Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you Cybergal, Bum, Lassievorc, ixchup, SueDonym, and Reefrunner for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
Dear Readers,
Harvey and I are communicating and until I can come up with a plan to free that ingrate, Crichton, I will continue to relay your e-mail to him and forward his replies to you.
Sincerely,
Scorpius,
Who is willing to let bygones be bygones, and will of course rescue Crichton and his lovely Ms. Sun just as soon as D’Argo and I can get together and form a plan. And you all know that my plans are much more well thought out and successful than are Crichton’s.
Dear Readers,
It took a while, but I was able to rouse Crichton. We are literally in the dark at present. We can’t see Aeryn, but we have been talking to her and she has assured Crichton that she is presently unharmed.
I have let Crichton know that I’ve already contacted Scorpius and that rescue is on the way. Crichton hasn’t taken this bit of news all that well, but has resigned to it as there is no other choice.
Loyally yours,
Harvey
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I like to wear hats, but I have been recently told that my hats are scary. My hats are important to my job as Minister. I have enclosed a pic of my favorite hat for an example. I really want to continue wearing them, so what should I do?
Minister Akhna
Scarren Empire
Tormented Space
Dear Minister Akhna,
Don’t feign surprise with me, Minister Akhna. I have seen you in person and I know that you are doing this on purpose. This appears to me to be the only way you can at least equal Staleek in stature.
Also, I can tell that your lover, Pennoch, finds those hats most attractive. They really turn him on.
Simply put, you should continue to wear them. They are having the effect you secretly desire. Besides, as I’ve previously stated, the hats are very tasteful.
Dear Readers,
I cannot at present include the photo that Akhna has sent to me. Hopefully, I will have that solved by the time it is archived to Unohoo’s Shorts.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I’m in a rather desperate situation at the moment, and I heard that you give advice. I have been hiding in an air duct for almost three weeks, trying to avoid capture by Grayza’s forces. While the heat seems to be off at the moment, I’m still worried that it’s not safe for me here. There may still be some backlash from my attempted coup. I’m actually surprised that I managed to get away so easily.
I have been living off of a jar of vegemite that I found in the ship’s kitchen. At first I thought that I would never stoop so low as to eat it, but it didn’t look as though I’d be getting anything else to eat, so I tucked in.
It seems as though Grayza has been taken out of the picture for the moment (perhaps Braca disliked the change in uniform). Unless something happens it would seem that I have completed part of my mission. I doubt that will change, as her sebacean mammaries will no longer avail her. This brings me to the advice I was to ask of you.
I need to find a way to get from this Command Carrier to Moya. I was very disappointed to find that I had missed an opportunity while we were at Katrazi. I had been cornered by the troops and couldn’t leave the air ducts. I hear that you are actually a resident, so you may be able to help me. The Ancients have given me a very important mission, and all may be lost if I do not get in contact with John Crichton soon. Will you help me?
Sincerely,
Mr. Jingles
Dear Mr. Jingles,
Don’t give up hope. Your rescue is on its way. And you are correct; Grayza is no longer in charge. However, you will find that Braca and Scorpius are in charge, and are unlikely to be suckered in by your tactics.
I advise you to revert to your cuddly kitty ways, and get in someone’s good graces quickly. Neither Braca nor Scorpius will stand for insubordination.
Furthermore, we have a more immediate problem at hand, and that is to rescue John Crichton. It seems he’s in quite a mess at present. You might consider offering you assistance to Scorpius, et. al.
Hold tight, be thankful for the vegemite, and await instructions. Then, follow them to the letter.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
You have winessed that Scarrens, being indeed the Master Race, have succesfully developed bioloid technology. We are light years ahead of the Sebaceans with this tech. I've heard rumours that YOU are yearning for a body of your own. Have you a particular one in mind? The Empire might just be able to help you wth this. Do you think you would be interested in working with us, in the future?
Sincerely,
Emperor Staleek
Dear Emperor Staleek,
You are indeed a prince of an Emperor. There is nothing that I’d like better to do than to have my own body, and one made to order at that!
But I am in a rather precarious position at the moment and don’t feel I can take advantage of your generous offer.
I will get back to you when things have cleared up for me.
______________________________
Dear Harvey -
A friend and his girl friend insisted in having extremely icky fun involving a whip and finger licking in front of me. I am tired of being treated as if I was invisible or a dishrag for people to walk all over. How do I let these folks know that I am a red-blooded male with feelings too. I have a spine!
Regards,
Captain
Dear Captain,
Simple, take your friend aside at the very next opportunity, regardless as to who is looking on, and tell him that you don’t appreciate his showing off his kinky male prowess in front of you. Further, you point out that private chambers can be arranged, and that should he wish to show off that kind of behavior, you can arrange to put camcorders in the room and televise it to those who wish to tune in. That way, he can show off without involving your eyes.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
My favorite TV show just ran its last episode after being ignominiously cancelled mid-story by an evil network that shall remain anonymous to protect the extremely stupid.
Other than turning my now considerable experience at writing letters and campaigning for lost causes towards ending another idiotic and unjust action...in this case a war...what can I do?
Currently,
Depressed
Dear Depressed,
I am very sorry to hear that, my dear.
It seems that you have spent considerable effort in writing to these imbeciles, but to no avail. Has it occurred to you that they can’t understand your letters? Have you dumb’ed your language down enough for them to understand? If your letter to me is an example of your writing, then I fear that this is the reason that you have not gotten anywhere, as it is erudite, clear, and to the point.
Try writing to them in big block letters on lined paper using simple words of no more than one syllable. That should do the trick.
Alternately, you could just buy the show and distribute it free to a network that would appreciate the donation, such as PBS.
______________________________
Dear Readers,
I asked you for advice, and I received it. Thank you so much for your support and warning to not take Mr. Okolo up on his offer. Typical of the advice I received is this letter:
Dear Harvey,
I heartily recommend that you let that golden opportunity from Mr. Frank Okolo pass. While it sounds like a good deal, you would be risking any money you had in your account, if you indeed have one. If you have access to John's memories, check there. He knows.
signed,
A concerned reader
(Pepper/Reefrunner)
Thank you so much, as I seem to be getting more and more of these from various and even different people. I will just discard them from now on. I did check through John’s memory banks, and found some references to this type of scam. As I don’t have a bank account to risk, I was really tempted to invite Mr. Okolo to hitch a ride through the first wormhole he found and set up the necessary paper work, but then I remembered that we closed off the wormhole. I wonder how your e-mails are getting to me? Oh well, maybe Scorpius knows.
______________________________
Dear Readers,
I will have to ponder that last question some more, but a preliminary explanation is that while the wormhole is shut down for normal travel to Earth, I suspect that a residual corridor has been left where a narrow band of data may pass through, thus allowing for such things as e-mail, but not much else. This will make John very happy to learn that he can still communicate with his family. He can keep them up to date on his progress as soon as I arrange to rescue him.
We are on our way to meet with D’Argo, so I must end this now. It took some doing to find him; his signal was so weak.
Sincerely,
Scorpius
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