The Alchemist (1986) - Ragnarok watches yet another "missed the mark" movie about an ancient curse and a werewolf or something. You know the drill.
Alien (1979) - Though no one can hear you in space, Anubis will sing the praises of Ridley Scott's greatest movie ever until his throat is raw and his vocal chords withered and imploded.
Alien Prey (1978) - Ragnarok revels in the feline alien powers of Anders Anderson in this video nasty about secluded friends and vicious alien monster attacks.
Aliens (1986) - Anubis learns that when you've reached the top of the mountain in terms of outer space thrillers (Alien), it's better to go a completely different route with the sequel. As such, we get James Cameron's space marines vs. xenomorphs action movie love-in.
American Ninja (1985) - Fistula engages one of the biggest perpetrators of the "white men can't kung-fu" genre as Michael Dudikoff falls head first through the beginning of a long cycle of pain.
An American Werewolf in London (1981) - Anubis tries to figure out what the fuss is all about over this John Landis dark comedy lupine pic from the gloriously gorey '80s.
An American Werewolf in Paris (1997) - Anubis stumbles through yet another totally needless sequel that's too little too late and dismisses what made the original worth watching to begin with.
The Barn of the Blood Llama (1997) - Ragnarok embraces this trippy indie horror flick about a barn... and, uhm... some llama... made of blood... or drinking blood... yeah. Wacked out cameo by Clive "Hellraiser" Barker!
Beyond Darkness (1990) - Ragnarok suffers through an Italian Amityville that just refuses to end when a family's new home turns out to be a domain of Satanic intrigue and wacky happenings.
The Blair Witch Project (1999) - Anubis tries to figure out what the hypnotic secret is to this movie that made it turn everybody retarded in the last days of the 20th century.
Bless the Child (2000) - Anubis sloshes on through yet another entry into the "child is either the return of Christ or the seed of Satan" genre, only this time with Kim Basinger and Christina Ricci to hold his dick hand for him.
Boo (2005) - Dr. Nix, please report to the haunted hospital to dispense of some teen horror fodder. Dr. Nix to the horror hospital please.
Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000) - Anubis feels kinda sell-outish when he enjoys the glossy Hollywood sequel far more than the "we're trying to be artsy and gritty" original.
Bruiser (2000) - Anubis mopes through another non-zombie George Romero movie, this one about a spineless corporate douche bag who finds himself liberated and vengeful when his face magically disappears one day...
The Cell (2001) - Anubis watches Jennifer Lopez do what she does best: suck and suck hard. All wrapped up in a psychadelic burrito? Well, that kinda makes up for it...
C.H.U.D. (1984) - Ragnarok goes hunting in the NYC sewers for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers... who are really just hobos mutated by radioactive government waste.
The Crow (1994) - Anubis reviews the movie that killed Brandon Lee, but also gave birth to a series of mediocre comic book movies about undead vigilante mimes that gave a generation of Hot Topic customers something to live for...
The Crow: City of Angels (1996) - Anubis watches this sequel that takes place a decade after the first and sees the return of NONE of the original's cast as a new victim of violent crime returns from the grave to kill the bad guys who put him there.
The Crow: Salvation (2000) - Anubis kills yet another bird with his stone, as yet another wrongful death leads to fatal retribution, this time thanks to a guy with an axe to grind against Fred Ward and the corrupt cops who framed him for his girlfriend's death.
Cthulhu Mansion (1990) - Ragnarok finds great disappointment at the hands of the director/writer who brought us Pieces when he brings us this haunted house flick with a deceptive title... i.e. it has nothing to do with the elderest of Elder Gods!
Dagon (2001) - Ragnarok goes fishing off the coast of Spain for the biggest catch of all: the Elder God Dagon! And he'll run through a lot of fish mutants and squid babies to get there...
Darkness Falls (2003) - Nix faces down the evil mutated version of the Tooth Fairy with nothing more than a bag full of personal resolve!... and a pocketful of disdain.
Dawn of the Dead (1979) - Anubis heads to the Monroeville Mall to kill dead people with Ken Foree and Tom Savini in the George Romero classic!... that WAY too many people read too much into.
Dead Alive (1992) - Ragnarok and Peter Jackson strap lawnmowers to their chests and cut down a swarm of rabid mutant zombies in the ultimate splatter-fest and possibly the greatest movie ever to come out of New Zealand.
Death Ship (1980) - Ragnarok sinks this haunted Nazi crap ship that stars George Kennedy at the helm!
Demonic Toys (1992) - Anubis remembers the fonder times of Charles Band's "career" as he embraces the sharp-toothed, gun toting, laser blasting love of yet another killer toys movie.
Demonicus (2001) - Fistula suffers a pain worse than being impaled on the swords of a hundred zombie gladiators when idiot backpackers in the Italian Alps awaken the soul of an unhappy gladiator... who stole Evil Ash's helmet.
Devil's Rain (1975) - Fistula fires off a few rounds at this flick about evil cultists and the revenge one person seeks on them. Featuring William Shatner, Ernest Borgnine and... John Travolta?! Yikes.
Dracula (1931) - Anubis goes old fashioned and classy with a review for the Bela Lugosi classic from Universal Pictures. It's a classic for a reason kids.
Dungeons & Dragons (2000) - Anubis puts on his helm of devestation and his boxer shorts of unwashed evil in his quest to put a +5 hurting on the Hollywood conceived curse to geekdom's longest running pass time.
Eating Raoul (1982) - Anubis finds himself unamused when it comes to this '80s cannibal swinger comedy that Joe Bob Briggs refers to as one of his favorite flesh-eater flicks.
The Eternal (1998) - Ragnarok witnesses couples counseling bad movie style when an alcoholic husband and wife travel to Ireland to test the bonds of their love against a shapeshifting druid witch mummy thing...
The Exorcist (1973) - Anubis remembers a time before Linda Blair became an irredeemable cunt as she vomits pea soup and fucks Christ!
The Exterminator (1980) - Anubis tags along with a shell-shocked 'Nam vet when he goes all vigilante following a friend's murder.
Exterminator 2 (1984) - Anubis gets what he wished for when the Exterminator returns and puts that flamethrower of his to good use: against Mario Van Peebles!
Female Plasma Suckers (1972) - Ragnarok does a little real estate shopping and finds an evil house populated by psychic witches... or something. Beware the Farting Cat Woman!
Final Fantasy: Legend of the Crystals - Volume 1 (1994) - Anubis sees one of the earlier (earliest?) adaptations of the RPG franchise in action. Didja like "Final Fantasy V"? Then you're probably the only one who will know what's going on here...
Final Fantasy: Legend of the Crystals - Volume 2 (1994) - Anubis continues on with part 2 of our tale, featuring more spunky heroes with giant swords, chicks with glowing asses, guys with celery stalks growing out of their sinus cavities and fat leather dykes. Something for everybody here folks.
Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001) - Anubis proves that pretty pictures ain't shit without a good story to back them up. Alec Baldwin, Ming-Na, Ving Rhames, Donald Sutherland, Steve Buscemi and others lend their voices to this Final Fantasy tale... that has nothing to do with any of the games... right.
Freddy's Tricks and Treats (1988) - Anubis suffers through the miserable HBO "Freddy's Nightmares" series with this Halloween themed episode that follows a young Mariska Hargitay as a nerdy college student with an imaginary friend and, you guessed it, gets a visit from a certain fedora wearing boogeyman.
Future War (1997) - Fistula tackles thumbless cyborgs from the future, their pet dinosaurs and their kickboxing fugitive slaves in one of the greatest movies ever to feature Robert Z'Dar...
Gamera: Guardian of the Universe (1995) - Ragnarok watches Daiei pull a Toho when they ressurect their classic '70s giant reptile for a '90s revamp. Collect all three!
The Gate (1987) - Nix relives happier days when he watches tiny Stephen Dorff dabble in the demonic medium of rock 'n' roll!
The Gift (2000) - Anubis finds out what it's like when Sam Raimi isn't making movies about demonically possessed college kids or spandex wearing arachnid guys. It's psychic mystery and physical abuse down on the bayou.
The Glove (1979) - Ragnarok goes bounty hunting for Rosey Grier with John Saxon when the big man starts beating prison guards to death with the not-so-threatening riot glove of doom.
Godzilla: Final Wars (2004) - Nix gushes over this kaiju orgy that marks the fatal finale for the Big G's time on Earth. Brought to you by Toho, Ryuhei "Versus" Kitamura and the number 7!
The Gore Gore Girls (1972) - Fistula had a date with gore-meister H.G. Lewis to kill some of cinema's ugliest exotic dancers, so he won't be joining us tonight. Instead, let us read his review for The Gore Gore Girls.
Graveyard Shift (1987) - Not to be confused with the Stephen King movie about the giant man-eating rat monster, Anubis watches a pretty weak movie about a vampire cab driver.
Grim (1995) - Anubis gets hassled by a subterannean Rawhead Rex knock-off in this bottom-of-the-barrel monster movie from the scum slurping puss bags at A-Pix.
Grizzly (1976) - Anubis discovers Jaws in a national park forest! Nah, just kidding. Though it may be a Jaws clone, this flick most assuredly centers around a giant bear, not a giant shark.
Happy Hell Night (1994) - It's a carnival of love and carnage when Ragnarok shakes hands with a frat boy killing devil preacher! Great minds kill alike...
Hannibal (2001) - Anubis witnesses another use of the "if you're afraid you can't live up to the original, then go for something completely different" method as Ridley Scott (ironically enough) brings us a different take on the notorious Dr. Lecter.
Hercules In New York (1970) - Anubis recoils in pain at this celluloid premiere that, as a man of political influence now, no one can quite understand why Arnie hasn't made ownership and sale of this movie a terrorist offense yet.
The Hobbit (1977) - Anubis relives the tale of Bilbo Baggins and his big adventure... sorely lacking the auditory opus that is the Leonard Nemoy song.
Hollow Man (2000) - Anubis smells pork product in the air as Kevin Bacon and Elisabeth Shue star in an "updating" of the see-through man concept... and by "updating", I mean that the guy's a remorseless, selfish dickface.
The House That Vanished (1973) - Ragnarok suffers through possibly the most abysmally reviewed movie from the Brotherhood's old days and witnesses the dreaded, mind melting terror of... old lady nudity! *BARF*
The 'Human' Factor (1975) - Ragnarok snores through 90 minutes of George Kennedy sucking wind as he hunts down his family's terrorist killer. The VHS tape itself doesn't quite make it out of this review alive...
Infra Man (1975) - Ragnarok embraces the magical wonders of childhood when he let's a second-rate Ultraman into his heart to do battle with grown men in monster costumes, using little more than his half-assed Judo and... THUNDERBALL FISTS!
Idle Hands (1999) - Anubis does bong hits with Seth Green, Devon Sawa and Jessica Alba in this Hollywood knock-off of Evil Dead II and Demonoid that finds a typical high school slacker's life improved when Satan takes control of his right hand and supernatural hijinx ensue.
Interview with the Vampire: the Vampire Chronicles (1994) - Anubis sits through the pissiest, moaniest, whiniest bloodsuckers in the history of bloodsuckers when Tom Cruise turns Brad Pitt and Kirsten Dunst into vampires and everybody gets all menstrual.
In the Shadow of Kilimanjaro (1986) - Anubis watches what happens when John Rhys-Davies and Timothy Bottoms get between some thirsty baboons and their only source of liquid refreshment during a drought. Based on a true story!... kinda.
The Invisible Dead (1971) - Ragnarok visits the castle of the evil Dr. Orloff and witnesses the villainous mad scientist's experiments with invisible rapist vampire monkey humanoids! not nearly as fun as it sounds...
I Spit on Your Grave (1978) - Anubis takes a stab at the revenge subgenre's most infamous entry as four greasy rednecks force themselves on an innocent female writer from New York City and suffer much man pain at her bloodthirsty hands afterwards.
Jack Frost (1996) - Despite past A-Pix outings leaving Anubis with that "WHY DID I POUR BOILING WATER OVER MY GENITALS?!" feeling, he gave Jack Frost a shot anyway. Oddly enough, he's glad he did.
Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000) - The big bad snowman is back to kill more hapless extras, only this time things get more complicated and everything falls apart like a 2 month old crusty dog turd. Pity Anubis.
Killer Tomatoes Eat France (1991) - Anubis goes bushel-to-bushel with the infamous killer fruit comedy series, this time matching wits with the sinister John Astin in the land of cheese and body odor for this, the final Killer Tomatoes flick.
Killjoy (2000) - Anubis suffers stereotyped pain of the face-painted kind when he sits down to agonize through this Charles Band produced abomination that centers around a ghetto ghost clown who likes to kill "suckas" with bad CGI in his haunted warehouse.
King Cobra (1999) - Anubis and Pat Morita team up to do mortal combat with an oversized snake puppet!
Knick Knack Paddy Whack (1999) - Anubis wastes exactly 7 minutes of his life on this public service announcement/student project/horror short film about a homeless lunatic who lures runaway children into his lair of horror in the basement of a city high school.
Legend of the Chupacabra (2000) - Ragnarok feels that Troma may have actually gotten it right where Blair Witch got it wrong. We defy the box office!
Little Nicky (2000) - Anubis watches an Adam Sandler movie and actually... reviews the fuck straight out of it's stupid face.
The Lord of the Rings (1978) - Anubis watches one of independent animation's most well known and crazy ass directors get his hands on the JRR Tolkien trilogy... well, half of it.
The Lost Boys (1987) - Anubis heads out to the left coast for sand, surf, vampires and possibly the greatest of those legendary '80s "Corey movies"!... and some beefcake with a saxophone.
Lost Souls (2000) - Anubis joins former demonic possession victim Winona Ryder and her pal Elias Koteas as they try to stop the birth of the Anti-Christ... who drives an SUV... somehow I'm not surprised.
Mad Max (1979) - Anubis relives one of the high points of his childhood when he heads back to the drive-in for Mel Gibson's apocalyptic debut as the cop who's pushed past his breaking point.
Make Them Die Slowly (1981) - Ragnarok takes a banana boat into dark territory when fugitives get caught up in the day-to-day life of breast impaling, penis chopping, brain munching cannibals!
Maniac (1980) - Fistula tackles the fat sweaty form of Joe Spinell in the William Lustig directed tale of yet another serial killer who targets pretty ladies because his mom beat him or something. See Tom Savini's head get blown off!
Masters of the Universe (1987) - Anubis gets giddy over his childhood hero, He-Man, in this big screen adaptation of the adventures of the strongest man in the universe... as played by Ivan Drago.
Microwave Massacre (1983) - Ragnarok has a few laughs with the voice of Frosty the Snowman as Jackie Vernon discovers the culinary magic of microwaves and human flesh!
Motel Hell (1980) - Anubis goes on vacation and stops at the cozy Motel Hello to take in the local color and enjoy Farmer Vincent's world famous meats! It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent Fritters!
The Mummy (1932) - Anubis comes face to wrinkled, dusty, bandaged face with Boris Karloff in the original Universal Pictures silver screen classic... though "classic" is a little much to call it.
My Bloody Valentine (1981) - Anubis heads to the town of Valentine Bluffs to investigate partying miners and the crazy gas mask wearing killer stalking them in this '80s slash-and-dash.
Nekromantik (1987) - Anubis faces down the new German Threat: sex with dead people! He still can't seem to wash the stink out of his clothes... uggh.
New Dominion Tank Police 1 (1993) - Anubis returns to the city of Dominion to rejoin his pals in the city's elite Tank Police squad!... and just isn't as thrilled with the concept as he once was.
Night of the Demon (1980) - Ragnarok tracks down a killer POV cam and a guy in a bad bear costume in this classic video nasty about a group of college kids looking for a "demon" (i.e. Bigfoot) in the remote woods of... wherever.
Night Warriors: Darkstalkers' Revenge 1 (1997) - Anubis travels to an animated world where the classic monsters have trained themselves in the martial arts and beefed up on steroids and boob implants.
Ninja Scroll (1993) - Anubis leaps through the trees to follow along with mercenary ninja Jubei as the young warrior hacks and slashes his way through a small army of freaks and weirdos to find true love.
Oblivion (1993) - Anubis puts his dislike of westerns behind him to travel to the planet of Oblivion, where cowboys, aliens and d-list celebrities go to live out the rest of their days shooting each other and trying not to get eaten by giant scorpions. Rock you like a hurricane, kids.
Octopus (2000) - Anubis goes hand-to-tentacle with a giant radioactive super-cephalopod that's far more disappointing than any giant octopus movie should be.
One Dark Night (1983) - Because you can never have enough movies beginning with the letter 'O', Fistula dances with the devil in the veritable pale moonlight that is this tale of a psychic zombie hasslin' teenage girls.
The Pack (1977) - Ragnarok heads to a secluded island where Joe Don Baker (Muh-muh-muh-Mitchell!) and some tourists find their pants filled with Milk Bones™ in the midst of a pack of feral dogs!
Pinocchio's Revenge (1996) - We make Fistula relive one of the worst movie experiences in his life with this pseudo-intellectual spin on the already annoying Child's Play formula.
Pitch Black (2000) - Anubis finds himself surprisingly entertained by Vin Diesel's first foray into the world of he-man action movies as the outer space criminal known as Riddick (whose polished eyes let him see in the dark, mind you) tries to save some know-nothing dingleberries from a planet of hungry alien beasties.
Planet of the Apes (1968) - Anubis lets Charlton Heston surprise the hell out of him when he finds himself pleasantly surprised to watch the original "man vs. monkeys" sci-fi classic.
Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959) - Fistula slow dances with Ed Wood and the so-called "Worst Movie of All Time" which, if you look past the paper plates and cardboard tombstones, really ain't all that bad...
Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959) - Anubis is disappointed that the "Worst Movie of All Time" ain't all that bad... it's actually pretty mediocre to be honest... meh. Bela Lugosi's final performance.
The Rats (2003) - Ragnarok takes a field trip to New York City to see the Statue of Liberty, the CHUDs and, of course, the rampant infestations of genetically tampered with rodentia!
Reptilicus (1961) - Anubis learns a harsh lesson in expectations when he hopes for a fun little Danish kaiju flick and instead winds up with a busted muppet...
Return of the King (1980) - Anubis watches Rankin and Bass take the reins back on the Tolkien stagecoach, finishing up about where Bakshi's Lord of the Rings ended. The circle is complete.
Shadow of the Vampire (2000) - Anubis enjoys this dark and slickly made tale of the fictional filming of the original bloodsucker movie, Nosferatu. Ever wonder why Max Shreck's vampire makeup was so believable? Wonder no longer...
The Silence of the Lambs (1991) - Anubis rocks the amazing psychological cannibalism serial killer thriller that made fucking with the audience's heads and graphic violence into legitimate art again... thanks in no small part to all the Academy Awards that were heaped upon it.
Shaker Run (1985) - Ragnarok has Riding With Death flashbacks as he watches Leif Garrett transfer a dangerous bio-agent across the country... in his pink Trans-Am!
Space Mutiny (1988) - Ragnarok test the "no one can hear you scream in space" theory, as he faces down stupidity and pain in this "MST3K" favorite about an evil guy trying to overthrow a space ship being protected by a generic body building character and his middle aged squeeze. Beware the murderous railings of doom!
Spider Baby (1968) - Anubis reviews "the Maddest Story Ever Told"... or at least the maddest story ever told about a family of weirdo cannibal children! Featuring the legendary Lon Chaney Jr. and the "enjoying a major career revitalization" Devil's Rejects star Sid Haig!
Split Second (1992) - Ragnarok hunts down Satan in a futuristic wasteland with Rutger Hauer and blazing guns at his side! "Satan is in deep shit!"
Star Crystal (1986) - Ragnarok suffers yet another Alien clone, this one only half-assedly done, with it's crappy special effects and intensely lame acting. This one has a special religious twist at the end though that makes it all worthwhile... Oh the pain, the pain of it all!
Tales From the Hood (1995) - Anubis witnesses an urban spin on the standard "Tales From the Crypt" formula with this horror anthology that's a whole lot better than anyone would've expected.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: the Epic Begins (1987) - Anubis watches the first season (all 5 episodes worth) of the now classic cartoon series/commercial that helped shape his pathetic childhood.
The Terror Within (1989) - Ragnarok sits through a Roger Corman Alien knock-off set in a bombed out post-armageddon future and starring none other than George Kennedy's batch...
Tomb Raider (2001) - Anubis sees what will probably be one of the last few video game adaptation movies to escape the cancerous touch of Uwe Boll for some time, as Angelina Jolie puts on the tiny shorts and skin-tight tank top (and computer enhanced chesticles) of Lara Croft.
Two Thousand Maniacs (1964) - Ragnarok is our master of ceremonies for the Pleasant Valley Centennial! Uhm, any yankees in the audience might want to seek the nearest exit before things get too "involved"...
Unbreakable (2000) - Anubis gives M. Night Shyamalan a second chance after overblowing it with The Sixth Sense and finds he's glad he did so... until The Village, which just flushed all that down the toilet a couple of years later.
The Undying Brain (1972) - Ragnarok knows that if there's one thing the world needs, it's more movies about mad science brain transplants. And if there's a second thing the world needs, it's more midget henchmen!
Urban Legend (1998) - Anubis revisits the painful neo-slasher '90s with a review of yet another Scream sequel... err, rip-off. Featuring Jared "I loved watching the shit get kicked out of him in Fight Club!" Leto and Robert "1, 2 Freddy's coming for... you get the idea" Englund.
Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000) - Anubis suffers a crappy neo-slasher sequel that thinks it's smarter than it is. Featuring more murders based on urban legends and starring the chick from "House"... and a dog blowing up in a microwave!
Valentine (2001) - Anubis suffers through possibly the worst of the neo-slasher shitstorms to hit in the late-90s/early 2000 period as TV's Angel stalks the bitches that spurned him in high school.
The Vindicator (1986) - Anubis discovers what Mary Shelley was missing in her original tale of "Frankenstein": killer robots and a sassy black assassin dame played by Pam Grier!
The Watcher (2000) - Anubis watches Keanu Reeves pretend he's a serial killer while James Spader chases him around for an hour and a half.
Werewolf (1996) - Fistula fends off Joe Estevez in one of the worst lupine movies to ever worm it's way out of the mid-west.
What Lies Beneath (2000) - Anubis watches Harrison Ford and Michael Pfeiffer settle a supernatural domestic dispute in this Robert Zemeckis directed "homage" to Alfred Hitchcock.
X (1996) - It's the end of the world as we know it and Anubis feels fine... cuz he's watching various super powered weirdos beating the snot out of each other from the sidelines.
All materials found within these reviews are the intellectual properties and opinions of the original writers. The Tomb of Anubis claims no responsibility for the views expressed in this review, but we do lay a copyright claim on it beeyotch, so don't steal from this shit or we'll have to go all Farmer Vincent on your silly asses. © March 5th 2006 and beyond, not to be reproduced in any way without the express written consent of the reviewers and the Tomb of Anubis or pain of a physical and legal nature will follow. Touch not lest ye be touched.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
