO YOUR ACCOUNT AS ARRANGED, YOU MUST APPLY FIRST TO THE BANK AS A RELATION TO THE DECEASED INDICATING YOUR BANK NAME, YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER, YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE NUMBER, AND FAX NUMBER FOR EASY COMMUNICATION AND LOCATION WHERE THE MONEY WILL BE REMITTED. UPON THE RECEIPT OF YOUR REPLY, I WILL SEND YOU BY FAX OR E-MAIL THE APPLICATION AND THE NEXT STEP TO TAKE. I WILL NOT FAIL TO BRING TO YOUR NOTICE THAT THIS BUSINESS IS HITCH FREE AND THAT YOU SHOULD NOT ENTERTAIN ANY FEAR AS THE WHOLE REQUIRED ARRANGEMENT HAS BEEN MADE FOR THE TRANSFER. YOU SHOULD CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS LETTER.
TRUSTING TO HEAR FROM YOU.
YOURS RESPECTFULLY,
MR. FRANK OKOLO.
______________________________
Dear Readers,
It is me, Scorpius, once again. Until Harvey is available in his normal (for him) venue, I will be relaying his e-mail to him (it’s the least I can do for him). Continue to send the e-mail to the address referenced below. He has given me temporary access to his e-mail account.
I will also keep you posted on my progress to retrieve Harvey, and the misguided John Crichton as I am able.
I must end now with the usual request for e-mail as Moya has called and D’Argo has requested permission to board. Maybe he knows something.
Sincerely,
Scorpius
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