Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you Lassievorc, ixchup, anomia, DigitalEpitaph, and Reefrunner for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
“Hey Harvey!” John mentally said.
“John!” I responded. “I thought you weren’t speaking to me. Why have you summoned me?”
“Er, these Wormholean, despite appearances to the contrary, are really not threatening Earth, or anyone else. In fact, it is they who are threatened by our incursions into the wormhole.” John said.
“Yes, John, I would have to agree with you this time.” I conceded. “Look, why don’t you give them the recipe? It couldn’t possibly be a threat to your precious Earth.”
“My precious Earth!” John flared, “Harvey, I’d give it to them if I knew what the recipe was. Listen, have you been able to contact anybody? Noranti? I think she’s eaten some KFC. Ask her if she can replicate the recipe. Please! I don’t know how much more coffee I can stand.”
“I know you don’t want to hear this, but I’ve been talking to Scorpius. He’s been helping me retrieve my e-mail. Maybe someone will come through with the recipe if Noranti can’t remember what it tastes like.” I replied.
“Good idea, Harve. Can I help you sort through the e-mail? I need to do something.” John said.
“No, John,” I said. “I have it under control, just relax.”
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
Would you be interested in appearing a a guest on my show? I don't understand the details of exactly where you are, but I think we can do business. Somehow, Letterman got the Luxan alien to appear on his show. I heard he was very funny. I won't get trumped again. I figure if you, along with John Crichton, would agree to an appearance with me, our ratings would soar! My agent will be in touch, when we have a phone number!
Jay Leno
Dear Jay Leno,
Oh My Godess! I can’t believe this. If only I could. You don’t know how much this means to me.
Alas, I must be the bearer of bad tidings as the wormhole through which we have come in the past, is now closed down. Until such time as we can find another wormhole with which to visit your magnificent planet, we must decline this most prestigious invitation. :(
Respectfully,
Harvey
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I am secreting this note out to you via Screeth. I have been cooped up and drugged on this Command Carrier for weeks without any let up for good behavior. I have been forced to watch while Scorpius does unspeakable things to that bioloid in the room next door and they don't even need any Heppel Oil. I'm depressed and turning grey. I've lost my honor, my home, my position, and nobody likes me. I've heard that you have an inside track to both Scorpius and John Crighton. Could you put in a good word for me? Please?
P.S. I can give you the goods on Braca and the Peacekeepers because I believe in Peace.
Secretly yours,
Mele-on
Mele-on,
After what you’ve done to Braca? Not to mention the unspeakable acts against Scorpius? And then after what you did to Mr. Jingles, not to mention the other lovely critters that came your way and that you duped me into thinking that you were an animal lover?
No.
Well, I’ll think about it.
I think one should give peace a chance, after all.
______________________________
Dear Harvey xoxoxoxo!
I read your column every week, and love your advice—it’s so…….like WOW!
I know you want a body of your own, and I think I might be in a position to help you! I’m going to be hosting a new TV show called “Mr. Personality”, with lots of masked guys competing to win cash and a girl. I can already tell that most of the guys have NO personality, so you can have your pick of bodies! After you slip into one, let your dynamic personality shine and you’ll win!
Love, Monica L.
Dear Monica,
Oh, be still my heart!
Just tell me what I have to do and I’m a ready Teddy.
“Hey Harve,” John interrupted, “I thought you were now dedicated to Scorpius.”
“I am John,” I replied, “but this kind of opportunity doesn’t come every microt! I must be willing to make some sacrifices, you know.”
“Yeah, whatever.” John said dismissively.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
Think you're soooo clever, eh? get over it, indeed...why didn't I submit to the CHAIR...because he never told me what he was looking for, that's why! he just kept me there because he likes the sound of my screaming... and.... other reasons...look, if you think I'M the one with impure Scorpy-thoughts, think again, little thought-demon-man-THING! Scorpy just had a thing for stykera, I guess...ugh...don't come near me...what are you doing, Scorpy? AAAAARGH!
not yours, not ANYBODY'S! MINE!
Stark
p.s.
and when i said the kicking and hitting and so on, it wasn't in refrence to any one in particular, just the universe in general.
Dear Stark,
I have always found Scorpius to be scrupulously clear and focused. I am sure that he told you what he was looking for, but that you DIDN’T LISTEN!
So, I say again, get over it. Grow up now, freak later. Do what ever it takes, and if it takes the gentle admonitions of the aurora chair, then buck up and submit.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I've done a bit of research, and I have some good news and some bad news. Bad news first--
Whereas Colonel Sanders may well have started out with 11 herbs and spices, a recent laboratory analysis revealed that the "spice mix" includes only flour, salt, pepper, and monosodium glutimate. So, if the Wormholians have been eating the more recent version of KFC, they haven't been eating 11 herbs and spices.
The good news is, it is possible to approximate KFC's Original Recipe chicken. The following recipe makes 16 pieces.
6 cups cooking oil
1 egg, beaten
2 cups milk
2 cups all-purpose flour
4 tablespoons salt
2 teaspoons black pepper
1 teaspoon MSG (monosodium glutimate)
2 frying chickens with skin, each cut into 8 pieces
Put oil in pressure cooker and heat to 400 degrees. Combine egg and milk in a bowl. In a separate bowl combine dry ingredients. Dip chicken pieces in milk until thoroughly moistened, then roll chicken pieces in dry mix until thoroughly coated. Drop chicken pieces in batches of four or five into pressure cooker and lock lid. Once steam begins shooting from the pressure release, set timer for 10 minutes. After time elapses, release pressure according to manufacturer's instructions. Remove chicken and allow to drain.
John can help you figure out how long ten minutes is.
Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
A concerned reader who retrieved the recipe from "Top Secret Recipes" by Todd Wilbur and only modified slightly.
Dear Concerned,
How can I ever thank you for our salvation! If I ever get a body, I’ll marry you. You have saved the universe from KFC starved Wormholeans.
“John!” I shouted, “we’re saved! Saved I tell you!”
“Cool your tool, Harve,” John admonished. “What’re you talking about?”
“The recipe!” I breathed. “I have the KFC recipe! :)”
“Yeah?” John said, looking at me quizzically. “Lessee”
I showed John this e-mail. Upon reading it he shook his head dubiously.
“I dunno,” he said. “They’re expecting something with eleven secret ingredients. Doya think they’ll eat it?”
I pondered this for a bit before responding, “Perhaps. We can always tell Noranti to come up with something that tastes similar. Only, she has to use eleven ingredients. I see the major problem will be finding something that tastes like chicken.”
“No problemo!” John beamed, “Everything here tastes like chicken. Even food cubes taste like chicken, well not free range chicken.”
“Even Keedva?” I voiced. I had my doubts about this.
“Well, not Keedva.” John said, shuffling his feet a bit.
“You said everything!” I pouted, “you need to be more specific. I can already see how these Wormholeans will react.”
“Gaaack!” John said, clutching his head. “I’m afloat already, I can’t take much more of this.
“Okay, Harve, tell Scorpius to tell Noranti to get busy. I’ll let the Wormholeans know that we’re making progress and that we should have a solution for them soon.” John said, dismissing me.
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