Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you ixchup, anonymous, anomia, and Lassievorc for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
Dear Scorpius,
I don’t know how much longer either Aeryn or Crichton can hold out. It seems that kayeffcee wasn’t the only thing from Earth that these wormholeans have stockpiled. (Yes, there is a stockpile of all kinds of Earth delicacies, more about that later.)
Perhaps Sikozu can contact Jack Crichton in lieu of Chiana. Granted, Jack seemed to have a thing for Chiana (but then, who wouldn’t), but time is becoming quite important, and a bit short.
Among other things, the wormholeans have accumulated massive amounts of chocolate and coffee, which they are now alternately feeding John and Aeryn. John is terribly worried that Aeryn will become the size of a baby leviathan, and he will never be able to get down from the caffeine high. The wormholeans may have found a reward punishment system that is far more effective than the Aurora chair! John is babbling every wormhole equation he’s ever dreamed, thought, read, or written of, but they don’t care. They live in wormholes, for goddess sake, they don’t need the equations. This is home to them, it is part of their DNA. But John doesn’t have the faintest idea of what the eleven secret ingredients are, in spite of what he has bragged in the past. If he knew what they are, he would happily tell them.
It is therefore imperative that you have Sikozu contact John’s father for the information if Chiana is still unable.
Tell Chiana that we are all pulling for her here, even the wormholeans are once we told them about her problem.
Harvey
P.S. I find it extremely difficult to believe that if the e-mail corridor is still open between here and Earth, that you are not receiving a ton of e-mail for me!
H.
Harvey, my clone,
Let Crichton know that Chiana is better. We dropped her off at a diagnosan with Stark as he won’t let go of her hand. Noranti and D’Argo wanted to stay with her while she recuperates, but then we would have no one to simulate the recipe assuming we can find equivalent herbs one we know what we are looking for, and we need D’Argo to fly Lo’La. After all, it wouldn’t do for us to turn into goo when we pick Crichton and Ms. Sun up.
That is very interesting about the coffee and chocolate. I will have to... look into it.
Sikozu has contacted Jack Crichton and is awaiting his answer. As soon as we have anything, we will send it to you.
Regards,
Scorpius,
P.S. Harvey, you certainly do have a high opinion of yourself, and I say... who can blame you? However, I am telling you the absolute truth that your e-mail has fallen off a bit lately, but I’m sure it will rebound soon. And speaking of e-mail, you have received a few more this weeken.
S.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I need your advice as I find that I continue to want my mommy. I am just so confused in my allegiances-- what with first Crais, then Scorpius, then Grayza, then Scorpius, then Grayza, it's no wonder I can't get any rest. My doctor says with some more prozac and talk I should be able to calm down and stop jumping each time someone points green goop at me. Dream analysis and those hypnotism sessions finally released my inner Braca and I know my place in the world. For example, I know know that like the Godfather in Crichton's weird moooovies, Scorpius was just letting me know my place when he kissed me in the neural cluster. I feel so much better now that Scorpius has a real relationship and can settle down. By the way, I only let Grayza watch once.
Your jittery pal,
Captain Miklo
sent by ixchup as a favor to Braca who is currently indisposed from nervous indigestion...
Dear jittery,
Get a grip, Captain! I thought you were the consummate Peacekeeper. What would your mommy say to your sniveling around like this? She’d say, get a grip and stop whining, is what she would say.
______________________________
Dear Readers,
One may think that I have been too hard on Braca judging from this next letter, as the man clearly has no grip. But then, Braca, except for some minor slip-ups, has always demonstrated that he is the consummate Peacekeeper. Stark, however, is completely without grip, so my advice to him is couched with that understanding.
Now onto my first stream of consciousness letter from Stark.
Harvey
Dear Harvey,
hello. hellohellohellohellohelloargh! there, stopped. no, i did stop. i did! don't hit me! argh! yes. hello. i have a problem. my head is crowded with the screams of the dead. it smarts. it does! AIIII! why why why? she's still alive...I know it! i hear her! every day, and sometimes even after bedtime...one time i dreamed i saw scorpy...he was naked...except for his codpice...he said "i love you so much stark! that's why you get the chair!"...it was so horrible...they woke me up by smacking me..."back to sleep stark! you were screaming again stark!" meanwhile they had HIM on board...i'll show them...i will! anyway...my question...why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why do they hit me and kick me and make me do every single thing every thing every one? WHY? WHYYYYY?!!?!?!?!
Yours,
S.tark
Hello Stark,
Get over it already! You now should understand why Scorpius did what he’s done. I can see you are no lover of the Scarrans, so why then did you not submit to the Chair and get beyond it?
Furthermore, you had better not be having impure thoughts about Scorpius. From what I can tell, you have some stiff competition from both Sikozu and Braca. Braca is a more known entity for Scorpius, and after all he has done, his loyalty cannot be in question. But, at present, I think Scorpius is rather smitten with Sikozu, a lovelier bioloid you are unlikely to find. I doubt that Scorpius would find you his type, so I’m not sure if it would pay to get in line.
As for the hitting and the kicking and the hurting, I thought that has stopped now that Scorpius, et. al. has rescued you from the Scarrans. I see that he held no grudge against you for not having told him about Katratzi (in this reality anyway), so just relax and enjoy the scenery.
Also, aren’t you tied up with Chiana now that she is in the hands of the diagnosan? Is she doing the kicking and hitting and hurting?
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
On his recent trip to Earth, Mr. John Robert Crichton, Jr.filed a late tax return for the year 2001. Though Mr. Crichton is single, he filed as “Head of Household” and claimed you as a dependent. The problem is that we have no government records on you. In the interest of expediting his return, we need you to verify whether you met the five criteria to be claimed as a dependent.
1. You must have lived in Mr. Crichton’s home for the entire year in a relationship that did not violate local law.
2. You cannot have been married filing a joint return.
3. You must have been a U.S. citizen or a resident alien.
4. Your gross income (including any income from your popular “Dear Harvey” column) must have been less than $3,000.
5. Mr. Crichton must have provided over half your support, such as food, a place to live, clothing, and education.
Any specific details about your relationship with Mr. Crichton would be appreciated.
Thank you,
Agent Penny Pincher
Internal Revenue Service
United States of America
Agent Penny Pincher
I am having some difficulty in answering the first question. While I definitely spent the entire year in Crichton’s residence, the concept regarding local laws is rather alien to me. In order to comply with your request I have to consult with Crichton. But, I will have to wait a bit before I can consult with him, as he is indisposed at the moment.
The answer to the second question is that I am not married. As much as that appeals, I do not have the opportunity for such a relationship.
I am definitely a resident alien to answer your third question.
To answer the fourth question, I can honestly say that neither I, nor John Crichton has seen any income for the Dear Harvey column. I, for one, am doing it as a labor of love. Furthermore, I had no idea that one could get any monetary reward for said column. I will have to talk to John to see if this can be corrected.
The fifth question is easy to answer. As much as I’d like to strike out on my own, at present (and for as long as I can remember, except for a brief vacation where we were separated) I am completely dependent on John Crichton for everything. He is my sole provider for a living space, education, etc.
I don’t exactly know what details you are looking for regarding Mr. Crichton’s and my relationship except to say that we couldn’t be closer. Is that specific enough?
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
You don't know me, and I think you don't want to. We're all in this present 'boat' together, if you know what I mean. I had always despised Scorpius, for what he did to John. More recently, I've gotten to know him a little better, and he's been very helpful on a number of occasions. I've gotten a distinctly negative vibe from you, and I think we need to be on the same page. We both care about John Crichton! Can we start wih a truce? For the good of John, I extend an olive branch to you, virtually speaking!
Honestly,
Aeryn Sun
Dear Aeryn,
I’d like to be able to trust you, but you relinquished John from his promise not to harm Scorpius. And then you aided John when he planted a bomb on Scorpius. I don’t know if I can trust you.
Granted, it all worked out all right for Scorpius as he has his command carrier back, and he has Sikozu and Braca. But I don’t have him!
Yet, in spite of the friction that exists between us, I do agree that we ought to be on the same ‘boat’ together. I accept your virtual olive branch and extend my virtual hand to you.
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