Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you ixchup, Lassievorc, Abbi (c/o Lassivorc), and Reefrunner for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
My Dear Scorpius,
I’m afraid that you and D’Argo will have to hold back on any rescue plan for the moment. It seems that we are in no immediate danger, and the Wormholeans are treating us with the utmost deference. It appears that Crichton has secret information that they are most anxious to acquire. Crichton is playing for time (no surprise there) and has asked me to ask you to ask Chiana if she could e-mail Earth to learn of the thing the Wormholeans want. It has something to do with eleven secret ingredients and kayeffcee (an un-translatable English word). The Wormholeans have somehow got it into their collective minds that Crichton has this information, which they claim is vital for their survival.
Crichton has confided in me that he does not have this information. He was flabbergasted that they knew anything about it until he learned that they had been using the wormhole for decades just to obtain this delicacy from Earth. So the problem started immediately after Crichton closed the wormhole down. The Wormholeans were on the brink of setting up a delivery network so they wouldn’t have to leave their tunnels and globules in the wormhole.
In spite of the fact that Crichton is responsible for the Wormholeans’ great loss, they are not holding it against him if he can come up with an alternative. That’s where you can help. Have Chiana e-mail his father (Jack@iasa.gov) and solicit his help. Once the ingredients have been identified, ask Noranti to come up with the equivalent ingredients this side of the galaxy.
And please tell me that the e-mail channel is still open and is not collapsing upon itself as well because I notice that there is a paucity of e-mail this week. I cannot imagine that people do not need advice from me anymore.
Ever your loyal and humble servant,
Harvey
Harvey!
I will have Chiana do as you ask as soon as she is able. As you are probably aware, the last time she used her special vision her blindness did not dissipate. Here it is a weeken later, and she is still without normal site and she is “fweakin’ “ (her term, not mine). (I know she is upset because she is even being civil to me.) The doctors here on the Command Carrier have not been able to help her, so we are taking her to a diagnosan who will hopefully be able to repair her normal vision.
I am relieved to learn that Crichton (the ingrate), and the lovely Ms. Sun (I don’t know what she sees in him) are being well treated and that it is only a matter of time and satisfying the Wormholeans taste buds that is needed to free them.
On a personal note, Sikozu continually proves that she is a worthy ally. She is indeed lovely to behold, and I am much relieved to know that in spite of her delicate appearance, she is not in the least bit fragile. I guess being a bioloid has its advantages. And she is so much more.
As ever,
Scorpius,
P.S. The residual wormhole is working perfectly for e-mail, but it seems that there are fewer people who are in need of your advise at present. I have a request of you, Harvey; please describe what you can see from Crichton’s eyes. I have never encountered Wormholeans and would like to know more about them, how they live, what they look like, what their world looks like, etc.
S.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I did what you said and told my friend that if he wants to commit S&M stuff with that bioloid tralk he can do it privately. Guess what he did! He kissed me on the forehead and licked my face. Ewww. I have memories of another session like this as well as gooey matter on my face. Why can't I remember? It seemed like fun. Well, I'm Captain now and master of my universe. I provided Scorpy and Sikozou with their own quarters next to Grayza's. Now she can watch and I can get some proper respect and rest.
Thanks again for your timely advice.
Captain
Dear Captain,
Now why didn’t you tell me who you were and who you were talking about in the first place? Can’t you recognize true love? S&M indeed! No wonder you go to bed alone. Are you jealous?
I’m sure that Scorpius meant the kiss in a fatherly or brotherly way. He would never do anything untoward and without the recipients consent. He is an adult after all. How could you misinterpret his friendship that way? This is most distressful.
How could you give that treacherous traitor a peep show? That is awful! How could you? I thought you were loyal to Scorpius. You must be jealous. And here I thought you finally showed some spine and put Grayza in her place in the brig, not some luxury suit on the Command Carrier.
Put her in the brig and apologize to Scorpius immediately!
Dear Readers,
Scorpius here again. I want to assure you that all is well and that I have no complaints about Braca. He is doing the job to the best of his limited abilities. And I learned a thing or two about deviousness from Crichton. Grayza only thinks she is seeing things and she is none too happy about what she is seeing either. I am having the last laugh.
______________________________
Dear Readers,
The next two e-mails were sent as a set. They are two separate e-mails, but as one is from an eight year old (bless you) it had to be sent via the child’s aunt. The first is from the aunt.
Dear Harvey,
Those bunny suits must have been very uncomfortable and warm. You're a trooper!
Regards,
Auntie L
Dear Auntie L,
Why thank you for your thoughtfulness. However, as I was fully dressed in my virtual thermal suit under the bunny suit, I was unaffected. However, I’m not sure how Crichton fared.
Dear Harvey,
I am 8 year old. I saw a big bunny with a reel face on tv. Yoo had a bassket and eggs and choklet Arr yoo the Easter bunny? Ahntie says no. Hoo is the other bunny, the MEAN guy? BE careful!
Abbi
Dearest Abbi,
You are so sweet to be worried about me. Don’t fret, the other bunny is only Crichton, and he is all hop and no thump. He can’t hurt me, even though he thinks he can. And I am very careful.
To answer your question, Abbi, sadly, I am not the real Easter bunny. I am just a virtual Easter bunny. Your Auntie is quite correct. Listen to her.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
For many cycles now, I have been a server, taking care of those in my charge and providing them with warmth, fresh air, a clean environment, and the freedom to travel wherever they wish. However, my charges recently did something that upset me greatly--they cut the neural connections between me and my pilot, and took him to the other side of the galaxy, leaving me stunned and helpless during a Scarran attack! They did return him in good time, but I'm terribly concerned they might do something like this again. How can I convince them to leave Pilot where he belongs?
By the way, Pilot read your columns to me, and I most certainly do not sing all the time.
Moya
Dear Moya,
You do so incessantly sing. You don’t even know that you are doing it. Has Pilot said that you don’t sing all the time? I bet not.
Further, you are being extremely selfish by wanting to hog Pilot all to yourself. I know that you and he had words about it, and you upset him greatly. He wanted to help. We only wanted to borrow him for a few microts. Surely you could spare him for that long. After all, what are a few microts between friends?
Moya, you’re a big girl now, just buck up and let Pilot have his freedom from you from time to time. He will never be parted from you for too long. Plus he never gets out any more. You should give him more space. If he wants to be free from you occasionally, you should not begrudge him this little insignificant indulgence.
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